Page 2 | Have I messed my relationship up by raising my dissatisfaction

Kingpongking · 2024-08-03T21:46:34+00:00

I’ve been dating a man for 4 months. We are dating exclusively and it seemed to be going well. He has flown back to his home country for 5 weeks. It’s a stressful trip as he is sorting out some probate related stuff and dealing with some tricky family dynamics, plus has a lot of people to see. He’s been there two weeks. He’s text and called every day, some days quite a lot which is lovely. However, in the last week, his communication has really just been him complaining about how stressed he is. None of the conversations have really been him engaging with me or taking an interest in what I’ve been doing. I do get it, I really do. But the last straw for me was when he called yesterday. He said he’d call me at 10pm his time. He called me at 4am! When he did finally call, he sounded so miserable and like he desperately didn’t want to be on the phone. He was irritable and kind of snappy with me. There was no warmth in his voice at all. I just got really upset and couldn’t hide in my voice that I felt put out. It really felt like he’d called out of obligation and had no interest in talking to me. I messaged after to say I totally knew it wasn’t personal, but to please let me know if he was finding calling me to be an obligation and that his disposition on the phone had made me wonder if he was actually interested in continuing a relationship with me. I know it’s always a no-no (especially on MN) to be needy, especially in a newer relationship but I was really at the end of my tether after a week of hearing no niceties at all and just being a dumping ground for his stress, with 3 more weeks of it to go. He replied and said he did still want to be with me and everything was fine, and I definitely wasn’t an obligation, BUT while he totally understood my side, unfortunately he was giving was all he had in him right now and he was unlikely to be able to be any more engaging or cheerful any time soon. That was last night and today I haven’t heard from him today at all 😔. Usually I hear from him a ton during the day. So now we’ve gone from very frequent albeit gloomy communication, to no communication at all. Which makes me feel like I really messed up last night by telling him I felt upset. I really should’ve been more understanding and just kept my mouth shut. I let a moment of insecurity ruin things and now I don’t get to hear from him at all. The worst thing is, now I look back and realise he had been making a lot of effort, despite his stress, and I let one bad conversation get to me and drove him away. I am 45 years old and have been happily single for years, so I’m completely embarrassed that I’m even having to worry about such things.

Lavenderblossoms · 04/08/2024 17:22

I personally don't think this man is worth giving up being single for.

He is not in the head space for a relationship. You are not his unpaid therapist.

Cut your losses while it is still new. Sometimes thinks just don't work out. This is this.

Bulkypeepants · 04/08/2024 17:17

His response suggests he's trying to end it with you but doesn't have the balls to so is just dragging it out and being an arsehole in the hope that you do it for him.

There is no relationship here. End it and stop stringing each other on.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 04/08/2024 17:07

Didimum · 04/08/2024 16:59

Did he react badly? It seems to me he is just expressing how he feels. That he could see her side of it, but that he was at its wit’s end at the moment. That he felt she was unreasonable to pile on relationship stress on top of it.

Again, if it had been ongoing for quite some time then there comes a point when enough is enough, but it had been a week.

I think he probably should have cut the phone calls down from the beginning, especially if he felt his energy and patience really depleting, and asked OP to understand, but perhaps he felt unable to for whatever reason or he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be able to happily cope with them. Stressed and tired people often don’t make the best decisions. Sounds like the time difference is difficult to manage too.

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Just looking at OPs updates about the texts/messages he sent- it seems he has been mauling over the fact she was unahppy and how dare she when he has stuff to do.

Maybe it's just a bad time for a relationship for both of them. Maybe if he is in a better place, it may be worth trying again, but it defintiely seems he has an unpleasant side to him Id not want to explore.

Didimum · 04/08/2024 16:59

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 04/08/2024 16:35

Yes but...
He could have politely said he is stressed and cant talk every day.

On the other hand, i would not want to ring a newish partner every day nor would I want to receive daily phonecalls.

So maybe OP is a bit needy wanting daily conversations- maybe these are her needs, but for someone else it can feel very suffocating.
But the guy seems to have a very short fuse and react badly to suggestions, which is not a very good sign.

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Did he react badly? It seems to me he is just expressing how he feels. That he could see her side of it, but that he was at its wit’s end at the moment. That he felt she was unreasonable to pile on relationship stress on top of it.

Again, if it had been ongoing for quite some time then there comes a point when enough is enough, but it had been a week.

I think he probably should have cut the phone calls down from the beginning, especially if he felt his energy and patience really depleting, and asked OP to understand, but perhaps he felt unable to for whatever reason or he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be able to happily cope with them. Stressed and tired people often don’t make the best decisions. Sounds like the time difference is difficult to manage too.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 04/08/2024 16:35

Didimum · 04/08/2024 16:12

I am fairly hurt by this response. I am basically hearing that he will not/cannot meet my emotional needs, but I must meet his.

A relationship is rarely 50/50 all the time in terms of emotional weight pulled. Sometimes one person will feel 20% in their ability and the other can pull the 80%. It’s when you both feel extremely low in capacity that you have to have a conversation about how to cope so that you don’t end up hurting each other.

If I’m honest (without knowing you both fully over time), I think you went too hard at him knowing how much he was struggling. The brunt of his grumpiness had been for a week.

Edited

Yes but...
He could have politely said he is stressed and cant talk every day.

On the other hand, i would not want to ring a newish partner every day nor would I want to receive daily phonecalls.

So maybe OP is a bit needy wanting daily conversations- maybe these are her needs, but for someone else it can feel very suffocating.
But the guy seems to have a very short fuse and react badly to suggestions, which is not a very good sign.

Didimum · 04/08/2024 16:12

I am fairly hurt by this response. I am basically hearing that he will not/cannot meet my emotional needs, but I must meet his.

A relationship is rarely 50/50 all the time in terms of emotional weight pulled. Sometimes one person will feel 20% in their ability and the other can pull the 80%. It’s when you both feel extremely low in capacity that you have to have a conversation about how to cope so that you don’t end up hurting each other.

If I’m honest (without knowing you both fully over time), I think you went too hard at him knowing how much he was struggling. The brunt of his grumpiness had been for a week.

Original poster

Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 16:00

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 04/08/2024 15:06

Why would you want to be in a relationship with a miserable twat who conditions you to be too afraid to raise anything that pisses you off?

I think I probably don’t, if I’m honest. He just dropped me a text that (I think??) had a typo in it and didn’t make sense.

i replied “I’m not sure what {insert typo word} meant! Enjoy your drive”.

His reply:

”forget it. Too busy to explain. I need to go”

He’s text me, so I’m not sure why he was so hostile.

This is about the tone of literally all communication right now, although he insists he wants to keep dating.

It’s just too draining.

OP posts:

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 04/08/2024 15:06

Why would you want to be in a relationship with a miserable twat who conditions you to be too afraid to raise anything that pisses you off?

LimeShaker · 04/08/2024 14:48

Tricky - I think being ‘reprimanded’ often gets someone’s back up even if they are in the wrong - I find it does with me. I know it sounds manipulative but sometimes you have you raise an issue by angling it slightly different e.g I don’t know if these calls are making you feel worse as you really don’t sound happy and I’m not always sure what to say - if you want to take a break from calling that is fine…more about them than you…don’t know but have found it works whereas the other approach can make people very defensive as he appears to be now. Having said that would agree with pp that it is a lot for 4 months - does not sound fun for you and might be best to bin off at this stage

theresnolimits · 04/08/2024 14:47

Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 14:35

It’s not that I have any specific emotional needs. I really just needed a bit of common decency and politeness, which I wasn’t getting.

In terms of actual emotion needs, I was more upset that he has told me that going forward, if I do have emotions about anything, to not raise them with him, as he’s too stressed.

I read it as “hence forth, I’ll be behaving however I like, because I’m very stressed, so you may or may not hear from me, and when you do, I may be rude, and I’ll need you to just grin and bear it, without comment”.

That’s really how it came across. I’m paraphrasing but he did basically say those things.

As PPs have pointed out, he’s not my SO as we’re only four months in, so I’m not sure I feel invested enough, to just be an emotional dumping ground and not much else, for almost another month.

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I think you’re reading an awful lot into these things; sometimes it’s not all about you.

Personally I’d keep it light until he got back and talk face to face. But if this is a dealbreaker, then end it. At four months, it’s not the end of the world. He may be relieved …

Original poster

Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 14:35

Fiery30 · 04/08/2024 14:23

I agree with Lovelyjumper.

The situation is difficult, especially with the physical distance and time difference. He is clearly going through a stressful time. You both have expressed your thoughts, though he could have said it better. It's nice that he has still made time to communicate with you regularly. I understand that you felt bad but don't take it personally. What are your emotional needs that you say are unmet? As is said before, there cannot always be a balance in partners' supporting each other. Some situation automatically lead to one person being more caring.

It’s not that I have any specific emotional needs. I really just needed a bit of common decency and politeness, which I wasn’t getting.

In terms of actual emotion needs, I was more upset that he has told me that going forward, if I do have emotions about anything, to not raise them with him, as he’s too stressed.

I read it as “hence forth, I’ll be behaving however I like, because I’m very stressed, so you may or may not hear from me, and when you do, I may be rude, and I’ll need you to just grin and bear it, without comment”.

That’s really how it came across. I’m paraphrasing but he did basically say those things.

As PPs have pointed out, he’s not my SO as we’re only four months in, so I’m not sure I feel invested enough, to just be an emotional dumping ground and not much else, for almost another month.

OP posts:

Fiery30 · 04/08/2024 14:23

I agree with Lovelyjumper.

The situation is difficult, especially with the physical distance and time difference. He is clearly going through a stressful time. You both have expressed your thoughts, though he could have said it better. It's nice that he has still made time to communicate with you regularly. I understand that you felt bad but don't take it personally. What are your emotional needs that you say are unmet? As is said before, there cannot always be a balance in partners' supporting each other. Some situation automatically lead to one person being more caring.

Loopytiles · 04/08/2024 14:18

The ‘emotional dumping’ on you repeatedly, then rudeness, was shit.
Your text about ‘obligations’ was odd; his response seems far, far worse. he can’t / won’t be nice to the person he’s dating for at least some of the phone calls!

SauviGone · 04/08/2024 14:17

Did you post about this before he even went away?

He'd pre-warned you that it was going to be a difficult time for him and he couldn't guarantee to call or text you every day - you were asking MN how much contact you could reasonably demand from him?

If you're the same poster, you've probably sent him away with another daily obligation to fulfill whilst he's already dealing with an extremely stressful set of circumstances.

Either way, I'd give him a break from the daily expectation of contacting you.

delphi13 · 04/08/2024 14:10

I think the fact he saw you as a support during his stressful time is good. It's good for a partner to be supportive. What is not good is being spoken to rudely.

I would personally respond to him that I don't expect him to pretend to be cheerful and I am happy for him to tell you about the stress he is under but I am absolutely not happy to be snapped at and spoken to rudely. That is where the line should be drawn. Tell him you are not his verbal punch bag but more than happy to talk through his issues. If he can't separate his frustrations and stress from the people that are causing them and you the willing ear to listen then he can sod off.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/08/2024 14:04

YANBU. Communication is key. Whatever the level of stress, there needs to be respect and openness. I don’t like how he’s handled this at all and I’m not surprised you feel pissed off.

Sinderalla · 04/08/2024 14:03

I'd say he feels like you can't be bothered with him.
Text him and ask how he is.
As for phone calls, only answer the ones you want to take.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 04/08/2024 14:03

ChristmasFluff · 04/08/2024 09:46

No, I agree with a PP, for me this does have red flag written all over it.

He's been emotionally dumping on you, OP to the extent of rudeness. Then when you point out that this isn't on, he goes quiet on you and then comes back eventually to tell you that you are wrong.

He's training you to not raise issues with him, because you are his emotional support appliance, and appliances are not meant to have needs too.

Think about how you would treat him if you were under the same stress. I'd bet lots of money you wouldn't be like he has been with you. It isn't needy to expect basic decency from someone. And this is still the start of the relationship, when he's the nicest he'll ever be.

At the very least, I'd suggest taking a break from the relationship until he gets back.

I've not seen anything about him emotionally dumping on her, what I have done is OP being upset that he is not as cheerful or calling her as much as she would like despite the fact he is going through a time time now.

And all that stuff about training is just bullshit you have made up.

Maybe OP needs to stop focusing on just her needs and recognize her is going through a tough time and support him rather than insist on her needs being met. That is actually selfish and needy. Parents support each other through tough times not insist on "my needs being met" no matter what you are going through.

newyearsresolurion · 04/08/2024 13:58

Red flags- 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

MyBreezyPombear · 04/08/2024 13:58

Mrsttcno1 · 04/08/2024 13:55

But he’s not your “SO”, you’re only dating, and have only been dating for 4 months.

He’s not been unreasonable in my opinion, it sounds like he’s under a lot of stress & pressure with a lot of people to keep happy/speak to, after only 4 months you’re just another person he has to tick off the list at the end of the day.

If it was me and my husband in your situation, he would be happy to speak to me at the end of a busy and stressful day because I’m his safe place, I’m a certainty, we are a rock for each other and we are able to support each other through those times because we ARE partners. If he needed to rang or winge at me at the end of a busy stressful day (or vice versa), we accept that, and we help each other through it, that’s what partners do.

You and this man are not partners, you’re dating, and you’ve only been doing that for 4 months.

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This probably sums it up for me too.

It's only four months you've been dating, he's going through a really tough time and you're talking about your emotional needs.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/08/2024 13:55

Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 13:44

If I were under a lot of stress, I would be pleased to hear from my SO (him in this case). I would never speak to him, or anyone, as rudely as he spoke to me. And if I did, I’d apologise about it after.

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But he’s not your “SO”, you’re only dating, and have only been dating for 4 months.

He’s not been unreasonable in my opinion, it sounds like he’s under a lot of stress & pressure with a lot of people to keep happy/speak to, after only 4 months you’re just another person he has to tick off the list at the end of the day.

If it was me and my husband in your situation, he would be happy to speak to me at the end of a busy and stressful day because I’m his safe place, I’m a certainty, we are a rock for each other and we are able to support each other through those times because we ARE partners. If he needed to rang or winge at me at the end of a busy stressful day (or vice versa), we accept that, and we help each other through it, that’s what partners do.

You and this man are not partners, you’re dating, and you’ve only been doing that for 4 months.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 04/08/2024 13:53

Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 00:59

Well, he finally got in touch. It’s Sunday morning where he is.

He said he’d been pissed off by the fact I said I was upset when we spoke last. He said I knew he was going through a lot with his family, and he was annoyed that I didn’t just accept he was tired and stressed, and felt I was unreasonable to raise it.

He said going forward , while he was on his trip and dealing with the lawyers and family etc, he didn’t want to deal with emotional stuff like that from me, because he had too much going on.

He said also he didn’t want to feel he had to call me at the end of his day and pretend to be cheerful, when he was just tired and wanted to sleep.

I am fairly hurt by this response. I am basically hearing that he will not/cannot meet my emotional needs, but I must meet his.

I cannot even process whether I’m being wildly needy and unreasonable here, or if I’m being asked to put up and shut up? I’m failing to see what’s in it for me, really.

The whole irony of this is that my original concern had been that I felt I was an obligation to him, and he’s annoyed that I raised that concern, and has somehow therefore come full circle to confirm that by virtue of the fact I raised it, I have made myself an obligation.

I think you should end the relationship and move on. This is too much drama for a 4 month old relationship.

It's obvious he is going through a tough time and probates can be tasking and tough especially dealing with family who all want different things, and on top of that he is probably still grieving from whoever he lost and in my opinion this is the time for you to be there for him but you're only focused on meeting your own needs.

I can see how someone in that situation will not be as cheerful as he usually is or available, unless you think he is cheating on you or something else then that's a different situation and if that's the case still end the relationship.

I am fairly hurt by this response. I am basically hearing that he will not/cannot meet my emotional needs, but I must meet his

Yes because he's is going through a tough time now so as his partner he needs your support. And when you need his support he will be there for you but you continuing to insist on your own needs while he is going through a tough probate and loss makes it all about you.

There is no way on earth that a partner will be able to meet his or her partners needs every single time, there are times one partner needs to be strong to support the other and then vice versa. Again unless you think he is lying or exaggerating I think YABU and needy.

Probate means loss, that's is painful. Probate means dealing with family who are most likely fighting and arguing over things like how to or if you see property, assets etc. it's tough and stressful. If you cannot support him through this tough period because your needs have to be met then this relationship isn't for either of you.

Original poster

Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 13:44

oneskip · 04/08/2024 12:07

Can you imagine the kick back if the roles were reversed? If she was abroad dealing with stress but tried to keep calling the new boyfriend and he came out with what Op said? Deary me.

If I were under a lot of stress, I would be pleased to hear from my SO (him in this case). I would never speak to him, or anyone, as rudely as he spoke to me. And if I did, I’d apologise about it after.

OP posts:

bluegreygreen · 04/08/2024 12:23

Agree with LovelyJumper

Being away on a difficult trip, sorting stressful family and legal issues, si not the time also to have to sort out emotional obligations by phone

oneskip · 04/08/2024 12:07

Can you imagine the kick back if the roles were reversed? If she was abroad dealing with stress but tried to keep calling the new boyfriend and he came out with what Op said? Deary me.