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Original poster

Have I messed my relationship up by raising my dissatisfaction

84 replies

Kingpongking · 03/08/2024 22:46

I’ve been dating a man for 4 months. We are dating exclusively and it seemed to be going well.

He has flown back to his home country for 5 weeks. It’s a stressful trip as he is sorting out some probate related stuff and dealing with some tricky family dynamics, plus has a lot of people to see.

He’s been there two weeks. He’s text and called every day, some days quite a lot which is lovely. However, in the last week, his communication has really just been him complaining about how stressed he is. None of the conversations have really been him engaging with me or taking an interest in what I’ve been doing.

I do get it, I really do. But the last straw for me was when he called yesterday. He said he’d call me at 10pm his time. He called me at 4am!

When he did finally call, he sounded so miserable and like he desperately didn’t want to be on the phone. He was irritable and kind of snappy with me. There was no warmth in his voice at all. I just got really upset and couldn’t hide in my voice that I felt put out. It really felt like he’d called out of obligation and had no interest in talking to me.

I messaged after to say I totally knew it wasn’t personal, but to please let me know if he was finding calling me to be an obligation and that his disposition on the phone had made me wonder if he was actually interested in continuing a relationship with me.

I know it’s always a no-no (especially on MN) to be needy, especially in a newer relationship but I was really at the end of my tether after a week of hearing no niceties at all and just being a dumping ground for his stress, with 3 more weeks of it to go.

He replied and said he did still want to be with me and everything was fine, and I definitely wasn’t an obligation, BUT while he totally understood my side, unfortunately he was giving was all he had in him right now and he was unlikely to be able to be any more engaging or cheerful any time soon.

That was last night and today I haven’t heard from him today at all 😔. Usually I hear from him a ton during the day. So now we’ve gone from very frequent albeit gloomy communication, to no communication at all. Which makes me feel like I really messed up last night by telling him I felt upset. I really should’ve been more understanding and just kept my mouth shut. I let a moment of insecurity ruin things and now I don’t get to hear from him at all. The worst thing is, now I look back and realise he had been making a lot of effort, despite his stress, and I let one bad conversation get to me and drove him away.

I am 45 years old and have been happily single for years, so I’m completely embarrassed that I’m even having to worry about such things.

OP posts:
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justbeingasmartarse · 06/08/2024 13:15

How weird that some posters think that being stressed is a perfectly valid excuse for being unkind and rude

#BeKind

TotalDramarama24 · 05/08/2024 10:05

He sounds awful OP, and very selfish. I know you said his 4am isn't your 4am but any decent man who cared about your well-being would not call you at that time. If anything he would call you at his 4am to make sure it was a decent hour for you. You shouldn't have picked up the call. Also how much stress is there really in sorting out a grandparent's probate? Some yes but not enough to warrant this level of awful behaviour. I think you should throw this one back OP.

DearHorse · 05/08/2024 09:56

Your message to him seems very kind and understanding. He was being disrespectful to you. Unlike a previous poster, I don't think he wants to break up. Some people are just like this. They take out their frustrations on their partner. It seems he does not even think this is wrong. It has only been 4 months. Life is full of stressful situations. Imagine the rest of your life like this...

ManchesterGirl2 · 05/08/2024 09:49

I think the problem is him not you. Being stressed is not an excuse to be rude to people. Do you really want this behaviour every time there a stressful situation in the future?

Doingmybest12 · 05/08/2024 09:40

I couldn't be doing with someone calling me multiple times a day no matter who they are and for what reason. It all seems unrealistic and unhealthy. Expectations on both sides seem really off. I would just wish him well and say let's catch up when he is back..

AuntMarch · 05/08/2024 09:32

I'd have said cut some slack given what he's dealing with, we can all be a bit rude to others when we are going through a tough time. Most of us can see it and apologise for it though. So no, I wouldnt take that after just 4 months when I know I can be happy on my own not having someone talk to me like crap!

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 05/08/2024 09:23

Not rtft but l think l would say why don't you give me a call when you are home and we can see where we are at.
Yanbu to flag up how he made you feel.

Waterboatlass · 05/08/2024 09:18

It's quite telling that he called you at a disruptive time (0400) just to moan and didn't take your polite query on the chin.

I understand he is under stress and there will be complications we don't know about but it is pertinent who has died. An elderly grandparent doesn't give the same clemency for changes in behaviour as an untimely death, say a child. It's stressful and sad but a part of life.

You're not an appropriate person to offload gripes to night after night for weeks as a very new partner. It's natural you were wondering whether he wanted to be on the call at all if it was all so negative. Of course you didn't expect him to be giggling sweet nothings every night but warmth and mutual care are needed to keep a new relationship alive (or put on hold if and he's truly unable to commit anything to you). He's let the ball drop completely.

I think he is showing a selfish streak and a lack of understanding for your feelings which was valid and politely expressed. I think this streak would have come out sooner or later. I'd

Don't get me wrong, I have sympathy for his position, I really do. But it hasn't merited this level of self absorption on his contact with you even if the family and admin are complex, and he's pushed you away with his lack of consideration. 0400 phone calls are for emergencies. Not waking you up to moan. He should have managed this better and kept at least partly to messages where he could give you an update and watch his tone.

Also, he doesn't want to deal with emotion from you? That's all you've dealt with from him for three weeks. But it doesn't count because he's a man? On important duties?

I know this sounds a bit callous as 'bereaved' but it isn't as simple as that.

AuntieEstablishment · 05/08/2024 08:39

How weird that some posters think that being stressed is a perfectly valid excuse for being unkind and rude. People should have higher standards for themselves and others.
He shouldn't be treating you as if you're an inconvenience.
He shouldn't be so rude.
He is not too busy/distracted/stressed to work out what time it is in the UK, and to wait for a mutually convenient time to ring you. This in itself shows how self-centred he is. A 4am call is fine for an emergency, but certainly not to call you to whinge.

Plus, I find the word needy a bit crap. It's always used in the context of women, and usually means that they're open and honest about what they expect from a relationship.

HellonHeels · 05/08/2024 08:33

He sounds quite nasty and taking out all his stress on you. I wouldn't be interested in dealing with that and I suspect he'd never go back to being the "nice" guy he was earlier on. This is the real him - take him or leave him. I'd be leaving him.

yeesh · 05/08/2024 08:30

Fuck him off, it’s too early days for all this drama

Polarnight · 05/08/2024 08:28

justbeingasmartarse · 05/08/2024 08:25

Mmmmm. He’s a bit me, me, me, me, me, isn’t he

Show quote history

As opposed to the op who has none of this going on and cares only for herself

justbeingasmartarse · 05/08/2024 08:25

Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 00:59

Well, he finally got in touch. It’s Sunday morning where he is.

He said he’d been pissed off by the fact I said I was upset when we spoke last. He said I knew he was going through a lot with his family, and he was annoyed that I didn’t just accept he was tired and stressed, and felt I was unreasonable to raise it.

He said going forward , while he was on his trip and dealing with the lawyers and family etc, he didn’t want to deal with emotional stuff like that from me, because he had too much going on.

He said also he didn’t want to feel he had to call me at the end of his day and pretend to be cheerful, when he was just tired and wanted to sleep.

I am fairly hurt by this response. I am basically hearing that he will not/cannot meet my emotional needs, but I must meet his.

I cannot even process whether I’m being wildly needy and unreasonable here, or if I’m being asked to put up and shut up? I’m failing to see what’s in it for me, really.

The whole irony of this is that my original concern had been that I felt I was an obligation to him, and he’s annoyed that I raised that concern, and has somehow therefore come full circle to confirm that by virtue of the fact I raised it, I have made myself an obligation.

Mmmmm. He’s a bit me, me, me, me, me, isn’t he

Polarnight · 05/08/2024 08:16

God you lot are nasty.

I met someone last year and 4 months later my mother started dying. She was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer that was untreatable and wasn't even worth chemo or radiotherapy.

If that wasnt bad enough my remaining family behaved appallingly and I won't go into it but it was the worst thing I've ever been through and I've cut off the family since mum's death.

Only 4 month onto a new relationship this happened to me. My boyfriend saw me at my worst very early on. Yes I was miserable yes I was stressed, I couldn't help it..I tried not to let it affect everything but sometimes I failed.

Guess what he's still with me and its been 18 months now. I was worried we wouldn't survive but he took a mature approach and though it was hard here we are.

I mean what about you OP? He calls you daily and you're pisses off he's not on bended knee? Why are we so self obsessed all the time and now no one can have family problems, you see it as a sign of disinterest?

Maybe he's better ending it.

OMGsamesame · 05/08/2024 08:08

Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 13:44

If I were under a lot of stress, I would be pleased to hear from my SO (him in this case). I would never speak to him, or anyone, as rudely as he spoke to me. And if I did, I’d apologise about it after.

Show quote history

You don't know that.

HoppityBun · 05/08/2024 08:04

Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 00:59

Well, he finally got in touch. It’s Sunday morning where he is.

He said he’d been pissed off by the fact I said I was upset when we spoke last. He said I knew he was going through a lot with his family, and he was annoyed that I didn’t just accept he was tired and stressed, and felt I was unreasonable to raise it.

He said going forward , while he was on his trip and dealing with the lawyers and family etc, he didn’t want to deal with emotional stuff like that from me, because he had too much going on.

He said also he didn’t want to feel he had to call me at the end of his day and pretend to be cheerful, when he was just tired and wanted to sleep.

I am fairly hurt by this response. I am basically hearing that he will not/cannot meet my emotional needs, but I must meet his.

I cannot even process whether I’m being wildly needy and unreasonable here, or if I’m being asked to put up and shut up? I’m failing to see what’s in it for me, really.

The whole irony of this is that my original concern had been that I felt I was an obligation to him, and he’s annoyed that I raised that concern, and has somehow therefore come full circle to confirm that by virtue of the fact I raised it, I have made myself an obligation.

Seems reasonable to me and in his position I can imagine feeling the same. Calling/ texting you every day when you have only been together 4 months is excessive, in my view.

Strawberriesandpimms · 05/08/2024 08:00

He's going through a tough time with bereavement/probate so would cut him a little slack, but tbh he sounds rude and a bit too much like hard work. Definitely not good under pressure. Let him put the effort in to contact you (or not) whilst he's away but if he's rude again end the call and let him know whilst you wish to be supportive you're not his therapist.

Brooklyn70 · 05/08/2024 07:54

LovelyJumper · 04/08/2024 09:26

I think it’s just escalating because you aren’t physically together.

I don’t think either of you were being unreasonable. But at some point in any relationship if both people have “emotional needs” that can’t be simultaneously met, someone has to compromise. In this situation, I would suggest that you should as he’s dealing with family stuff, much of which you may not be aware of so early into a relationship.

Saying you feel let down he can’t meet your emotional needs when he’s away with family doing sad stuff is a bit of a red flag for him about you tbh. What about his emotional needs?

I think you need to take a breath, say you understand, and break the stalemate with a comedy gif or something.

Obvs if this becomes a pattern, sure it’s a red flag. But you are 4 months in. Try to be a bit empathetic and don’t minimise what he might be dealing with.

Fully agree with this

OrwellianTimes · 05/08/2024 07:39

Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 21:36

Thanks all. I went back to the texts I sent him after he was so rude on the phone, and they really weren’t putting any pressure on him.

I said (verbatim):

”hey. Sorry if I sounded a little off on the phone. It was hard to know how to react as you sounded so much like you didn’t want to be on the phone. I love the fact you make the time to call but please don’t feel you have to call me out of obligation. I don’t want to be something that’s adding more pressure to an even more stressful time. And if you’re finding it hard to have someone else to think about right now, please do tell me”.

That was what I said. Word for word. .

And then he has barely spoken to me since, except to tell me he was annoyed by that reaction.

His contact levels since then have gone from 20 times a day (absolutely his doing. Never mine), to twice, and they’re just messages about how busy he is and that he won’t have time to talk to me.

It feels heavily one sided and I’m struggling to see an upside of remaining in it.

I’m inclined to agree with the PP who said he wants to break up but doesn’t have the balls. Although he absolutely insists that isn’t the case.

Edited

It’s a well known tactic. Go cold and insist they don’t want to break up so you have to do the dirty work for them.

He's obviously under pressure, but his responses are full of red flag here. Ditch and move on with your life.

daisychain01 · 05/08/2024 07:29

@Kingpongking you have no obligation towards this bloke. As you rightly say, you're only 4 months into the relationship. I'd leave things be while he's away and if there is anything to salvage when he gets back to the uk then decide at the time whether or not it's worth salvaging. Don't get over invested. It's not worth it. Plenty of other people out there if it doesn't work out.

His contact levels since then have gone from 20 times a day

that's excessive, you really don't need that in your life. He sounds unhinged, and expects you to bend and sway to meet his emotional needs. Very entitled.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 05/08/2024 07:17

Beat him to it. Ghost him now. I’d even block him. I wouldn’t want someone like that in my life, he’s using you as an emotional punchbag at best, and conditioning you with abusive behaviours at worst.

Original poster
Kingpongking · 04/08/2024 21:36

Thanks all. I went back to the texts I sent him after he was so rude on the phone, and they really weren’t putting any pressure on him.

I said (verbatim):

”hey. Sorry if I sounded a little off on the phone. It was hard to know how to react as you sounded so much like you didn’t want to be on the phone. I love the fact you make the time to call but please don’t feel you have to call me out of obligation. I don’t want to be something that’s adding more pressure to an even more stressful time. And if you’re finding it hard to have someone else to think about right now, please do tell me”.

That was what I said. Word for word. .

And then he has barely spoken to me since, except to tell me he was annoyed by that reaction.

His contact levels since then have gone from 20 times a day (absolutely his doing. Never mine), to twice, and they’re just messages about how busy he is and that he won’t have time to talk to me.

It feels heavily one sided and I’m struggling to see an upside of remaining in it.

I’m inclined to agree with the PP who said he wants to break up but doesn’t have the balls. Although he absolutely insists that isn’t the case.

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 04/08/2024 18:05

VictoriaEra2 · 04/08/2024 10:35

Very much agree with this.

Show quote history

Yes I also agree with this

LouH5 · 04/08/2024 17:53

Four months is a decent amount of time, and it sounds like, aside from this, you’ve been having a good time with him and the relationship could have legs.
Hes going through a bit of a rough time out there, he hasn’t been amazing to you in the last week but we all have rough patches. I wouldn’t write this off. I’d give him another chance and send him a message saying you hope he’s okay etc and you understand it’s a rough time.

AskingForAFriend12 · 04/08/2024 17:45

Bulkypeepants · 04/08/2024 17:17

His response suggests he's trying to end it with you but doesn't have the balls to so is just dragging it out and being an arsehole in the hope that you do it for him.

There is no relationship here. End it and stop stringing each other on.

I don't think that however his responses suggest he can't deal with stress without being absolutely rude. Trust me, you don't want this. End it.

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