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Original poster

Saying no to childcare in the holidays

895 replies

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:03

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

OP posts:
friendlycat · 08/08/2024 22:21

I hope you don’t get put in a difficult situation at the get together.

It really is crazy that they think it’s fair and ok for you to entertain and look after 6 children!

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 08/08/2024 22:04

If it gets raised, say that you find looking after 6 children too difficult.

masomenos · 08/08/2024 21:52

That’s fair enough, OP. It’s great your PILs won’t get involved in this, so no chance of everyone ganging up on you. You’re grown ups, if SIL/BIL say anything you can answer them right back. Just be firm and factual: babysitting of cousins, much as we all love them, just isn’t what we had in mind when I decided to go PT. We’ve taken a cut to our household income for us to have a life that works for all 5 of us. Three more people is too much. I want to keep the kids’ relationships on the same level. Let’s drop this now, I don’t want to go over this again and again.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/08/2024 21:24

Arguably, op, depending on the ages of all the children (yours and hers) you'd technically be over the threshold considered safe with sole charge (appreciate that's for a childminder but still a valid point) and might be worth using as ammunition if a simple NO won't suffice?

farleysrusks · 08/08/2024 21:22

Let us know how the lunch goes: hopefully, the issue will not be mentioned, and you'll have a nice time and wonder what you were worrying about.

Original poster
Aprilmaymum · 08/08/2024 21:19

I really appreciate all your thoughts and my DH and I have discussed at length about not going or going and what is the best thing to do. The thing is though I get on very well with my in-laws. They have always been nice and kind and although they don’t engage in childcare ( I totally respect they have done their time as parents) I respect them as people. I feel that by now saying no ( they asked were we are to come and I said yes already ) that I am then being the awkward one. I have none nothing wrong and so don’t feel I have to avoid anyone. My DH and I are both on board and will support each other. My in laws and not the sort to pressure me they are more likely to support me so I don’t want it in fact hide away.
we will go and if it is mentioned deal with it then. I do admit to being apprehensive but then why should I when I did the best for my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aprilmaymum · 08/08/2024 21:01

Hepzibar · 07/08/2024 21:05

Is this usual @Aprilmaymum or has this been set up with a motive of 'persuading' you to play nicely??

We usually get together about 3 times a year

OP posts:
WhatThenEh · 08/08/2024 19:33

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WickieRoy · 08/08/2024 19:29

Given OP apologised about the ft mum thing 5 days ago, could we maybe park it here or move it to a different thread? It's repetitive and irrelevant to OP's dilemma with her family.

WhatThenEh · 08/08/2024 19:18

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BettyBardMacDonald · 08/08/2024 19:07

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You know, why do you feel the need to hijack a perfectly interesting and focused thread with these arguments over semantics?

Why not start a separate one instead of inflicting this on those of us interested in the OP's dilemma?

Teateaandmoretea · 08/08/2024 18:53

Nah I’d have something on already.

oObyeOo · 08/08/2024 18:13

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

I would suggest you meet up together then, when fail is off work. Such as for dinner or a weekend morning

susiedaisy1912 · 08/08/2024 17:51

I would not go to the family meal this weekend but won't end well. You will either be bullied into having the kids or there will be an atmosphere and you'll spend it trying to defend your position.

BetterWithPockets · 08/08/2024 17:26

Love51 · 03/08/2024 22:19

This is one of those "lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine" situations.

I'd get vocally offended tbh. They haven't booked childcare, assumed you'd do it and waited until the holidays are well underway before asking. Very disrespectful. Don't meekly apologise, you and DH both tell them (and MIL) how rude they are being.

A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine…

LOVE this, @Love51!
See also:
A lack of planning on your part does not make it my responsibility to pick up the pieces.

DPotter · 08/08/2024 17:15

Your MIL may have good intentions of just hosting a happy families lunch, but I'd bet good money your BIL & SIL will see it as an opportunity to embarrass / cajole, blackmail you into childcare over the next few weeks. Please don't go

Duck is spot on.

It's an ambush, even if you are knowingly walking into it. Make excuses for the whole of your family and counter invite them first weekend after the kids return to school.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 08/08/2024 16:32

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Nope. Most sensible people got what OP meant.
Obviously it rustled the permanently offended.

WhatThenEh · 08/08/2024 16:23

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Grammarnut · 08/08/2024 15:55

ABirdsEyeView · 08/08/2024 15:43

It's not suggesting they are lesser mums - the OP is just saying that she's actively doing childcare full time. If you look hard enough for offence, you'll find it!

I was pointing out that staying at home is a f/t job.

diddl · 08/08/2024 15:51

Honestly if this is "lunch" is to try to "smooth things over" it's ridiculous.

What on earth have BIL & SIL been saying?

Can't believe that PILs would get so involved about one DIL saying no to another re free childcare for three kids-especially when the DIL being asked already has three kids of her own!

ABirdsEyeView · 08/08/2024 15:43

It's not suggesting they are lesser mums - the OP is just saying that she's actively doing childcare full time. If you look hard enough for offence, you'll find it!

WhatThenEh · 08/08/2024 15:34

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Grammarnut · 08/08/2024 15:00

sanityisamyth · 08/08/2024 12:24

100% this. I'm a FT mum but also work FT and volunteer on top of that.

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I think I have already pointed this out. Women who are FT mums and work OUTSIDE the home as well do the double shift. Suggesting that being a stay at home mum does not mean you are full-time is just one of the ways that society relegates women who choose not to do TWO full-time jobs to second-grade citizenship. OP is a full-time mother. She has (sensibly) chosen not to do the double shift.

Eddielizzard · 08/08/2024 14:52

DuckbilledSplatterPuff speaks very very wise words. Put them off til after the holidays, and if your DH has already committed, see if he can remember some commitment he 'forgot'. It is an ambush. Even if the PIL aren't pushing you, they will want you to resolve differences. The pressure to conform as a family outsider and the potential to paint you as the unreasonable one is huge. Best not engage at all, but be oh so sorry from a very vast distance. Come Sept, all happiness and light. How ARE you? Haven't see you for so long blah blah

Ilovecleaning · 08/08/2024 14:44

WickieRoy · 08/08/2024 14:35

I wouldn't be relishing it, but I would want to be there to stick up for myself rather than have everyone talking about me behind my back.

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Yes, she could do that. Especially if DH sticks firmly by her side.