Saying no to childcare in the holidays

Or BIL could look after them - just an idea.

I suspect he has one of those very important ‘man-jobs’ that don’t allow him to do anything at all to contribute though. You read about them a lot on mumsnet. In real life I wonder how women doing the same jobs cope.

I think I would message them about how upset you are that you are being treated as free childcare when you are paying for childcare for your own DC so you can WORK and you don't understand how they can use annual leave and £ for a month holiday in the states and then expect other people to sort out an issue they have created.

Your DH’s family are bullies. They went to America for a month, so they aren’t skint are they? If they have 3 DC, and they can’t look after them themselves, they should both look at flexible working, or go p/t. You are not there to facilitate their expensive lifestyle and be their PA for their disorganised bullshit.

You are being bullied, and gaslit. They didn’t get what they wanted, so they are now recruiting other family members to harass you. I’d go ballistic. They have no consideration for your feelings, and they are really disrespectful.

Stick with your guns. But also, you need to anticipate their moves. Can you sit down and work out when they are on holiday, when they are away, and then make sure you work to an opposite timetable. So, if you know they are away, or have a club, or whatever, the first 2 weeks in Aug, make sure you go on holiday the last 2 weeks, go to your mums, etc. Do they have particular days they always need help? Then book your DC’s clubs for that, and then say you aren’t free as you have appointments already booked.

I’d actually not let your BIL’s comments lie. I’d message him myself and say,

“hi BIL, I hear you have been saying how disappointed you are that I cannot look after your DC again next week and how families should help each other out. I’d just like to remind you about the occasions, that I have lost count of, that I have looked after your 3 DC, meaning 6 DC to look after on my own. I cannot even leave the house due to the number. This has not once ever been reciprocated.

Family is very important yes. I’d like to remind you that I too am family, and right now I feel totally disrespected after all the help I’ve given you.

I’m sure you’ll agree that I have done more than my fair share of looking after your children. Moving forward, I think it is best if you find more reliable childcare and not assume that I am will be available, no questions asked”.

If someone in your DH’s family makes a personal comment about you, deal with them directly because most men will not stick up for their wives but try and appease both sides. How do you know your DH isn’t telling his DB, “ I know mate, but what can I do, she’s not budging”.

Deal with BIL and SIL directly. Why didn’t your DH say, this is too much. You need to sort your own childcare.

I think it is bizarre that the PILs are getting involved. Both my children and their spouses work. In the summer holidays we look after the children some of the time and they help each other out. They don’t have arguments over this but if they did, they certainly would not involve us. Ask FIL to look after the kids if he is so bothered.

So SIL asks you for unpaid childcare, you say no more, and she gets not only her husband but also her dad to intervene to try to bully you into doing it!? That’s so shitty.

What do they normally do in the holidays?
Do your parents in law work?

What are you going to do, @Aprilmaymum

I say no too. Your actual children come first, not hers. Your children have even commented on how they're looking forward to next week without them! Take yours to clubs/activities. Enjoy your time together as planned. Nothing bad will happen to sil. She'll stay home with her kids, and work when her husband's home to look after. They are their kids right! Keep saying no. Otherwise they'll expect it every week. It's not your job and your kids come first. Make your kids feel like they matter the most to you, and let them see what a strong person you are against manipulative bullies.

Absolutely this.

I also disagree with others saying get your DH to deal with them as they're his family
YOU are having YOUR time demanded not him. In laws are texting YOU.
You are absolutely within your rights to send a blanket message to them all saying an explicit NO as they're upsetting YOU

Agree re childminding. SiL should put own childcare in place i.e. pay for it.
But OP is a full-time mum - being a mother is a full-time job. Women who work do the double shift, being both a full-time mother and also working OUTSIDE the home full-time as well.
Stay at home mother (SAHM) is part of the insulting language used towards women who choose only to have one job - working as a full-time mother.

Don’t phone him OP. And don’t phone your SIL either.

Let your DH deal with his family, not fair they are joining forces to badger you into this. I don’t think you should follow your DH’s advice about saying you have plans either because that suggests in future you’ll be available.

You said no and that was tough for you. Now they all need to accept it and work out a different solution.

Taking four weeks in April!!! They are thoughtless and selfish immature idiots 😡

Make sure they know you're not just saying no to next week, it's no, full stop.

You’re clearly not a full time mum if you go out to work. 🤷🏻‍♀️

IMO, you’re only a full time mum if you home school or stay at home when the children are pre-school.

Absolutely this!

Yep-I had some really cheeky requests years ago when I first started teaching. I think some people (not friends) thought they were doing me a favour by suggesting I had their kids all day long as they thought I’d be bored!

They asked you if you could help and you said No. They haven’t respected this boundary and have dragged the in-laws into it to try to force you into doing it.

Id be tempted to not only stick to your guns but also to say that, given the way SIL has responded to your decline, you are no longer comfortable with her asking you to provide childcare for her children on any occasions in the future.

Obviously I know you’ll still want to see the children and can invite them to trips etc when it suits you. But no more relying on you for childcare.

Otherwise, this kind of situation will arise each time you say no - and you don’t need this kind of drama!

YANB. You need to nip this in the bud now. After the way they have behaved - treating you as the family childcare provider - I would stop having their kids, full stop. Definitely don't respond to FIL, you DO NOT need to explain yourself to them.

Don't give in Op. You're being treated like a naughty child whose being mean rather than a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Your ILs spend their time and money on holiday, that doesn't make it your job to be their free childcare.
I usually find the people who harp on about family helping each other are the ones who take all the help, not the ones who give it

One of my DDs is a teacher and she has this problem every holiday . It’s now a blanket no from her as some people were taking the piss as they assumed she would help .

How monumentally cheeky!!! And to go bitching to the rest of the family in an attempt to get her own way. She's just dug herself a bigger hole because if I were you, I wouldn't be doing any childcare for them again. Ever.

You did the right thing saying no OP.

What I think I'd be most annoyed at about this situation is that, the summer holidays aren't a surprise to anyone, we all know when it is. They've had months to sort something out, well in advance, but have made a conscious choice not to and instead have just assumed that you'd look after them. Why can't they book their kids into a holiday club like most other people do? Lots of holiday clubs give you a sibling discount too!

Oh FFS

All this ‘full time mum’ angst is based on guilt due to ingrained misogyny that women shouldn’t work.

I’ve worked all the way through and never dreamt of not doing tbh. No guilt just knowledge it was the right thing. I’m a ‘good provider’ 😄

Agree with PPs who have said to respond that you are also "very upset". Fling it back at them, put them on the defensive.

They are trying it on. They also know that if you say no this time you're saying no to the current set up full stop, and so they are pushing back harder because they like having you on call for childcare. And IL's are worried they might have to step up to SIL and would rather not.

They’re probably moaning away to your ILs about how unfair it all is. Your iLs need to understand that responsible non freeloaders organise their holiday childcare in advance. We had this issue with our step family- complaining about the cost of childcare/length of time in childcare and I had to point out to my dad that the majority of mums work and pay for childcare. My parents has listened to so much complaining they got sucked into the hard luck tale. I had to point out that I had worked full time and used childcare when my kids were little and my dad was like “oh”, penny dropped.

“I can’t do any more childcare but if you feel concerned, then why don’t you look after the children. After all, they are your grandchildren.”

”SIL, why are you and the rest of the family harassing me to look after YOUR children? I am unable to care for them and they are your responsibility after all. Stop texting and calling and complaining to everyone else that I am not stepping up to take on your responsibilities.”

No doubt these two messages/conversations would create a massive fall out but, frankly, no one else is giving you any consideration so they need to be told one last time. Let the fall out happen, sounds like they need you more than you need them anyway.

Jeez

What are these people on? Why do they think that you should be a permanent childcare solution and it’s okay to gang up on you in this way?

I would not respond and get DH to deal with it.

Or I would respond with ‘I’m also now upset about how the family has come together to side against me. I want to be left alone and am not willing to discuss it further’

YANBU at all. I gave up work this summer. As soon as SIL found out she asked me if I could look after her two children four days a week.
Er no. I gave up work to look after my own children, and support my youngest with his additional needs. Not to look after two children who have more energy than any child I have ever met.
I absolutely don't mind doing the odd day but even that depends on DS and how he is that day and I wouldn't expect two younger children to understand that things can change very quickly and planning is a military operation.
Don't worry about people on here giving you a hard time about saying you are a full time mum as they knew you meant SAHM.

Reply and say 'I'm upset. I have helped them out loads with childcare. I can't do it this time, I am busy and have arranged alternative childcare for my own DC and since I said no have been subject to emotional blackmail from all angles. Tbh it makes me feel like never offering to help again.