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Original poster

Saying no to childcare in the holidays

895 replies

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:03

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 04/08/2024 10:43

Usercyzabc · 04/08/2024 10:30

Are you 12? Seriously what is wrong with you? It is quite apparent to anyone with an ounce of intelligence that this PP retaliated in kind to the level of offence she felt. It’s obvious the PP was making a point.

Edited
Show quote history

Her response was vile to someone that had already apologised, you're just defending vileness. Move along now.

justfinethanks · 04/08/2024 10:41

prescribingmum · 04/08/2024 10:36

It maybe worth you working out why this bothers you so much as this post is a much bigger reflection on you than it is the OP (who apologised for using the wrong term and explained she did not mean anything that resembles your interpretation of her post).

Show quote history

Nope.

Arconialiving · 04/08/2024 10:41

Rockyolive · 04/08/2024 10:19

I think I would text FIL back and say. "That's a good idea as I am also upset and quite frankly furious. Can't wait to call you and talk it through with you. Didn't think you would want to get involved but so glad that you are happy to talk to her about her entitled, rude behavior. What time should I call you?" See how quickly he is to stay involved.
Don't let any of them overide your feelings with how upset/hurt they are, and the 'families help each other out', well that works both ways and that would be the reason that you watched their children last week, or had they forgotten about the massive favour you did for them?

This is a good idea actually - find your anger & hurt at how they're bullying you.

ZekeZeke · 04/08/2024 10:40

Good for you for standing up for yourself.
You have taken the financial hit to stay at home with your children. You are not responsible for their childcare needs.
They all sound too intertwined in each others business. Your BIL is a CF to go to your DH after you already said no.
Glad your DH has your back.
If your In Laws are that bothered let them mind their grandchildren.

justfinethanks · 04/08/2024 10:40

PostMenPatWithACat · 04/08/2024 10:18

If she does this a lot, I think I'd have sucked it up for this week but would have said "I can but it means my DC ca 't attend paid for activities that are too late to cancel and I can't get a refund so can you stump up the cost of those activities and go halves on local stuff I can take them all to. For the rest of the holidays days x, y and z are free and I can help out then. Let's sit down before future holidays and work out a timetable where I can let you know when I can be available. Also, it's a big ask and non dire emergency childcare will have to be paid to cover my out of pocket expenses: ice creams, soft play, lunches and teas, etc.

I'm happy to help but I need notice so I can plan holiday time for .y own DC and safeguard a little down time of my own. Are there some days when you could have mine as part of a reciprocal arrangement.

You need to be seen to be reasonable and to take control.

What!? You can be a doormat if you want to, but don’t encourage others to be doormats too.

Usercyzabc · 04/08/2024 10:39

prescribingmum · 04/08/2024 10:36

It maybe worth you working out why this bothers you so much as this post is a much bigger reflection on you than it is the OP (who apologised for using the wrong term and explained she did not mean anything that resembles your interpretation of her post).

Show quote history

Again I feel like I have to defend this pp who correct me if I’m wrong @iamtheblcksheep was merely pointing out that this is the level of offence she felt. She’s not saying this is the bloody case. Why hound her for pointing out what others have too, that the OP say the wrong thing.

wibdib · 04/08/2024 10:37

You’ve absolutely done the right thing - for the sake of your own and the rest of your family’s sanity.

And you do agree with sil and bil - that families help each other - which is why you let them know about holiday clubs in good time for them to be able to book them, as you did.

It’s not an emergency they need help with - their failure to plan for childcare over the summer holidays when they must have known they would have needed some (especially given the way they squandered all their leave on a big holiday during term time earlier in the year) does not constitute an emergency that needs you to give up your plans and make the days both qualitatively and quantitatively worse for you and your dc.

so glad that your dc has spoken about how much better it is when things are quieter at home - you have a super strong reason to plan every day that you don’t already have plans for as a quiet chill out day - and oops end of the holidays and you don’t have any days left to even offer to help. And very glad that your dh is happy to support you by saying you already have plans!

justfinethanks · 04/08/2024 10:36

You’ve already sacrificed your career, salary and future pension. You have three children so that money would have been very useful later on. You are also taking a big risk, if your husband were to leave you. But this is your choice. And you didn’t do it to be a free childminder and mind 6 children. Then you might as well be working.

prescribingmum · 04/08/2024 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It maybe worth you working out why this bothers you so much as this post is a much bigger reflection on you than it is the OP (who apologised for using the wrong term and explained she did not mean anything that resembles your interpretation of her post).

Tagyoureit · 04/08/2024 10:35

PostMenPatWithACat · 04/08/2024 10:18

If she does this a lot, I think I'd have sucked it up for this week but would have said "I can but it means my DC ca 't attend paid for activities that are too late to cancel and I can't get a refund so can you stump up the cost of those activities and go halves on local stuff I can take them all to. For the rest of the holidays days x, y and z are free and I can help out then. Let's sit down before future holidays and work out a timetable where I can let you know when I can be available. Also, it's a big ask and non dire emergency childcare will have to be paid to cover my out of pocket expenses: ice creams, soft play, lunches and teas, etc.

I'm happy to help but I need notice so I can plan holiday time for .y own DC and safeguard a little down time of my own. Are there some days when you could have mine as part of a reciprocal arrangement.

You need to be seen to be reasonable and to take control.

Er.... no!

Isthisit2 · 04/08/2024 10:35

@MillyMollyMandHey of course they should offer, I’ve minded people’s dcs as I really believe in altruism but people should absolutely offer back . Why not offer on a weekend day? I think it’s a really nice thing to do , I’ve offered and had it taken up by family and the parents have gone for a walk or coffee or they’ve gone to an event etc.
They should offer especially as the op has had their children several times in fact. You mentioned how you would help out as it’s good that people help each other out, I agree , her sil and bil should offer the op and her dh to have their children at a time that suits them to reciprocate the help they’ve received. Takes nothing to offer !

UnRavellingFast · 04/08/2024 10:34

Coka · 04/08/2024 10:28

Good excuse to now tell them both due to the pressure they have put on you and family friction this has caused just because you dared have plans you will no longer be helping out under any circumstances so no need to ask again.

OP copy and paste this reply, it’s perfect.

2sisters · 04/08/2024 10:34

@Aprilmaymum You need to stay firm. If you give in and have the children now SIL will have a tantrum, involve the world and it's sister and escalate every time she doesn't get her own way. After this fiasco I wouldn't have the kids ever.

HauntedbyMagpies · 04/08/2024 10:34

@Teateaandmoretea I literally just said in that very post you're replying to, that she should NOT feel obligated! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ My God the reading comprehension on MN sometimes is appalling

UnRavellingFast · 04/08/2024 10:32

What a hideous pair of cheeky fuckers. If your in-laws want to ruin their relationship with you then they are going the right way about it. Stand firm.

mirrensidhe · 04/08/2024 10:32

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 03/08/2024 22:23

Yanbu to say no to childcare but you are being vvvv unreasonable to use thr phrase "full time mum" which is sickeningly insulting. All mums are "full time" - most especially when we are working to put food on our DC's table and a roof over their heads. You having the privilege of a partner whose income means you don't have to work is veru nice but that makes you a Stay At Home Parent. You don't spend a single extra minute "being a mum" than a woman who works.

But of course you don't have to give anyone free childcare and it's fine to say no.

Personally I'd much rather make arrangements with other working mums so that I can offer to reciprocate the favour in a different week.

Can you stick to the point of the thread, a whole ranting paragraph about terminology is unnecessary.

HauntedbyMagpies · 04/08/2024 10:32

@2sisters DIL stands for Daughter in Law.

Also, the D prefix on other things like DH stands for Darling not Dear

Usercyzabc · 04/08/2024 10:30

Tagyoureit · 04/08/2024 10:23

It's why she's the black sheep! 🤣

Show quote history

Are you 12? Seriously what is wrong with you? It is quite apparent to anyone with an ounce of intelligence that this PP retaliated in kind to the level of offence she felt. It’s obvious the PP was making a point.

Coka · 04/08/2024 10:28

Good excuse to now tell them both due to the pressure they have put on you and family friction this has caused just because you dared have plans you will no longer be helping out under any circumstances so no need to ask again.

Beeboopaboo · 04/08/2024 10:27

I see a lot of responses have gone off topic.

I wouldn’t keep the peace here. I’d go ballistic. How dare she presume to use you for free childcare and commandeer your time? Absolutely out of order. Be furious. She owes you an apology, not the other way round.

I see some involvement of grandparents. Tell them to step up with the free childcare.

Expecting you to look after 6 kids for numerous days is ridiculous. At this rate you’d need to register as a childminder!

HauntedbyMagpies · 04/08/2024 10:27

@Aprilmaymum DIL stands for Daughter in Law.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/08/2024 10:26

If she does this a lot, I think I'd have sucked it up for this week

But she ‘sucked it up’ and did it last week!

OriginalUsername2 · 04/08/2024 10:24

Rockyolive · 04/08/2024 10:19

I think I would text FIL back and say. "That's a good idea as I am also upset and quite frankly furious. Can't wait to call you and talk it through with you. Didn't think you would want to get involved but so glad that you are happy to talk to her about her entitled, rude behavior. What time should I call you?" See how quickly he is to stay involved.
Don't let any of them overide your feelings with how upset/hurt they are, and the 'families help each other out', well that works both ways and that would be the reason that you watched their children last week, or had they forgotten about the massive favour you did for them?

That’s a funny idea actually. It sounds like this woman is the golden child. Be the woman that’s even more upset and they won’t know what to do with it.

Wasntmeanttobelikethis · 04/08/2024 10:24

Keep saying no; if you give in this time, she’ll keep asking
This is your time, and you’re not obliged to help anyone
She should have childcare organised, and she obviously sees you as a ‘soft touch’
Well done for putting you and your family first

Tagyoureit · 04/08/2024 10:23

herecomesthesunyes · 04/08/2024 09:26

ONG @iamtheblcksheep what is wrong with you? That’s awful. You have issues.

It's why she's the black sheep! 🤣