Saying no to childcare in the holidays

That's understandable however that DOES work both ways and you're clearly seen as the free childcare as you do nothing else option - so stand strong

Good for you.

I'd love to hear how they respond. Clearly SIL has zero respect for you. I'd never, ever give her or BIL the slightest assistance again.

Well done OP. Hopefully she takes no for an answer now.

But the op gave up her work and didn’t take the fulltime job becuase of these factors about the childcare she wasn’t happy with, sil could do the same

This enrages me. She is going at you through BIL, through your husband and now through your FIL!

She sounds vile. Please don't relent.

You gave up a good JOB to be in charge of your own life, not to be on call for in-laws. Don't reward her by caving in to keep the peace; SHE is the one disturbing the peace.

Remind FIL that the AL and funds they used for their April term time holiday could have covered their summer childcare needs nicely.

(Where the hell did they go for a month?!)

The point is that your DSIL's kids wouldn't be with the children, so there would have been tears anyway.

"I booked camps this week a long time ago so that I could have some admin time to get jobs done, so the kids won't be around to play with their cousins anyway and I have things to do that I can't rearrange. I'm sorry that you feel so disappointed, but I am sure that you can understand that it isn't really fair on anyone to assume you can drop the kids off for full working days without checking in advance. I'd love to organise a playdate with all the cousins with you for another time - when are you available?"

yes good idea, reply and say that’s a shame but as your children are at clubs they won’t see them anyway but you’ve nothing on Saturday so happy for your kids to go round to theirs then for the day so that her kids have something to look forward to

Manipulative cow! How dare she tell her DC about that to emotionally blackmail you!

A more accurate thing to tell her DC would be "Mummy and Daddy are too lazy and cheap to arrange holiday clubs and childcare for you, even though we've known when school holidays are for a year. We don't care enough about it to take responsibility for you and your brothers, and Aunty April is busy."

How bloody dare she! That would be it for me as far as cooperation goes, OP. It's deliberately hurting her own children in a bid to bully you into free childcare.

Your sil is a grade A CF!

Why did she tell them they were coming without checking with you first, their cousins aren’t going to be there anyway as they are at clubs. It’s all on her, she’s emotionally blackmailing, if you want to be kind you would offer to have them an afternoon in a few weeks time that suits you but don’t feel like the bad guy

Good one.

I still can't absorb that they blew all their money and AL on a one-month trip to the US in terms of time. What on earth was the reason for that?!

I sort my childcare before the holidays and take annual leave where needed. Say no and don't give in as she will just continue to use you so she doesn't need to pay out on childcare or use her annual leave! Your husband should also be standing his ground with his brother and saying no. The odd day here and there is fine, but every week and for 3 days no way!!!

OP did help. She helped out 2 or 3 days last week. This is not an emergency situation where normal arrangements fell through, this is her BIL and SIL who have not bothered to make any arrangements for childcare. And there is no reciprocal arrangement - SIL and BIL don't look after OP's dc. OP is prioritising her own dc's expressed need for more quiet time that is not spent with cousins.

Actually this is better than mine.

Your SIL's manipulative behaviour in this would make me angry. You didn't have a prior agreement you backed out of she just didn't bother to ask you. She shouldn't have said anything to her children. Her making out it's all your fault is unfair and I would tell her that if that's her attitude and she takes no responsibility for sorting out long term childcare for her own children then I don't want to do her any more favours especially as it's never reciprocated

I’m overinvested in this thread but that ‘at least’ is bugging me. Can you ‘at least’, as a bare minimum, to make up for the crime of not being on call for all their CF childcare needs - it’s so rude.

I’ve been the working outside the home mum needing childcare and the mum who isn’t allowed to describe herself in any way that might upset some other mother online, I’ve received and given help and always shown/been shown appreciation. Valued for the work of caring for children. This is the opposite of that. I really hope you’re staying strong, OP.

Pure raging for you OP. Do not back down.

"Ah that's a shame the kids are upset, you shouldn't have told them before checking but sure hindsight is 20/20. Shall we all meet up on Saturday so the kids can see each other?

Like I said, I can't do any childcare this week, I have my own booked into camp so I can get some stuff done. I think you'll need to take me off your list anyway, it's too hard having all six together on my own. Not fair on the kids and definitely beyond my own capabilities - not what I had in mind when I gave up work haha."

Then finish out with some bullshit about hoping X enjoyed gymnastics or whatever.

Keep it friendly but firm and no one can criticise you.

I'd message back and say something like:

'I don't want to fall out over this. I've given you my answer. We can arrange another time to come over and visit if the cousins want to see each other'.

Leave it at that and mute her for a week or so.

You’re right to say no ! My dc used to always go to the same holiday clubs as SS and SD this year as i no longer work they aren’t there as soon as DP ex found out about this she wanted us to have them as well !!! I said no the arrangement is as always DP pays half of all childcare - the clubs will be fine for her dc.

YANBU Definitely not. If she needs childcare she needs to sort it not just decide you are the free solution.
And to the poster who said people who stay at home with their kids are not "full time mums" because people who work are not "part time mums" - dont kid yourself. Ive recently taken on a fulltime job having previously been a fulltime stay at home mum. Theres no way Im the mother I was when I was at home fulltime. I just havent got the time any more to do the sorts of things I used to have time to do and totally feel like my mothering is now only a part time thing.

Do NOT give in to that blatant emotional blackmail, OP!

I'd be tempted to message and say 'Again, we have PLANS. I am not cancelling them to provide childcare for you. That's not fair on my kids. I am perfectly entitled to make plans with my children over the holidays. You shouldn't have told the kids they were coming here when it hadn't been confirmed. Please don't rely on me for weekly childcare over the summer break.'

She needs to understand that this is you putting your foot down once and for all. If you agree to have them for one day, you'll be going through this bullshit argument again in a few weeks.

Tell her that if they're so upset not to see their cousins, you'll drop your three round at hers at the weekend while you run some errands.

Has DSIL ever offered any money for all this free childcare?

If the cousins are upset they wont see your dc then the ideal solution is that yours go to her house to see them ……..

@@Aprilmaymum - they're not going to be with their cousins as you're taking them to days out
You're not the bad aunty as she shouldn't have told them you were looking after them - tell her you'll gladly dump your kids on her on her next day off and she can entertain the masses