To not want children

Good to talk about the positive experiences u have had but that doesn't take away the massive change and impact on your life and relationship that having children has.
I believe OP doesn't want children and that is fine

Unfortunately you are not compatible. There is no way to compromise on this issue and it is not something that a loving person should ask another to do.
It’s a great shame you didn’t think this through more carefully before you got married, but if he was asking I’d be advising him to divorce ASAP and look for a woman that wants to build a family with him.

I was going to jump in with counter arguments (for example, you could have an elective c section if you are worried about child birth) but then realised you don’t sound as if you want one. It’s a big commitment and not for everyone so don’t have one just to go along with your DH, if you don’t want one don’t have one - wouldn’t be fair.

Not fair to call this man thick?
What would make you say that?

Spot on!

Genuinely how does he sound thick.

The ops feelings are perfectly valid and I respect her for exploring her feelings instead of rushing into a lifelong decision headfirst.
However I don't think her dh has in any way done anything wrong here. He is allowed to want kids.

If he really wanted them and felt like he'd be profoundly missing out on some crucial part of life by not having them, you'd have thought he'd find a more articulate way of expressing it than 'I just want them'. Surely it would be on your mind so much each day, you'd be lighting up with the excitement of 'I really want to teach future child to do xyz' rather than an 'I dunno, but everyone else is doing it' type response.

Don't breed with this man. He sounds thick.

Yeah almost all men "want to be a dad someday". A lot of them do very little and are shit at what they do do of it. Disney dads.

Keep your body and your good salary and find someone you can have a great life with. Do not swap your interesting life for drudgery you clearly don't want.

Yes your reasons are valid, it is not an easy decision, I would just like you to give some consideration the long term benifits though.
I have two sons who are older teenagers now and it has been lovely seeing them grow.
There are lots of people you meet through having children and the layers that they add to your life going forwards into the future that are pretty irreplaceable.
it gives you something to fight for I can't explain it and it matures you, just don't write off being a mother because of early years stuff.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your husband saying that he "just wants one". The want for a child can be profound and ineffable. The closest analogy to someone who has never experienced this, it's like when you have a really intense, teenage crush. You think about the object of your desire all the time, you dream of them and are excited to be with them. It's not necessarily logical, it's hormonal and emotional and you do just WANT them.

It's a shame for you both that you are at odds with each other in terms of what you want. But I would echo other posters and say you need to split, in order to stop resentment either way. Don't try and belittle his feelings though, or argue that he doesn't have a "good reason" for wanting them. He doesn't need one, any more than you need one for not wanting them.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting children. More and more women are making that decision than ever, for a number of reasons. I think it's incredibly selfish to have them if you're not sure - and it sounds to me as though you would resent them for taking your old life away from you. I would be exactly the same, so no judgement here.

But the problem lies with your DH, in that, if he's absolutely certain he does want children, he will need to decide whether your decision is a deal breaker. And, if he decides it is, that's absolutely his choice, and you'll have to face potentially losing him from your life.

If only we could all try before you buy when it comes to parenthood. Unfortunately this is kind of a deal breaker for your marriage. If he desperately wants them enough and you don't then you can't really string the guy along.

By the way you can have kids with a small frame. I'm only 5'4 and managed to get out a 10lb baby without dying. You can also get your fitness back, I'm actually fitter and stronger now with a 5&3 year old than I was pre kids.

I have a friend who has just ended a relationship because she doesn't want children but he does.

She says she'd happily do the "father" role, but she doesn't want to do the "mother" role. Unfortunately it's become apparent to her that he wants this too, and his vision of children involves kissing them goodnight and taking them to football at the weekend, rather than sleepless nights, career damage and compromise.

You're awfully logical about all this, are you on hormonal contraception? I just got broody one day and against better judgement had a baby! I couldn't fight the urge with sensible reasoning.

That being said, it is your life that will be turned upside down irrevocably, not his, so you need to want a baby because unless you do things very unconventionally and have a stay at home dad, it'll all be down to you.

I also work with a woman who came back from maternity leave after 3 months. So it is possible if you have a will and means.

If you decide you might want to have a child maybe suggest that he takes shared parental leave and takes on the responsibility for arranging childcare. Make it clear that he will be doing the bulk of the childcare and he might change his mind. Find the crankiest baby around to babysit for a few times. Only if you think you might want a child too.

Your reasons are all totally valid.

Equally you don't need to have reasons - just not having that desperate biological urge to have them is enough. You don't need to justify not wanting them, you don't, and that's fine. In fact it's very very good to be clear about what you want.

Having kids is only the right decision if you are 100% sure as it turns your whole life upside down and you can't go back.

You obviously don't.

He does, even if you think his reasons pro aren't a match for yours con. ("I'm an intelligent and rational human being. He's a monkey under sibling pressure.")

Tell him that you're not going to change your mind so that he can make an informed decision about staying with you.

I don't think the criticism of OP's response to her husband's attitude is fair.

It IS different for men. They don't have to carry a child, they don't have to give birth to it (either vaginally or via major surgery), they won't have the lasting effects on their bodies, they won't be automatically assumed to be the main parent, they won't carry society's expectations of motherhood. They've never had to consider this for themselves and many don't consider what it's like for women.

For men it is easier and many do just like the idea of carrying on their genetic legacy and having all the "fun" bits while someone else does all the heavy lifting and carries the mental load.

Many people - men and women - assume that having children is "just what you do" or a "natural progression". It's just even easier for men.

Just to add I am a mother and I absolutely wanted a baby. Yet it was gruelling at times. Dh did not pull his weight. He struggled. He really wanted a baby but found it extremely hard.
Some babies are easy but there is no guarantee. They all shit, piss, scream and vomit just in varying degrees!

You’ve given this some good thought and especially with any support being so far away you’re wise to have concerns. I don’t think deep down (well, actually not so deep) you don’t really want kids and that is perfectly fine. I agree there is something about men saying they want kids but not really being prepared to go all in; just looking for that status of being someone’s father especially after being married for x amount of time.

I agree with PPs. Your feelings are perfectly valid, and if you don't want them for any one of those logical reasons, or for no reason at all, no one can say that's wrong.

I felt very much the same as you for a long time, for many of the same reasons. DH was also very keen on the idea of having kids and I was very reluctant and pointing out all the same sort of practical issues.

At 36 curiosity got the better of me and I changed my mind. I decided my comfortable life and career weren't 'enough' anymore, and my strongly held arguments against the idea suddenly no longer seemed that big a deal. I'm not suggesting you will do or feel the same, but for me it wasn't a totally logical decision. Either way, you just want what you want, and it's fine.

Your reasons are similar to me. I have two and I love them and don't regret at all. But I didn't feel complete until I had them. I nearly stopped at one though.

And also remember divorce isn't massively uncommon, so never have children to keep someone else happy.

And if I was a bloke I'd happily have loads of kids. Yet they are the ones that moan about it!🤷🏻‍♀️