To not want children

She has said they did discuss it.

Nothing OP has said indicates that she did think it through in the first place.

If you don't want to have a child/children, that's enough of a reason right there. This is a situation where both people need to be in agreement or it doesn't happen.

This could be a big challenge for your marriage, so you might find it helpful to talk it through either on here or with an independent person in real life. For example, are there any circumstances in which you would reach a different decision - what would need to change for you and how realistic is that? That way, you can go into any discussion with your husband secure in your own position.

There’s nothing on the list of objections that wouldn’t have been apparent to an adult of 28.

The time to consider the reality of DC is before you make a lifelong commitment to a partner who wants a family.

This. No-one should enter into a marriage, or serious long-term relationshiip, without discussing it. I was certain I didn't want children, and knew I wouldn't change my mind.

I went into marriage absolutely certain I wanted to have children. I’d wanted to be a mum since the age of 5. More than 30 years later I’ve done a complete u-turn on that and now don’t want children. Luckily in my case my DH has also changed his mind. We re-evaluated and decided we’re happy as we are.

Neither of us went into the marriage with the idea of stringing the other along and we definitely had lengthy discussions about children before hand. Changing your mind doesn’t mean you didn’t think it through in the first place.

He prides himself on his childlike-ness whereas I'm definitely more reserved and tend to take the responsibility to run the house, do the shopping, book the holidays, make appointments, send gifts to the family etc.

Why do you do this?

How is your husband proposing parenthood will work, will he gladly take up to a yr of parental leave? Will he be first point of call with the school, will he sort out childminding, babysitting and Dr's appts?

Nobody has to have children! You can do whatever you want with your life. It’s your choice, and you don’t even have to have rational or “good” reasons - whatever you feel is a valid feeling.

BUT some of your reasons are a bit sad/concerning.

You can have children and keep your fitness. Yes it will make a change for a while, but your body won’t be the same forever anyway and having kids is also an amazing thing it can do. If the anxiety is purely or centrally about looks, that’s a problematic way of thinking to address whether you have kids or not.

You can enjoy and prioritise your job (I do, I worked hard to get it and like you am the higher earner!) but it will never love you back and nobody wishes they’d worked more on their deathbed.

Hypothetical regrets are a terrible way of making decisions. You could regret any decision you do or don’t make.

Anxieties about control around childcare suggest you’d benefit from some addressing your worrying and the need for control whether or not you have kids.

While “liking your life as it is” is a totally valid reason to avoid major changes, changes will happen whether you like them or not and liking your life this was doesn’t mean you’d not like other things.

If you don’t want to, just don’t. These things don’t need to be rationalised. There’s no right or wrong decision.

No, but they had the conversation, so he's gone into the marriage thinking she's fully on board with having children only for it to turn out she hadn't thought it through.

Please don’t try for a baby to appease your husband. It’s fine not to want kids, but nothing will doom your marriage quicker if you are not both on the same page.

Nothing OP has said indicates that she deliberately deceived her DH.

People can change their minds over a period of 4+ years. Even people who are absolutely certain they wanted DC. It’s patronising to say it’s a shame she didn’t think it through more carefully when she has already stated they discussed it. Sometimes the realities of bringing DC into the world don’t fully hit you until it’s actually time to do it.

and yes, we did discuss this before we married, owing in large part to the fact that we are not idiots. I also assumed we’d have children because it’s what you do

It feels like you've led him up the garden path a bit here.

The only good reason to try for a baby is because you really want to love, nurture and care for one right through to adulthood, are reasonably set up to do so and have faith in yourself and determination that you will do your best to cope with whatever comes your way.
It’s no joke going through pregnancy, birth and trying to parent with pre existent mh problems like anxiety. If you actually want to try for a baby, I’d book an appointment with your GP to discuss this with them first.

There's being broody and being realistic about whether you are willing and can offer another human everything they need to become a rounded functioning adult. I feel like the argument is more nuanced. I've been broody in the sense that babies are cute and I'm curious about what my own potential future offspring could look and be like. I've always been open to discussing the possibility to having children if it was ever a dealbreaker to my partner and they were prepared to care for our child 50/50. I'm happy with my current long term partner and the having kids conversation went along the lines of yes he wants kids and we should do it, but basically would want me to quit work to be a SAHM as he wouldn't want to put them in daycare. That's not something I would want do and he ended the discussion with 'well men are largely indifferent to having children anyway'. He's free to leave any time he wants if having kids ever becomes a dealbreaker for him and I would wish him well.

If OP's husband is absolutely set on having children and the OP isn't then obviously they should break up. I'm not seeing any mention of him saying he wants to break up over not having kids? I do think it would be foolish of OP not to further explore how serious he is about the reality of having them v what he feels he 'should' be doing rather than just going ahead and doing it. Imo bringing another life into the world isn't a decision to take lightly and just on the basis of a biological urge.

Just don't have one, it's perfectly normal. Most only do because they think they should.

We see this all the time here with the roles reversed.

If he wants kids, he wants them. It's not logical, and not something that can be justified.

If you don't want kids, you don't want them.

However, if you have differing feelings on this, you may not be compatible. You need to have a frank discussion with him about this. He doesn't have the same biological deadline that a woman has, but you still shouldn't stuff him around.

So many men say they want kids but are missing in action when the baby actually arrives. It's incredibly common and you won't know whether your DH will be like this until the baby arrives and it's "no returns". Unless you yourself want kids enough that you're prepared to do it on your own, it's not a risk worth taking.

And often resentment at this sort of behaviour ends relationships anyway. So if you'd consider having a baby simply to preserve your relationship with your DH, you may find that actually you can't stand the sight of him a year into it and you're on these boards asking for advice to get rid of him.

I absolutely adore my DD and usually on these threads I say "have children!!! It's great" but something about your writing made me pause.

I think it was "I throw myself into everything I do" I'm the same, Type A, and the hardest thing I've found about having a child is not being as amazing at my high profile job as childless colleagues because I leave earlier to prioritise time with DC.

I also HATE DC being in childcare because I similarly want to throw everything into being a mum.

There's no perfect answer, but that is something to consider. You can't do both full time - there literally isn't the hours, so if you're type A you can end up feeling like a failure

PS - for me tho, the positives still vastly outweigh the negatives

The fact is having children will impact on you far more than it will him- your body, health, mental health, career. Of course you shouldn't do it unless you really want to.

There so much more stress, tiredness and compromise when you have kids . You ideally want to be financially stable and to be with a man who will rise to the challenges and support you.

You need to tell him how you feel about this

Hi OP, I’m very happily childfree by choice, with zero regrets. For all the reasons you state in your post, and then some. I could have written most of what you wrote, and what jumps out at me is that you talk only about what you stand to lose by becoming a parent. You don’t even mention any possible upsides. That is a pretty clear indication that you don’t want to have children. And that’s fine. Being a parent isn’t for everyone. It isn’t ‘just what you do’. And the childfree life has an enormous amount to recommend it.

It sounds like you really don't want them.

This isn't something you can compromise on, really. You can't have 0.5 children or have 1 and return it to the shop if you change your mind.

Your dh needs to understand that if you really don't want them then the choice is to separate or he needs to 100% respect your choice, and by that I mean he doesn't resent you for it in the future.

Have you ever experienced being really broody? Sometimes it's just a feeling. You can list things that would be nice about it, but that's not WHY you want children.

In any case, it doesn't sound like any reason he gives, will change OPs mind.

This is so dismissive of childfree people. You speak from your own experience - have to considered that the fact you feel it's matured you is merely because you've aged 15 years?! I have a friend my age who has two kids, first when we were late 20s. She seems to think I'm still living the lifestyle we were in our 20s, when I've grown up too.

I am married and childfree, and we're 90% sure we'll stay that way. However, if you discussed it before you got married and you're the one who's changed your mind/moved the goalpost then, while that is your right, it's on you to resolve. And that might mean separating as you're no longer compatible.

I could write pros and cons lists all year long, but ultimately I just don't really want them. I can only assume it's the same (but opposite) for people who do - its just a feeling. So I think you're being unfair to your husband to dismiss what he wants from his life. But you're not being unfair to have a really thorough discussion about what you'd expect from him if you had kids, and that he'd be doing 50% of the care.