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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’ve never been so hated! AIBU?

62 replies

PeachyPotatoes · 03/08/2024 20:00

My husband and I have been going through a very difficult time over the last 3 years. We recently had a very bad patch - we both made mistakes, and decided to separate. We have since worked through this and are giving things another go. We have two young children, so it’s been a particularly stressful time ensuring their needs and happiness are prioritised.

My MIL, who has never liked me, has jumped at the chance to tell my husband what a disease of a woman I am - making up lies that I’m a shoplifting, drug addled, alcoholic (amongst many other ridiculous
lies). I’ve offered to speak with her to clear the air, but she’s having none of it.

In the midst of all this, I let a friend down - I apologised, explaining our rubbish circumstances and offering to help in any other way I could; I was unfortunately hospitalised a week later, missing the birthday party of my friend’s child.

Since then, I’ve had no contact with my friend; We bumped into them today and they couldn’t have avoided me more. It was really awful.

My SIL has also sent me obscene, threatening messages - I’m being pressured by my family to repair this.

I want to focus on my family and my marriage. But I feel so hated. It’s very difficult to focus on fixing things with my husband when I’m being threatened, my friends have all but disappeared, and my MIL is listing all the reasons my husband should leave me at every opportunity.

AIBU to have expected support from my friends and family instead of being ostracised and demonised? I feel completely battered.

OP posts:
NewtonsCradle · 04/08/2024 16:48

Op you have my support. I think you need to massively lower your expectations or leave. Stop thinking of everyone around you as people capable of empathy, rational nuanced thinking and mature behaviour. Imagine you are in Mean Girls. In nature if part of a herd or pack of animals is injured or "weak" the other animals attack it. If you go back to being reliable, smiley and friendly they'll come round again. If you try and get your husband to remind his herd that they behave badly the herd will continue to attack you. Life is long and you'll have plenty of time to not support them in the future.

IBegYourBiggestPardon · 04/08/2024 16:41

Sorry I meant to vote YANBU, but I voted YABU by mistake

mumedu · 04/08/2024 16:30

It sounds like you need to reflect on your choices and why this is happening.

GalileoHumpkins · 04/08/2024 16:24

I had numerous health issues, including meningitis, multiple miscarriages, sepsis and TB, all within a year - I was eventually diagnosed with coeliac disease which was the root cause of my health issues. Throughout this, my husband was unsupportive and just not really there for me

This isn't the behaviour of someone who loves you. He let you suffer alone to the point you didn't want to be with him, imo this isn't the sort of thing that ever changes. It's fundamentally who he is, he's shown you that loud and clear and you need to listen.

Silviasilvertoes · 04/08/2024 16:20

"a disease of a woman" I'm sorry but that made me laugh, if MIL had thought of that she would have applied it to me. Sorry you're going through this, OP. Hugs and Flowers

Poshjock · 04/08/2024 16:11

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2024 15:58

If your husband loves you, why did he let you down so badly when you were ill?

This really can 't be emphasised enough.

You don't sound like you have a bankable future with a man who has let you down so badly in the past. I wonder if the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree with him. Love alone isn't enough to hold a marriage together. You need to think really hard about the people in your life.

IceCream889 · 04/08/2024 16:03

Your DH and his family are awful. Your choice to stay but I don't understand it. People don't change, so you're a fool to think anything will get better.

As to your friend, all you can do is apologise. Personally, I lost a lot of friends in my divorce (even though I hadn't even done anything wrong). It happens. People don't care about your relationship issues, they don't want awkward conversations, have their own shit going on, so they'll distance themselves.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 04/08/2024 16:01

PeachyPotatoes · 04/08/2024 15:34

My husband has committed to make changes - I admit, it would be easier to walk away right now, but we love each other. And we both want our marriage to be a happy one.

Show quote history

If he loves you, why did he treat you so badly for so many years? And neglect you while you were unwell?

I think you need therapy. And a divorce.

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 16:00

MonsteraMama · 04/08/2024 15:55

No she didn't, they were separated not "on a break". They're not teenagers.

And to be honest the way he treated her, I'd still say he's the one who should be grovelling, not her.

Show quote history

Either way she still needs her own relationships with the in laws and that means talking it out.

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2024 15:58

If your husband loves you, why did he let you down so badly when you were ill?

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2024 15:57

sunsetsandboardwalks · 04/08/2024 15:24

Why on earth do you want to stay in such an awful marriage with awful in-laws?

^This^

If he were my husband he'd have to do a massive change for me to want him back

I'm not sure much of the blame lies with you tbh

And I think your friend is being a tad selfish here too

Cherrysoup · 04/08/2024 15:57

Blimey, your husband’s family sound like horrors! I’d work on getting him to sort them out as a priority. You’re the only one who can sort out the issue with your dp friend. If she’s a good mate, she’ll get over it if you’re open and honest with her.

MonsteraMama · 04/08/2024 15:55

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 15:53

She had an affaire, even if they were on a break. She treated their son and brother badly so of course they harbour some ill feeling towards her. This is why I said she needs to explain as it is a relatable story - because of the neglect etc.

Show quote history

No she didn't, they were separated not "on a break". They're not teenagers.

And to be honest the way he treated her, I'd still say he's the one who should be grovelling, not her.

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 15:53

MonsteraMama · 04/08/2024 15:48

Can you explain why you think the OP messed up? She's done absolutely nothing to her MIL and SIL and as far as I can see her only crime against her husband was being fed up of his neglectful, unsupportive ways and separating from him, after which she had a fling. So what's she done to deserve the way she's been treated or be responsible for repairing relationships she didn't damage?

Show quote history

She had an affaire, even if they were on a break. She treated their son and brother badly so of course they harbour some ill feeling towards her. This is why I said she needs to explain as it is a relatable story - because of the neglect etc.

MonsteraMama · 04/08/2024 15:48

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 08:20

I’m going to go against the grain and say you need to work on fixing the relationships with your in laws. You messed up and need to own it. It’s a relatable story so they will probably come around and have more respect for you for addressing it. I don’t think asking DH to keep you and his family separate is fair on him or going to make your reconciliation any easier.

Can you explain why you think the OP messed up? She's done absolutely nothing to her MIL and SIL and as far as I can see her only crime against her husband was being fed up of his neglectful, unsupportive ways and separating from him, after which she had a fling. So what's she done to deserve the way she's been treated or be responsible for repairing relationships she didn't damage?

BelleoftheBall5 · 04/08/2024 15:42

You can’t do anything about this. You need to stop caring about these people.Your friend is selfish. She is not a sincere friend.

Your husband’s family sound absolutely awful and you need to ignore them. Rid your mind and your life of these people. Nothing is going to change their minds about you and it isn't what's important. Direct all of your attention to your marriage and your family and people who do genuinely care about you.

Original poster
PeachyPotatoes · 04/08/2024 15:34

sunsetsandboardwalks · 04/08/2024 15:24

Why on earth do you want to stay in such an awful marriage with awful in-laws?

My husband has committed to make changes - I admit, it would be easier to walk away right now, but we love each other. And we both want our marriage to be a happy one.

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 04/08/2024 15:24

Why on earth do you want to stay in such an awful marriage with awful in-laws?

Original poster
PeachyPotatoes · 04/08/2024 15:23

MovingToLondonSoon · 04/08/2024 10:37

Yes but why is your mother in law branding you as a shop lifting, drug addled alcoholic?

Show quote history

And for the record, just in case I didn’t already make myself clear, I am none of these things.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachyPotatoes · 04/08/2024 15:21

MovingToLondonSoon · 04/08/2024 10:37

Yes but why is your mother in law branding you as a shop lifting, drug addled alcoholic?

Show quote history

I’ve already explained that she has made up these lies. I can’t begin to fathom her reasoning.

OP posts:
MovingToLondonSoon · 04/08/2024 10:37

PeachyPotatoes · 03/08/2024 21:29

Thanks for the replies.

My husband has told MIL to stop - time will tell.

In terms of mistakes that were made - I felt completely isolated and neglected for years by my husband. Having given up my career to raise our children, and him having a job in which he works away for extended periods, it was very lonely. I have no support network close by. I had numerous health issues, including meningitis, multiple miscarriages, sepsis and TB, all within a year - I was eventually diagnosed with coeliac disease which was the root cause of my health issues. Throughout this, my husband was unsupportive and just not really there for me. I addressed this with him many times but nothing changed. I eventually told him I wanted to separate, and then foolishly was flattered by someone else. I had a brief fling with said person, before reconciling with my husband. I have thus been branded an adulterer (even though we were not together at the time - I do appreciate the rubbish timing of it though). That’s the whole of it. My husband has forgiven me. As MIL has never been a fan of mine, it seems she now feels vindicated in her hatred and has made up several ludicrous claims, none of which are true.

In regards to my friend, I don’t want to put too much information on here. They’ve been such a good friend to me and asked me for a small favour (before the child’s party), which I committed to. This unfortunately happened to be the day everything blew up with my husband and I and I totally forgot about my promise to help my friend. I immediately apologised, but I know I left them in a difficult situation and I feel very bad about it.

I’m not sure where to go from here. How to repair a marriage when everyone else seems to keen on tearing it down?

Yes but why is your mother in law branding you as a shop lifting, drug addled alcoholic?

kittybiscuits · 04/08/2024 08:47

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 08:20

I’m going to go against the grain and say you need to work on fixing the relationships with your in laws. You messed up and need to own it. It’s a relatable story so they will probably come around and have more respect for you for addressing it. I don’t think asking DH to keep you and his family separate is fair on him or going to make your reconciliation any easier.

Just do the opposite of this OP and you'll be fine.

Are you sure your husband is committed to making lasting changes? He sounds awful

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 04/08/2024 08:41

So you let your 'very good friend down' then went into hospital for a week and no one let her know?

From her point of view you she has been a good friend and you let her down, didn't even remember you promised so didn't even give her an hours notice. Apologised then gave your reasons. You then didn't turn up to the party, then later got in contact and said you were in hospital.

I don't think your friend hates you. I think they just don't want to maintain the friendship. Which is her choice.

If your MIL is making up completely lies (are they lies or is there some truth behind them) you can't fix it. Either she knows she is lying and won't back down or she truly believes those things and you won't convince her otherwise. But they will always take his side.

And remember, they probably really only have details from his point of view. And sitting them down to explain yours probably ky won't make it any better and are dragging them further into your relationship problems.

BonifaceBonanza · 04/08/2024 08:36

@PeachyPotatoes if anything try to clear your head and invest your time and energy repairing your friendship. With everything going on you may have come across as more thoughtless or flakey than you realise, so if you value the friendship you can try again to fix things.

As for in laws you need to stop thinking and worrying about them, have you blocked them? If not you need to do that.

AlsaceLorraine · 04/08/2024 08:29

This is three individuals, OP, two of them your husband’s family, one a friend you let down. Assuming you’ve apologised sincerely to your friend I wouldn’t think twice about the others. ILs are only in your life because of who you marry. It doesn’t always gel. Concentrate on repairing your marriage or ending it amicably.