I’ve never been so hated! AIBU?

With regards to him taking the children

My ex husband was warned that if his mother continued to run her nasty mouth around our children (basically accusing me of everything from the death of christ to the present day) that they would make a reccomendation to the court that he not be allowed to have his children anywhere near her as it was emotional abuse parental alienation and emotional neglect on his part

Your husband agreed MIL wouldn’t be seeing your children while she continues this vendetta against and then went back on that. Is that right?

If so he’s badly lacking in integrity. Why the change of mind about your children spending time with he? Did he explain that?

Or had he lied to shut you up knowing full well he wasn’t going to keep your children away from her?

That wouldn’t solely be in support of you, he shouldn’t want his children to listen to her nasty lies.

your situation resonated with something I went through about 10 years ago, my whole world sort of seemed to collapse under me at once, and it felt like everyone hated me

all I can advise is ride the storm, this will pass, and tall ships weren’t built to stay in harbour xx

It's not an affair if they were separated at the time.
Screw anyone trying to stick their nose into your marriage.
Your husband was and probably still is a selfish pig.

You were left with no support during a really rough period of health. In a marriage you work around everything else to make them a priority when they're ill and you didn't get that from your husband.
Did your husband see anyone while you were separated? I don't say this lightly but frankly I don't blame you for having your head turned going on how distant and unsupportive he has been.
How were you and MiL before all this happened, were you previously on good terms or did you always have a rocky relationship?
As for your friend, explain to her what happened and why you couldn't make it to the party. If she's a true friend she will understand. If not, don't waste time and energy on someone who doesn't care for you.

Who cares about the in-laws, it's natural they are siding against you, but it's not your problem
Forget about MIL and SIL, they don't matter. They might get over it, they might not, totally unimportant.

Try to approach your friend

and the one you really need to work on is your husband. All said and done, you had an affair, it's a lot to take on and then move on.

If her HUSBAND is fine with her.,... then yes.
What did OP do to the MiL?

So people can treat your family badly and you don’t have any feelings about that? OK. We’ll have to agree to disagree.

She owes the i laws nothing, and doesn't answer to them
If her husband is fine,.,, so should they be.,

So, you had an affair? If your in laws knew about it, then they will react. Thats normal.🤷‍♀️

Ok. I am fascinated to know how this conversation went. Presumably your husband has said to you 'my mum has told me that you've been taking drugs, shoplifting and that you have a serious drink problem.'

And how did your husband react to her? How did you react to him telling you all this? You may not be able to fathom her reasoning, but surely your husband demanded that she should justify or explain her comments? What kind of a person makes up such serious and outlandish accusations and more importantly, what kind of a person hears that about themselves and doesn't immediately want to get to the bottom of it? It's very odd.

You say you've offered to speak with her to clear the air and she's 'having none of it'. Well sod that. If this were my MIL making such serious accusations about me, based on goodness only knows what, I'd not be 'offering' to clear the air, I'd be banging her door down and demanding to clear it.

You've been through a lot.

I think you need to definitely decide whether you want to continue in the marriage, I know you said you are both working on it and love each other etc but you both need to set boundaries, sensible ones that you both can work with.

Remember if you separated the children will spend time with her. It's not OK she bad mouths you in front of the children and your dh needs to be made aware that this is one of your boundaries .

With regards to friends, hospital stays, forgetting stuff that's all normal when your life is upside down. I find writing your apologies and reasons can explain properly, email, card, text. Explain again to your friend and if she a good friend she'll understand and forgive, I had my niece turn up at my house last week, totally forgot I had arranged for her to stay, I thought sister would have stopped the visit as my disabled dd was blue lighted to hospital where she stayed for a week, but sister thought we'd somehow enjoy the extra chaos, we both think we're right and now not speaking.

With regards to your sil, that's another boundary you need to set with your dh, if she can't be civilised then you block her.

My husband agreed, and said that as long as she was unwilling to make peace with me, it meant she wouldn’t see our DC. Days later, MIL has invited husband and DC for a visit. And husband wants to go with our children.

I'm sorry to say this really doesn't bode well for your future as a couple, OP. You need to both be on the same page and you need to be able to trust him to be able to deal with his DM in a constructive way. Otherwise there's no going forward.

This is going to be tough op as for your marriage to survive you need to be united completely with DH, against MIL.
Is he strong enough and committed enough to stand strongly with you for years?

No you can’t stop him from taking them. They are his children not just yours.

I would say if you think he can’t be trusted to ensure the kids don’t over hear something damaging then you really need to rethinking everything.

Absolutely not.
Take it that if your husband is happy to do this, he is NO longer committed to your marriage and move forward that you will be divorcing.

He cannot have it both ways.

You cannot stop him taking your children with him to his mothers when you are no longer married, but while you still are you can tell him it is 100% a deal breaker.

You are fooling yourself if you think your marriage has legs whilst he is happy to allow his mother behave towards you like this.

You can’t stop him from taking them, but I would make sure he knows you aren’t happy about it. I honestly think some MILs engineer situations to get this exact result - their son and Grandchildren to themselves, with the DIL on the outside.
You need your DH on the same page as you to get through this.

@PeachyPotatoes how do you know what she is saying if she cut you off? Is your husband telling you these things? My abusive exH used to do that, at the time I thought it was innocent, that he was just relaying what his mother was saying. Years later I realize it was another way to undermine me.

If a relative of mine ever makes a negative comment or joke about my DH, I wouldn't tell him about it. I would 1) stand up for him and 2) leave it at that. Why would I upset my DH with something said by someone he almost never even sees? Why is your husband telling you about the horrible things his mother says?

Your husband is a selfish bastard, shit father, shit husband.
You have NOTHING to apologise for, he has NOTHING to forgive you for.
His family are awful.
Your friend is not being a real friend when you have been through so much.

Re think your marriage. He couldn't possibly love you and be such a selfish pig.

Where were they when her husband was away working and she had health problems and needed supporting???

She doesn’t owe her in-laws anything at this stage.

They clearly felt that her marriage had fuck all to do with them when she could have done with a hand so they now need to fuck off and mind their own business.

OP, don’t engage with those nasty pair of twats. They’re a pair of utter shits.

That's the sad thing sometimes on Mumsnet you only get half a story.

No, she doesn't. She owes these people nothing.

I'd be going completely NC with them, because of the MIL's lies and the SIL's obscene messages.

Nobody needs that in their life!

Sorry but I wouldn't stay with someone whose family treated me this way

You separated was he a total nun during this separation?
You got back together has anything changes with him apart from his socks?
Why is she going around spouting these easily disproved lies? Shoplifters have court records where are yours? Drug addiction? Call social services then they will test you if you have young children my neighbour had to be tested same day because the neighbours decided she was on cocaine