Friends have no interest in my child

Before I had children I found them unbelievably boring. I am still not very interested in other people's children, but fake it out of politeness

This a classic example of why you should always choose a good title for your post and not drip feed before you decide to commit hara-kiri on AiBU. Or better still, post in Chat.

Yes op this is a hard thing to absorb because to us they are just phenomenal in every way. But it’s a really good thing to get used to . You will be constantly reminded over the coming years that carers, babysitters, nursery staff, school teachers etc dont find your child as absorbing as you do but they won’t. Sometimes you may even feel they don’t care even though they are paid to. And the truth is ( whisper it) they actually don’t. Not in comparison with what you feel anyway.

I’m confused, have you actually asked them directly to meet up child free? You seem to be saying you’re happy to just talk about non child related things, but then say you’re annoyed with them for not asking about your child.

I have friendships that have ebbed and flowed depending on where we are in stages of lives. I think having children is a big factor that impacts on your friendship but it doesn’t need to be a permanent change.

Definitely seek out fellow mums though in the same phase of life as you as they will be invaluable moving forward.

I have friends with children. I have children. I have friends I have known over 20 years and ones who have been through some of the most important moments of my life with. But despite loving my friends dearly I am not interested in their children. I will always ask about them, interact with them and never begrudge their attendance at any event but I also don't make it central,.nor do I always include mine. I children are beloved by family and parents and some friends adore them. Most don't and it doesn't indicate anything about the friendship but if it doesn't work for you then you need to make new "mum" friends, but for me personally I welcome friendships that don't centre around so and so's sleep, school life, their funny little antics as I get to feel like me not just a mummy if that makes sense and sometimes I think that is vital in its own way.

You will always have your child but some of these people who are now friends might move to other towns, migrate etc. It really there isn't a guarantee they will always be that attentive or close to you.

Telling someone: why don't you call me and ask me more about me and my baby will only raise eyebrows and make people uncomfortable

Have you actually suggested meeting up?

I’m really surprised by a lot of these answers.

I was the first of my friends to have a baby, and I had twins. Everyone saying babies are boring etc, well.. yes. But why would you lose interest in a friend just because they have a baby? That’s not a real friend in my eyes.

OP, I’m still the only one of my friends who has children, my twins are 15 months, my core group asks about my babies and listens to me when I talk about them. We also talk about lots of other things and meet up as we usually did, with some adjustments because I now have children and they understand that…

a lot of posters are saying don’t expect interest in your children. I get that. But actually friends show interest in all parts of your life, even if it’s something they’re not particularly interested in. I have very close friends who’ve only met my twins once or twice, but still listen and show interest when I talk about them. As I do for things in their life that I know little about! Surely that’s part of being a friend?

If it helps my friends that had always been into children were very into my baby and wanted updates, cuddles and visits and sometimes they even helped.

a majority of my friends became interested in my child when she had her own personality and they could talk to her.

I wouldn’t take offence. They don’t have to be into your baby. If they show very little interest in you and your life, I would question the friendship. If the eh are just drifting apart, then I’ll organise a coffee or invite them over for a catch up to see what’s going on. If they are showing zero interest in my life then the friendship will just naturally drift apart.

I have kids, and sometimes I am that friend that forgets to check in on people’s children, but I will always ask when we have a catch up. And I tend to be the friend that puts on child friendly events so that my mum friends can join. Life just gets annoyingly busy.

I understand that they are not interested in the baby but what's their response when you suggest a night out? Have you tried saying "hey girls. I'm dying for some adult company. What about a glass of wine this Friday?"

Maybe you are one of my friends! I'm baffled by the number of people saying "no one is interested in your child".
I'm glad that hasn't been my experience.

Even if you have children, other people's children are uninteresting, I am sorry.

OP, other peoples children aren't interesting. It's nice to meet them for the first time when they're born, but that's about it. I say that as a mum myself, I don't bring my children along very often to things as they're just not that interesting to other people.

You are being unreasonable. Other peoples children just aren’t that interesting, sorry OP.

I experienced similar but with one small group of friends (some had kids some didn’t). I was always the one to make an effort. When I looked back through messages over 3 years, it turns out it was always me the one messaging first - so I decided to stop one day and basically never heard from any of them again.

Worth looking back yourself in case it’s the same - nothing to do with the timing of your child but actually just people whose “friendship” only existed because you were holding it together and making the effort the entire time.

I feel like the odd one out but my friends have always been interested in me and my babies. Just like I’m interested in them and theirs, or whatever else is important to them like their jobs, spouses, hobbies, pets… that’s a pretty basic part of friendship. Or so I thought!

I have lots of general friends from various hobbies and interests but the only ones whose children I know by name (and likewise their husbands), are those I met at baby classes or at the school gates.

Whereas I have many friends from hobbies (sports clubs, book club, choir) and know the names of their children and partners.
The common interest brought us together, and as friendships develop we get to know about their families.
The children from the school gates I know because we live in a village, but I only have anything to do with the ones who are still in touch with my sons, or the few where I am good friends with the parents (kids are 15 and 25 so it's a while since primary school)

Lots of good advice there. n

I’ve had this situation, as soon as I had my first baby, some ‘friends’ were all over me and baby at first. Then - I was always the one texting or calling to say hi or whatever. I decided to stop doing that, to see if they got in touch with me.
They didn’t.
i realised that I was only any use to them when i was childless/able to be spontaneous/had more money !!

my first baby is 15 soon and I’ve not seen or heard from them since before he was one year old !!

With a seven month old you are still in the thick of it. It will be a more heightened time emotionally due to lack of sleep and still lots of hormones flying about. It’s all new and can be overwhelming.

Feelings of isolation as a new mum are really common, and you are right; it’s not that easy making mum friends. At least not right away.

My advice is to go to as many groups as you can manage. Often the local church ones are cheapest and offer a good support network.

It will feel a bit miserable for the first few months but this time next year you will know everybody and everyone will know you. You will be surprised one day that the mothers you felt were ‘hip’ and standoffish will suddenly open up and chat to you because actually, deep down, they all feel the same way you do. Even the ones with multiple kids.

This doesn’t mean that you have to spend all your time chatting about babies and milestones, you can have the type of convos you want with your old friends.

Once you have built up a new network and a routine check back in with how you are feeling about your friends.

I also think that it’s perfectly acceptable to reach out to a few of your closer friends and say actually I’m struggling, being a mum is more isolating than I thought.

Maybe they just don’t realise how you feel (especially if you normally open the convo with something jovial)

Maybe they have tough stuff going on too. Things get a lot more challenging as we get older and have more responsibilities.

The only other thing I’d say is it could be to do with you not being on social media. Rightly or wrongly, in the social media age, I find it much harder to keep up with and connect with friends that don’t use it anymore. When you see someone’s updates it reminds you ‘oh I need to message so and so’ or often sparks a conversation.

Also, if there is a Family Hub near you (formerly Sure Start) they are really good at giving extra support to parents and connecting you up with support/other parents in similar circumstances.

From memory, a new mum is learning how to cope with a baby, and it takes a while to work it out. Don't see it as them isolating you. view it as a few months space (possibly a lonely one) to learn to wrangle your baby so that when you are confident enough to present baby, the babe has had so much love that baby smiles at everyone.

I think until you have children, it's so hard to understand what it's like to go through it all. All the emotions, all the changes.

When I became a mum, I certainly though 'oh my, it's tough, was I actually there for my friends when they became mums?'. Try to initiate some meet ups with them.

Just wait til they all have kids a few years down the line, and act like it's the second coming of Christ...

I didn't mind my friends being awkward around my kids; I had kids way before everyone else, and they didn't have much experience of kids, and it was important to me to keep up my friendships without the kids always being there. Can you honestly say you make time for them without the baby, even just the occasional coffee? Because you should if you value them as friends.

But it really, really hurt and pissed me off when my close friends had kids and definitely expected me to be fascinated by every aspect of it all, and also were unable to keep our friendships child-free even for the odd half hour. Like I had years before, at great effort, because I was going through a lot. I do feel resentment now towards certain friends.

It all depends how close you are, as to if you can weather these stages as friendships wax and wane.

why are people acting like checking in with friend who's had her first baby is such an onerous task?