AIBU that I have screwed up my kid already?

3 year old plus a baby is very hard work, well mine were. It's gets easier.

Also… if he’s being a pain in the arse about putting his shoes on for school - is he reluctant to go to school due to separation anxiety? We’ve had real phases where my dd won’t get dressed because she was trying to put off leaving me to go to school.

If so, there are things that might help to feel connected to you while he’s there - eg putting a picture of you in his bag, or drawing a “love button” on each of your arms that he can press if he misses you. We talk about feelings a lot in our house so I would also speak to him about that sense of separation, that you miss him too, but that you always come back.

You've had lots of advice here, I hope it's not too overwhelming and you can pick out one or two ideas that will work for you.

I would agree with pps for you to look at Dr Becky or the "how to talk" book. I haven't seen any posts recommending naming the emotion and helping him co-regulate - so if he refuses socks, assuming socks are actually non negotiable, then I would say, "oh socks are such a pain sometimes! Shall we wear them on our heads today" and put his socks on while he laughs at your hilarious joke.

This example might not work, but the good news is that socks are needed every day so you get lots of chances to try again with a new idea 😄

All parents screw their kids up a bit(!) but it sounds like you really care and are doing a great job.

I think Dr Becky’s instagram or podcasts could really help you, or “how to talk so little kids will listen, and listen so little kids will talk”.

Agree with other pps re not needing the potty. Don’t pick fights about things not worth fighting about - I will never have an argument about wearing a coat for instance. I’ll give information: “it’s a cold day, a coat will keep you warm”, or “wees go in the potty”, but I have a kid like yours and if told explicitly what to do they dig their heals in. If she won’t put a coat on I’ll chuck it under the pram and if/when she’s cold she’ll put it on.

Can you make the stuff you have to do more fun? So socks have a silly voice and just love to cuddle stinky feet. Try and put his shoes on you and go “silly mummy, why won’t my shoes fit??”. All sorts of random items get anthropomorphised in our house (nail clippers are hungry little monsters that love eating nails; for a while tooth brushing was done by a hand puppet). We race to get dressed. We try and press start on our electric toothbrushes at exactly the same time. We make up dances when tidying up.

I can already hear replies from more authoritative parents saying it sounds like a lot of work, but for my child it works whereas more traditionally “strict” parenting wouldn’t. And I enjoy it more than arguing with her. The basic standards though are the same.

Time out would never work for my headstrong preschooler. Instead when she was little I would sit with her and say “I won’t leave you while you feel overwhelmed, but I’m here when you’re ready for a cuddle.” If needed, “I won’t let you hit”. Sometimes I’d write her notes which even before she could read would take the wind out. Now she’s a little older she often writes down how she’s feeling when overwhelmed and posts it under the door to me.

We have really solid boundaries and expectations but I try and keep the mechanisms for holding them light. Your son doesn’t know how to regulate his emotions yet but is feeling them all. For my kid who sounds like yours it’s all about increasing connection and holding meaningful boundaries.

Reading your posts - the thing that has struck me is you only do stuff with him when baby isn't there. When baby has gone to bed, when baby is napping, when baby is with the nanny and you are getting ready for school so not really 100% of your attention. It feels like you are slotting him in when it works for you.

I would use divide and conquer, one of you spend some time with each child, do something fun with baby tagging along. At 6 months they are fine getting attention along the way you can do baby focussed stuff but 2nds generally come along for the ride!!!

3 is a tough age, speak to your younger year colleagues about things they may do, marble jar is good as a starting point.

^^ what blessed just said.

Op I can't remember the book name but I'm sure someone has mentioned it but it's the essence of what some pp aren't saying re choices and options. He isn't ready for them.

Try and read around this definitely and do different strategies.
Re potty, just let him wet himself. It's no big deal and yes he maybe not ready yet.

Ha, sounds like mine at 3 (and sometimes still now at 5 if he's tired). A lot of traditional parenting tools don't work on him, giving choices in particular if he's not in the mood to think or make decisions or listen. He is easily overwhelmed and worries a lot.

Instead, we don't ask his opinion or give options - we make the choice for him. There's no 'apple or grapes?' or 'Park or beach?'. We give him his food, or tell him where we're going. He seems to thrive on having fewer choices, which I can understand - it's stressful having too many things to decide about!

Just one aspect to consider. It sounds like you're having a power struggle over little things like using the potty, which puts you at odds on pretty much everything else. We had these same issues. Once we lowered our standards, stopped giving so many options, he was much calmer and happier. We don't fight about wearing coats and hats when it's cold - we take them with us for when he asks for them. Stopping this cycle means we don't have the ridiculous battles over more important things like teeth brushing, sun cream, etc., because he knows we don't insist on things that aren't important.

Try something different, you're doing the same things and getting nowhere,perhaps these are considered the 'right' things and you're doing your best but different children need different things at different times. Try looking a little at transactional analysis, parent adult and child ego states, is his behaviour dragging you into some ego state you don't want to be in? I did this often with my kids and met them where they were at, they wanted control, I gave them it, you want to be in parent mode and have control and choice, well let's try it eg you don't want to go to school, ok you phone in, you work out what you're doing to do all day alone, you find a way to feed yourself today, you want to be in control well you go for it, they soon acuiesed and realised they needed mum and dad to run the show, but all children are different and admittedly if my husband did this it didn't always work. My point is don't be afraid to try something different, if he won't go on potty, disengage, go off and all have your lunch and ignore it, see what he does, give him the chance to see what making his own decisions and having control feels like and whether he actually really wants that, maybe this is what he needs, to see that all the control he craves is actually not that great, we did this for stuff like refusing to bath or eat, we'd just go cool, this is what we think you should do but if you want to choose something else then we're away to have a cuppa and watch telly and you can do what you want. It's amazing how quickly both of our children would suddenly be asking for us to take charge again and doing what we suggested, not easy when you've a life to run, but neither is battling over a potty for an hour with everyone stressed to the max.

This. It might really help to name this too. “Ah I bet it can be really hard having a little sibling sometimes, can’t it?” Really try to get into his head in relation to how he might be feeling and then put it into words for him.

and also - parenting is so hard and we’re all just muddling along, doing the best we can! I really like how open you are to hearing different ideas

Look up Dr Becky on YouTube - she’s so good with stuff like this!
I’ve had the same with the before school stuff. One thing that works well for some kids is to address things less directly. So if my DS is frustrated about something and getting increasingly het up, I’ll sometimes talk to him about a time I was frustrated as a child and what happened/ what my mum said, etc. (you can use a bit of artistic license here).
And if my DD is refusing to wear various shoes, I tell her we’ll talk about it when we get to preschool, sort of postponing the problem - often by the time we get there she has been distracted by something else!

I could have written this about my own three year old boy; it’s been hell since just after he turned three, he was actually a very sweet two year old. We’ve also got a new baby and that seemed to have a big impact. In the last few weeks he’s been slightly better, dare I say. My husband thinks he’s neurodivergent, but I don’t think he is; we’ve had no issues at all at nursery or with any other caregivers. Sending hugs and hope it gets better soon for you (and us!)

Try reverse psychology. Seems to work well with 3yr olds! Don't worry it's normal. Its all kind of trial and error as you all see what works

You said you play a game with him ONCE baby has gone to bed. Need to find away to play a game with him and solely him while baby is there. It's like oh look babies gone now mummy will play with me now instead of oh look baby is here but mummy is playing with me now

He didn't need the toilet. Never, ever, ever, ever make toileting a battle

I had a relatively compliant toddler, but even so he HATED it when I told him he had to do a wee - it was the one thing guaranteed to make him furious! Better to let him wet himself.

He didn’t need the potty clearly. If my DS says he doesn’t want the potty, I leave it. Yes he still sometimes wets himself, it’s part of potty training.
forcing him to go when you think is right, is not the right approach to potty training. Spending an hour battling back and forth, 2 adults vs 1 toddler seems an unnecessary power struggle to me and frustrating for everyone. As I said, pick your battles. This is not one of them. Why are so regimented? He is only 3.
he can probably sense how frustrated you are and plays up to get more attention.

I have always said age 3 was my DDs worst age, it was the age she pushed every single boundary, from 4 on she has been an angel honestly but age 3 she pushed as much as she could and we held firm in our boundaries (whilst wondering if we were doing the right thing) but ultimately she outgrew it.

But I look back now and will always say age 3 was her very worst age for turning into a terror.

And actually if you are a teacher you are probably used to rules eg go to the toilet before meals.etc.

Lots of successful parenting is instincts, variation to circumstances and not following the rules all the time

One other thing, when a very young child is really articulate then everyone, parents including, tend to assume they are developed in all areas.

However, just because a toddler can talk about flowers doesn't mean they can explain and talk about their feelings or cope with being involved in choosing etc.

Remember to treat him like a little child. Many toddlers can never have enough of their parents and certainly can't occupy themselves..some can but many can't.

Remember he's only three

I read an article recently about NOT giving toddlers too many choices, and it made so much sense to me.

I agree. Choices are exhausting, even for adults. I think they call it decision fatigue.

And I agree he simply didn't need the toilet.

I think op is parenting by rules rather than instinct.

She had a bee in her bonnet that ds must go to the potty before dinner. Why? Just because, that's her rule.

Most kids do a distinctive hoppity hop dance when they need to go. Just look out for that instead.

I think you have to pick your battles. If he wets himself because he ignored your reminder he wets himself. Once my children were trained they took themselves off. I think a a small step and one of those seat fittings for children so they don't fall in gives them independence. There is no way I would spend an hour remonstrating with a child to use a potty. Just make sure that they have clothes that they can undo themselves - elastic waists are good.

Our eldest used to have epic tantrums at three. My husband tried to reason with him and jolly him out of them. The tantrum rate increased. I lowered the boom on both of them and said we were going to do things my way. If he had a tantrum he was ignored - just totally ignored - and we moved to another part of the house. I realise that you might not have the space to distance physically but you can just ignore him while he is carrying on. It is really quite hard work having a tantrum - you have to keep up the screaming, kicking on floor and so on. If nobody is paying any attention, it starts to look like a lot of effort for very little gain.

If you want to go to the loo, and he has a tantrum, just ignore him.

I have never used time out. A child who is really upset is not going to stay somewhere quietly reflecting on their behaviour. Or at least mine wouldn't have.

I agree if he is not dressed or misses breakfast, just take him as he is. One morning leaving the house in pyjamas will probably cure him. You can take his clothes in his bag so he get dressed after he arrives at school.

Try some compliments about behaviour you want to encourage. You may have to dig deep for this. I was once reduced to commenting to my challenging child that they were very good at finding the shortest fastest supermarket queue. Strangely, they were very proud about this and always wanted to choose the queue. Yes, there are outings that are not going to be productive.

So for example child doesn't want to put socks on..

I wouldn't give a choice of who does it if you can help it, I would say shall mum put on these ones or these socks so he chooses the socks, or do one each, see who can get it on first, if he does want to do it himself but doesn't in the allocated time then he needs to walk to the car barefoot no socks and put them on on the car - I have 100% has to do this with shoes for one of my children before!

Sticker reward chart, make it a race of who can get their socks on first (this works extremely well for my daughter who never wants to go to bed... all I have to say is I'm going to win - the race to the bathroom to brush teeth and she's halfway up and forgotten the tantrum she was about to have) distraction of the best thing but I know you've probably tried most things!

Pick your battles.

He doesn't need to be forced onto a potty. So if he says he doesn't need it, accept what he says.

With the socks example, I'd have said OK then, shoes on without socks. If he refused shoes too, then walk out of the house without them on. Soon enough he'll learn that outside ground isn't nice for feet. Natural consequences are best.