AIBU that I have screwed up my kid already?

Not much advice here but lots of solidarity! My nearly 3 year old sounds very similar.
I've found I (sometimes) get a better outcome if I don't phrase things as a question. Just "it's time for socks and then we're going to school". If I give him choices, he will tell me "those aren't the options" or just "no" and refuses to engage. I've also been working on downplaying the tantrums, just leaving him to it but being nearby, occasionally asking if he wants a hug but keeping out of his space while he rolls around the floor being dramatic. Acknowledging why he's annoyed/upset (if I can figure it out, sometimes it's anyone's guess) but still holding calm and firm "I know it's hard when you want to keep playing. It is dinner time and we can play again afterwards"

Not perfect by any stretch but he seems to calm down more easily with this approach. Good luck!!

Child LED play using the PRIDE acronym
Praise
Reflect
Imitate
Describe
Enthusiasm

it worked worked amazing for my daughter and I think every child /parents relationship could benefit from it because It builds trust!! Please look it up online I don't want to over explain it here but tell you my experience with it. It helps build communication, cognitive development confidence and trust skills as well as the parent having better listening skills and a stronger Bond and understanding how your individual child communicates.

Thru lead play realized how much I was actually controlling and leading the engagement and not allowing my 3-year-old daughter to by the time she was five she was just diagnosed with disobedience defiance disorder and I really just that didn't sit well with me. Just doing the lead play alone she was able to communicate her emotions better which brought down the tantrums and the head banging on the floor drastically! And it taught me how to better listen and helped me realize I was being engaging by asking questions but that wasn't helping her learn anything or use her own developing problem solving skills I was just teaching her how to answer questions, but as I stated above it develops trust between you and your child trust that you will listen when he is able to explain to you how he's feeling and right now he doesn't know how to do that and that causes the frustration and then the outbursts it also might help to identify their emotions for them when they're having them like the difference between anger and sadness even though the cry might be the same so that they can identify the feeling and then therefore later explain it to you.
it also helps alleviate the feelings with having the second child because you show enthusiasm for something that they're doing with the E of pride
and the first couple of times it's awkward because there's a lot of silence and that's okay. I think for any parent to try with children ages 1 to 7 while they're still cognitively developing.

I hope you find this helpful and I hope that you are child and you both get some relief and can create a stronger Bond and communication that's healthy that he will carry with him.

Yes this works for my toddler too. I don’t explain or negotiate, I state facts. “We are going outside now, it’s sunny and we need suncream on”

”we are going to the pool, let’s put our hats on”

”you need armbands in the pool, let’s put them on before we go swimming”

My son just turned 5 and at 3 he was so so awful I remember him looking at me as if he hated me and it was just so tough. I think 3 in my experience is just a really hard age. My daughter just turned 3 and although different to her brother the tantrums are SO much worse than at 2. Also every three year old I've known in the past (the ones I'd know since birth and still know now) every single one of them was really annoying at 3 loved them all before and after but 3 they just really irritated me even the "good ones" it will get better!!

Stop giving him choices etc. I actually hate the advice to give toddlers choices to give them autonomy/control. Honestly i think its terrible for them, what they want is the safety and security of knowing a grown up is in charge. It just gives them something to argue with you about.

"Kid, do you want to put your socks on yourself or shall I help you?"
"Nope."
"Well we need to go school now so have to put socks on."
"I'm not going school."
"You have to go to school. Do you want to put the socks on or shall I do it?"
"Nope."
"OK I'm going to put them on"

I wouldn't have even really talked about this. I'd have said "put the socks on please" and if refused, lifted them to a chair/bottom of stairs and simply put the socks on. All that talking and negotiating, they just stop listening and tune you out.

I found the books Little Angels by Dr Tanya Byron and Divas and Dictators by Charlie Taylor useful.

The potty thing sounds like it went a bit haywire.

You cannot force them to pee. Never play battle of wills against a 3 year old, you will lose on principle!

Id have offered a bribe to sit & have a go, a chocolate button or something, then left it it 20 mins clear before offering again. He's 3, yes he might wet himself, they sometimes do if on a bad day.

3 year olds are a bit horrible, you do have to be a bit brisk and breezy and ignore the tantrums.

I wouldn't put up with hitting or kicking or biting though, ever. That was always my absolute hill i would die on. Safely restrain/ remove them or yourself such that they cannot reach to hit another person.

I'd really recommend the book How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen.

You sound like great parents - don't blame yourselves. 3 year olds can just be really hard work. I found it good a lot easier from 4, and then progressively from there. It's hard to see when you're in the thick of it, but this is just a phase and will pass. Not much help with the current issues I know, but please don't beat yourself up so much. You haven't ruined him!

Cracking advice from @Greategret

There's a great account on Instagram that looks at dealing with toddlers and preschoolers and all that comes with it- 'Big Little Feelings '.

If I knew an instruction was going to cause a huge reaction, I think I would avoid giving it. For shoes, I'd get the shoes and I'd put them on the child, make a game of it if I had to. What is most important in the morning - ensuring he follows instructions or getting out the door? We forget that kids will grow and change and we have to guide them. They will do things and act in ways that we do not want but it doesn't mean they are bad kids or will be like that forever. I think we can get caught up in the moment and want to win the situation rather than navigating around it. We are not ' letting them off the hook' , we are just accepting that whatever task is required of them is too hard in that moment, it's only a moment. It doesn't mean the child is broken forever. I listened to a podcast about low demand parenting and it was very interesting. Basically - be flexible and meet the child where they are at, not where you'd like them to be.

Outbursts and tantrums and anger are all developmentally normal in younger kids. You are not doing anything wrong.

Oh 3 is hard and you need to let things go. It's hard when they say no to everything - I used to pull two fingers behind my dcs back 😂. It's normal behaviour but doesn't mean it isn't hard to deal with.

Re the shoes, I have take mine out without a coat in British weather. They got cold and learned the consequences of why we wear coats.

The toilet situation, let him wet himself. He'll only do it once. Make him clear it up after too. You spent an hour arguing...

The trouble with posting these sort of issues is you often get a boatload of direct suggestions that may not be particularly well suited to your specific circumstances.

Your child might not really respond well to the "give them choices" strategy (they ignore the choices and continue their usual demands), or the "let them bear the consequence" strategy (where no shoes might be a cultural problem etc). "Turning every difficult scenario into a fun toddler game" might be so far removed from your personal style of parenting that it's exhausting enough to be unsustainable for you in the longer term, for example.

I found re-framing the behaviour away from the "this toddler is being naughty and having a tantrum" type of thinking (which came pretty naturally to me personally, to be honest!) into one that vaguely makes some sort of sense in terms of emotional development quite helpful. The book I mentioned above assisted quite a lot with this. You can then come up with your own strategies to deal with this that work for your specific set of circumstances.

Certain things like "time out" might start to make less sense for a 3 year old depending on how it's being done.

I'd also suggest that there is maybe an exaggerated sense around these days that babies and toddlers are there for us to "enjoy" as parents. Deriving enjoyment from parenting is obviously an important by-product of having a child, but our primary role as caregivers is to ensure their safe physical & emotional development. There will be times when this process is enjoyable, but there will be times when it's not particularly, and I think it's important not to beat yourself up about that when that's the case. Grandparent visits etc for us are an obvious time when these expectations become quite unhelpful.

My DD was like this at 2/3, the hitting and kicking and biting nearly broke me. She’s 6 now and no longer an absolute demon, but we do suspect she may have ADHD.

I'd really recommend the book "Raising your spirited child" if you can get hold of it. It's pretty cringe in places due to the way some of it is written but gives a reasonably sensible mental approach to these sort of issues that you can build your own framework around.

You&be had lots of good advice on here, and you also seem to be doing much better than you think you are, but your post about bare feet being unacceptable did make wonder if the country you are living in us also where you are from? I raised my children in a country where parenting and behavioural expectations were very different from what I was raised to believe as normal, and that made everything a lot harder. I didn't have an internal sense of what correct behaviour and etiquette was, and had to pick it up from watching other parents. I had to encourage behaviour and do things I didn't really agree with, and then when my kids played with their cousins I felt judged all over again by my own family for raising them according to the expectations of where they were being raised. The parenting tools I had expected to use just weren't available to me in a different country.

So if that's part of your problem, I don't really have any practical advice but just want to give sympathy and acknowledge that this makes everything harder, but that in the long run everything worked out ok for us.

You haven’t screwed up your kid, it’s just a difficult age and no doubt compounded by the arrival of a sibling. I had a similar age gap and can remember feeling similarly exhausted and hopeless - dealing with tantrums when you’re so tired and burnt out from lack of sleep etc yourself is really hard. It will pass and things will get easier. One of the best bits of advice I read when my kids were tiny is that discipline isn’t about making your kids behave, it’s about teaching them to control their own impulses and is a long and ongoing process, with ups and downs along the way. Keeping a bit of long term perspective helps to avoid beating yourself up when things don’t go as planned - it’s all part of the process. Just keep being consistent, model the behaviour you want, be as kind and patient as you can and keep steering him the right way. Maybe think about what triggers him and try to preempt as much as possible - it sounds like demands set him off so with the potty, I’d just ask if he needed it, remind him it’s there and then leave it up to him. The other thing that helped my 3 year old was giving her lots of attention before she asked for it to ‘top her up’ - so in the morning, lots of cuddles, lots of attention (not always possible if the baby is needing attention but whenever you can). My 3 year old who once screamed and kicked for an hour because I told her the packet of green beans she was holding at the supermarket had to be scanned and paid for, is now a delightful, quiet, thoughtful teenager who loves her younger brother (mostly). Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

Don't make this out to be an authoritarian relationship because I'm a teacher.

I don't think anyone is and all the replies have been supportive ?

Have you tried role playing with teddies/small figures some of the confrontations you have had?

ie he is mummy, you are child, and you play “going to school” and you make your figure do what he does. Watch what he makes the mummy do in reaction and chat about it. M

Then switch roles/re-play it/try alternatives.

It’s a really successful way to talk about behaviour suitable for his age.

@dontlookinthemirror would it help to try and reframe how you see the kicking and hitting? Rather than thinking of him as violent, he’s overwhelmed and dysregulated in that moment and doesn’t have enough skill or language yet to express that any other way. So can you try staying really, overly calm (easier said than done…) and say something like. “Wow, I hear you, you really don’t need the potty. I won’t let you hit. I won’t let you hit.” Or “I won’t let you hit. But that potty has made you so angry! I think I just saw a bit of anger shoot out your ear! And another! Let’s catch it and throw it in the bin.”

It’s not going to get him to wee right there and then but it might defuse things and stop him turning the potty into a battle for control. If he’s looking for things to control wee and food are the big guns for a 3 year old.

Good luck. Threenagers are hard work!

Good luck! Re coat: did you read the previous posts? Like other posters I don’t make my kids wear a coat or hat. I take it and if they are cold they will ask for it and put it on. Usually takes about one minute.
Some things are non negotiable of course like sun cream when it’s sunny outside.