Raving?!? au pair problems

DO NOT PUT YOUR DOG'S SAFETY AT RISK

keep quiet for now, find a dog sitter who has immediate availability and will pick dog up, if you must

but be very aware that things could get worse if she realises you know what is going on in the house

You don't need an au pair for a 15 and 12 year old. Of course your children love her as she's the family entertainment and setting a really bad example to your impressionable teenagers if she is drinking and taking drugs all the time.

Your au pair must think she has really landed on her feet. She doesn't have to really look after the children at all so she's being paid well to cook dinner occasionally and some light housework. No wonder she's going out getting drunk and partying all the time.

OP, what you need is a cleaner or occasional mother's help. Not a live in au pair.

There's not much you can do now. Enjoy your holiday, stop checking your ring door bell but when you get back make sit down and explain to your au pair that you don't really need her anymore and that you are giving her plenty of notice to find somewhere else to live and find another job.

Whether or not the OP needs an au pair is up to her.

If there is absolutely no way someone can come and collect your dog (no way that family can do it even with a journey?) I would let her know one of the neighbours thought they saw the dog out late at night and ask if everything okay? That way she may take better care.

As a dog owner my priority would be the dog so don't give her a hint of you being annoyed, just concerned. The last thing you want is her flouncing out and abandoning the dog.

Then do nothing else until you get home, when you sack her. I would even pay her notice period but ask her to leave with immediate effect. Then, as others have said, get dog sitters (we use Rover and other pet boarding facilities) and a housekeeper for 2 days of the week. Your au pair sounds like an additional sibling in the house, not a trusted adult.

I'd be very wary of letting her know in advance that the shit's hit the fan. Who knows what she/they may do/help themselves to and then scarper!! I'd be tempted to text her..... the neighbour saw movement out the front in the night but you can't see anything on the ring doorbell so presume all ok but will get the connections checked when you return in case it's faulty. Ask how she is and then ask about the dog. When you get home fire her and tell her why - no notice. Try and enjoy the rest of your holiday!

Personally as long as home and dog are ok when you get home, I'd be fairly relaxed about it.

But she is an employee (of a kind) and the drunkenness in your home wasn't acceptable imo

I find this attitude bizarre, she's not a servant and she has a right to have some sort of life. I'm guessing the OP isn't paying sufficient to account for her to be 'working' 24/7

If she is turning off wifi you would get a notification on your phone if you have the app/ main account holder

OP I would not be accepting this. You have been extremely fair to this au pair regarding boyfriend policy - more than fair given your willingness to potentially meet him in future and reasses- yet despite this she brings him round when you’ve explicitly made it known you are not comfortable with that. Which by the way would also be my opinion. I also liked to have a good time in my 20s but falling around the place drunk etc I did not do on a regular occasion. I would think seriously about this- you would be well warranted in sacking her.

I think the lying is a major issue. She has broken your trust… I’d be calling home often and keeping a close eye as much as you can whilst away, and then when I get back I’d be having a frank conversation and either asking if she can rebuild the trust or if she wants to move on..

What a shame you’ve been taken advantage of. She definitely needs to go.

In the short term I agree with pp who say drop a small hint that she’s been rumbled (neighbour’s told you about the dog getting out) just enough to realise the walls have eyes. That will probably at least make her look after the dog properly.

Ring her every day asking if the dog’s ok.

Sack her the minute you get home.

"Older teenagers" is a bizarre way to describe a 12 year old - but regardless, if they and sibling need supervision, an unreliable 20 year old doesn't seem a great way to achieve that.
Contacting her while you're away may have unintended impact. Although she appears to have invited BF to stay when you've previously said no, the inebriated au pair and uninvited BF had the nous to realise they needed to get the dog back, so are looking out for the dog.
I'd let her get on with it, get rid when you get back.

When it’s convenient for you, Catch her out by saying a neighbor has told you/ caught it on their video. This way she doesn’t know you are not aware of her turning off WiFi, but makes it clear to her you are aware of everything (that isn’t on your video.)
End her employment.
She will probably make up some nice lies for you.

Are you someone who needs to be in control - maybe to make everything safe and everyone feels okay? If so, I completely get that. At some point though, you're going to have to let go. Right now, I think you really need to relax and enjoy your holiday. Which means you would have to park the conversation with your au pair and hope for the best with the dog. When you get back, maybe find alternative solutions and let her go because you don't trust her anymore.

I'd leave it until you get home otherwise she could leave immediately and your dog wouldn't be cared for. Have it out with her face to face when you return and are calmer.

I wouldn’t confront this while you are away - if she packs her bags and flounces you have no one around for the dog for the rest of the week and you said there is no one else you can ask at the moment.

I’m going to go against the grain slightly and say it is unrealistic to have someone live with you, a 20 year old particularly, and say a flat no to guests. She originally asked for a guest when your kids were with their dad and you said no. Now she has someone visit while you are away for a week. The “shirtless man” scandal is probably just her and her boyfriend buying a takeaway - and if you continue to let her have no life even when the kids are away I hope she will be happy to move on/move in with him.

wait until you are back; enjoy your holiday; not much you can do from where you are. Don’t look at the ring app

Sounds like she's crossed over into a lodger rather than an Au Pair.

At 15 and 12, you don't need an Au Pair anymore and she's outgrown the role. Time for her to move on and for you to employ a dog walker.

You don't have to angrily fire her and chuck her out onto the pavement with her stuff in binbags (much as you might like to at the moment), it can be presented as a natural progression, which would be easier for the youngest to adapt to.

You don't need an au pair when you have a 15 year old in the house. Tell her you don't need her anymore and get a proper dog sitter next time you go away. I would also call her and tell her you saw the footage where the dog escaped and that's you're worried about it. Anything else - having someone over when you're away - is probably to be expected given her age and that the children aren't there to see him.

But it sounds like she is a bit of a bad influence if she is drunk around your family at the weekends. If you want someone to cook you could ask your 15 year old to start dinner. Mine could do this by that age. Whether they would or not is another matter but you could always use the saved money to pay them instead!

Do nothing until you get back then give her minimum notice. I assume it’s a week. Did you get her through an agency? I’d tell them too. I think in part the problem is you’ve been too slack with her so she thinks she can take the piss.

I agree. Much nicer having the house to yourself the rest of the time as well.

Phone her and ask if the dog is ok. You’re concerned about the dog being left, don’t mention how you know. If you’re really worried about the dog’s welfare contact dog boarders in your area and they will usually do a collection service.
At least you know your dog will then be safe and well.
Then when you get home get rid of her.

I would wait until you’re back before you raise it with her; you can do very little about this now so try to make the most of your break.
I would let her go on your return.

Just relax and enjoy your holiday - you are a single mum, working full-time and a provider! You need your rest. Deal with it when you come back. And before you make your decision, may I say something. I have no memory of it at all, but my late parents told me that the best and kindest nanny I had was a drunk and spoke little English. No cameras in those days, but parents said she had adored me and handled me in such a way, that when her children had children and asked her to come back to Malta, they were never able to find a nanny like that.

She's put you in a terrible situation. I would have to call her and say you know she's had a man staying there overnight (no need to tell her how you know - for all she knows a neighbour has dobbed her in) and that you want him to get out immediately and not return. Tell her you will talk to her when you get back. When you do get back, fire her. She's a liability.

I do understand your need to have someone there when you're a single mum. It's very hard having full responsibility, but she's not the one for you.

That’s up to the OP! It might be nice to have someone flick a Hoover round and wipe the kitchen down etc too. I think OP said one of the children had some issues, so it is probably good to have someone “in charge” to go to if need be.

The issue is that this person might not be as dependable as you hoped. To be fair, I was an au pair in Paris at that age. I probably did my share of going out drinking on days off. But the kids were v well looked after.

I would say, if you like this girl and want her to stay, have a chat with her. Tell her your worries and that she needs to pull her socks up. See if it improves.