Raving?!? au pair problems

I would get rid of her. An au pair is a form of employment, it isn’t your niece or your own child to tolerate that.

I would be especially pissed off at her bringing men to the house after you told her its not ok. But also getting totally pissed and possibly stoned - are you for real?? Why do you think its ok? She is not at student halls!

I would work out how much money a week / month / year you’re going to save on paying her / buying her food etc and have a think about what you’re going to spend it on..
More days out at the weekends with the fam, Hello Fresh so your teens can learn how to cook / nice convenience food
when you know you’re working, a lovely
dog sitter. You’ll get your space back and peace of mind not worrying about her..

Sensible post, thestudio.

Say nowt until you get back.

If you really piss her off theres nothing to stop her fucking off and abandoning the dog, or nicking your dog. Nothing at all.

I think for now, the important thing isnot to have a big bust up or for your dog to suffer in any way, so I would text:

"hi X, hope you're having fun. Just a reminder that it's very important that the dog is not left longer than 3 hours, is walked for at least hour a day, and that you keep a close eye whenever the door is open or he's off leash. And don't forget, no visitors please. We're having a great time here, see you soon."

That way you haven't actually told her you know, and she will suspect but not know for sure that you do. Could be neighbours telling you if so, she won't be sure. The important thing is that you've not smashed the relationship which might cause her to do something silly.

Then deal with it properly when you get back.

This! ⬆️

If I'm unpicking this correctly, you pay this young woman to live in your house & all she has to do is keep your kids company for a couple of hours a day & cook the odd meal?! That's it?? Where can I sign up??

And you're paying her dog sitting money at the minute on top of her normal money when she's not actually doing ANYTHING?!?!

This. I was an au pair and I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing this. I didn’t have a dog to look after and my employers did allow my now DH to stay for a few days when he was visiting and they were on holiday, but we’d been together for over 2 years by then. I wouldn’t have dreamed of sneaking someone in. The heavy drinking is a problem as well. I wouldn’t want that in my house.

I would do this:

1. Text or call to say Hi just checking in, hope [dogs name] is ok, just a reminder if yr struggling for time to call on one of tbe contacys I have you as dont want him leaving too long especially in the heatwave etc.

1. On return have a one to one and catch up with her. Dont let on, but ask her directly...

If she lies, give her notice. Because then she is untrustworthy and has taken advantage.

I think everyone needs to calm down about the dog? There is no evidence that she has been abusing the dog? She left it for a bit longer than the OP ideally likes, but OP doesn't seem unduly worried.

As for her drinking - I am no fan of heavy drinking and don't drink at all myself - but providing the woman isn't drinking or intoxicated when looking after the children, I don't think OP is in a position to object to this? And a lot of young people (and indeed older people) do drink to excess in their time off - their employers don't get to police that.

There is literally no evidence that she is using drugs in the house from what OP says.

She HAS gone against OP's express request by bringing a man into the house when asked not to. OP has every right to be upset about that.... Whether she sacks the woman for it, or just warns her, is up to her.

But to assume the man and the au pair will go on a drug-fuelled rampage, thrashing the house and abusing the dog, is somewhat hysterical......

As for the "terrible influence on your children" - the kids are, sadly, going to come across people who drink heavily, whether or not OP sacks this woman.
The idea that the 20 year old sets a bad example by having boyfriends is frankly bewildering....

OP, you are right to be upset she had the man round, but there is absolutely no reason to assume he will harm your house and your dog. I am concerned that you are engaging in catastrophic thinking (totally understandable - you are on holiday on your own with two teens, which can be stressful in itself without all of this!) and that some of the posts on this thread will just fuel that.

If you look calmly at the facts - this is a woman you have trusted to look after your kids and who, by the sounds of it, has done a very good job with that - why assume she will suddenly morph into a house-wrecking she-demon simply because she sneaked her fella in while you were away?

It will all be ok. You don't need to panic. Anything COULD happen, yes. The house could burn down in your absence too. But it probably won't.

Where is the raving part? 🙈

Can you check on rover to see if any emergency dog sitters available, they may be prepared to pick up the dog for an extra cost.

I mean obviously get rid when you get home, but I'd be seriously concerned about the dog's welfare if it's a bolter and she is prone to leaving doors open.

The dog shouldn’t be cramping her style - she’s being paid to look after it. Any alternative dog sitting arrangements should be paid out of her own wage. I really couldn’t let any of this go and enjoy the rest of the holiday. I agree with a poster above - I’d be letting her know I’d seen the footage and aware of when Wi-Fi is turned off. She needs to be reminded that she is in a position of trust and being paid to be responsible in OP’s absence, and that if she can’t meet that responsibility there will be a full and frank discussion of the way forward on OP’s return. And as soon as I got home, she’d be working her notice - better still sacked on disciplinary grounds and gone.

I wouldn’t call, what if she quits! Or has no reason to care and gets worse. I’d instead call and ask how things are the dog etc and hopefully the incident will have given her a shock and she’ll be better till your home and time to get rid.

Call her and say you're really worried as there's lots of precious things about and an alert showed a dog running away and that she had someone over. It'll probaby scare her enough not to do it again.

We have a contract and she gets well over minimum wage from me and also I helped get her a daytime job through a friend to build up a CV and she gets London living wage there too.

She's not an au pair, OP. An au pair is a young person who lives with you and carries out certain duties while studying locally. What you've got is a random young woman who's accepted accommodation and a few hours' work each week in order to fund her partying lifestyle.

I would also be cutting the holiday short and coming home as I wouldn’t enjoy myself knowing that I’d left my dog with someone so wholly inappropriate.

She’s risked a lot with her behaviour hasn’t she ? To be honest, for me the rest of the holiday would be filled with anxiety at the thought of what else could be going on. I’d be worried for the dog and anxious about what would be waiting for me when I got home.

I would try to moderate your tone to be less pissed off sounding and call her. Tell her you’ve seen the ring doorbell footage, and also that you know when she’s turning off the Wi-Fi and have concluded it’s to hide behaviour she’s knows would be unacceptable to you.

I would also remind her that you are her employer, she’s well being paid to look after the house and the dog and that based on what you’ve seen, you don’t think she’s doing a very good job of either. I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you’ll be monitoring and if there’s any more similar behaviour, signs of the dog being neglected or her leaving the house unsecured, there will be a very difficult conversation when you get home.

That might solve the issue for now, so that you can at least enjoy the rest of your holiday, but I would certainly be having that difficult conversation whatever happens. She has engaged in drunkenness and asked to bring boyfriends into your home - both of which are a terrible example for your children. There is also more than a suggestion that she’s bringing drugs onto the premises, and has ignored your objection to having her boyfriend there. Any one of these events is a reason for sacking. I think you’re well advised by others here to get rid before something serious happens.

I'd send a screenshot with "why is there a man in my house?"

You're paying someone to be your irresponsible, pisshead, druggie daughter.

Call her up and ask her to calm things down a bit that she shouldn’t have blokes over and if the dog is cramping her style find another solution for him (dog sitting etc).

Then take a deep breath and let everything else go. You’re a single mum and I bet you need your holiday. When you’re home you can sit down calmly and say that for the next school year your kids are growing up and you no longer need an au pair so you serve notice and bring the arrangement to an end.

You might look back that this week no permanent damage was done but woke you up to realise you don’t really need this person in your life.

You're paying her normal wage plus extra for dog sitting.

In return she stays in bed until lunchtime, has unknown man over even though you've already told her you don't want visitors, she let the dog escape, and has left him alone for 6 hours.

Wow. Can I be your au pair please?

Send a calm message now saying I saw xxx on the doorbell and was worried about DDog, I hope everything is ok now.

When you get home sack her immediately.

This sounds like the sort of shenanigans that go on when parents leave their teens/20s at home for the weekend. Difference being, you aren’t her mother and she is your employee.

The main concern is the dog. I’d check in with her and see how she’s coping, does she need any extra help if she’s going out or anything?

The other stuff you can deal with when you get back. It’s unlikely anything terrible will happen - it’s just inappropriate at work.

I’m not sure she sounds like a great influence on your kids, fun as she may seem. Different if she actually was a big sister but as someone you’ve intentionally brought into the household to be the responsible adult, it’s probably time for her to move on.

A housekeeper sounds a better solution at this stage in your DCs lives - someone older and sensible to make dinner and keep on top of the cleaning.

I wouldn’t be saying anything until you return, as other posters have said she could go in a huff and leave then you are stuck with no one to look after the dog. I would keep quiet until you get home.

You have set rules for your home and she broke them, and she has lied to you.

The trust is gone and anytime going forward you go away you will be wondering what is happening in your home and who she is bringing back.

Why all the drama?
You're on holiday, enjoy it, there's nothing you can do until you return.
When you get home, give her a month's notice. You no longer need an au pair so you have every right to terminate the contract, there's no need to go into her behaviour whilst you were away. Any intelligent girl can see the kids are too old to need an au pair.

Contacting her now and letting her know you're on to her behaviour opens the possibility of all sorts of activities with men, drugs, neglect of dog and household items and so forth. Thats a very bad idea.
Your kids may be upset but they'll get over it.

Spend her wages on a good cleaner and dog walker.

DO NOT warn her in advance.

Personally, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the rest of my holiday because I’d be worried about my dog (what were you thinking?!). Are there any decent dog sitters nearby who could pick up your dog for a walk and then keep him until you return?

With our au pairs we only have 2 rules beyond the obvious ones

No candles because I don’t want my house burnt down

No guests unless agreed at least 24 hours in advance because I don’t want to wake up to strangers in my home

I’m super relaxed generally but I wouldn’t be happy with her having guests over without clearing it with you first, even if you are away. Good au pairs are really hard to come by so I would sit her down for a gentle reminder chat about your expectations and make it politely clear that last weekend must be a one-off event.