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Original poster

Raving?!? au pair problems

184 replies

Needaholidaay · 03/08/2024 10:11

Hi

Name change. My kids are older -teenage - and we have an au pair who is well treated and paid and the kids do love her even though they think they’re too old to have an au pair. I want help still because 2-3 times a week I’m back from work at 7:30pm and for those 2-3 days she is around and able to see what’s going on and make dinner and make sure they’re not coming back to an empty house. She also brings a fun energy to the house and big sister vibe to my kids, one of whom is very attached and who has had some massive challenges. I’m a single parent.

Au pair is brilliant with kids, good cook and very intuitive. She does however drink way too much on a weekend - lost phones/smashed glasses/general oblivion and I have suggested she takes better care of herself but also she’s 20 and so I write it off as being like at college and being a bit daft. She did ask to bring a new boyfriend around a few months ago when the kids were at their dad’s (rare occurrence) but I said I didn’t want men I don’t know in the house or any visitors without meeting them and for then it was a no but if it became a longer term relationship and I had met him we could revisit that and we’d have to set boundaries on that. He hasn’t been mentioned since. She is always talking about men she’s chatting up at the weekends so no idea if he’s on the scene or not.

Me and kids are away and au pair has stayed at home for the week (for which she is being paid normal wage and dog sitting wage on top). I have a ring doorbell. I had some alerts at 3am so I looked back. Basically at 3am she got a deliveroo and the dog escaped through the front door and ran away. A shirtless man ran out after it and caught my dog and brought it back (thank god!). When I went back and looked at the ring footage there is no record of him coming into the house but there is of her and the dog (and her looking quite pissed). It’s weird but I’m thinking she must be going in and turning off the WiFi before letting the man in. Obviously when the dog escaped they didn’t have time to do that.

There is also a record of him coming to the door and her handing him something that could be a packet of drugs but maybe now I’m over thinking and it’s a bag of tea. I’d guess it’s the former and she might be a bit of a stoner in hindsight. I think this was recorded as it triggered the motion sensor but she probably didn’t realise it was because he didn’t ring the bell. (she could be a bit of a stoner or just being 20 - basically most days she doesn’t surface till midday).

She also left the dog for 6 hours one day which is longer than usual albeit he’s a good dog and would be ok probably for that long as a one off. I had said to her that if she needed to leave him for the day she should message my friend who will dog sit cover for us.

We are away for another 6 days. My best friend is away, my two usual dog sitting friends are unwell, my ex husband is angry because honestly he’s an arse, my family are miles away so I don’t really have anyone to pop around. I am worried she’s going to go on the lash again today with the dog in tow across London. I am worried about randoms in my home. I hate being lied to and I don’t know if my theory on her turning off the WiFi is right. But we are in another country so short of cutting the holiday short (which I really don’t want to do as we need it) I am at a loss as to what to call and say or message her with as I’m not there if she reacts badly.

My best friend says just ignore the ring doorbell and what the eyes don’t see the heart don’t grieve and wait to talk to her but I’m now worried for dog and for her and for jewellery etc in my house or someone leaving a door open. What should I do until I return please? If this indecision sounds pathetic then I understand as it feels pathetic, It’s hard being on holiday as a single parent and I just want to keep the peace and have a nice time but this has made me feel sick with worry this morning.

Thanks for getting this far.

OP posts:
Motherofacertainage · 05/08/2024 09:56

Unless you have other reason to distrust the girl, you are panicking a bit here (understandably as you so far away). She's probably sneaked the boyfriend in through the back door rather than interfering with the wifi and that's the only rule you know she has broken. The drug taking/supplying is all speculation.It depends how much of a deal breaker the no visitor rule is when deciding whether to end her employment but if she is generally of good character then you could be cutting off your nose to spite your face if she is otherwise helpful and reliable. Getting drunk in her own social time is not really your concern so long as she is not doing anything criminal or damaging as a result. The reasonable adult thing would be to phone or message to let her know you've seen the boyfriend on the ring doorbell and ask how the dog is. Then you can gauge from her response how concerned to be. If you have trusted her with your house and kids up to now your gut must have been telling you she is generally decent and reliable?

Caroparo52 · 05/08/2024 09:50

She's taken advantage of your trust and good nature. Time to say goodbye or release her from holiday duties and ask someone else to step in for holiday week. She's not trust worthy sadly.
Tell her you know she lost the dog and had a man in the house.. ie you're on to her.

FlipFlopVibe · 05/08/2024 09:47

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 05/08/2024 09:33

That's exactly what an au pair is though,just someone to cook tea and keep an eye on the the kids/house for a couple of hours and run a few errands. They shouldn't be treated like anything more than an older daughter looking after siblings.

Show quote history

I get their value for small children but for teenagers, no. It’s a cleaner OP needs not or a housekeeper. Paying a 20 year way over minimum wage to ‘babysit’ is just crazy. Even more so when it’s a pay rise just for a dog! 😂

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 05/08/2024 09:33

FlipFlopVibe · 05/08/2024 09:26

Can’t think of anything worse than having a stoner teenager left alone in my home. I wouldn’t settle for a minute. She’s got an extremely cushy job basically cooking tea a couple of nights a week. Your kids can take care of themselves now. And as for paying her extra to look after the dog! Are you mad?! The kids aren’t even there and she has one dog so gets extra money. You obviously have more money than sense.

I would send a simple text “There’s been some unusual activity on the doorbell we need to discuss when I’m home”. Thats enough to get her to buck her ideas up immediately but you aren’t getting into a debate on holiday

That's exactly what an au pair is though,just someone to cook tea and keep an eye on the the kids/house for a couple of hours and run a few errands. They shouldn't be treated like anything more than an older daughter looking after siblings.

Wowwww · 05/08/2024 09:31

Can she see your ring door bell?

If not, I would send her a cryptic message - something about "Just checking the dog is OK because neighbour mentioned seeing it at X in the morning but I am guessing she is mistaken".

Something which triggers her to worry what you know - but not enough that she is clear you are mad at her so she might do a runner. Enough to get her thinking she needs to act better this last week.

FlipFlopVibe · 05/08/2024 09:26

Can’t think of anything worse than having a stoner teenager left alone in my home. I wouldn’t settle for a minute. She’s got an extremely cushy job basically cooking tea a couple of nights a week. Your kids can take care of themselves now. And as for paying her extra to look after the dog! Are you mad?! The kids aren’t even there and she has one dog so gets extra money. You obviously have more money than sense.

I would send a simple text “There’s been some unusual activity on the doorbell we need to discuss when I’m home”. Thats enough to get her to buck her ideas up immediately but you aren’t getting into a debate on holiday

tempname1234 · 05/08/2024 09:01

I had au pairs for many years - many, many years as large age gaps in my children. We used to go as you have done now, leaving au pop sir in the home to pet sit (and pay). But, I had locks on bedroom doors and did not heave out any valuables, bank statements, credit card info etc. hard liquor in locked cabinet (this always precaution - my siblings and I used to raid our parents’ stash so I used my own history as cautionary take!)

all au sours had house rules before accepting position and your boundaries were in our house rules. Of course, drinking on nights off I had no say over.

so you’re not unreasonable on any of those things but do protect your things better going forward. Including a small safe screwed into the wall in a closet or other out if the way location, in a room that gets locked while you’re away.

nor are you unreasonable to be worried. She’s bringing fine random guy in to your home

don’t confront her now. You don’t know what might happen and you’re still away.

what I would do is start contacting her each day to ask how things are going, how’s the dog because you miss him so much, can she FaceTime him so you can se him? Be soppy about the dog. Then ask her about her plans in general chit chat way. Ask her when you can ring back next day (stipulate morning or afternoon - “what time can I FaceTime tomorrow afternoon to catch up and see sparky?” for FaceTime with the dog

Evite you think I’m crazy, my dog sitter sends me photos and videos a few times a day of my dog. She FaceTimes me when I’ve indicated I’d be free. I didn’t ask for this. It’s sort of her service and offers dog sitting.

best of luck!

charlieinthehaystack · 05/08/2024 08:53

seems that its time for her to go. I would think what you plan to do re childcare but in the meantime I would give her a phone call reminding her that you can see what is occuring while you are away. I would just worry she will clear off leaving the dog alone and house unattended.

CautiousLurker · 05/08/2024 07:55

openforall · 05/08/2024 07:38

i think she’s just living her life. She can’t be expected to restrict her social life when you’re on holiday

shes surely allowed time off and down time? You being away is the perfect time

But she’s not in her time off - she is in employed time, house and dog sitting for which she is under contract and receiving pay. If she wants to party, she should take a week off using her holiday entitlement and go home to parents/stay with boyfriend/rent an air BnB. There is no circumstance in which she is entitled to have people in her employer’s house in their absence and without permission. None.

openforall · 05/08/2024 07:38

i think she’s just living her life. She can’t be expected to restrict her social life when you’re on holiday

shes surely allowed time off and down time? You being away is the perfect time

tzb · 04/08/2024 21:34

Hey sister. Just ignore ring and be happy at the hard earned holiday.

Pippetypoppity · 04/08/2024 21:17

Think you might be right to worry for your dog. She’s not trust worthy. In fact she’s deceitful. If I were you I’d ring a reputable dog sitting agency and get someone trustworthy in there asap. You’ll need to call her and explain why. She’ll have to lump it until you get home. You then let her go as tbh your kids will very much benefit from thinking you have faith enough in them to cope as other teenagers do. You’ll be saving money so can increase their pocket money to make it even more palatable.

Mrsgreen100 · 04/08/2024 20:57

Don’t do anything right now, get her out when home , change the locks !
may drop her a text saying hope all ok with dog etc
and your cousin or freind from away somewhere maybe in need of an overnight stay at yours
as her air b and b is shit etc
but I’ll let you know ok
etc

MelainesLaugh · 04/08/2024 20:29

You definitely need to get rid. The dog running off was the last straw

What Deliveroo arrives at 3am!

August1980 · 04/08/2024 20:25

Gosh really worried about your dog…

she has broken your trust, 20 something or not, she needs to go!

Cityandmakeup · 04/08/2024 20:22

Love no one hands over a bag of tea x

AtlanticMum · 04/08/2024 20:19

OP agree with @L66 - way too comfortable in your house - and the doggy escaping is an illustration of how precarious it all is. Just be firm with her to look after dog and no more visitors until you return. She is ruining your holiday. And I would get rid of her. I had a girl like this - very nice person but I came to the conclusion that she was ‘hooking’ from my home on a website as neighbours were reporting different guys calling (I was away every weekend with DC so she had free rein). Eventually found a used condom under MY bed. And after that a £600 phone bill after her Mother came to stay. You are just being too nice.

InSpainTheRain · 04/08/2024 19:48

I wouldn't do anything now. But fire her as soon as you are back. You've let her take far too many liberties by the sounds of it.

OVienna · 04/08/2024 18:59

CautiousLurker · 03/08/2024 15:12

Unless you have someone on board back home who can come and take the dog, you are slightly stuck. And the dog’s care would be my immediate concern, frankly (have two, love them as much as my teens). If you have no-one to take the dog immediately, I’d not mention what you’ve seen in case she ups and leaves them entirely. If you can find someone, then yep, I’d get them to call around and (while they were there) I’d call to tell her what you’ve seen, the arrangements made for the dog and have that person sit in the house while she packs and leaves.

You can remotely change the passcode on your wifi, though, so maybe do that so that she cannot fiddle with the ring camera and you will pick up more. It will mean she doesn’t have wifi until you get back, but she’ll have to roll with the ‘oh dear, if it doesn’t sort itself out on its own, we’ll sort that out when we get back’ fib.

I’m afraid if she is being paid to look after your home and dog, but is using it as holiday, partying, bringing back randos… she needs to be immediately dismissed on your return. It’s breach of contract, let alone trust.

You could easily find a uni student who would act as baby-sitter/mother’s help for the hours you are looking for as it wouldn’t interfere with studies or PT weekend jobs. They’d be better role models for your kids and just as much ‘fun’ (though frankly, most teens just want to come home, chill out and do mystical teen stuff in their rooms anyway, so I’d park any unacknowledged guilt you have over your work hours and ease your teens into independence now.)

I’d personally feel a bit violated knowing random men have been in my home without my permission. You may come back and find valuables missing if she has been drunk and they’ve been given unlimited access. But for the dog, I’d be getting her out now.

Good idea to change the WiFi code.

Whenwillitgetwarm · 03/08/2024 17:34

Poor you OP. I know the feeling when somethings going down and you’re too far away to deal with it properly. In addition she’s turned what should be a fun and relaxing time for you into a stressful one. That’s the bit I’d be most resentful over.

If I were you I’d just call and ask her how everything is, don’t let on what you know yet because if you do, it may mess to more shit. But if she hears from you she may wake up to herself, clock you may know something and moderate her behaviour before you return. Then get rid. She’s a terrible influence on your kids who’ll be watching her behaviour closely.

DBD1975 · 03/08/2024 17:24

No-one is saying the dog is being abused, however, in my opinion she cannot be trusted to keep the dog safe if she allowed the dog to escape.
In addition I don't think a dog should be left alone for 6 hours.
I am sure there will be numerous people who disagree. However, I love my dog and it is my responsibility to keep him safe and there is no way I would leave him alone for 6 hours and I wouldn't entrust his care to anyone who would.

redwinechocolateandsnacks · 03/08/2024 17:12

How long have you employed her? The teens 'love her like a big sister'. So, you brought her in a couple of years ago (when she was 18) and really everyone was just a bit too old for this kind of arrangement. Could understand if she had been with you since they were younger. The whole set up is odd.

samanthablues · 03/08/2024 16:36

@Ilovelurchers you look calmly at the facts - this is a woman you have trusted to look after your kids and who, by the sounds of it, has done a very good job with that - why assume she will suddenly morph into a house-wrecking she-demon simply because she sneaked her fella in while you were away?

This. How about when you get back invite her fella for a casual tea? See what he’s all about and get a feeling for the guy. Find his name, Look him out on SM and see “what he’s up to”. He may be a decent lad, who knows. That will put your mind at ease.

OkapiSandwichAndARoastEgg · 03/08/2024 15:41

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/08/2024 15:32

But realistically what are the chances of getting a house sitter, to start IMMEDIATELY who is happy to evict the au pair... in peak holiday season?

Show quote history

Not a problem. This sort of thing happens a lot. The company I used to work for has over 300 sitters and a lot of them are married. If there was no-one available, one of the married ones would step in and go solo for the rest of that gig.

Coldfinch · 03/08/2024 15:38

@Needaholidaay Have you thought about contacting the agency? I’d say a message or phone call is needed. Just say you’ve seen worrying video footage. Remind her of her work duties and send her packing when you return. I wouldn’t want my teenage kids witness this behaviour and see me tolerate it. She needs to go - she’s a bad influence. I’ve had Au-Pairs - tell the agency!

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