DH does not want a third

I understand your yearning Op, I have 3 DC but wanted a 4th, and like yourself I love children and all they bring to life. My ex sadly didn't want anymore children, and whilst I was in hospital with our 3rd he organised a vasectomy for himself. To be fair to him I nearly died with complications in labour after my DD was born and he said he couldn't go through that again. I do think with him it was because now we had 2 sons and a daughter he felt his family was complete whereas I worried one of them would be left out and wanted a 4th. My DC have all grown up now, aged 29, 31 and 35 (no GC yet) Your DH may change his mind but I do understand how you feel. x

I wanted more but my OH was always adamant 2 was his maximum. He had a vasectomy when our youngest was 11 weeks old.
I am very glad he was firm in so many ways, as he fell ill & passed away when our youngest was 10. Both children now diagnosed ASC, our youngest has a very high level of need - I don't think I would have coped with more, emotionally or financially.
I thought I had a lot of support but his family dropped us like a lead balloon "to be in their bubble of grief together".

Is it really because you're hoping for a girl?

Two children is plenty and if your DH doesn't want more then that's that.

We were really on the fence about number 3. In all honesty after 2 boys I did want to try for a girl. We couldn't ever quite decide to go for it though and THANK FUCK we stuck at two.

We couldn't have afforded half of the amazing holidays and experiences we've had if we had another person to pay for. And buying them cars and lessons etc etc etc.

And the thought of one still at school now when I feel we are in the best place we've ever been now fills me with pure dread.

I am so glad we're a 4, we are very close and an even number works really well for us.

Maybe get a puppy?

Mumsnet is full of women who are single parents to dc whose dads never see them because they say they didn’t want them anyway. And we quite rightly get angry with those men because if you don’t want dc then you shouldn’t be having unprotected sex (or maybe any penetrative sex) if you can’t manage the consequences.

But here we are reading about a mum who has persuaded some man he wants two children when he didn’t and now wants to persuade him to have three because the woman just wants them, like children come in a set of a specific size and you just have to have them all. He is just as culpable in letting himself be persuaded and I would think very carefully if you want to push it another time with this man as it is so easy for him to walk away if he decides it wasn’t for him all along.

Sometimes there seems to be an impression that those of us with one or two children stopped there because we didn’t enjoy the baby stage as much as others or weren’t as maternal as others. Loads of us, including myself, absolutely adored the baby stage and love having children but for practical reasons or medical reasons stopped at two. You are definitely not alone in your feelings towards motherhood.

It's hormones + grieving the end of a life stage! DH and I are both from families with 3 DC so we both only wanted to have 2 but I STILL went through a stage of wanting a third when DD2 was around 1!! It lasted a couple of years.

DH would have agreed to a third for me but I'm so glad we resisted. Babies/toddlers are relatively cheap and "easy" (I use that carefully as sleep deprivation sucks). However teens are expensive and need more focus to help them navigate life/friends/school/uni etc.

None of my friends who had 3 regret it to my knowledge but their lives are harder/more complicated and I'm very glad we stuck to 2. I have a lovely dog who fills my need for cuddles/complete adoration with no backchat.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you whatsoever OP! I could have written your post myself and understand completely. I had a terrible first birth but the complete joy of being a mum made me yearn for another almost immediately. I ended up having four and yes, it was challenging at times and very expensive, but even now they’re grown up, they bring me joy every day. I’m not sure how well I would have coped if my husband had wanted to stop at two, but fortunately for me he was very supportive and laid back about it all.

It may be more problematic than you think if your husband doesn’t come round to your way of thinking because rightly or wrongly, you may find yourself deeply resentful of his decision which could then impact on your marriage.

The fact you mentioned it in the OP suggests it perhaps is more relevant than you think, even if it's subconscious. Along with being broody as soon as your last child was born I'd ask yourself seriously if this is a motivator- if it is doesn't make it bad or whatever, but your hypothetical 3rd may not be the sex you seem to want either, would you then want 4?

I thought I was done after 2, 13 years later I had another and it’s been wonderful ☺️

For context, I have an only DS. He is 19 and so I am at the other end of parenting to you.

You’re right, having babies is an amazing ing and profound experience, every mother would agree with this. But it is fleeting, that point when you are at the centre of that world. It is an amazing thing, but it is just the start of an incredible journey. Like all journeys, you need to move on to make it a successful trip.

Right now you can see how you would fit three into your life. You can see how pregnancy and baby could be accommodated.

Then imagine the point when you have 13-19, with all in adult clothing, possibly university bills, driving bills, the need to be ferrying at least one around. The exam support, the help to make life decisions. This is when the bills and the toll on your emotional reserves really mount up. (Have a look on the boards of parents with teens/ higher ed for ideas!)

And please don’t take the unbelievably stupid advice to get pregnant “accidentally”. At best it’s lying to your husband.

I was absolutely desperate for a third. Slightly different to your situation as it would have been financially difficult , but dh was done with two. It was so tough to deal with for a good five years- especially with friends and family having a third. A few things gradually helped me to accept the situation and now I’m genuinely happy I stuck with two. They are both older teens now.

1. there is no guarantee a third child will be healthy. Having a child with complex needs is hard and even more so when you have two other children. Parents in that situation have my immense respect.
2. You might have twins - can you cope with that when you have two already? I know people do but is it what you want.
3. The future - other than childcare little kids don’t cost too much. When they are older they cost a fortune. Do you want to support them through university or by helping them purchase a home. Will the help you can offer be impacted negatively if you have a third?

I personally don’t know any mums with 3 DC who work full time. Working PT can be great but often has penalties, eg career and pay progression, pension.

I've two children and won't have ANY grandchildren.

Yeah I always wanted 3rd. But my husband got snip behind my back 😂

I think its just broodiness though, as all my logic says no way. I think also accepting no more feels so final that your entering the next stage of life and that feels heavy 😂

But I think of all the positives sticking at 2. I know in time when the broodiness fades I will be relieved. I don't think I have the energy levels and emotional resilience I see a lot of parents have. 😂

My question is - has anyone had two children, wanted a third, not gone for it for whatever reason, and then been glad they stuck at 2? I can't ever imagine feeling anything but sadness and regret over it. I'd love to feel 'done' - will I feel like that in time?

I wanted three but DH was definitely done at two. They're older teens now and I still wish we'd had three. However the logical part of me knows that sticking at two was better for our family as there's no way I would have "forced" a third child on DH. He is one of three and felt that the practical and logistical aspects were harder being a family of five rather than four. And I think that he's right in that. I never felt 'done' but for me possibly part of that was that the pregnancy with DD2 was a twin one until 11 weeks so there is always a degree of 'what if' there too. But I am thankful for my two wonderful DD, many people don't get that joy.

Wait until your 2nd is in school.

Yours are still babies. Enjoy them for a bit first.

3 teens at once will not be fun!

a veto against another child always trumps the wish to have another one. You have 2 DC. why can't people be happy with what they have.

I will say all this financial stuff people are posting about having to be a SAHM doesn't ring true for me and I know plenty of mums who work with three children. I work 3 days a week and plan on continuing to do so after maternity with this one. My husband works full time. We will make use of the new nursery funding. Each of my children has a savings account that a small amount is put into each month that will then hopefully help for driving lessons etc. Other family members have also done various accounts for them (yes we are very lucky that they have been happy to do this without being asked).

I wanted a 3rd after #2. DH didn't. He was dead right and I'm very glad. It was hormones plus wanting a do-over of some aspects of #2's pregnancy and birth that didn't go "right", and it passed.

It’s valid to want what you want in life, but you don’t sound family focused. Nowhere here have you described your DH’s feelings and why he feels that way – that’s very important. Also describing that you were immediately hellbent on a third as soon as your 1yr old was born suggests you aren’t wholly on the very little ones you currently have either.

Being hyper focused, distracted and continually sad about something fictionalised is not going to be doing you or your family any good.

Can you afford 3 when you are looking at driving lessons and university (subsidised by you at £6k per child per year). You'll be relying in his wage, as your career would have taken a serious bashing, as being a sahp is the only viable option with 3 dc - the most you can hope to achieve is an around school work at minimum wage - unless you work for yourself.
As the eldest of 3 I would say stick to 2, after my mum being exhausted from looking after the baby and then the toddler, I had to learn to be very independent very quickly.

Pregnant with my third now. 27 months between my first two, then will be just under 4 years between #2 and #3. I'd park the idea for 18 months and then revisit. I think three with a small age gap would be harder - this has given us some time to get back to ourselves a bit first. You may both find that your feelings have changed by then too.

We had our third one and husband left telling me he loves our kids but he never wanted them in the first place, that I forced them on him

Agree with this.

Sounds like a 3rd wouldn't be enough either op going off your reasons.

I wanted a 3rd, but in the end 2 is more than enough extra humans to bring into the shitty world and I feel incredibly lucky I was able to have and afford 2. Some can't.

Focus on what you have.