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AIBU?

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Original poster

How much to give brother for honeymoon?

131 replies

Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 21:01

My youngest brother (29) puts very little effort in with our family. He has quite a needy, overbearing girlfriend who often dictates his schedule, and they spend a lot of time with her very close family who live near them. I haven't seen him since a family funeral in 2020 and we haven't spoken for at least 18 months - he rarely replies to my messages and never reaches out to me, so I just stopped. It's a shame, but just accepted he's happy living his own life, he doesn't owe me contact. He sporadically messages our other brother and dad back about football stuff, and speaks to our mum from time to time.

He's getting married in March, I've just received an email invite and link to the wedding website which is asking for donations for their honeymoon. They want to go to Japan in April for the cherry blossoms. What's a reasonable amount to contribute? He's my brother, but we have basically no relationship so not sure what to do. Aibu to only contribute about £50?

OP posts:
Mykingdom2024 · 03/08/2024 03:29

My cheeky brother’s wedding cost us £200 in train travel plus a hotel for about £150, then new outfits for me, my husband and 2 children, plus taxis to get to and from the venue, meals out and about. He asked for a contribution to his honeymoon too on top! Needless to say I didn’t give him any money. I never asked for any gifts for my wedding as I knew how much it costs for people to attend. I think wedding presents/money are outdated now.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 03/08/2024 03:15

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 02/08/2024 22:01

I voted that UABU, but only because you're actually considering contributing to his honeymoon. I think he's got a bloody nerve to ask for contributions from people that he hasn't bothered with for months on end, and especially a family member. Will you even go to the wedding OP? Personally, I wouldn't bother.

Sure as hell wouldn’t contribute to a holiday in Japan!

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2024 03:07

Kitkatcatflap · 03/08/2024 02:22

Will lots of your family be invited? If so, i would look at it as an opportunity to catch up with all the relatives you haven't seen for ages. If you consider the wedding as a kind of device then 100 quid for both of you (50 if you are not) doesn't seem so outrageous

This was how I was thinking of it - a family event, chance to chat to all the family together. So I'd go, and £50 - £100 range seems fine too.

Kitkatcatflap · 03/08/2024 02:22

Will lots of your family be invited? If so, i would look at it as an opportunity to catch up with all the relatives you haven't seen for ages. If you consider the wedding as a kind of device then 100 quid for both of you (50 if you are not) doesn't seem so outrageous

YorkshireTeaBiscuits · 03/08/2024 02:08

I'd go and nake a big deal of saying in front of the guests how nice to see him after all these years. Such a shame it had to be at his wedding and not before, would be great to have a post wedding catch up. Especially since you have contributed to his honeymoon, you'd like to see the pictures blah, blah. Make him squirm a bit.

ZebraD · 03/08/2024 01:59

Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 23:48

Well yeah this is the thing. Won't be acknowledged or appreciated and he won't see/speak to me again for years. I'm actually wondering about just not engaging or going to the wedding now.

Show quote history

You have been acknowledged enough to get an invite…

pinkducky · 02/08/2024 23:57

I got married recently and asked for money towards our honeymoon too (as we already own a house together and don't need more stuff!). Most couples gave £100. Some gave more, a few gave less. £50 was the least we received, but we did get that from a few people.

Original poster
Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 23:48

crockofshite · 02/08/2024 22:07

I'd say £100 if 2 of you are going to the wedding.

But do you really want to go?

You'll probably never hear from him again even if you do attend.

Well yeah this is the thing. Won't be acknowledged or appreciated and he won't see/speak to me again for years. I'm actually wondering about just not engaging or going to the wedding now.

OP posts:
JMSA · 02/08/2024 23:47

suburberphobe · 02/08/2024 22:14

His choice to go to Japan.

Doesn't mean you have to pay for it.

I wouldn't even be going to the wedding frankly. So much expense.....

Just chill out at home.

Good God almighty.

JMSA · 02/08/2024 23:46

I gave my brother £200.

He doesn't make a huge effort with the family either, but he's still my wee brother and I actually like him Confused

Original poster
Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 23:45

And also, even if I don't go to the wedding I think there will still be an expectation to donate to his honeymoon. It's sort of suggested on the website that they want contributions ahead of the wedding so they can book the trip for April..!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 23:43

My partner has suggested we don't go, and just say we've already booked a holiday that clashes. Otherwise it could look like I'm annoyed with him or something? Which I'm really not that bothered, I think I'm over him being indifferent to everyone else, selfish and lazy lol. Also I think my mum would be very sad if we're not all there together as a family. I suspect she might ask if I could change the dates of my fictional holiday. Could get complicated. Tough call.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 02/08/2024 22:24

TheSmallAssassin · 02/08/2024 22:20

You don't have to "cover your plate", people invite guests to celebrate their occasion with them, it's not a financial transaction. If you can't afford to pay for people to come, invite fewer people, or have a cheaper wedding.

That's a very American thing where your gift value is supposed to cover their plate. Not a UK thing at all.

TheSmallAssassin · 02/08/2024 22:20

You don't have to "cover your plate", people invite guests to celebrate their occasion with them, it's not a financial transaction. If you can't afford to pay for people to come, invite fewer people, or have a cheaper wedding.

78Summer · 02/08/2024 22:15

He is your brother. Give what you can afford.

suburberphobe · 02/08/2024 22:14

His choice to go to Japan.

Doesn't mean you have to pay for it.

I wouldn't even be going to the wedding frankly. So much expense.....

Just chill out at home.

Hawkerslife · 02/08/2024 22:10

Why does the value of your gift need to be based on how frequently you have contact with him?

If you're asking if you can get away with only gifting him £50 because you don't have much contact with him then I'd question why you'd even bother going.

If you want to go, gift him something to cover your meals. If you don't want to go because you don't have a relationship with him then don't go.

crockofshite · 02/08/2024 22:07

I'd say £100 if 2 of you are going to the wedding.

But do you really want to go?

You'll probably never hear from him again even if you do attend.

Saltedbutter · 02/08/2024 22:06

£100/£150 to at least trying and cover my portion of attending the day.

ZebraD · 02/08/2024 22:03

If you are going I think £100. He is your brother no matter what. Be happy for him and help him celebrate a lovely day, or else why are you going?!

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 02/08/2024 22:01

I voted that UABU, but only because you're actually considering contributing to his honeymoon. I think he's got a bloody nerve to ask for contributions from people that he hasn't bothered with for months on end, and especially a family member. Will you even go to the wedding OP? Personally, I wouldn't bother.

Bigcat25 · 02/08/2024 21:55

I would give more if you can afford it, the point is not so much how close you are, but bc you're going to the wedding and there's two of you.

Lamelie · 02/08/2024 21:30

I’d give at least £100 to cover my plate.

Luminousalumnus · 02/08/2024 21:28

Really if I attended my brother's wedding I couldn't give only £50!
If you are estranged turn down the invitation, but if you are going to attend surely it has to be at least £100

Original poster
Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 21:23

Yes, I'm going to go to the wedding with my partner, the rest of my family will be going. For context, he's the first of us siblings to get married so there's no wedding gift precedent or anything.

OP posts:
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