How much to give brother for honeymoon?

I would do as pp's said and go have a good time with the rest of your family. There's no bitterness at the moment but there might be if you don't go or don't give a gift. If it's not difficult to do so I would give £100 as they couldn't complain about that to anyone.

And just to add, the way you talk about his fiance as being needy and controlling probably doesn't help. Do you think they're both aware you might think this?

Me and my oh are distant from my sil but not because I'm needy and controlling but because we get the impression she doesn't like me very much.

It's always the 'outsider' that gets the blame for poor family dynamics when actually the reason lies closer to home.

He’s your brother. You are not close but no falling out. He has invited you and your partner to the full wedding. Most people would be on mumsnet bleating if they hadn’t been invited.

I think you should go to the wedding for a start. It will cause offence if you don’t go without a very good reason (a weekend away would’t cut it) and likely completely sour your relationship for good. Your mum will be disappointed that all her children aren’t there too.

As for a present - I do think it is horrid to ask for “donations” to a honeymoon, but it’s pretty commonly accepted now. Realistically most couples have set up house and don’t want a load of crystal glasses, so it makes sense for guests to gift cash or even gift cards so they can choose something they value or is needed.

I think as a couple going to a wedding the minimum gift is £100. I sometimes get currency if I know they are going on honeymoon, you could choose that option to make it feel less transactional and more gift-like. Anything less I feel is stingy, especially for a sibling. I would still gift something even if I couldn’t attend.

You need to ask yourself if there is a particular reason you don’t want to go or is it just because you are offended at the cash donation suggestion? Also, how much would you normally spend on a wedding gift when you were attending the full thing, compared against what you’d do if invited but unable to attend a wedding.

I think it’s a mistake to fabricate an excuse - it will just cause grief you can’t undo.

He wouldn't squirm. She'd just get a lot of side eye "you weirdo" looks.

@FranceIsWhereItsAt
Do you not give wedding gifts when you attend? When asked for cash do you buy something anyway?
OP people are entitled to live their lives. It sounds a case of you having nothing in common and him valuing his time. You see his GF as needy, they might both want that type of relationship and be perfectly happy. It's a good excuse for a family get together. You give at least £100, he is your brother, even if he doesn't live in your pocket. You might find things shift as they move into their 30's. I know that it did for my eldest and her DP. What foes 'not rngaging' mean? You've got to either accept or decline the invite.

Sometimes in their 20s people focus on relationships / friends / travel but when they settle down their focus can return to family. I know l appreciate my own family more now than in my 20s. My ds is 29 and his focus is on all the above. Absolutely do go! You can never undo not going. Look forward to catching up with family and having a day out. Wish them the best and give him at least 100..in lreland it would be more even to a neighbours wedding.

Don't overspend on fancy outfits . Go even for your mom's sake. She doesn't deserve to be drawn into drama between her dc.

I’d give £100

How about this?

I wouldn't bother replying. You aren't obliged by law to give anything if you don't otherwise have any relationship with him and he makes zero effort other than to email you a link to his online begging bowl.

But I'm probably not the right person to ask, as I hold no truck with people who do nothing to build a relationship but are quite happy to take money when it suits them.

he's hardly going to come knocking on your door demanding you to donate.

keep the £50 and spent it on something that makes you happy.

Don't go to the wedding. He's either selfish and doesn't care about his family or he has a controlling fiancée (maybe both). I wouldn't go to the wedding if I were you. If you do, then maybe £50 (so £25 each from you and DP). Her family can fund the honeymoon and wedding if she hates your family so much.

will he know how much or little you have given?

I would give £100 as a gift if you can afford it, & attend the wedding.

At the end of the day, he is still your brother & I think it would be petty not to attend his wedding when at the very least it would be an opportunity to see your family, including him for once!

I agree £100 seems a decent amount if you can afford it. I give £50 to friends so think family would be a bit more. But any amount is fine if you are strapped for cash.

He sounds awful. I don't think I would bother going to the wedding, and he could whistle for any money.

Your partner is making suggestions that will cause tension with your family members for the rest of your life. You said yourself your mum would be sad if you weren't all there.

Never mind focusing on your brothers partner, take a long look at yours.

£50 is fine if it is what you can afford but I would try for at least £100

You should go, he'll always be your brother. £50 is a bit light, £100 if you can.

Your relationship may change as you get older and children come along:
I would do £100 in these circumstances.

Since when are gifts intended to be back payments to cover guest costs? Of course someone shouldn't expect enough gift money to cover the cost of a wedding!

£50 is fine OP. If he ever asks, it sounds like you'd be fair to ignore him (like he does you) or explain to him that's all you can afford at the moment.

Getting married and having a wedding should be about the bride and grooms desire to do so and to have their loved ones there to witness and celebrate it. Not about gifts, money and inviting long lost relatives.

Like a few others have said, I’d treat it as a good way to catch up with everyone else. I’d give £100.

But you are probably right not to expect great thanks and more contact. It’s sad but not all siblings are close.

Do you want to go to the wedding? If the answer is no then do not go.

Needing to give a gift/cash enough to 'cover your plate': What a hideous expression and philosophy, on both sides. Is that what weddings have become? You probably shouldn't burn bridges with your brother, but I would massively resent being expected to contribute to the holidays of adults I had no real relationship with. If money was in any way tight for me I wouldn't want to do it at all.

@RawBloomers
That's lovely.
Best advice.
Don't burn your bridges.
It'll be nice to see the family and you may even have fun.

I would go, and give £100 (assuming this isn’t an amount that will cause you any difficulty), mainly for the sake of the rest of the family but also just so as not to burn a bridge. It’s not as though this is going to happen every month.

This was my experience that informs the advice above:
I haven’t exactly been estranged from my brother, but we didn’t contact each other for, nearly, a couple of decades. Only saw/texted when other family were involved. But I went to his wedding and gave a reasonable gift (and he came to mine and gave a reasonable gift). And then, when my mum was on her own and in ill health, he looked after her and I helped where I could and paid more financially (he lived much closer). We still had enough of a connection with no burnt bridges, so it wasn’t awkward and there was no resentment. And from that we’ve built up more of a relationship and do actually contact each other from time to time and get together with our kids. And my mum’s last few years were much, much better because my brother and I were happy to get on.

He is your brother so I'd go to the wedding. I wouldn't send a gift. I think it's weird to expect money from your close family. My siblings on both sides and my parents didn't give wedding gifts.

I wouldn't give money in advance of a wedding anyway.

I would give him £50 in lottery lottery money