Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Prudish or rightly offended

61 replies

Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 15:21

Moved into a new team at work and not too sure what to do. It is a professional role and a shared office. Most of the team are great but one member makes explicit sexual references and comments all the time, anything innocent gets twisted. The others ignore or humour him, but I find it really uncomfortable and it seems I am the only one. What would you do.

OP posts:
Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 19:50

Thank you Ladies, will address it and let you know outcome. Expecting it was just a joke but we will see x

OP posts:
LakieLady · 02/08/2024 19:50

Your post practically gave me flashbacks, OP. He sounds just like an asshat I used to work with in the early 90s. That behaviour is puerile and tedious.

Do you have any idea how the rest of the team feel about his behaviour? If they all think it's just fun and bantz, addressing it may make you unpopular with your peers. If some of them don't like it either, there may be scope to address it as a group.

Otherwise, I think this needs to be taken to a manager. Check out what the employer's sexual harrassment policy says the process is, and if there's any reference to this sort of sexually explicit talk in the workplace, that will show you how to proceed. If it's unclear (or there is no such policy!), speak to your line manager and explain how it's making you feel. If nothing is done, take it to HR. Document everything, too.

When it was happening to me, it was in a very behind the times local authority, I was on an all-male team and the first woman to do that job at that council. They didn't even have a sexual harrassment policy until I'd been there around 18 months. But once they did, I just said one day "Fred, the council approved the sexual harrassment policy last week. Please don't make me be the first person to use it." He had a face like a slapped arse at that, but he never came out with smut and sex talk in my presence again.

MounjaroUser · 02/08/2024 19:49

Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 18:56

Types of comments, discussing genitals, breasts, ovaries and ejaculation mainly.

WTF! Report it quoting everything.

Thevelvelletes · 02/08/2024 19:47

Is Benny hill your role model if so the 1970s wants you back.
Or the direct approach...shut up you idiot.

OlympicsFanGirl · 02/08/2024 19:45

Not prudish. It's not acceptable at work.

Either challenge it directly or complain through the appropriate channels

newtlover · 02/08/2024 19:35

Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 18:57

Might add trying to pass round explicit clips from the internet

that takes it to a whole new level
go to HR

Sitdownrosa · 02/08/2024 19:28

It's sexual harassment. It doesn't have to be aimed at you to be harassment. I would raise it with a line manager.

heavenisaplaceonearth · 02/08/2024 19:22

Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 18:57

Might add trying to pass round explicit clips from the internet

Then just jump straight to HR. That’s massively overstepping.

Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 18:57

Might add trying to pass round explicit clips from the internet

OP posts:
Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 18:56

Types of comments, discussing genitals, breasts, ovaries and ejaculation mainly.

OP posts:
jackstini · 02/08/2024 16:36

What kind of things does he say?

Pluvia · 02/08/2024 16:31

Absolutely not acceptable in a modern office environment, OP, and certainly not prudish. It's unprofessional and runs the risk of bringing the organisation into disrepute. Does he talk this way in front of clients/ members of the public? If so, I'd escalate it immediately. It's inappropriate behaviour. If you dare, speak out in front of the team. Just a calm but firm 'I really dislike this innuendo. We're at work and I don't find it appropriate or professional.' I'm sure others will applaud you, if silently. Then if he continues, escalate to a formal complaint.

Does your company have a policy handbook? Check for anything in there regarding language and banter at work. Some companies include it under sexual harassment. It should be taken seriously by HR.

Conniebygaslight · 02/08/2024 16:15

Would/could it be classed as sexual harassment?

wwyd2021medicine · 02/08/2024 16:09

What's your manager like? At my workplace, a private word with the manager would have seen this sorted pronto.

heavenisaplaceonearth · 02/08/2024 16:04

Women are always the problem if they won’t take verbal abuse banter. I’d be very tempted to just say “do you ever shut the fuck up?” But I have a short fuse for people repeatedly being annoying.

Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 15:58

Bang on, if you don’t find it funny you are the problem

OP posts:
heavenisaplaceonearth · 02/08/2024 15:54

I would put money on him going something along the lines of shushing dramatically, or saying “teachers here”, etc etc once you’ve said it, so I would not a couple of times down in your diary, then go head on with asking to stop. If he does try to mock you go straight to HR.

CowGirl19 · 02/08/2024 15:49

Please dont ignore this. If its an established team you'e moved in to I suspect the other team members that are ignoring or humouring him may have already said something to him in the past - but because nothing was done - he's just continued.

Ask him to stop. Tell him his comments/jokes are offensive.
If he does't stop or even tries to justify his behaviour "No one else minds...." then take it up with his manager or HR.

Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 15:45

Thank you all. I feel very isolated and think I will be the bad guy, but will take it further.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 02/08/2024 15:43

Could you ask him to repeat it? They rarely do
Or act stupid "you mentioned doing it and laughed, what were you laughing at? we were talking about who is making the coffee, were you confused?"

Badlands1 · 02/08/2024 15:41

I bet a lot of the team are also not happy about it but as they have not said anything before they find it difficult now. I had a similar situation but being new you can just confront him - when I flagged it quite a few (particularly women who were less senior) told me how grateful they were

Don't ignore it

Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 15:35

Sadly there are more women than men, that is the bit I am struggling with.

OP posts:
Clueless2024 · 02/08/2024 15:34

Winedanddined · 02/08/2024 15:32

It is pretty pathetic to listen to and any attempt to shut it down seems to spur him on.

Start referring to him as Mr Sleaze, in front of him & the team. Tell him, loudly, he is embarrassing himself.

Pallisers · 02/08/2024 15:34

very next time say "John, if I have to listen to one more highly inappropriate and offensive comment from you, I will report you to HR"

EdinaMonsoon · 02/08/2024 15:33

This sounds draining. Confront it head on with him. If it continues take it to HR. There’s no room for this outdated & immature nonsense. You never know, once you raise it your other colleagues might be supportive and relieved.

Swipe left for the next trending thread