Page 6 | To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

Batteredcodmushypeasandafalafal · 03/08/2024 18:17

Cantdoothis · 03/08/2024 07:41

@MummyJ36 I have my own outgoings though and it feels scary to cut my income. I am desperate now though so maybe I just have to do it. I would lose around 600 a month so it feels huge.

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Do you get single person council tax discount? Universal credit to help with mortgage/rent? Have you tried the turn2 benefits calculator? Could you hire a babysitter one evening a week and do an evening class?

Grammarnut · 03/08/2024 18:15

brightyellowflower · 03/08/2024 12:21

Doesn't sound that tricky to me :S One child at nursery all day. Plus time off every weekend when they're with their Dad. I have barely seen my husband as we work opposite shifts to avoid high childcare charges. I was at home all day with 3 under age 2 and then at work all everning. Repeat and rinse every day.
Does need putting into perspective. I highly doubt 95% of women have it easier than this!

That's a little judgemental. You did have a DH to look after the children while you worked. I don't know why the OP works in the evenings, but my DD (no DCs) seems to work long hours, which to me sound unreasonable.

We probably need Labour to incept its legislation preventing contact with employees outside office hours!

BettyBoo000 · 03/08/2024 18:14

Cantdoothis · 02/08/2024 14:59

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

It’s really hard and I do empathise with you. I’ve been there myself it does get easier.
Try putting a day holiday in drop the wee one at nursery come home and chill out in bed with a movie or Netflix snacks or a nice bath. Listen to music then go get the wee one . Or if you can afford it book yourself a massage or swim or a walk somewhere nice with a coffee having some time to yourself definitely helps. It will get easier and it will get better ❤️

ExpatAl · 03/08/2024 18:13

Your ex hubby needs to do much much more for his children. At the very least entire weekends or every other week. He is their father, their other parent. I really advise having a frank discussion with him. Obviously writing it is way way easier than doing it 😬

Big hugs op. It will get better. I found making a menu for her a week, sometimes 10 days with built in stress takeaway removes so much stress. If tempers are frayed tortillas and fill your own are a winner. Maybe your dc would like to help? When little dd used to make us pitta and humus with cucumber and tomato. Maybe they could make meatballs or burgers & chose the flavours. It breaks the grind and lightens the mood. Courage 🤗

BettyBoo000 · 03/08/2024 18:13

It’s really hard and I do empathise with you. I’ve been there myself it does get easier.
Try putting a day holiday in drop the wee one at nursery come home and chill out in bed with a movie or Netflix snacks or a nice bath. Listen to music then go get the wee one . Or if you can afford it book yourself a massage or swim or a walk somewhere nice with a coffee having some time to yourself definitely helps. It will get easier and it will get better ❤️

Hanz01743 · 03/08/2024 18:12

Its life. Its not meant to be fun and easy. Its meant to be a trial. Its how you recognise the good moments. That's probably a part of you that hasn't adjusted to the reality of what your life is over the picture of fault that you had of what your life would be. I've been a single mum since day one I have three beautiful kids two of which are disabled and there are times where you want to throw the towel in.. That is ok it is just life and it makes the good points all that much better you take a breath you scream and you keep going

Supersares · 03/08/2024 18:12

Just wanted to say that I totally feel for you and know how tough it can be at times. As others have said, it will get easier but that doesn’t help you right now. Can you batch cook any of your own food? That could save time. Also, when I was wfh I was able to fit in some household chores around my work….is that feasible in any way for you? Sending hugs as I know what it feels like… think most working mums have been where you are at some point x

Grammarnut · 03/08/2024 18:11

I think you are depressed and need help, apart from practical things like online shopping (set up an online list that you always have to start with, and just add bits you want extra each time you shop), also ready meals are a bonus and no harm. Get a cleaner even if it's only one morning a week (DD does this). But see your GP, because you need more than just the practicalities, you need help to lift your sense of futility and helplessness.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/08/2024 18:10

It is relentless and being the only parent 95% of the time, I just can't imagine. So full on with a young child. It's not the same as a DP working long hours or away. They presumably still care and are involved and invested in the DC. Your ex sounds very hands off and doing the minimum. It's disgusting he can get away with it.

PP have commented on your long working hours - a full day and then evening work as well - and this stands out to me too. Can you find any pockets of time for something fun - an evening a friend comes over for a takeaway? A lunchtime walk/cafe break for an hour? What are weekends like, can you combine seeing friends with an outing with your dd? It all depends what you are missing most - exercise, friends, alone time? For me it was friends, so meeting them made a big difference to my mood.

tribalmango · 03/08/2024 18:03

Could you see if you can condense your hours so you get a day off? Or flexible working?

OP already fills each moment of her day; I don't see how she could work more hours some days to free up a whole day.

Fuzzykins · 03/08/2024 18:01

Could you see if you can condense your hours so you get a day off? Or flexible working?
I know it’s not easy, especially when you are on your own and no family to help. What I will say though is that it does become easier when little ones grow and whilst it feels never ending now, you will look back and see how quickly the time went. Obviously there are still challenges when they are older but they are different.

definitely look into getting a cleaner, use the slow cooker to cook meals, do bathtime every 2 days etc. Make small changes to help x

Wick55 · 03/08/2024 17:56

I only have one baby so far and a husband that works a lot of hours including night work. I have a lovely family and MIL to help me and I still feel depleted and tired. I really feel for you and understand why you feel this way, it’s the relentlessness of it all. I’m sorry this isn’t helpful but you aren’t failing you are doing amazingly, and it’s really fucking hard.

Despair1 · 03/08/2024 17:47

I hear u OP ,have been there and got the t-shirt.
Wasn't able to wfh and had no financial support or a car. Like living on a hamster wheel, never ends and always on catch up.
Please take care of yourself. Caring for very young children is exhausting

DBD1975 · 03/08/2024 13:56

Please make an appointment to talk to your GP and please have a look at Kinship Carers, not sure if they operate in your area but if they do they would want to help.

Bluecarnations · 03/08/2024 13:54

Qanat53 · 02/08/2024 20:07

Just be grateful your child is healthy. If you need to feel lucky, visit paediatrics at hospital and see what others parents are having to cope with.

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Oh enough of that.
It's not a competition. By the same thread those same parents with sick children should feel lucky to have healthcare available & not have an ill child in a war torn country. Don't be so ridiculous. It's okay to feel how you feel. You can have compassion for other people and feel grateful at the same time as finding things really hard.

Meadowwild · 03/08/2024 13:47

DeathNote11 · 03/08/2024 11:11

The majority of them know exactly what it's like. They know it's a barless prison & that is exactly why they do it. 50/50 parenting shouldn't just be 'assumed' after a break-up, it should be enforced & refusers electronically tagged to ensure their wings are as severely clipped as their chosen, unpaid, nannies.

OP, I'm so sorry he has trapped you in this manner, it's coercive control & it's not right. I look forward to the day when men like him are held accountable for their abuse.

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I totally agree with you on this. Why TF is 50/50 optional?

brightyellowflower · 03/08/2024 12:21

Doesn't sound that tricky to me :S One child at nursery all day. Plus time off every weekend when they're with their Dad. I have barely seen my husband as we work opposite shifts to avoid high childcare charges. I was at home all day with 3 under age 2 and then at work all everning. Repeat and rinse every day.
Does need putting into perspective. I highly doubt 95% of women have it easier than this!

Pintu · 03/08/2024 12:08

You can't force anyone to parent be it the mother or father. Practically you could make a few little tweaks like batch cooking. I think though some therapy might help. You must be in real burnout/be neurodiverse or whatever to be this stressed. It might be helpful to talk it through with someone. I think taking a half day off a week to yourself is a great idea. You could use annual leave for a few months and see how much it changes things.

DeathNote11 · 03/08/2024 11:11

Meadowwild · 02/08/2024 15:22

Tell him. Very calmly and nicely explain to him that you need his support as you are breaking point with exhaustion working and being a single mum 24/7. Speak to him as though you assume he is a reasonable man and let him know that he doesn't understand how exhausting and trapping it is, but he really must spend more time with her and give you a proper break at least once a week or you will get really ill. Tell him it's beyond optional at this point, It is essential that he is compassionate and starts to understand the challenge of being a single, working parent day in day out. You work a job, and then you work an unpaid job. You never ever ever get to eat a meal in peace, go to the loo in peace, watch a TV show in peace. he doesn't get how hard it is but you are asking him to try to understand and be a better fellow parent.

Do you get on well enough for him to stay over at your house some weekends, while you go and sleep at a friends or cheap travelodge just to get an unbroken night's sleep?

Posts like this bring out a horrible, bitter side too me where I start to hate men for their selfish indifference to women's load. It's so convenient for them not to 'get' it.

The majority of them know exactly what it's like. They know it's a barless prison & that is exactly why they do it. 50/50 parenting shouldn't just be 'assumed' after a break-up, it should be enforced & refusers electronically tagged to ensure their wings are as severely clipped as their chosen, unpaid, nannies.

OP, I'm so sorry he has trapped you in this manner, it's coercive control & it's not right. I look forward to the day when men like him are held accountable for their abuse.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/08/2024 11:08

MantisAndCrumpet · 02/08/2024 15:33

That sounds really hard and I’m not surprised you are feeling that it never stops.

I can see it feels never ending at the moment (‘relentless’ is definitely how I’d describe the early years) but I promise it will get better.

Things that I found helped me (I appreciate everyone is different so sorry if none of these are any use to you)-

having lower standards. I stopped comparing myself to others, or to myself pre children, and ‘all fed nobody dead’ was my mantra for a time. As long as you and your child are fed and clean, and the child is cared for, that’s a win. The house doesn’t need to look like a show home, merely not like an environmental health hazard etc
using pockets of time. Rather than hoping for a free afternoon to get on top of the housework, I started opportunistically using the 5 minutes when the kettle boiled to wipe the baked beans off the front of all the cupboards, or the 5 minutes whilst child was engrossed with a toy to manage just a couple of pages of a book. Seriously, if I could have been as efficient pre children as I was after, who knows what I could’ve achieved?!
manage to fit in some exercise every day, somehow- my previous gym life, and even runs, were out, but crazy dancing with the children in the living room or running from one end of the park to the other became my new alternatives
take joy in the little things in life - I really missed the coffee shop catch ups with friends and the trips to interesting places, but after a period of mourning (and accepting the time would come for me to do fun things again) I started looking for little joys. I got a favourite mug to have my tea in (I eventually got a tea pot too!) and every time I used that mug I smiled. I got some nice bright plates that were just for me and likewise smiled when I had my crumpets on them. I got a nice pen so I could enjoy how the ink flowed when writing shopping lists. I noticed the pretty flowers on the walk to school. I looked at clouds when doing the washing up. Anything to help put a bit of joy into my life so i had the energy to put joy into my children’s life
be kind to myself/judge myself less harshly- I used to get frustrated at cooking, but then I realised eggs on toast is not a terrible meal (as long as it’s not every day). Batch cooking was also my friend.

Good luck, it will get easier and it’s ok to feel cheated that it’s not how you’d hoped

This is helpful.

Drop your standards.Beans on wholemeal toast is an acceptable meal.

Do only essentials.

It gets easier when she is a bit older.

It's hard. I had two autistic kids from 2 and 4 (but didn't work as they needed so much care)

You are doing really well keeping it going. Well done.

tensmum1964 · 03/08/2024 11:06

Him being 2 hrs away isn't an excuse for not having her overnight. He could at least do Friday eve until Saturday tea time. Why isn't this happening? Who chose to move two hours away, you or him?

PrueRamsay · 03/08/2024 11:04

@Cantdoothis you haven’t responded to the questions about your family. Are they local? Can you move closer to family and friends who would help?

If not, can you move to where DDs father lives so he can do more?

Animatic · 03/08/2024 11:01

Cantdoothis · 02/08/2024 18:09

@Animatic this is the problem, I can’t do any of these things

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Do you work on the weekends when your daughter is with her dad?

ThankTheLord · 03/08/2024 10:55

Another thought, can you find a childminder who lives near you?

This would give you time back.

ThankTheLord · 03/08/2024 10:47

OP, can you compress your hours into 4 days, and only reduced them slightly?

To enable a full days rest, but not losing a full days money?

I really do feel for you, small kids are exhausting, it is relentless.

Go easy on yourself.