To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

There was a time a while back when I tried to fill out some sort of a questionnaire and I had to tick either sole breadwinner or full-time carer but you could not tick both, and I was both at the time. I just cried and did not fill it in, but it showed me that you should not be both. Sometimes we have to cope, I took to having a drink at night to knock me out, bad I know, but it was to have a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, otherwise any slight noise from next door room my caree was in could rouse me and I had to work the following day, every day. You will cope.

First of all this is shit I’ve been in your position and it is incredibly lonely and isolating and feels like Groundhog Day. My advice would be drop your expectations of what life is for you at the minute, your in a hard phase of motherhood but it will get easier so hang in there. As a single parent you could look into reducing your hours and topping up your income with UC if you can. If your little one is going to school in a few years part time hours might have to suit you best anyway if you’re on your own with her. Prioritise yourself in the evenings with self care, start meditation do some yoga when she’s in bed. Make sure you skincare and make up is good - make effort with yourself, make time for self pleasure. Get Amazon prime where you can get Morrisons shopping delivered same day, it’s a game changer. Get a cleaner if your housework is getting you down to the point it’s unbearable. Do everything and anything you can to make your life easier. Start living your life and don’t waste anymore time wishing it away. There will be support from groups in your area if you look for it. Good luck ❤️

I think this is good advice.

At 2 he could have her overnight or 9-6 full days

Fwiw i LOVE my dd and ds but if i had to do it alone id dont know how i'd cope and i think im pretty competent/ resilient (i do have high standards though... which doesnt help)
Basically, You are not an arsehole for struggling.

hi - It is relentless. Pointless comparing "I did this with 3 under 3" malarkey! It is simply relentless. No matter what your set up - you would have had these moments. When it is all too much and the drowning kicks in, and it often does, I go back to "surviving" chunks of time - next 5 minutes, 10 minute blocks, half hour segments, half days, weeks, months - and back to 5 minutes when I need to. That's my only advice. My only reflection is that it does get easier - but appreciate you're not in a position to see that far yet.

You can cope, because you have, because you care.

Do everything you can to simplify anything you can? Your basic core will get you through.

Unpopular opinion coming up but this is just being a parent. Why are you working again in the evening? If your daughter is at nursery during the day, this should be enough time for a days work. Are you being paid for these additional hours?

@Cantdoothis I get it. My ex has my DC for 6 hours every two weeks. The rest of the time it's just the two of us. I've worked full time and went to part time (taking a massive financial hit in the process), and am about to go to uni to retrain. Luckily for me my DC is older, and it does get easier in that respect. But yeah, it's thankless and gruelling. I don't get nights out, I rarely get to see friends unless they come to mine and then I'm regularly interrupted.

Things I do to help:

Started batch cooking on weekends. It's a ball ache but it means I feel less bad about slamming something in the microwave if I know it's homemade.

I bought a second hand Fitbit and a step for my bedroom to get my steps up. Sometimes I put music on and DC joins in.

I started to write a journal, and visualised where I wanted my life to be in a year from now.

I go to bed when DC goes. My bedroom is my haven. I light candles, watch a movie on my laptop, or read a book.

Fuck the housework off most of the time. 😅 It's clean and tidy and I'm not going to beat myself up if there's cobwebs everywhere.

It does slowly get better. You get more of yourself back. DC is my little pal. And you'll get to a point where you can see space for your life to become more of what you'd like it to be.

Best wishes OP.

It doesn't really matter what his reason is.
The fact is he is choosing not to do more and OP is not responsible for this or able to change it.

OP I was in the same position 12 years ago. (DS is now 14 and has yet to spend a night at his dad's )
The toddler years were awful and relentless. I only managed by reducing my hours and leaving DS in nursery so that I had some breathing space. Looking back now I wish I had used a regular babysitter to actually fo out and have a bit of an adult life however I think I was just too exhausted at the time to sort myself out to do this.
It will get better from here. Lower your standards and do whatever you need to do to survive

It’s so so tough being a single mum with an ex who definitely could do more!! My son is 13 now but I was you. It’s horrible. Children are hard if there’s 2 of you but when you’re on your own it feels relentless. No time for yourself and no one to help. But, from the point you’re at, it will very quickly get easier. I promise!! You can do this 💪

This sounds so tough. Have you considered dropping a day at work and just doing everything on that one day?

In fairness, I think that is because you can’t force a parent to actually parent. Telling op what the dad should and shouldn’t be doing wont help her.

Can you not ask your ex if he can at least take the little one overnight every 2nd weekend? So at least you both have every 2nd weekend to yourselves?

Single parenting is tough and incredibly lonely. I think you can totally lose your sense of self in it all and end up feeling hugely hemmed in and trapped by the weight of responsibility.

I did ten years solo with very limited support. Things that worked for me were;

Booking a babysitter - usually a friend/friend's teenage child/family member. It's often expensive but reminded me I could get out.

Day off when the kids were in childcare. Essential for sanity.

Low standards when need be - beige tea, breakfast for tea.

Catching up with mates by phone whenever possible and not sugar coating how shit is was.

Doing some things I loved - my commute was spent listening to audio books just to have a non work adult voice in my day!

Getting out as often as I could with the kids - with other people, just for some fresh air. Anything that make a change.

I'd have killed for a cleaner but had no cash. No involved dad either - so frustrating that they can just walk away.

A fellow single mum summed it up though when she said you can have all the help in the word but when you've put the milk in the wrong cup at 7am and it's all ended in tears there's no one else to pick up the pieces.

My practical advice would be to lower your standards, and then lower them some more. Outsource everything that you can. It’s survival mode right now but it won’t always be like that.

Oh and ignore everyone playing shit life Olympics, just because other people have it ‘worse’ doesn’t mean you can’t want better!

Please don't do this. Having the other involved, committed parent who gives a shit about YOU and is on your team is a totally different thing to parenting with an ex, even if they do a half decent share of the grunt work, which the OPs ex is not. You're not wrong that some things get easier but please don't think its just about the practical logistics - the crushing weight of making all the big decisions alone and knowing it is all on you to advocate for your child's needs is huge.

You sound burnt out 😓 I really feel for you. It will get easier as DC gets older but in the meantime is there more support you can access - friends/family? Or if money isn't tight think about joining a gym with a creche? You could get some you time and get some exercise endorphins too? Do you use annual leave days for "you" ever? Put DC in nursery and take yourself on a date (I did this once and it was glorious, yoga, massage, lunch, cinema)?

Is there anyway you can organise life to give yourself a breather?x

It's not about compressed hours; it's about the dad taking on more responsibility for the daily drudgery of parenting. That's the crux of it. People are giving suggestions to enable her to cope within an unfair set up. The dad should move closer to his child and be more hands on. I would not live 2 hours away from my toddler.

Yes, definitely not my life.
I bloody made sure of that.
But - something always does need doing.

The obvious solution is to be closer to a support system. Any chance of making that happen?

I'd switch to compressed hours or part time and spend the extra day getting things done and having some time to yourself. A day without kids around makes a massive difference.

Involved dad? Is that a joke? Seeing your child for a couple of hours out of 7 days a week isn’t ’involved’, neither is throwing money at the op to make up for the rest. If a parent isn’t taking their turn with dentist appointments, nursery/school runs, hair cuts, helping getting dressed, teeth brushing, bathing, feeding them, putting them to bed, they’re not in any way an ‘involved parent’. Being a glorified babysitter isn’t parenting.

I get you op. I’m in a luckier situation where kids dad will have them overnight once a week but isn’t involved in any of the above. Literally all comes down to me (have children with additional needs so it’s day and night even with the older ones). Is there any way to get him to at least step up in that regard? It’s not just about giving you a break, he needs to parent more and she needs to build a better relationship with him. Should start with one night every other week but swiftly build on that.

I’ve said YABU as you haven’t taken the most basic of steps to make things easier for yourself. Babysitter, grocery delivery, meal plan delivery (eg mindful chef does meal boxes for one and you can select 20
minute meals), high quality frozen meals like Cook (for both you and dd)) which can also be delivered, cleaner who does everything (down to changing the beds), laundry service.

I did this for years with two dc and I used to have an incredible sixth former neighbour who would come help alongside me : she’d cook me dinner or dc dinner or do ironing or supervise bath time for 2 hours every night so it was like having a “partner” in the house. She’d leave, dc were bathed and in bed, house tidy, dinner ready. I’d then sit back and enjoy my evening. Or she’d stay on to babysit and I’d go out with friends once a week. A number of friends in similar situations found similar help from university students living locally.

yes this is all expensive but hopefully your “demanding” career comes with a commensurate salary. I paid a fortune but fast forward 10 years and I just now just have a cleaner once a week, dc are self sufficient, and my sanity is intact and (edited to add) my career flourishing.

Oh - not relevant yet, but just buy the right number of everything for uniform - my son's school does PE every day, so he has 5 PE kits, 5 shirts. Now he's older just 2 jumpers and trousers, but when he was little, 5 of all his nursery/primary school uniform so I never had the crazed rush around the house finding something, or had to do washing in the week.

Are you able to do anything for yourself when she is with her dad? Can you think of anything you could outsource - cleaner, gardener, ironing, some laundry? Could you give up even half a day at work? Would an extra day WFH help? Do you have friends or family who could take your DD for a few hours (or overnight)?

Bath DD 2 or 3 times a week. Shop online. Eat food that needs little or no prep. It will get easier, you're doing great.

I think 18 months to 3 is the hardest age to raise a child. It is unrelenting and can sometimes feel like a never ending treadmill- just remember, it does get easier as they get older.
you have just gotten over an illness and we can often feel low when we are post viral.

i used to book a day off now and again when my child was in nursery and just do something/ anything on my own - it was just lovely to have my own time and my own thoughts.
i agree with the online shopping and also getting in some healthy ready meals.
just remember - it will get easier.

Take your standards as low as you can go.

If you can face it, then just have the same 7 meals each week (we have the same meals 5 days a week, and takeaway/eat out twice a week).

I survive with routine: I only do washing once a week (I have a rotation of clothes that me and the kids wear - I actually fold them into daily bundles after getting disheartened going in their room and discovering the individual piles totally everywhere again). Outside of school holidays, I try to only do the dishwasher once a week (I have considered disposable plates).

I go to pickup 10 mins early to talk to other mums for in person adult conversation (and networking....) or to just sit in the car in the quiet or take a short walk depending on how my work day is going.

I have a firm bedtime routine (I'm lucky, my kids are fine with it) - although TBH, I go to bed at the same time anyway since I start work early.

I taught them to get their own breakfast (initially I'd just leave snacks out) very early (again, I'm lucky, my kids were fine to just get up and watch cartoons on their ipads) - so that even though I'm not sleeping, they're trained not to disturb me in my room unless they need to.

It is relentless. All you can do is try and survive it.