To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

It's a tough age where they are reliant on you 100%. As others have said, are you able to financially outsource anything? Do the shopping online, or meals delivered? The actual 'tasks' of caring, there isn't anything you can do, do you have any family who could maybe take her overnight once a month, to let you have time? Can you take an annual leave day, when she's at nursery, to just be by yourself? Is your ex ever planning on overnights?

I recall those days with preschoolers and woooo boy! Still amazed I survived them. I also worked a demanding, full time career and while I was not a single mom, my husband was a student so I’d be off to work at 6am and returned at 6pm as he went out the door from 6pm to midnight for night classes. One was easy, two we felt stressed and by the time #3 came along we felt we would crack.

What you are feeling is normal completely frazzled and exhausted from when the children are very young. I only say “normal” because it is like this for most parents- myself and everyone I know. Not just the flat out no time to yourself constantly running being normal, but the feelings of wanting to run away and exhaustion too.

Luckily it does not go on for ever! You pass the milestones one after the other. The children get more independent.

This part is a life stage, and it does pass. All this work now does pay off later.

Sounds strange but sometimes being with your partner doesn’t make it any easier especially if you’ve got a lazy one. I know mums whose partners won’t have the kids whilst they nip to the loo. It’s just like having an adult child as well. They never get a second either.

I do feel for you though. As a mum to a 3 yr old I can say it gets easier as they begin to learn how to play on their own. But still, since I’ve had another baby, my only “me time” is when they’re asleep. See if another person can help you like family or friends.

Hi OP, I have three who are a bit older and I empathise. You will get through it when DC is a bit older. till then, I know it can feel like one day blurring into next and just never ending crap. can you see if u can

• get away with not logging on to work in eve?
• try cook and freeze...quick meals?

its hard i know !!!!

If i were you I'd try to work less hours until she goes to school. It gets easier then!

It takes 2 to make a baby why in this day and age are men still being allowed to get away with the bare minimum or sometimes nothing at all and women are told they chose to have a baby. He chose too!!!

Can you take some annual leave and keep her going to nursery, just to give yourself a moment to breathe?

The problem is working in the eve. That’s when most people rest, get time to themselves to just be / think / get organised. Being a single parent must be very tough but with nursery and presumably normal bedtime, you should be getting the evening to yourself.
dad should step up of course.

I would consider mediation to discuss hours of parenting this helped with my ex who didn’t seem to think parenting was his responsibility. He needs to do overnights! I would consider going part time you may find you would be entitled to uc. I would only cook once for you and dd to have similar. Food shop delivered. Cleaner/ironing help too if you can afford. Speak to gingerbread for single parent advice. If you can afford it look at sitters for babysitting. You need a life too.

it sounds hard, as she gets older it’ll get easier. One thing I don’t understand is why you don’t eat together, why are you cooking twice? Either eat early with her or whatever you cook for yourself make some extra for her to heat up the next day. Is there anything you can do about your work? If you could relax in evenings once she’s gone to bed you’d find it less exhausting

I have no advice beyond what's been given.
Yanbu. It's freaking hard.

And for those comparing a single mom to one that has a DH or partner who works a lot it's not the same.

My ex was a workaholic. It wasn't the same as being a single mom. It's an entirely different level of exhaustion and responsibility.

How are your finances? Could you afford some additional help in the evenings? Could you consider an au pair? It's only going to be this intense for a certain period so any/all resources available.

I’ve been there and I know how exhausting it is. I ended up taking no pleasure in being with my kids because all I could of was getting then to bed so I could get on with all the housework and work work I had to do before I could go to bed. I feel I wished away years of their lives.

My advice is buy in help. I had a mother’s help who collected children from nursery and school, made tea for them and left out something for me. She supervised homework with the school aged child. She also did some housework and laundry and picked up a few items from the shops if required. I did a big food delivery online about every two weeks.

So none of this was fancy . The meals she cooked were basic and yes I had reheated lasagne / cottage pie with a bag of salad etc. the house was not immaculate but it was clean and tidy.

And it cost a bit . But I didn’t have to do much housework or shopping at the weekends or in the evenings.

I did this 4 days a week and stayed at work later Monday to Thursday so I could finish at lunchtime on Friday and pick up the kids myself . I had more time and energy to do things with the kids at the weekend ( Sadly they didn’t see their dad at all ).

I also had to have a conversation with my boss about their expectations that I worked every evening at home on top of my time in the office. I suspect that cost me a promotion but I hope that things are a bit different now post covid / flexible working.

None of this was ideal but it stopped be having a breakdown, which was probably the alternative.

I know this exact plan womt work for you @Cantdoothis as your child is in FT childcare. But maybe it will give you some ideas.

can I add - there’s nothing wrong with you for being exhausted. I bet there’s not a single man you know in your job who is doing what you are. All of them will have female partners who do most of all of this for them - the housework, childcare, wifework and mental load.

You are a star for just surviving this far ⭐️and yes you can do it , you CAN make this work .

and your ex is a shit. Just thought I’d add that , although I know it doesn’t help .

If he's a "decent" parent (in that he's lazy but ultimately will put your DD first if no one else is around), tell him you're going to have a breakdown if he doesn't give you some overnights to recover and then he'll have to have her full-time.

Do you have a local babysitter? Can you find and meet one? Sometimes nursery staff will babysit evenings and weekends too.

Is a compressed work week an option? Throwing money at a cleaner, ordering food in? Low expectations and the bare minimum. Use some annual leave to take a day off each week for the next month, utilise the childcare you have and have a day for you.

I’m on my own till December with my two, not the same as your situation AT ALL, but I hear you. I’m much less patient, less gentle, less fun because I’m exhausted and burnt out. I have nothing left to give, and I’m ill now because it’s been so full on. It won’t always be like this but that’s hard to believe when you’re in the thick of it.

Do online food shopping.
Get a cleaner in.
Find a childminder instead of nursery that is closer, or a nanny.
Plan meals for the week and batch cook.

But yes, it's hard!!

Yes it's very hard, I feel for you.
It doesn't matter how many kids you have by the way, it's still bloody hard whether one or seven.
What's much easier is not having any !!

It gets easier as they get older. They become more independent, they can help you more (my DD is 4 and she dresses herself now (mostly) and I tell her to get me things, etc...no nappies anymore) and it's a little less stressful. Still hard, but a bit less so.

Young children are hard. Your mental health is very important. If you work full-time can you afford to send your daughter to clubs you don't need to supervise her in? Like going to gyms that provide free childcare while you in class.

Or even an IKEA that does free child care while you browse the shop and enjoy a cup of tea.

Or get a regular babysitter to take her to the park while you relax/ go places.

I understand you op, you need some days off to breath properly. Your ex need to organise a place for your dc to sleep over some weekends, even if it means you will not taking the £200 from him or pay for some nursery fee.

If you have a spare bedroom you can rent it out to a nurse or student, or someone who doesn't mind paying part of their rent in babysitting.

That may help lighten the load.

Or advertise 'Kate seeks Ally'

But being an adult who chose to have a child is rarely given as a reason why the father should take responsibility

Sorry your having a hard time.. I can understand your run ragged and I think it's normal to feel that way when you have so much on. The only advice I could give would be try and save time and effort on the cooking. When you cook your dinner bulk cook and freeze it so you can just defrost and both have the same dinner. Sorry I'm not much more help other than to say your not alone x

It is relentless when they are so little.

Trust me, one day you'll look back at this and wish, you hadn't wished it away.

Can you work from home full-time?

You can work out at home. There are some excellent fitness trainers on YouTube. Lucy Wyndham Read (for beginners), Heather Robertson, Rebecca Louise, Growingannanas, and Caroline Girvan (more advanced).

There are a lot of art groups online too. With some of them you get to chat on Zoom. Ditto book clubs and much else.

Invite friends round for coffee, drinks or am potluck.

The point is you HAVE to do something that nurtures your interests - otherwise you'll go stir-crazy. Most of us have been there. It's short term, it's exhausting, but you CAN get through this phase.

And this is what makes Mumsnet worthwhile, great post, thank you.