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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to pull up this friend group on this?

31 replies

ComedicPivot · 02/08/2024 13:29

I’ve been attending a hobby with a group of 6 women for 7 years. It’s always been on a certain day, at a certain time. It’s part of my weekly routine, I class them as good friends, and I enjoy the activity.

A few weeks ago, one of the group asked the person who runs it, if they could do it a different time that week as they wanted to attend something else at that time. I couldn’t attend at that time due to work and family. She then went on to invite 3 of her friends to join in. They’ve decided they like it, want to join the activity, but the original time doesn’t suit them. So, it seems that they now want to change a long standing commitment to a time that I and another can’t make due to work and family.

Of course, if it suits most people, then I don’t have a leg to stand on, but I feel quite angry about this.

This has happened to me before with the same group of people. We started another activity, and we all paid up for 10 sessions, only to find they didn’t, and I was the only one who coughed up. They then proceeded to drop out over 3 weeks leaving me alone to take the wrath of the coach.

I was talking to my DC and I said to them “ do you ever feel like you want to tell your mates to get stuffed, but then if you did, you’d not have many friends left?” They agreed.

So, I think I’m out of this activity, and a regular thing I do as I can’t make this time. Also, it’s evolved into a couple of people and their mates where originally we came together not knowing each other, and the dynamics have completely changed. It’s now a clique.

I’m pretty sure it’s a done deal, but AIBU to not just leave with my tail between my legs, but say that I think this is pretty shitty?

OP posts:
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Mostlycarbon · 07/08/2024 16:16

I think I would at least try and say something like, "this new time isn't going to work for me and I'd be really disappointed if I can't be part of the activity any more- any chance we can work something out?"

Glasshousesandallthat · 07/08/2024 15:49

Agree with @GRex - You are predicting a situation that hasn’t happened but are getting angry at the perceived results. Take it step by step. It might turn out that the one member and her 3 friends go on the other night and the original group stay as they are. Voice your concerns and go from there.

Autel · 07/08/2024 08:32

GRex · 07/08/2024 08:09

Just to give another perspective, it sounds like you met these women through the activity and have all done it for 7 years. One of them wanting to do another activity and change the time should be OK, her 3 mates joined so that's 4 of them. After 7 years, that's really OK for them to do. They asked if everyone would like to swap time, which was inclusive of you too. The only issue is that you want to stay as a 10 and can't make the new time. Your post doesn't even say that you've stepped up to say "Actually I can't make that time, can we check with the coach for other options that work for everyone?". So, you're angry - but at people who haven't done anything wrong, tried to include you, and have no idea what's going on in your head.

Take a breath, state that you can't make that slot, and see what happens - rather than just sitting back angrily. You don't know how many others can make the new time, perhaps it'll split 6-4 and your group gets additional members. Nobody will be angry with you "going against" if you're stating factually what dates you can make, only if you turn their wish to add an activity into you being victimised qwerty.

As for "the wrath of the coach", if they were unprofessional enough to blame an adult for other adults not joining the course, you should have left in the first session.

I think this is reasonable. You need to communicate clearly, OP, not be silently furious.

Martibum · 07/08/2024 08:24

"If anyone is still interested in the original timing, I'm happy to contact the coach to lock that in?"
If anyone responds with a yes etc, then do that and ignore any messages about new times or days.

GRex · 07/08/2024 08:09

Just to give another perspective, it sounds like you met these women through the activity and have all done it for 7 years. One of them wanting to do another activity and change the time should be OK, her 3 mates joined so that's 4 of them. After 7 years, that's really OK for them to do. They asked if everyone would like to swap time, which was inclusive of you too. The only issue is that you want to stay as a 10 and can't make the new time. Your post doesn't even say that you've stepped up to say "Actually I can't make that time, can we check with the coach for other options that work for everyone?". So, you're angry - but at people who haven't done anything wrong, tried to include you, and have no idea what's going on in your head.

Take a breath, state that you can't make that slot, and see what happens - rather than just sitting back angrily. You don't know how many others can make the new time, perhaps it'll split 6-4 and your group gets additional members. Nobody will be angry with you "going against" if you're stating factually what dates you can make, only if you turn their wish to add an activity into you being victimised qwerty.

As for "the wrath of the coach", if they were unprofessional enough to blame an adult for other adults not joining the course, you should have left in the first session.

RunningThroughMyHead · 07/08/2024 08:04

I would say something but not arsily as that will only stir the pot and they'll get defensive. I'd say:

"Oh no, I can't make Wednesdays, is there anyway we can keep the original timings?"

But I agree with others, it sounds like they aren't nice people and you aren't actually friends. Even those who are staying quiet, it'll be interesting if your message encourages them to say something or if they allow you to take the fall.

If they won't keep the times, I'd post on your local Facebook pages asking if anyone wants to join the hobbies at the time that you CAN do and restart a new group.

£100 says in a few months the new attendees drop out anyway and everyone wishes they hadn't swapped the times.

AlisonDonut · 07/08/2024 08:03

I don't know if you have done anything yet but I'd suggest actually sticking to the actual weekly schedule until an alternative time and day can be agreed by the whole group. Or split the groups and do two different sessions and recruit to fill any gaps.

Everydayimhuffling · 07/08/2024 07:58

I wouldn't necessarily mention the other time at least for now. I would just speak up about not being able to do the new day and the unfair prioritizing of new members. You may well find that the ones who are being quiet also prefer the original day, and you give them a chance to speak up.

If you make it about you personally being abandoned then the conversation will be about that instead of the practicality that you can all (original members) make the current day and time.

Welshmonster · 07/08/2024 07:49

Get the coach on board and see what other friends think about the date change. Tell them you can’t do the other day and ask if anyone else is able to carry on the original day.

Gazelda · 02/08/2024 15:02

"For the second time, agreed commitments have changed leaving me in the lurch. I'm sad that our friendship doesn't mean more than this."

And then leave them to it.

GloriousGoosebumps · 02/08/2024 14:46

I think they've got a bloody cheek. Like previous posters, I think you need to at least try and stop this takeover. First step has to be to contact the coach and stress how long you've been going and how much you enjoy the sessions. Do you know if the coach is actually available on the suggested new day of the week? Obviously. if he/she isn't available that's an easy solution to the problem.

Original poster
ComedicPivot · 02/08/2024 14:28

I agree Fastcar

I’m not sure why I’m hanging on to these friends. I just don’t have a lot of friends nearby. I have great friends at work, we have a right laugh, great parents, a lovely DH and DC, so I’m not sure why I feel the need to put up with crappy friendships. I think I lack confidence in friendships. I think everyone else has loads of mates, and I must be wierd as I don’t. I have 1 best friend who lives 2 hours from me, who’s like a sister.

When they all bailed the first time, I was so upset I cried. I just felt such a twat. Someone sent out a link with the course and payment details. They all said “I’m in”, or “ I’ve signed up” and they hadn't. It whittled down to me and 2 others, and they both decided another day worked better for them (they don’t work) and swapped days. I was left to do this hobby on my own ( team sport!!!) and the coach moaned their arse off at me. After a couple of weeks, I still went.. what a mug…then the coach canned it and refunded me the rest of the course.

The sad thing is the other 9 women on this course (6 plus 4 other mums we know) haven’t a clue. I said nothing (non boat rocker), but no one blinking noticed. No one put 2 and 2 together that Comedic was the last one standing. Torch - head - arse. Personally I’d be really embarrassed if I saw a group member reduced to solo participation.

In fact, if I end up messaging I think I want to mention that incident too.

OP posts:
EmoIsntDead · 02/08/2024 14:19

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/08/2024 13:48

I think you have nothing to lose, @ComedicPivot - I’d put a message in the group saying:

“I am very unhappy at the suggestion that the long standing time/day for this should change, against the wishes of people who have been here from the start, to accommodate new members. I am not the only member who will be excluded, if we change the arrangements. I do not think this is reasonable.”

This is a great message.

YouveGotAFastCar · 02/08/2024 14:15

ComedicPivot · 02/08/2024 13:52

I think if I put up a message like that I won’t be welcome as I’ll have gone again a couple of people.

That’s fine though. I will be using your examples.

Thanks, I just needed to see if I was BU. We question ourselves.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like these people are your friends, and if you suspect they'll ditch you if you stand up for yourself, they're even less like friends.

I was talking to my DC and I said to them “ do you ever feel like you want to tell your mates to get stuffed, but then if you did, you’d not have many friends left?” They agreed.

And I really hope that your DC were just being kind by agreeing here, or there's potential that your DC are mirroring how they've seen you act in friendships. It might be a good example to show them you standing up for yourself, and replacing your friends?

I don't want to make that sound easy, but it's quite a big deal. And right now, this group only seem to value you as someone who makes up the numbers for activities. I'd never have booked anything else with them when they bailed and left me the first time.

Lurkingandlearning · 02/08/2024 14:09

I don’t think I’d tell them it’s shitty but I would ask them if they realise that by making these changes because new members want them, they have effectively excluded you from the group

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/08/2024 14:01

When they first raised it did you say "HOLD ON! I can't do Tuesdays, so don't move it to then. If you can't do Mondays anymore can we please find a time everyone can do?"

They shouldn't be moving it without discussion but don't make it easy for them to be inconsiderate.

Bruisername · 02/08/2024 13:55

And sometimes it just takes one person to stand up to make others push back too

Bruisername · 02/08/2024 13:55

If you get shoved out because you’ve dared to stand up for yourself then you’ve lost nothing

Gazelda · 02/08/2024 13:53

Stompythedinosaur · 02/08/2024 13:43

I think you have to be vocal about your position. "I cannot make the other time and I'd be upset if the new members attendance is prioritised over mine, that seems unfair". It isn't rude to stand up for yourself.

This is an excellent suggestion. Fair and reasonable.

Original poster
ComedicPivot · 02/08/2024 13:52

I think if I put up a message like that I won’t be welcome as I’ll have gone again a couple of people.

That’s fine though. I will be using your examples.

Thanks, I just needed to see if I was BU. We question ourselves.

OP posts:
Marseillaise · 02/08/2024 13:50

Yes, it's thoughtless, but have you looked into whether you could move around your other commitments to accommodate the new time?

Paganpentacle · 02/08/2024 13:50

Stompythedinosaur · 02/08/2024 13:43

I think you have to be vocal about your position. "I cannot make the other time and I'd be upset if the new members attendance is prioritised over mine, that seems unfair". It isn't rude to stand up for yourself.

This.
If you say nothing they'll railroad you- or assume (pretend) you're fine with it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/08/2024 13:48

I think you have nothing to lose, @ComedicPivot - I’d put a message in the group saying:

“I am very unhappy at the suggestion that the long standing time/day for this should change, against the wishes of people who have been here from the start, to accommodate new members. I am not the only member who will be excluded, if we change the arrangements. I do not think this is reasonable.”

muggart · 02/08/2024 13:44

Bruisername · 02/08/2024 13:42

It is thoughtless And I would say something along the lines of how you have enjoyed this activity with them over the years and it’s been a fun part of your week so you are disappointed that they have changed things with no consideration of you.

ultimately people do these things either with no thought and may be mortified when they realise or they don’t care and then is there any loss calling them out

It's inclined to agree.. you have nothing to lose.

Bruisername · 02/08/2024 13:44

ComedicPivot · 02/08/2024 13:40

Bruiser

From what I’ve seen on the chatter, a couple of them are pushing the new time, 3 friends saying they can’t make the other time, and others just keeping quiet so as to not upset the more dominant members.

Is there a minimum number you need?

if 4 is enough I would go back strong and just say ‘it’s great you want your friends to join but I can’t make the new time so will be sticking with existing’ and then hopefully those who don’t want to upset the applecart will feel they can just say ‘oh me too’