OH Upset over sexual past

I can see it both ways. My wife was a virgin when we met (for cultural/religious reasons) but recently I found out she had several other oral sex partners when were first dating and living in the dorms. I was a bit taken aback, but I’m also glad she was able to share this with me when I asked.

Its a bit more specific than just your “dating past” he’s upset about though isn’t it?

If it came up organically and you spoke of people you were with before you met him, and he got upset, then that’s pathetic on his half.

However you dropped the bombshell that you dated other people whilst dating him too! I’m surprised you can’t see that he’d be upset by this.

Ive been with my boyfriend five years and remember those early days of dating like it was yesterday. Such lovely, fond memories. We met at a work conference and hit it off straight away, so we swapped numbers. After two weeks of texting we arranged to go for drinks, and shared a kiss that night, and from our second date onwards were sleeping together. Those first few weeks/months were so exciting and lovely. If I found out now that at the same time, he was dating other people/kissing or sleeping with other people I would be absolutely heartbroken! I would be so sad looking back at how excited and blissfully happy I was, knowing he was shagging other people whilst I was going to bed feeling all giddy at the prospect of our next date.

I really can’t see how you can’t see how upset your partner would be at this revelation!

I've never understood dating several people at one time tbh, maybe if it wasn't working after a few dates I'd say so and then look to date someone else. I can see why this would upset him. . Especially as he was inexperienced and thought you were exclusive. All you can do is give him time to get over it x

@Didimum sorry, I didn't see your reply. You're right. If someone is seeing others they really should say so. Especially if other person seems less experienced.
I personally always went 'exclusive' with someone after sleeping together if I liked them and wanted to keep seeing them. They seemed to have the same attitude.
But last time I dated was the early 2000s lol.

Someone has already wheeled out 'gaslighting' and 'insecure' and all that stuff but I think this is your cock up, OP sorry. Ok, you weren't exclusive but why not leave it in the past if you knew he wasn't seeing anyone else or if it was a funny and reasonably innocent story from your younger years, gloss over the dates?!

I wouldn't want to hear about DP dating others after we had met. It's not about whether you were in the wrong, it's not a court of law. It's about discretion and caring for your partner's feelings.

I think give him a bit of time then pick your moment to affirm how special what you've always had is, right from those early days. If he uses this to punish you after you've tried to put it right that's different but I think he's currently entitled to be hurt. 'we weren't exclusive, your honour' isn't putting it right.

Did you post about this a couple of weeks ago? Read enough exactly the same post not long ago, all the advice there was ignored too.

If he's insecure, this could very well be the end of the relationship, sorry.

It's excessive, I get it, but he thought you were the one, and thought that you felt for him what he thought for you when you first met.

What you have just told him was that (even if there was no sex), that you were testing the water with 'many', weighed options, and then settled on him.

If he's insecure, which it sounds like he is, whatever you say won't make a difference. He'll assume you're just lying to cover up 'more', and it will eat away at him, bit by bit, as you've basically just ruined his image of you.

MN will tell you to leave, with phrases like "he's insecure, I'd bin him off because you don't want to live your life reassuring someone". Honestly, I think this is on you though... He had this fantasy of you being exclusive, sunshine and rainbows, and that fantasy is dashed now.

And now everyone will say you have an issue with alcohol because on MN, you're only allowed a thimble of wine at Xmas! 🤣

I wouldn’t be happy with finding out something like that.
I think it’s really important that both parties are on the same page because in my mind if I am dating someone then that would mean we are exclusive.

I think if you don’t want to be exclusive it needs to be mentioned and not automatically assumed that both parties are comfortable with that situation as there’s a lot of people who aren’t comfortable with the idea of seeing several people at once.

Isn’t that normal though? Very few people are committed to someone after the first date surely 😵‍💫 That said it if it were me i wouldn’t if said anything about it. Particularly if I knew my partner was secretly angsty about the fact I slept with other people before I met him anyway.

Not sure what possessed you to tell him this when you know what he's like tbh. Didn't it occur it wouldn't go down well? There's nothing you can do about you different pasts and his insecurity is his to get past, but quite honestly, you hardly helped! Clearly he thought that you were exclusive from the beginning of your dating and has had a shock. No doubt he will get over it. If he keeps bringing your past up he's in the wrong.

It is a bit of weird one. Dh and I both agree that from our first date we knew there was going to be something between us, maybe not 2 kids and 20years together but we knew it was different. That's a bit more romantic than I met you but still wondered if there was someone better out there so kept dating for a while especially if you felt it was something special straight away. I think who you were dating whilst also dating your partner is one of those things better left unsaid.

Yes, something are best left unsaid, especially 15 year old dating stories!

I think your DH is just a bit upset rather than insecure. It was a thoughtless thing to do.

Your title is completely misleading.
He isn't upset about your sexual past (I came on to say it was something he either dealt with or didn't but tough shit) He is upset about you dating (& possibly shagging?) other people at the start of your relationship when presumably he thought you were exclusive? Not something I'd be happy with either.

Presumably he'd been under the impression, at the time, that you were 'exclusive', though.

Of course your partner shouldn't judging you on how many people you dated before you got together with them, but I also think it's pretty insensitive, on night out with your partner, to start telling him about a bunch of men you were seeing at the same time as him when you first met. I really don't understand why on earth you'd bring that up.

I can understand him being upset.

Loose lips sink ships unfortunately.

It sounds like at the time he thought he was dating you and therefore you weren't seeing anyone else. Now he finds out that this wasn't true and you actually went out with a few other men.

That would upset me too but as it was so long ago and you ended up together it is quite an extreme reaction and perhaps indicates that there are problems in the relationship now and that your recent revelation about the past has added fuel to the fire.

Marriage counselling might be in order.

Downplaying it isn't a good idea.

I would be upset if my husband told me he'd been sleeping with (or even just dating) other women when we were already dating. But that was 20 years ago, and I don't think this new "exclusive" thing was a thing back then. If you were dating someone, you were dating them. It wouldn't have occurred to either of us to see other people even if it wasn't yet serious.

Yeah I probably wouldn't talk about dates I'd been on when I was dating him. Exclusive or not. Even though technically there's no wrongdoing. It would still feel a bit weird hearing it. Hell just have to process it you could say sorry for being insensitive though

Same here.
Plus there are men out there who are also equally 'Exclusive'.
I'd be really hurt if a long term partner harked back to ''dates'' while he was with me.
It seems a strange thing to reminisce about, after so long, as well, especially in front of your husband.

Why did you mention the dates after meeting him?

I think given that you know its a sore spot for him you'd be wise to avoid talking about it with him.
But after 15 years for him to still be even remotely bothered about this is ridiculous.

Why would you bring it up? It could lead to no positive outcomes and predictably has upset your partner.

Some sympathy for your OH, I would be hurt too. It was a mistake to bring it up. Just give him some time to get over it and be sweet with him.

I wasn’t exclusive for the first few months of my relationship with DH. He was. I only realised when I overheard him talking to his Mum on the phone and calling me his girlfriend. I wasn’t experienced in commitment, although I was experienced. He was experienced with commitment but had only had one prior girlfriend.

i realised then that I wanted to be with him and stopped being uncommitted! I have also never mentioned it to him as what’s the point? You made a mistake there I’m afraid.