To think 'no spark' means absolutely nothing?

A while ago I was on a Teams call with loads and loads of people (no cameras on) and I'd sort of zoned out a bit, and then it got to the 'Any questions?' part and someone asked a question, and I thought 'That man's got a lovely voice, and what a brilliant, smart, articulate question... who is this guy, he sounds great!'

And then realised it was actually my DP (of 21 years!). We work at the same place, but in different teams so it's rare that our paths cross in a work context. So yeah, the spark can definitely endure! Not saying I'm sitting there full of butterflies while we're sitting there on the sofa eating crisps in front of News At Ten or when I can hear him farting in the shower, obviously. But there are loads of times, especially when I see him unexpectedly, when I do feel a spark, or when I just suddenly think 'I love him SO much.'

I think there's no "spark" is based mostly on sexual attraction in the context of dating. That desire just to be close to someone. But it's not exclusively that because also that lack of "spark" can apply to when you're getting to know someone as a friend.

It's a sort of gravitational pull towards someone - I've met many people (male and female, just potential friends or potential partners) over the years with whom there just isn't that spark. They are often people you like very much. They might even be people who you land up dating for a while and having sex with. Good sex even. But that spark just isn't there and so it fizzles out or you end it eventually and, in the case of friendships, they remain relatively superficial and/or are only maintained for a specific reason (eg kids are friends or you go to the same hobby or you live next door).

I totally disagree tbh. I think the ‘spark’ perfectly sums up the chemistry you feel when two people are attracted. I’ve been physically attracted to someone but felt no spark on talking to them, and been taken by surprise by a spark with someone I hadn’t been attracted to.

I think it's more than just sex too. It's that connection/soul mates thing as well as finding them attractive. We all come across lots of people we like and can get along with perfectly fine, can see are objectively attractive, but that close connection is rare.

When the spark does hit it's intoxicating,

I disagree OP - it's a very good way to describe lack of chemistry or lack of sexual interest. I might meet a man who's perfect on paper - good looking, funny, clever etc but if there's no spark/no chemistry then I won't be interested.
You need that spark for a romantic relationship otherwise it's just a friendship.

It conveys 'I didn't feel any chemistry between us and I don't wish to pursue a sexual relationship with you'.

Useful phrase in my opinion.

I have lots of male friends and aquaintances, all perfectly nice people I enjoy spending time with. "The spark" that means I want to sleep with them happens only rarely. Of course it's real.

But if there is 'no spark' then you don't find them sexually attractive, as such. You might think they're objectively a good-looking person, but that doesn't mean you want to shag them.

Similarly, you can get on well with all sorts of people and have a lot in common with them, but that doesn't mean you fancy them. I have male friends whose company I enjoy a lot and with whom I have loads in common, but I don't feel a romantic connection with them and they don't feel a romantic connection with me, either.

I've had one friendship where the man in question has considered that we'd be suited romantically, but I haven't felt the same way. In one instance, yeah, he was a lovely man and we always had a great evening when we went out. But I didn't fancy him. What was I supposed to do? Analyse that to the billionth degree and then list all the many tiny reasons that made me not find him attractive as a dating prospect? It's not like he could have done anything about any of them, nor would I have wanted him to. It would just have been hurtful and pointless for him. So 'I just don't feel that spark' was a pretty reasonable and actually very accurate explanation.

Also, ultimately, people don't owe you any kind of explanation for why they don't want to date you. 'I just don't want to' is a perfectly valid reason and one that everyone really, really needs to accept and live with.

Some people might say it just to be nice and generic. But a spark/ chemistry is definitely thing, if people are struggling to understand its because they've never felt it (you both need to feel it, and you know)

If everyone had a spark with everyone then no work would ever get done. It's normal to feel that only very few people are special enough to have a relationship with. No spark is open and honest, unless you want them to list all the ways in which you don't turn them on. Which is called 'negging'.

This ☝🏻

Not necessarily- I think you just haven’t experienced it yourself and that’s why you can’t understand it.

I’ve been on both sides of this coin. Dated a guy for around a month, I really liked him, thought it was going well, and he ended it by saying he’s had a great time with me, has had a good laugh on our dates, enjoyed our time in bed but he just doesn’t feel proper chemistry and doesn’t see it lasting the long term. It was hard to hear but I couldn’t be mad, he was just being honest.

And on the flip side, I once went on around four dates with a guy, he was funny, nice, interesting, good looking but I just didn’t “feel” it. Something was missing for me, I didn’t have an urge to take things to the next level, I just didn’t feel that crazy exciting connection. As much as I enjoyed his company, I didn’t feel very excited about him.

Luckily now, I’m just approaching two years with my boyfriend and I love him to bits, fancy him like mad, everything is there. I felt the spark and the excitement with him immediately, and we still have it now.

I guess it sounds more out of your control and not a criticism to the other person, sometimes it's true rather than politeness in that you can't really put your finger on a reason why you don't as they appear to have all the right ingredients.

I don't think online/modern dating really suits me as i either have horny lust based on the superficial but know a relationship with them wouldn't work out or I don't feel a strong sexual attraction early on but really like their personality and if met within a social circle I would probably find the attraction grows as I get to know them better but that's not really fair when dating.

So would you prefer someone to say: you’re boring, ugly, too fat, too thin, too thick, or any other unkind way of ending a brief relationship.

Perhaps be grateful that they are trying to be tactful and kindly.

You can have friends who are sexually attractive and you get along well with but don’t want to shag.

I know people who are physically attractive but it doesn’t mean I want to shag them.

I wonder if this man knows more than one sexually attractive woman who he gets along with and perhaps he is more interested in one of them than you? (The old “he’s not that into you”)

I don't think it's lazy.
I take it to mean there is no connection on a physical or emotional level, basically no chemistry

A) nobody owes an explanation for not wanting to date someone
b) it’s far worse to cut someone down with a criticism like they are unattractive, or boring, or remind them of a maths teacher.

being offended by ‘no spark’ sounds like sour grapes

It's not meaningless at all. It just means 'I didn't feel the connection necessary for a relationship'.

I think it's about sexual chemistry. I can find someone attractive to look at, and know they're good looking. But if the sparks not there, it's not there.
Sometimes with another person, they might not be the most handsome guy ever, but if you have a flirty connection I would say the spark is there.

OP, if this isn’t about you, why does it matter? Are you telling men that you don’t fancy them because they are boring, ugly and have BO, and wondering why this is going down badly?

I've been on dates with plenty of people you are either objectively good looking and/or I've personally found them good looking and we get on well, but good looking + getting on doesn't mean you necessarily fancy them – it's the third ingredient, and it's not 'generic', it's a very specific feeling.

Furthermore, I don't think you owe lengthy or specific explanations to someone you have been on a couple of dates with but don't want to date anymore. As long as you are polite and decent, that's all that's necessary.

I think it's true of platonic friends too. If I meet a new colleague sometimes it's an easy connection, start chatting, think I could easily go to the pub with this person, other times it's polite chit chat and never gets beyond that. It's just connection, or not.

😂

Spark as a word has a few meanings. Below is one of the dictionary meanings of spark. I hope this helps @Reasonstobebeautiful

a feeling or quality that causesexcitement:
They kept running into each other and eventually realized there was a spark between them.
The music is mediocre because there's no spark, no thrill, no unpredictability.