To think 'no spark' means absolutely nothing?

You can fancy someone without a spark. A true spark is a tension between two people where they adore each others company, have plenty to talk about, have emotional and physical attraction, and a sense of belonging on some level. When you don’t have that with someone, it’s obvious. You can still find them sexually attractive or relate to them emotionally in a friendship way, but a true romantic spark is totally different

I don’t agree although sometimes it could be a polite way of saying something more direct. There is a sort of unexplained ‘chemistry’ that is probably biological in nature. I have been on dates with nice, attractive, funny people but had no ‘spark’ or frisson if you will - your head will say it’s good but ultimately you feel a little cold or empty about it. I will say That from discussions with friends not everyone has either that feeling or that attachment to the feeling and are ultimately more logical than feeling based -could that be you?

I am a bit of a slow burner. I don't often feel a spark when I am with someone, but if I feel a warm glow after the date that usually means there's been something between us.

This reminds me of a slightly irritating conversation I had when trying to let someone down gently who wouldn't be told. I said he was a very attractive and interesting man (he was) but I didn't feel a romantic connection sadly. He replied 'well if you think I'm attractive and interesting, why not?' it doesn't always work like that or we'd all be partnered up by 18!

'no spark' is used as a catch all in dating for a definitive 'thanks but no thanks'. I'm not pretending to be busy, I definitely don't want to continue with you but not going into specifics. I may not even know what's missing, it's just not quite there with you. That feeling of clarity and openness and warmth with someone where there is also a sexual tension. It could also be that the person wasn't even a near miss, behaviour, look, presentation, conversation, humour weren't a match for example. But 'no spark' makes it 'no fault'.

It sounds like you think there's a better alternative but do you particularly need to hear you weren't physically attractive in person (even with honest pics you can't tell), they couldn't abide your laugh or they just didn't wildly enjoy your company beyond seeing through one date? To what end? What do you do with that information?

How often do you hear it to irritate you so? Also, are you looking for root cause analysis? What do you see as an acceptable example of an answer?

What would you rather people said?

Spot on!

Sorry but I don't agree that finding someone attractive = fancying them.

"I don't feel a spark" does mean "I don't fancy you" but it doesn't mean they do not find you attractive.

I believe humans are drawn to relationships that somehow echo those formed in childhood.

It's the reason for the stereotypical "daddy issues" some women are said to have. It's the reason lots of men go from being babied by their mothers to looking for a wife to do the same. It's the reason that children of emotionally distant parents subconsciously seek out the same in their partners and repeatedly go through patterns of trying to fix them. It's the whole reason for "he seems great on paper but..."

Those are all negative examples but its normal for that pattern to appear even in healthy relationships. Familiarity is comforting to us and when we fancy someone I think it's just our brain lighting up realising they can be something we need or want to recreate from childhood. Often it's attempt to fix a relationship or is just us reliving an aspect of it.

There's literally loads of men who are objectively very attractive and I don't fancy them, even the ones I get along well with. If i saw pictures of ten men and put them in order of attractiveness, then met them all, it's likely the ones I fancied wouldn't be the ones at the top - but they wouldn't be at the bottom either as physical attraction is still a big part of it.

I don't think it's that physical attraction + getting along = fancy someone.

I think it's physical attraction + getting along + that magic brain spark that happens for some people but not others for reasons only our subconscious is aware of = fancying someone.

If anything spark seems like the perfect word to describe what it is I experience. Evidently from this thread it isn't everyone's experience but I can assure you that it's absolutely possibly for me to find someone attractive and get along with them but not fancy them in the way I want to pursue a romantic relationship. It's not that there's something secretly wrong with them.

Just reading these replies and thinking that the spark is a two way thing. It happens when both people feel unmistakably attracted to each other - it's an energy that both feel between them, that's how I think of it anyway. But yes "no spark" is used most often to mean I don't fancy you, I think.

I think having too much spark is overrated as often means unhealthy chemistry for a lot of people. So I’ve started giving some people I don’t initially feel a spark with some more time… but yes, sometimes it’s blatantly clear there’s no future so it’s an ok thing to say? What’s the alternative? “I find you physically and emotionally blah?”

It's not a big deal. A connection is important. The spark is wanting to meet up again. If it's not there, it's not there. Better than wasting your time.

As PPs have said, it means ‘I don’t want to have sex with you’. And that’s not (necessarily) a comment on what the person looks like. A person can have a perfectly lovely face and physique but just not ignite any lust in you. Lust is a mysterious beast.

I don't think it is meaningless at all - I think it is totally valid. And not just in terms of sexual attraction, it is true in all social relationships. Sometimes all the facts on paper point to a really good fit but in reality...it just isn't there. You don't have fun together, you are not quite on the same page, you might even wish you were but you are not.

Other times of course it can mean "I know exactly why I don't fancy you - you are annoying or unattractive or dull, but I can't say that, so I will just say there is no spark."

Yes, exactly! I mean, feel free to be as polite, generic and dishonest as you like when you're telling me why you don't want a second date with me!

It means they’ve no romantic feelings for you at all, not really up to you how other people phrase things. If you dislike it don’t say it, but if you’re finding you’re being told this over and over again maybe you’re just meeting the wrong kinds of people. Hope you find something soon.

Another thing ‘no spark’ often means for me is ‘you may have thought we had a delightful evening and want to do it again, but my God I had to work VERY HARD to keep conversation going so that we didn’t both die of awkwardness / you talked interminably about yourself and things that interest you / there was no pleasurable conversational give and take and that’s not an experience I ever want to repeat, however much you enjoyed my undivided attention.’

It's not even just about sex or fancying. 'no spark' means I don't have that un-quantifiable feeling of getting excited when I think about you in general, and that I'm therefore not interested in taking this further with you as a potential future romantic partner.

I think it's a perfect sum-up tbh.

There’s a thing with babies where mum and baby bond- they regulate each other. It’s literally chemistry, the baby’s chemistry and biology is regulated by the mum soothing them. They match heartbeats, breathing rates, body temperature…

We connect on a lot of levels- pheromones as well as looks, all sorts of subtle markers that influence us subconsciously.

I’ve been massively drawn to someone who I later found out was brought up with my dad. He appealed to me because he felt like home. It wasn’t romantic- just drawn to and fascinated by.

The Spark is part of all that. It’s not rational, visual, may be hormonal…

Something about the sound, smell, look of the other person just matches you somehow. It’s so hot when it happens!

I remember a colleague telling me, there was no spark on her date. I didn't quite understand it, so asked her what it meant. Apparently it meant she didn't find him attractive, so didn't fancy him basically. It's a nice phrase to use, when uninterested.

I'd stage a riot of someone gave me bullet points on exactly why they didn't want another date with me!

I'm more than happy with a generic brush off.

Reasons I have not wanted to continue dating various people and said there was ‘no spark’:

• dandruff & unwashed hair
• never smiled
• fussy, pedantic and nitpicking
• talked endlessly about scuba diving
• irritating high-pitched laugh
• smelled of mildew
• nice enough bloke but just didn’t fancy him at all, and I didn’t enjoy his company enough to compensate for the lack of attraction

What it boiled down to was I wouldn’t have wanted to shag any of these people, or, in some cases, spend any further time with them socially.

Personally, I wouldn’t want someone to string me along just in case they overcame their initial aversion to my appearance or character. Nor would it feel good or constructive to me to have someone I’d just met offer me a detailed evaluation of my dress sense / personal hygiene / mannerisms / personality / hobbies and interests in support of their decision not to progress the relationship.

I suppose you could just say ‘there will not be further dates. Thank you for your time.’ But that feels a bit clinical.

‘No spark’ = ‘there is something missing here that I’m not prepared to do without’ - without going into grisly details that could be hurtful, and without leaving it open for the other party to argue with you, tell you you’ve got them all wrong, beg for another chance, or insist they can change.

I've been with my husband 18 years and we still have the spark 🤷‍♀️ I don't think it's a fleeting thing or something that doesn't last. Wanting to feel that depth of connection with someone you're hoping to have, presumably, a long term intimate relationship with is not unreasonable.

I think it not being there is a totally valid reason to dump someone.

It is widely understood. The OP just doesn't like it, thinks it's a 'lazy excuse' and instead wants bullet points on actual reasons why someone is declining another date.

I disagree. Staying single is better than dating someone you don't feel the spark of attraction with. I've never approached relationships from a competitive perspective, or had multiple "suitors" at one time. I've noticed that men often seem to think that women weigh them up against each other, with a focus on e.g. standing out from the other guys, but in my experience (and my friends') that's not how it works.

’No spark’ is a polite way of telling someone that you don’t fancy them. I thought that was widely understood?