Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

Was it genuine? Given her mum and dad's abusive behaviour, it could just be another form of abuse and trying to cause harm to the OP.

I hope the OP has been honest with social services about both her husband's and her own behaviour because it does sound like they both need help. I just doubt that her parents acted with this in mind.

It feels like a lot of posters are ignoring the abuse the OP suffered at the hands of her parents as a child and are keen to call her husband abusive because he's a man. The OP is verbally abusive to him, she flies off in rages, he's probably walking on eggshells a lot of the time (which, when a woman posts on here saying she feels that way, everyone points out her husband is being abusive). She blames him for not wanting to speak to her abusive parents.

She has an inheritance and receives money from him (fairly) but complains if its late. Everyone here jumps to financial abuse but maybe he just loses track given everything else he has to do - he's got all the pressure of being the sole earner, he does the shopping and various other chores the OP mentioned, he has to help manage the OPs problems. Maybe he is just pouring from an empty cup.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state?
Yes, you are being unreasonable - a genuine concern was reported, of course it needed to be followed up

Very common in abusive relationships. Women with abusive partners are not all meek and subdued or not all the time. They can be furious and defiant.

I am glad you are seeing a psychologist with relavant experience.

It sounds like you have CPTSD from your childhood and you spent years and years suppressing your emotions until you could take it no longer.

Your relationship sounds like it was always unhealthy due to both of your mental health difficulties. You suppressed your emotions with led to you being passive in your relationship. It sounds like you were so desperate to be loved that you did anything to please and keep the peace with your husband.

You need to take time to be on your own so that you can heal and grow. Your relationship dynamics is too unhealthy for you to heal whilst in it. Your resentment of your husband is evident.

So you’re a volcano of rage but your husband is the abusive one ?

What positive small steps could you take to move forward op?

For example - can you order the blinds, go out today and get a radio, or clear yourself a space?

No, I don't think its an over reach. You sound very vulnerable and in a situation that's not good for your wellbeing. I think you need all the support and help offered to you. Accept the meetings and appointments and give an honest account of your situation. Sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees and professional intervention. If they judge no help is required they will close the case. They are too stretched to waste their time imposing themselves where there is no need.

@LucyLoo1972 PM'd you :)

Of course it was unhealthy before. You only got along well becaue you squashed your entire self. That was likely a contributing factor in your breakdown as well as your abusive childhood. And the anger came out. As it should.

I understand and I agree that an extra screen helps enormously. But this is something that has already happened and at the moment repeatedly coming back to this seems to be preventing from sorting your life right now, because, as I understand, you are still living in the hoard. It wasn’t great in the past, but most importantly it’s still not great right now. It’s the right now part that can be improved.

The problem is that your H’s hoarding can only be addressed by him, if he doesn’t want to help himself, you can’t change him or force him to change.

You can, however, change yourself. It’s hard and scary, but doable. You can seek a different, short-term therapy that would allow you to make peace with the fact that the past cannot be changed and get a concrete, small steps for you to move forward. Your current therapist seems to keep you stuck in this misery of reliving and reanalising past events while in the present you’re are also stuck in a miserable situation in a miserable house with a hoarder.

I know you don’t think that, but he did. Your whole relationship is marked his subtle strategies to sabotage and control you. Not necessarily consciously - a lot of his behaviour such as the hoarding has powerful unconscious drivers he has no insight into and little control over.

Before I saw your post I was going to ask if you had a diagnosis of CPTSD and I can now see that you have. You need a psychologist who has significant experience of treating women with CPTSD, not a therapist.
You need to start communicating clearly with people. Your savings you and your husband have are joint savings so tell him they need to go in a joint account and you need a card so you can access them. There should be no asking him to transfer you money.
Tell your sister that you need her to transfer the 50k to you by xx date in an email and if she doesn't then you need to seek legal advice.
Your relationship is unhealthy. You both need to work on yourselves and then maybe you can come back together in the future. Start looking at flats and what you can afford.

@PurpleBugz Really helpful post, one of the best on the thread.

Ok so I have shitty parents and then went on to an emotionally and financially abusive marriage. It did progress to physical abuse but only after he had pushed me to a breakdown then it was fairly easy to accept I had driven him to the violence. He genuinely had me convinced he was supporting me and trying to help and that my mental health was the problem. Had me telling professionals his version of what was happening. Eventually I had to leave him because he lost his temper and hurt our child. I left and went through a hellish time fighting him over child arrangements money etc. But you know what happened I suddenly was mentally well again. Stressed and tired and upset and scared h by it I knew what reality was, I didn't have any worries around money as I was in control of my money. My social life etc I could go out and not suffer the emotional punishments he would give me but then frame as my mental health. So many of the things you are saying about your husband are reminding me of my ex. I once threw a mug accross the room in anger and spent so long thinking I had anger problems and was a horrible person so guilty I was so ashamed but once I left him I remembered why I'd thrown that mug the things he had been doing all day and that he wouldn't leave me alone I was walking room to room to escape and he was following and pushing and pushing until I snapped because he wouldn't leave me alone and I couldn't escape. But I had to escape him to see it. It sounds to me this may be happening in your case.

You said you never argued before your breakdown. But that you kept everything bottled up. But also he was not transporting money in time and not letting you get a desk top which you needed and not going out for meals unless on holiday etc. I would think disagreements in not arguments would be expected here. How did you not have an argument over the computer situation? Friends say your relationship looked really good because they never saw you arguing etc but that's not really good that's you putting up with what does sound like financial and emotional abuse and letting it build and build then the phd pushed you over.

My one ex has a new relationship and I hear their relationship is nothing like how he was with me. She probably believes him when he says all his exs were crazy liers. But my kids come home saying his gf cools and cleans and looks after the kids, she drives him about like his personal taxi. Meek in her place woman alto so he doesn't have to abuse her. He only abused me when I pushed for him to do any housework or allow me part of financial decisions etc if I had just done it all and never challenged his rule he would've not needed to.

I really am worried for you. You haven't said your family told social services lies. They have the facts and question if it's abuse. A lot of what you say does sound like control and abuse. I think you should at least trial living separately if you won't end it completely and see how your mental health fairs without him there influencing it. Maybe you won't cope without him but you don't have kids to worry you need to keep sane to care for you can fall back on the welfare state if you need to and honestly sound like you are capable you worked and got a PhD!

It must be very difficult to live with a hoarder and not have space to work or move about without clutter. Maybe you need a trial separation from your DH to see if your MH gets better without him around. Your family who reported your DH are clearly worried about you. There are various types of abuse.

It really comes across as not seeing the forest for the trees. Did you manage to finish your PhD? If not, it’s been 8 years and dwelling on the past of not having a desktop computer while speaking in the Library of Congress does you no good. FYI, I’m also an academic and I have not had a desktop computer since I was an undergraduate student, it’s very common not to have one unless you are into gaming.

I agree with a PP who suggested short term structured therapy with homework and concrete milestones that would allow you to move forward. The past is in the past and reliving it endlessly stops you from moving forward and living your life. You cannot change other people and you cannot change the past. Raging over your broken high flying career is understandable but when you are at the point when this rage prevents you from getting your life in order and building a new high flying career (if that’s what you want), it becomes an act of self sabotage.