Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

You were masking, I’d say. If you are neurodivergent but ‘pretending’ to be neurotypical the strain can be immense. It’s notable that you had your breakdown after you completed your PhD.

If you’re ND, it’s likely your husband is too. I’m much more tolerant of my DH’s little peculiarities than his ex was, because I have ND traits of my own (raging ADHD). We spend forever getting things done in the house, btw, but eventually one of us snaps and orders the blinds or whatever. Actually, we agreed on the blinds three weeks ago but they haven’t been ordered yet!

Please get away from them all for your own sanity. You are worth more than this.

The entire situation sounds like a dumpster fire - you need to get out and be on your own. You both sound abusive and the entire thing is a disaster waiting to happen.

Do you feel a trial separation from your H might eliminate some of the frustrations you are feeling due to his perceived behaviour? Whilst he in some instances might have been supportive, latterly re the hoarding, reluctance in relation to finances to share, and refusal to engage in any sort of counseling doesn’t sound helpful. Indeed these behaviours might be inflaming the whole situation.

You need to take some responsibility, however, regarding the ‘volcano of rage’ you expose him to. He could well be grieving the loss of his quiet, agreeable wife. Not that that gives permission to scream and subject you to extreme verbal abuse tho. Maybe you both need a little time apart without the irritation of each other?

It feels like a lot of posters are ignoring the abuse the OP suffered at the hands of her parents as a child and are keen to call her husband abusive because he's a man. The OP is verbally abusive to him, she flies off in rages, he's probably walking on eggshells a lot of the time (which, when a woman posts on here saying she feels that way, everyone points out her husband is being abusive). She blames him for not wanting to speak to her abusive parents.

She has an inheritance and receives money from him (fairly) but complains if its late. Everyone here jumps to financial abuse but maybe he just loses track given everything else he has to do - he's got all the pressure of being the sole earner, he does the shopping and various other chores the OP mentioned, he has to help manage the OPs problems. Maybe he is just pouring from an empty cup.

I am glad you are seeing a psychologist with relavant experience.

It sounds like you have CPTSD from your childhood and you spent years and years suppressing your emotions until you could take it no longer.

Your relationship sounds like it was always unhealthy due to both of your mental health difficulties. You suppressed your emotions with led to you being passive in your relationship. It sounds like you were so desperate to be loved that you did anything to please and keep the peace with your husband.

You need to take time to be on your own so that you can heal and grow. Your relationship dynamics is too unhealthy for you to heal whilst in it. Your resentment of your husband is evident.

@LucyLoo1972 please leave him. You won’t get better with him around.

One thing that strikes me is you’re labelling everyone as abusive but blaming your own abusive nature on your breakdown. Mental illness is no excuse for abuse, of course he wouldn’t want to be in the same room as you when your “rage is uncontrollable”. Seems like you need to sort yourself out, cut contact with your abusive family and leave your husband.

Hello, I have read most of your responses and trying to piece things together. At work but didn't want to read and run. The two things that leap out to me are PTSD from trauma and 8 YEARS in therapy. I don't think your therapy is working. Please please explore more up to date approaches to the treatment of trauma. Rapid Eye Movement Therapy in particular is a possible route although works there may be some difference in effectiveness / application between using it for people who have experienced acute trauma as opposed to your complex and chronic childhood trauma. Read The Body Keeps the Score if you haven't already and follow the path it leads to getting the trauma out of of your body. You are describing very severe and extreme manifestations of the impacts of your abuse and this trumps everything domestic and even relational between you and your husband. Until this is dealt with it will be harder for you to find a way to reconcile and move forward with your life. Lean on the social services if you need to get the help you so desperately need. Wishing you well.

I’m sorry to say this, but despite you saying you feel safe and happy with your husband, nothing you’ve actually said about him supports this.
I suspect that your view of safe and supportive is still modelled on your abusive upbringing. Unsafe feels familiar and therefore safe.

I mean this kindly, I really do. But there is no easy way of saying it.

Your mum, your dad and your sister all abused you. None are in prison, and you’re still in contact with all. Not just in contact but confiding in them.

Your husband sounds as though he’s cared for you some horrific times but in your eyes, he’s also abusive too.

Is there chance (I’m basing this on knowledge of real situations) that you may be neurodivergent and your experiences of growing up may have been what caused you trauma? It can be truly horrifically traumatic to grow up neurodivergent in a neurotypical world and these diagnoses are very frequently missed and misdiagnosed in women of your age.

The dramatic way you write and the you-centred tone of it just reminds me of things I have experienced personally. Things like not seeing the irony and publishing a post where you subtley allege abuse while also saying you explode like a volcano of rage yourself.

Equally - in the kindest possible way, I have seen first hand what having a therapist can do if any of the above is true. They take the world as it feels to you and they embrace and validate it and make it real. But is it all real? Because normal human emotions get in the way of things and therapy will sometimes/often take a very YOU centred approach to the degree that if you say it or you feel it, then it’s fact. But life isn’t like that. You can also be in the wrong, you can be acting irrationally, but some therapists don’t deal with that, they go into your world and remain there.

I have typed and deleted this so many times as I know I’m going to be jumped on, but sometimes just automatically believing someone doesn’t necessarily help them.

Your husband doesn’t sound abusive. Your marriage sounds awful on both sides. You need space to heal alone. As a side note, your husband sounds like he has some significant mental health struggles of his own that it doesn’t sound as though he’s getting support with.

What positive small steps could you take to move forward op?

For example - can you order the blinds, go out today and get a radio, or clear yourself a space?