Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

@Mirabai OP had money and yet her DH didn’t “let” her have key things. That is because she is under his control. You bought yourself a fan when your DH didn’t want one because you are in a normal relationship and not being controlled by your DH

Where is your evidence for this? Absolutely nothing OP has written evidences that he is a controlling abuser. I mean, maybe that is the case, but also, it’s every bit as likely he is not and the core issue was OP and abnormal thought processes from the get go. No one knows from what has been written here.

Putting DH and family aside, I wonder OP if you’ve switched your love of learning and analysis that you obviously have from doing your PHD inwards.
so rather than focusing on doing something constructive and forward thinking, you’re instead trying to analyse every moment of the past to try and “work things out”. Sometimes this just isn’t helpful.

You’ve worded it better than me

Thing is though - he’s simply gone i think that’s a waste of money. OP then just doesn’t get it. She’s already said he wouldn’t do anything if she did. So really, he’s just giving his opinion and she’s taking it as law perhaps due to her past trauma.

Stop making things up. The OP has at no point said anything more than “he procrastinates” or tries to say “we already have x” if she wants to biy something. She’s not said that he shouts, withdraws, or in any other way punishes her if she wants to get something.

@LucyLoo1972 I say this with compassion; people are concerned about the nature of your relationship both with your partner and your therapist.
Both relationships sound like they have elements of co dependency.

I think you need to look for a trustworthy organisation to give you support and find a new therapist. I suggest you start by talking to your GP, and contact MIND for support.

This is another example of not really understanding abusive dynamics.

OP had money and yet her DH didn’t “let” her have key things. That is because she is under his control.

You bought yourself a fan when your DH didn’t want one because you are in a normal relationship and not being controlled by your DH.

I have a serious problem empathising with your posts OP because of the dramatic and hyperbolic language you use to describe your experience.

I’m trying to understand: is your husband a hoarder as in “he doesn’t throw anything out, I have to navigate around litter in the house and outside” or as in “he has a sizeable collection of vinyl records”? Or something in between, as in “no litter in the house but several sizeable collections, e.g., vinyls, vintage lego, ZX Spectrum spares”?

yes we have a turntable. one of the problems is there are thousands of records so I can't choose which music to listen to as I can't find it. life shouldn't have to be that hard with thousands stored up - what's the point

But it’s not that hard. Why are you making it hard. Who cares about the records and record player. If that doesn’t work for you then simply buy Spotify. It’s very easy to find all the songs you want. What’s stopping you from doing this as opposed to not listening to music and complaining all of his vinyl records make it impossible for you to listen to music? I purchased one of those little megaboom speakers and my phone connects Spotify to it when I want to listen to music at home. It has a really big sound for something so small. These things are easily fixed. They don’t need your therapist to get your DH in to explain how his disordered vinyl collection inhibits you listening to music and affects your mental health. Again, I’d reconsider your therapist if this is where you are 8 years later and with what seems like some questionable output on their end.

OP, this could ultimately be helpful. I was in a similar situation - outing so won't post too much here - and we ended up with children's services involved. I cared for DH for seven years after he had a major breakdown, then eventually had a breakdown myself.

Both breakdowns - DH and I - were linked to our own childhood trauma.

Ultimately, we could have done with a lot more support a lot sooner.

Caring for someone after a breakdown is incredibly tough. Could it be that your DH could do with extra support too? I have had moments where I was far less than perfect and we had SS involvement due to DH's verbal abuse during manic phases. DH and I both ended up with support from the local carer's network because we realised we were caring for each other

I'm not in any sense saying verbal abuse is okay - I ended up with DVS involved before it was all resolved and thought for a long time that we might end up divorcing.

I would look at it as a potential avenue of support, which can be incredibly difficult to access. Have you told SS about your relationship with your family and childhood trauma? They are usually pretty canny when it comes to difficult family relations.

It is completely devastating having SS poking around - I think it caused part of my breakdown - but in the end, they were helpful and put us in touch with some assistance that we could have done with from the start.

I was the same. A man I thought was my best friend - I stuck to him for years.
Eventually I left him. It was really hard at first, but I met someone else who treats me well and it is a night and day difference to my mental health.
Turned out that man had been abusing me emotionally for years but I just couldn’t see it because I thought I was lost without him.

My anger is always about why he didn't help me when I asked for help and said I was struggling before my breakdown and some of his finical choices during the moths before my submission (if oeuvre does a phd then you will know how incredibly difficult it is to finish work you have been doing for sic years). I needed to pay for some interviews to be transcribed and needed some space clearing in the house os I had space to work and for my books amongst the hundreds and hundreds of books. it was overwhelming. but he didn't help with that and I lost the career I worked for

I think the issue is many are having a hard time now the narrative has swung somewhat from he was abusive as never ‘let’ you buy a radio or computer to descriptions like the above, where it seems that when you were well, high achieving, in a good job, with what would be assumed a good salary to go with, YOU chose not to do these things. It wasn’t that he didn’t let you but he made a comment and you chose not to. Then claim it was abusive behaviour from him that led to a breakdown.

For example you say you couldn’t get a radio or computer because you once bought towels and he made a comment that it was a waste because he liked old scratchy towels. It makes no sense. The normal approach would be to respond to your DH ‘No, it’s not a waste because I want nice new soft towels. If you like the old scratchy ones, that’s great, you use them and I’ll use the nice new soft ones’. His problem if he wants to use shitty old scratchy towels. Then buy a radio and computer if and as you want. If he comments on the computer a normal response would be ‘oh no, it’s not a waste, it’s for me, not you, you don’t have to use it, it’s for my research work’. As for space, you could have cleared that, just get everything in the way, pile it up somewhere in the room and tell him his stuff is over there, you needed some work space. It’s obvious something was amiss before the breakdown as your behaviour beforehand was not normal.

Last summer, I thought a (freestanding) fan would be a good idea. In natural conversation I mentioned this and that I had it on my list to get one. DH went on that we didn’t need one, it was such a waste, blah, blah. So I just ordered a fan. Because I wanted one. I didn’t NOT order the fan, suffer, and then claim DH was abusive for not letting me have the fan. I mean, what was going to happen - he would divorce me over buying a fan when he thought it wasn’t needed🤣. Okay. He could crack the fuck on with that if he felt that strongly. Not surprisingly, I then didn’t get to use the fan much as he discovered how marvellous it was and funnily it appeared to migrate to his work area🤣🤣🤣. So obviously I bought another😆.

Edited to add, I’d really consider another therapist at this point as not sure the current one is doing more harm than good to be frank. I do think therapy is needed but maybe give consideration to trialling someone else?

What device are you accessing MN on? Can you not listen to music on that?

I agree. If my husband started shouting and screaming at me because his therapist told him that was a way to process teenage trauma I wouldn’t be impressed.

Have You had this same therapist for the whole time op?

The more you talk about your therapist the worse it sounds to be honest. He should t be armchair diagnosing your husband

you’ve been stuck like this for EIGHT YEARS. You’re getting angry about what in themselves are quite minor things from eight years ago (sorry but even the desktop computer thing is minor). You need someone who will help you move forward not keep raking up the past.

nobody noticed anything bad about our marriage either except for the quips about how I deserve a medal for being able to put up with my husband.

Can you see that that is a non sequitur? They saw what he was like and marvelled that you could put up with him. But in the end you couldn’t and you cracked.