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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

409 replies

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 05:02

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 02/08/2024 14:34

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 11:49

no I've not had that one mentioned but I did love too much yes. to a ridiculous degree.

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https://www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099474123

inamarina · 02/08/2024 14:31

Timinfuckingruislip · 02/08/2024 12:33

Stop making things up. The OP has at no point said anything more than “he procrastinates” or tries to say “we already have x” if she wants to biy something. She’s not said that he shouts, withdraws, or in any other way punishes her if she wants to get something.

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Exactly.

inamarina · 02/08/2024 14:30

Mirabai · 02/08/2024 12:29

This is another example of not really understanding abusive dynamics.

OP had money and yet her DH didn’t “let” her have key things. That is because she is under his control.

You bought yourself a fan when your DH didn’t want one because you are in a normal relationship and not being controlled by your DH.

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But how do you know with such certainty that there were abusive dynamics at play in OP’s case?
Why did her husband saying “do we really need this” stop her from purchasing the things she wanted when she had a good income?

inamarina · 02/08/2024 14:20

HoppingPavlova · 02/08/2024 12:12

My anger is always about why he didn't help me when I asked for help and said I was struggling before my breakdown and some of his finical choices during the moths before my submission (if oeuvre does a phd then you will know how incredibly difficult it is to finish work you have been doing for sic years). I needed to pay for some interviews to be transcribed and needed some space clearing in the house os I had space to work and for my books amongst the hundreds and hundreds of books. it was overwhelming. but he didn't help with that and I lost the career I worked for

I think the issue is many are having a hard time now the narrative has swung somewhat from he was abusive as never ‘let’ you buy a radio or computer to descriptions like the above, where it seems that when you were well, high achieving, in a good job, with what would be assumed a good salary to go with, YOU chose not to do these things. It wasn’t that he didn’t let you but he made a comment and you chose not to. Then claim it was abusive behaviour from him that led to a breakdown.

For example you say you couldn’t get a radio or computer because you once bought towels and he made a comment that it was a waste because he liked old scratchy towels. It makes no sense. The normal approach would be to respond to your DH ‘No, it’s not a waste because I want nice new soft towels. If you like the old scratchy ones, that’s great, you use them and I’ll use the nice new soft ones’. His problem if he wants to use shitty old scratchy towels. Then buy a radio and computer if and as you want. If he comments on the computer a normal response would be ‘oh no, it’s not a waste, it’s for me, not you, you don’t have to use it, it’s for my research work’. As for space, you could have cleared that, just get everything in the way, pile it up somewhere in the room and tell him his stuff is over there, you needed some work space. It’s obvious something was amiss before the breakdown as your behaviour beforehand was not normal.

Last summer, I thought a (freestanding) fan would be a good idea. In natural conversation I mentioned this and that I had it on my list to get one. DH went on that we didn’t need one, it was such a waste, blah, blah. So I just ordered a fan. Because I wanted one. I didn’t NOT order the fan, suffer, and then claim DH was abusive for not letting me have the fan. I mean, what was going to happen - he would divorce me over buying a fan when he thought it wasn’t needed🤣. Okay. He could crack the fuck on with that if he felt that strongly. Not surprisingly, I then didn’t get to use the fan much as he discovered how marvellous it was and funnily it appeared to migrate to his work area🤣🤣🤣. So obviously I bought another😆.

Edited to add, I’d really consider another therapist at this point as not sure the current one is doing more harm than good to be frank. I do think therapy is needed but maybe give consideration to trialling someone else?

Edited

I agree. In my own marriage, both me and my husband have been sole providers for periods of time.
Both of us made comments like “Do we really need this?” in the past.
If anything, I’m probably the more frugal one in our relationship.
That doesn’t mean my husband just has to agree with me if I’m not being over enthusiastic about getting a fan or whatever (and the same applies vice versa).
Less than perfect behaviour from your partner and things like being overly cautious with money/ procrastinating/ forgetting things/ hoarding and similar aren’t necessarily signs of abuse.
People aren’t perfect.

HoppingPavlova · 02/08/2024 13:50

@Mirabai his extreme extreme frugality led to extreme stress on me in our marriage and my therapists things was a factor in my breakdown

Take the therapist aspect out as they appear dubious and you are left with his extreme frugality. HIS frugality. At some point there is/was a choice to join in on this. OP can’t identify anything (with 8 years of therapy to assist in teasing this out) that made him controlling, and says so. Maybe it’s you thinking in stereotypes?

My DH could come on here and give a story, that would be true to him. I’m sure you’d be the first to call out controlling abuse on my part. I could come on here and give a different story about the exact same situation and most people would say he is a completely unreasonable dickhead. As the saying goes, there’s someone’s story, and then there’s reality and the truth generally lies somewhere inbetween. So how you are so certain of everything from anyone’s story about anything on the Internet is amazing.

A good example is DH could come on here and lament that whenever we go away I won’t spend any money on decent accommodation but make him stay in horrible hotels. He’s tried booking himself in the past but I’ve made my displeasure known and now I take over and book first. It’s not as though we don’t have the money to spend on something decent but she (being I) insists on making us stay in very crappy places instead. That is the truth in his head as he sees it.

I would come on here and write that my husband is a complete dickhead who insists we spend thousands (yes, you read that correctly) on a room for the night that we would spend no time in other than to sleep. Think checking in, going straight out to see a place or shopping, having 30min back in room to dump shopping before going to dinner and concert, back to room late, straight into bed, sleep in until latest possible, go down to breakfast, race back as we now only have a very short time to have a 2min shower before making check out. So I believe we should stay in an average 5 star hotel as opposed to an uber luxe one so I try and snipe in and book something before he gets the chance so we can avoid wasting money unnecessarily. That’s the truth in my head as I see it.

As I said above the truth generally lies between someone’s story and reality because it’s all a matter of how they see/perceive it in their head. You just have to look at people like Harry for that to be blindingly obvious, someone’s story and truth as they honestly see and believe it is not necessarily the same as the reality of the situation.

murmuration · 02/08/2024 13:46

OP, you seem quite focused on the past and how wonderful things were before your breakdown. But, they weren't wonderful... you were living a partial life because of your CPTSD without even realising it. To move forward, I think you have to let go of your fantasy of this 'lost past'. You don't want to return to a life where you are bottled up out of fear of rocking the boat. You want to move forward with your life. I think you can do it. You seem to have a very good view of what's going on.

I do think a change of therapist may help to get a new perspective and try something different. As you do seem to have been stuck in a rut for a while now. Being together with DH may not be helpful for either of you at the moment.

PuddlesPityParty · 02/08/2024 13:33

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 12:57

no there wouldn't have been. it was thought processes which were not even operating at a conscious level for me is the only rationale I can think of.

I know I clarify things but which bits do you think I'm changing?

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I personally feel a few things have changed. In my opinion these are:

  • the music issue
  • therapist vs psychologist (you said you used therapist for ease but it took a lot of questioning from posters for this)
  • whether your husband was withholding money or not
  • the hoarding is unclear as pointed out by PP
swimlyn · 02/08/2024 13:33

Yalta · 02/08/2024 08:45

I think you went into this marriage as an escape from the abusive family situation and whilst your Dh isn’t overtly (to you) abusive., to anyone looking in, it’s a sea of red flags

The first years of your marriage you seem to have ignored and ignored the red flags because it was better than your childhood.

But it’s like death by a 1000 cuts and all those times he says, you don’t need this or that or with holding money for a day or 2 when you need it or the hoarding 1 item at a time is just pressure. And like all build up of pressure you exploded

He has you trained well if you are questioning whether you can have a radio

He would never intentionally hurt me

But he is hurting you every single minute of the day with the hoarding, the financial abuse, the coercion to accept his ways.

Then you are surprised that SS got involved

Why?

Did you answer their questions truthfully or reply with an explanation why he does this or that

Life is for living and going out and travelling and connecting with other people.

You don’t get any prizes for not dressing well or having £200,000 in the bank

The problem with being frugal is it becomes a habit you can’t break when you have the funds to live comfortably and ends up as just being mean

This.

A thousand times this.

itsmylife7 · 02/08/2024 13:31

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 11:05

I've heard that from my psychologist. and that people from abuse situations have a low bar for what they think is acceptable. I can actually remember thinking to myself this house is really getting me down but I can't complain because he doesn't shout or hit me.

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This statement is why you allowed him to dictate your life.

I bet you've said this many times,in your head, when your needs have been pushed aside.

You're filled with rage that you allowed this all to happen because " he doesn't beat me up "

swimlyn · 02/08/2024 13:24

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 05:36

I agree I am my own worst enemy. I am so desperate and I know I've made things worse. I didn't understand the second sentence sorry.

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OP, you should definitely bear in mind that some posters on here just love to ‘victim blame’ with their unhelpful posts.

Abitofalark · 02/08/2024 13:17

There are so many unknowns here it's hard to be confident of giving advice on what is best to do. Have you a doctor and are you on medication to deal with whatever the psychosis involved or what if anything it left you with? Can you get your doctor to refer you for psychological treatment on the NHS? This would save money to go towards getting a new place to live and for your living expenses.

You seem in some of your comments chaotic or confused and in others very lucid. Also very preoccupied and going over and over what happened in the past. I do not know much about your complex condition but presumably that going over and over is part of the ptsd. And this preoccupation seems to be a reason for the outbursts of rage, along with reaction to the state you are living in, I mean the state of dependency, the financial strain and the state of the house.

The hoarding, the state of the house, the money stinginess and all of that seems to bear down heavily on you yet at the same time it is your security and stability, such as it is, and you are deeply bonded and dependent on your husband while also chafing against that.

Can you learn some calming techniques and take up some self-help practices such as daily walking in the open air, or doing a hobby such as art or design or photography or daily meditation or yoga or exercise routine? You've mentioned music. I'm sure it would be good to listen to what you enjoy.

You could be vulnerable in a way from the very people whom you depend upon in the family circle. Can you get some additional sources of support, such as from local charities - someone mentioned MIND which is a good suggestion - and what about your local church? People there may be able to provide befriending and help whether it's moral support or help to with things you'd like or need, such as getting new towels or a radio or some other nice things that make life more bearable.

You can get advice from CAB about state financial support - are you able to do any form of work or if not, would you qualify for disability allowances such as Personal Independence Payment? - and legal advice about other money matters, either your own or due from inheritance or from spousal support - from a local law centre if there is one. Social services could be another source of help in various ways. They're not just the threat that people often see them as.

Mirabai · 02/08/2024 13:14

Timinfuckingruislip · 02/08/2024 13:05

OPs therapist to be honest is either completely unprofessional- or the OP may be taking from the sessions what she wants to.

Anyone offering a professional service like this who hasn’t helped their client move forward after 8 years is dubious at best.

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While Im not overly impressed with the therapist it’s a valid point nonetheless.

However it’s not abnormal to see therapists for years and not feel like they have moved on. OP is going round in circles in her head. Her DH is a maintaining cause of some of her issues so that situation is ongoing.

Mirabai · 02/08/2024 13:08

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/08/2024 13:00

I'm not surprised you are still angry over the computer and the transcripts.

Your DH may be caring but he's not caring in the way you need - you are still living in a house where you have no say, because of his hoarding and traits. None of that has changed. Plus he won't seek help for himself either.

I think it's abusive behaviour from him. It's more subtle than some posters say, but it's controlled your life with him.

EMDR is amazing for trauma and you should explore it.

You need to leave your husband too.

You say you love him. Can I ask why? What is love to you? It sounds like codependency rather than love.

Yep.

OP has defined him as her safe place after an awful childhood, so the idea that he is not as safe as he seemed, indeed that he is part of the abuse dynamic from childhood is very destabilising to her, at at time she is already feeling destabilised from mental illness.

His control is very subtle which is why some posters are not getting it.

Timinfuckingruislip · 02/08/2024 13:05

Mirabai · 02/08/2024 13:00

his extreme extreme frugality led to extreme stress on me in our marriage and my therapists things was a factor in my breakdown

Show quote history

OPs therapist to be honest is either completely unprofessional- or the OP may be taking from the sessions what she wants to.

Anyone offering a professional service like this who hasn’t helped their client move forward after 8 years is dubious at best.

Mirabai · 02/08/2024 13:04

HoppingPavlova · 02/08/2024 12:45

@Mirabai OP had money and yet her DH didn’t “let” her have key things. That is because she is under his control. You bought yourself a fan when your DH didn’t want one because you are in a normal relationship and not being controlled by your DH

Where is your evidence for this? Absolutely nothing OP has written evidences that he is a controlling abuser. I mean, maybe that is the case, but also, it’s every bit as likely he is not and the core issue was OP and abnormal thought processes from the get go. No one knows from what has been written here.

To you possibly not as you seem to be thinking in stereotypes.

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/08/2024 13:03

Ps, engage with social services. They may be able to help get the money off your sister if you tell them about that.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 13:01

Thelnebriati · 02/08/2024 12:32

@LucyLoo1972 I say this with compassion; people are concerned about the nature of your relationship both with your partner and your therapist.
Both relationships sound like they have elements of co dependency.

I think you need to look for a trustworthy organisation to give you support and find a new therapist. I suggest you start by talking to your GP, and contact MIND for support.

thanks. I'm codependent with my therapist for sure

OP posts:
Mirabai · 02/08/2024 13:00

PuddlesPityParty · 02/08/2024 12:33

Thing is though - he’s simply gone i think that’s a waste of money. OP then just doesn’t get it. She’s already said he wouldn’t do anything if she did. So really, he’s just giving his opinion and she’s taking it as law perhaps due to her past trauma.

Show quote history

his extreme extreme frugality led to extreme stress on me in our marriage and my therapists things was a factor in my breakdown

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/08/2024 13:00

I'm not surprised you are still angry over the computer and the transcripts.

Your DH may be caring but he's not caring in the way you need - you are still living in a house where you have no say, because of his hoarding and traits. None of that has changed. Plus he won't seek help for himself either.

I think it's abusive behaviour from him. It's more subtle than some posters say, but it's controlled your life with him.

EMDR is amazing for trauma and you should explore it.

You need to leave your husband too.

You say you love him. Can I ask why? What is love to you? It sounds like codependency rather than love.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 12:57

PuddlesPityParty · 02/08/2024 12:55

She’s already said there wouldn’t be. Seriously, you need to take any MN thread with a pinch of salt and realise it’s one side of the story and in this case from someone who keeps changing her story.

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no there wouldn't have been. it was thought processes which were not even operating at a conscious level for me is the only rationale I can think of.

I know I clarify things but which bits do you think I'm changing?

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 12:56

HoppingPavlova · 02/08/2024 12:45

@Mirabai OP had money and yet her DH didn’t “let” her have key things. That is because she is under his control. You bought yourself a fan when your DH didn’t want one because you are in a normal relationship and not being controlled by your DH

Where is your evidence for this? Absolutely nothing OP has written evidences that he is a controlling abuser. I mean, maybe that is the case, but also, it’s every bit as likely he is not and the core issue was OP and abnormal thought processes from the get go. No one knows from what has been written here.

yes honestly. Im the issue here. I don't believe he would have abused me or it would have made him think about leaving if I had asserted my needs more. the reason fro my need for approval being so strong at any cost to myself is from the childhood trauma I think or that's my best guess form being terrified of my father. my husband is an incredibly gentle and laid back person.

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 02/08/2024 12:55

Mirabai · 02/08/2024 12:50

Frugality is how he frames his control. If OP really believed there would be no consequences and everything would be fine she would just have bought what she liked.

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She’s already said there wouldn’t be. Seriously, you need to take any MN thread with a pinch of salt and realise it’s one side of the story and in this case from someone who keeps changing her story.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 12:53

Timinfuckingruislip · 02/08/2024 12:41

Putting DH and family aside, I wonder OP if you’ve switched your love of learning and analysis that you obviously have from doing your PHD inwards.
so rather than focusing on doing something constructive and forward thinking, you’re instead trying to analyse every moment of the past to try and “work things out”. Sometimes this just isn’t helpful.

yes that spot on I think and some I just can't understand and never will and I have to accept that but for some reason its so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 12:51

RedditFinder · 02/08/2024 12:12

I was the same. A man I thought was my best friend - I stuck to him for years.
Eventually I left him. It was really hard at first, but I met someone else who treats me well and it is a night and day difference to my mental health.
Turned out that man had been abusing me emotionally for years but I just couldn’t see it because I thought I was lost without him.

Edited
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what kind of things did the emotional abuse look like if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
Mirabai · 02/08/2024 12:50

PuddlesPityParty · 02/08/2024 12:33

Thing is though - he’s simply gone i think that’s a waste of money. OP then just doesn’t get it. She’s already said he wouldn’t do anything if she did. So really, he’s just giving his opinion and she’s taking it as law perhaps due to her past trauma.

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Frugality is how he frames his control. If OP really believed there would be no consequences and everything would be fine she would just have bought what she liked.