Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

Well no you didn’t because you only spoke about a radio. Seriously OP you’re going to have to take some responsibility.

But there are plenty of people out there for whom it isn’t a choice between thousands per night or a five star hotel either, even on reasonable income. I know several who go camping/ stay in airbnbs or inexpensive hotels.
Not wanting to spend 7 Euros on breakfast does sound stingy, but given the choice between a 60 and a 100 Euro place to basically just spend the night in, I’d probably also opt for the cheaper one.

Well now you once you described the hoarding I think it’s a good thing that SS are involved. Even if it’s a clean Vivian Meyer-style hoard having these many things is a health and fire hazard so in your shoes I would definitely use the opportunity of their involvement to get some help.

And again, please seek help to stop reliving the past. It keeps you stuck on repeat, as on this thread. What would you like to do in the future? Do you want to live in the hoard? Would you like to slowly rebuild your career? If you worked in a senior position in a large charity, I’m sure it’s possible to revive your network and get back on your feet, return to a fulfilling career and maybe get rid of the hoarding husband in the long run.
Does your therapist have a plan to finalise your therapy? Any short and long term goals you are expected to work towards?

You are stuck.

The past is done but you are looping it over and over.

You have had 8 years of therapy and you are still stuck. You are not moving forwards.

You need a new psychologist.

That much I think every single person who has commented can agree on.

For what it’s worth I am very unsure on the benefits of therapy for someone presenting in this way. You remind me hugely from the way you post of 2 people I know IRL. One is my young adult child. His reality and his ‘trauma’ doesn’t actually match reality. He is traumatised from being a neurodivergent person in a neurotypical world. Attempts with therapy were like a loop because the therapist was looking for things that didn’t exist and missing the glaringly obvious fact - a large source of the trauma was from being neurodivergent.

I wholeheartedly agree with others who said they think your PhD has left you in severe burnout.

If don’t believe OP’s “story” why are you here

Because I believe OP believes their (presuming but not sure, ‘her’) story. Because I believe OP’s therapist is questionable. Because in these cases it’s perfectly natural to want to try and put things forward to an OP that they may need to think about - such as what they believe as truth and whether it is (it well may be, or it may not be), and whether considering another therapist may be a possibility. Surely, the only reason to be in any thread is not only if you agree with an OP and wish to be an echo chamber - or is that the criteria you believe should be applicable to be on a thread?

the hoarding is not like hoarders tv or anything at all like that. it is clean. having said that every magazine that has been bought since the 1990s has been kept and there are multiple kinds of music magazines.
not one article of his clothing has been thrown away.
he has an attachment to things with information even ifs t is not relevant to him- so for example, he has kept every one of my magazines and will not let me throw them out. so cosmo from 20 years ago. I find that level of clutter overwhelming. the more stuff you have the harder it is to manage a household.
he would bring home from holiday empty paper ice cream cups for example. it is a mental health condition. he won't move it to a storage facility which we could afford or let me touch it. and in the midst of this I don't have clear space to work and wrote my thesis sitting on my bed. with not one clear bookshelf for my academic books.

the towels things is an example of how he doesn't like replacing old things ever.

well the childhood trauma was certainly real. it was very severe although somehow I managed to be extremely high functioning unitil 44. the Phd was insanely stressful and was the immediate trigger fro the breakdown for sure and for complicated reasons.

in my case the therapist is not looking for things that don't exist in relation to my childhood. there was trauma there which no doubt wired my brain to be neurodivergent. and make for an unhealthy dynamic with my husband although I felt so happy at the time with my life as it was so fulfilled with him and my work. it was a very happy relationship in so so many ways. he is a kind and good person.

what the peculiar things that I was exceptionally high functioning all round - socially, professionally, as far as I could do making a beautiful home, entertaining, a charity trustee, travelling internationally multiple times a year. and completing a phd with no corrections over six years without missing a single deadline. it didn't seem like neurodivergnece was holding me back in any way. I never felt overwhelmed at the time and I never consciously felt frustrated with my husband and yet the psychotic breakdown and delusions were so so severe my life was in danger - I mean I believed I was an actual snake for a period of time.

I’ve read all of her posts too. It seems like her husband has his own mental health issues.
The fact that things like his “hoarding” (unsure about the extent of it) are creating stress for OP doesn’t automatically make him abusive in my opinion. I’m sure you’ll disagree though.
Another poster described it well using the example of booking more or less expensive hotel rooms.
In every relationship you can find certain behaviours that could be framed as abuse if you start including things like asking “do we really need new towels”.

you say the therapist is trying EDMR now. It doesn’t sound as if they are qualified or have any experience in this area if they are only now trying it after 8 years. Try it with an experienced EDMR specialist. You might be surprised what this technique will uncover. And a new therapist is a good idea anyway.

But he hasn’t done those things - you’re feeding that narrative.

• if Op wants music she evidently has access to it - she’s on MN - she can get YouTube/spotify whatever
• he procrastinated over the blinds - so has OP
• Op had a job - she could have purchased the desktop computer at that time
• Op doesn’t work - I’d be questioning the need for a cleaner (but to be honest you’d need to sort the hoarding before getting a cleaner anyway)

yes we have a turntable. one of the problems is there are thousands of records so I can't choose which music to listen to as I can't find it. life shouldn't have to be that hard with thousands stored up - what's the point

But it’s not that hard. Why are you making it hard. Who cares about the records and record player. If that doesn’t work for you then simply buy Spotify. It’s very easy to find all the songs you want. What’s stopping you from doing this as opposed to not listening to music and complaining all of his vinyl records make it impossible for you to listen to music? I purchased one of those little megaboom speakers and my phone connects Spotify to it when I want to listen to music at home. It has a really big sound for something so small. These things are easily fixed. They don’t need your therapist to get your DH in to explain how his disordered vinyl collection inhibits you listening to music and affects your mental health. Again, I’d reconsider your therapist if this is where you are 8 years later and with what seems like some questionable output on their end.

You are stuck.

The past is done but you are looping it over and over.

You have had 8 years of therapy and you are still stuck. You are not moving forwards.

You need a new psychologist.

That much I think every single person who has commented can agree on.

For what it’s worth I am very unsure on the benefits of therapy for someone presenting in this way. You remind me hugely from the way you post of 2 people I know IRL. One is my young adult child. His reality and his ‘trauma’ doesn’t actually match reality. He is traumatised from being a neurodivergent person in a neurotypical world. Attempts with therapy were like a loop because the therapist was looking for things that didn’t exist and missing the glaringly obvious fact - a large source of the trauma was from being neurodivergent.

I wholeheartedly agree with others who said they think your PhD has left you in severe burnout.