Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

yes I absolutely am draining him. prior to the breakdown he lent on me probably more than I did on him. it kind of feels though that I have also been caught in the crossfire of his issues. Prior to the huge breakdown I was far far far more functional and together and reliable than him. in every sphere of life.

Yes. This is great insight OP. As your friends said you were his “rock”.

You have your own issues and you’ve got caught up in his issues. And that is why posters are suggesting you may need distance from him to sort yourself out.

You’re concerned about what you’ve put him through in the last 8 years but how much concern does he have about what he’s put you through in the last 30? How much insight does he have into how much his behaviour has affected your life? Has he offered to get help or try and change?

I totally understand how deeply painful that must have been. I hope you can forgive yourself as what came out in the breakdown inevitably would come out at some point, and it’s part of a process of integrating your childhood.

I know, I know, but can you see that in this folie à deux, he and his behaviours is part of the pressure? The so-called support comes at a huge price.

<I love you so much but I won’t let you have a cleaner or blinds and you have to do your PhD from your bed as you have no clear space to work.>

Like Edward Scissorhands - he hugs you while snipping you to shreds.

It’s your childhood you need to confront op. I know it’s hard and it hurts.

Tell DH this plan. Even if you need to move out while you work thru it to delineate and commit to the process fully ( and suggest he bins a few magazines ahead of your return!?) I think he’s been caught in the crossfire of your issues. But if the relationship is to work, you need to heal yourself. He had his own issues. He can’t manage both of your issues for both of your and it isn’t fair to expect it. It’s a partnership, and you need to be able to give as well as take and , kindly, I think right now you are draining him.

You are in fact blaming yourself too much and don’t want to acknowledge quite how dysfunctional your DH is and the extend to which it has contributed to your problems.

You’re not to blame for what happened, for your breakdown. You’ve been trying your best.

He may well never accept he has MH problems, but you recognizing it and supporting him stealthily is important too. So don't get angry with the hoarding and shouting at him but dealing with the bits you can yourself and finding a way to support him dealing with the other bits. You could even do it as a Christmas present, get a collection of the things he has collected linked to a theme, holidays for example find out the specific memory and then get the photo and story printed up and bound properly as a book to gift him. Whilst removing the actual items from the house

Hasn’t done what things? I quoted from the OP.

Of course OP can access music when she’s on MN I’m not saying she can’t but the thing she wanted - presumably in the early days she wanted ITunes, Spotify subscriptions are relatively recent - he blocked.

OP didn’t procrastinate over blinds she got a quote from Hillary’s which her husband blocked.

OP doesn’t work now but she did and it’s then she could have done with a cleaner.

I’m not aware that trauma causes or wires the brain to be neurodivergent. I would be more inclined to think the neurodivergence came first. But I’m not an expert in that area.

As with everyone else I don’t think your therapist is as helpful as you might think.

I suggest you go out this evening to the local supermarket or whatevers open and buy something you need but not an essential and something frivolous for yourself.

Buy yourself a book you want to read, a nice bar of chocolate (not the cheapest bar) etc and slowly get used to investing in yourself. Without looking for validation or permission from family or your husband.

Then when you get back to the world of work, book yourself a break a couple of times a year to a hotel of your choosing and start to value yourself

A trip to IKEA or similar for box files to tidy up the magazines, once out of husband's sight you can start to get rid of them. Or just get rid of things that belong to you, you don't need permission or to even mention it, just do it. Start with the old Cosmos just do it, pick them up and put them straight into the recycling bin.

His things are more complex but you need to support him in his MH crisis as he has you if you want to stay together. Taking photos of the objects and printing them out and writing the memory linked to it down in a scrapbook might be a nice activity to do together.

These are good thoughts op.

To be honest I am not so convinced as others about the abuse from DH. It must have been very hard for him. You have clearly been very volatile and confusing. Yes he has his faults - the hoarding and so forth. But we all have faults.I’m not quite so condemnatory of that sort of fault. I think he has stuck by you through great challenges.

Personally , my suspicion is that your childhood is the knot to untangle here. I think it lay out of sight and circumstances conspired to cause it to erupt. I think you need a fresh therapist and therapy targeted at that part of your life.

So you have not worked anywhere besides doing your PhD? I understood from your posts that you had a high flying/high earning career before starting your PhD studies.

Returning to academia after such a long break will not be easy, the competition is high and if you’re just after your phd you’ll be starting at the very bottom of the ladder. Not impossible, but the risk that you’ll get stuck in yet another rehash of your glorious past is real.

I misunderstood your posts and thought about the possibility to return to the career you had before your phd, you mentioned you had a senior position somewhere. Having a PhD title certainly helps in getting (back to) senior positions in many fields.

We can agree he has mental health issues. I didn’t say the hoarding itself was abusive, but when controlling behaviours extend to controlling someone else’s life that is a form of emotional abuse. And the effect on OP is to contribute to stress, distress and discomfort in her life, and to her mental health difficulties.