Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

I think everything you are saying is extremely exaggerated.

If you had had the kind of breakdown you allude to before being pushed for detail, you’d have been sectioned and had significant inpatient treatment.

Things have clearly all come to a head for you at that point, but if the experts said you were not suffering from psychosis and did not need anti psychotics, then politely you did not suffer medically defined psychosis.

Likewise, if the abuse was physical and was as severe as you allude to, your father would have been arrested.

Focus on moving forwards not telling these stories about the past. I think you’re constantly rewriting history because you’re stuck there and with every replay you’re adding layers that probably don’t actually exist. Then you believe them and it becomes another ‘memory’. The core I have no doubt is real but it’s becoming skewed and exaggerated over time.

It seems that you are feeling confused because you have been abused your whole life by your parents, sister and now husband. They have twisted reality around to suit them and have used you as the scapegoat. It is not surprising at all that you don't trust your own mind because everyone has taught you to doubt yourself and always carry the blame for everything that goes wrong.

It also seems that your mental breakdown was caused by the huge stress of all your relationships compounded by the tremendous intellectual exertion of your PhD. Many of your suppressed memories and emotions emerged at this time and your subconscious thoughts and feelings burst out in rage, anger, and pain.

Now you are left trying to make sense of it all and that is a good thing. Your mind is telling you you have to accept and deal with all these feelings, you can no longer dissociate or hide from them. For your own good you must sort yourself out.
Please keep seeing your therapist who is trying to help you. Distance yourself from your family who have proven they do not have your best interests at heart. And lastly, you need to wake up and recognize all the damage your husband has been doing to you. Do not confront him. He will never admit to or apologize for hurting you. He is a very damaged person and is harming you.

You need to get away from these people and find yourself. Please continue getting all the professional help you can.

Presumably you were sectioned at the time of your breakdown as you stated physical harm etc, or at bare minimum under NHS crisis care. Who diagnosed you? Were you medicated? When were you officially diagnosed? I think you need to speak to your GP about getting referred back to your original mental health team.

I was thinking along similar lines and wondered and asked about NHS GP and if there was any continuing NHS treatment, and made some suggestions. I don't think there was an answer, unless of course I missed it.

I think you need to look to the future and make a future for yourself. Find yourself, what you like and enjoy your life. Not point thinking about the past. If you are happy with your husband company it is ok to stay with him, as soon as he doesn't mind the changes you will have to make to find yourself. I believe that you didn't get your needs met in the past because you didn't told anyone you had any needs to meet and you were just trying really hard to meet everyone else needs instead. You probably were not even aware you had any needs, so you were happy as soon as everyone else you were helping was happy. I don't think your husband made you ill either. You could have bough a second hand desktop for less than 100 pounds on ebay with your stipident. And you could have made enough space by moving things around. You also were very helpful for everyone else to the point that everyone though you were really efficient. It looks to me like you gave more than you had to everyone around you and not just your husband , and left nothing to find or be yourself. Your PhD and research about different cultures etc probably made you realise that you were not yourself, because you weren't. You didn't allow yourself to be yourself because you wanted to be too helpful to everybody and you wanted to be like and you did that by giving your own self. All you can do now is find yourself because you can't go back in time. For example One of the rooms in your home to be your own room and you can decorate as you want . Go and buy food and cook what you want and find what you like . Same with clothes etc. Also separate finances and have control of your own money. Find a job in anything, supermarket, get your own bankcard, find activities or similar so you get a social life and you have your own money. The savings in an account with both your names on it or invest on property etc, but if you can try to work so you don't depend on anyones salary or need to spend the savings in day to day . I think you give to much value to prestige and you have to learn to accept who you are now. If you can work as a professor or similar, do it, but if you can't, you can try to work in anything else with less stress and you are not less of a person, neither you have less value for doing so. Value has nothing to do with prestige or job or earnings. The value of a person is inside them. You can also leave your husband but I'm sure your husband will probably just be fine with a few changes anyway as he never asked you to be exactly like him or to have the same likes or views in life either. You can carve a life for yourself and still be in his life if it is that what you want as soon as he is willing to accept you and your own decisions and to give you your own space in the house, etc too . If he wants a copy of himself and he is unwilling to compromise you will have to leave because you now know you are your own person and your mind will not let you be at peace and happy unless you meet your own needs too, you can't be happy anymore with being a copy, helper of everyone else around you and not being your own person, because you are awake to the fact that you have the right to be yourself and to have your needs met too, if that makes sense.

good points

If he loves you and wants to help, he should support you financially to attend in patient treatment

Your dh despite being the only one SS is investigating doesn’t think this is down to you
Should read

Your dh despite being the only one SS is investigating doesn’t think this is down to him

my husband is veery very upset but says we need to work together

Why the word “we”

SS weren’t investigating you. This is just another way your dh is shifting the blame onto you. Give it a few days/weeks and there will be a shift from we need to work together to you need to

Your dh despite being the only one SS is investigating doesn’t think this is down to you

Again you aren’t picking up on the little things.

Whilst you say you wouldn’t have married anyone else, how many bf’s did you have, how many long term relationships did you have before settling for your dh. How many years did you date for, live together for before getting married

Interested to know the discussions you had each day. How much was focussed on him decompressing from work, going through his day (that in itself shows there is something wrong as no adult should need this amount of discussion about what they did at work that day every Saturday Nile day) or generally about him and his life and his personal needs and wants. How much of these discussions were about your day, what you did, your wants and needs and with no criticisms or explanations of why things could be better or why you don’t really need something.
How much of these discussions were about the brilliant future you could have

You still see this breakdown as not coming from anywhere and having nothing to do with what your dh put you through dripping his problems every single day into your ear.

Surely you got bored listening to him
surely you realised that this amount of decompression meant that what ever job he was doing was actually beyond his intellect.
Surely at some point you wanted to scream shut the fuck up. You are boring me to tears.
I suspect you did and rather than tackling these things you sat and took it, night after night year after year. That is why you had your breakdown
Your needs weren’t getting met.

Who’s decision was it to not have children
Can you go to a place before you met him and what you envisioned your life was going to be. Did children and/or a successful career feature

Did this breakdown happen when you were going through peri menopause or menopause because that could explain why your breakdown happened then as it was you recognising options you had, you had traded them to listen to a mean boring man talk about his day.

I really don’t know but it’s very clear to me from this thread that you need help OP, including the help from SS.

OP, you’ve contradicted yourself in your last two posts. You state there was no sign of instability or depression, yet also that you were so concerned to be an extremely perfect person, not to be a bother etc. These traits themselves indicate otherwise.
I have great empathy for you, but suggest you take any assistance available. Presumably you were sectioned at the time of your breakdown as you stated physical harm etc, or at bare minimum under NHS crisis care. Who diagnosed you? Were you medicated? When were you officially diagnosed? I think you need to speak to your GP about getting referred back to your original mental health team. Your thinking & narrative still seems a little disordered.
The more you write about your psychologist, the more concerned it is. Does your narrative given here really reflect their feedback to you? Giving their own opinions on your husband etc. is not per professional standards. You need to see a more objective person who can move you forwards.
I’m also not aware of any evidence that trauma causes neurodivergence. Happy to stand corrected. Reaction to trauma may cause behaviours not dissimilar to some traits commonly found in neurodivergent people which is why diagnosis in adults can be difficult. These are two very different situations requiring different therapeutic approaches.
I hope you can access the appropriate help you need to move forward safely and happily with your life.

LucyLoo your posts have resonated with me greatly. What shines through to me, and I’m probably going against the majority of replies here, is that I think there’s a real seam of strong love between you and your husband - strong on both sides. I have experience of some of the exasperating behaviour your husband displays and it’s very hard to change. But I’ve also noted the many times where you praise his core character. It may well be that despite your breakdown and the effect it’s had on your personality, and despite his meanness and hoarding, you are soul mates. Something you might think about is, of all the men you’ve met along the way in your life - is there anyone you’d rather have married? I suspect that the answer is no. I feel that the solution is for you both to seek help to make the marriage work for both of you. I know that other posters are calling him an abuser and saying you should leave. I think that with help you could find yourself, your real self, if you stay. You’ve been deprived of agency by your experience of abuse. But it’s possible to create your own agency, for example by insisting on carving out a space for yourself, your belongings, your hobbies. Your idea of having your own garden room is one route, although it doesn’t place any responsibility on your husband to give up any of his space.
In some ways the involvement of Social Services, irritating though it seems, may be the wake up call for both of you to work as a team to sort out your difficulties.
I wish you the very best.

OP, is your 'therapist' an actual certified medical professional? Doesn't sound like any I've ever come across. If anything, I'd say they are doing you NO favours.
You remain a perpetual 'victim' after 8 years but "my therapist says..." "that's what my therapist thinks as well..." What exactly are 'your doctors' doing for you? How are they helping you take control of your own life and move forward?

Your family reported that they were concerned for your wellbeing and safety at home. I would be as well and not necessarily because of your husbands actions. You are choosing to live in an environment where, after 8 years, you just aren't getting better. You seem to be able to justify that to yourself and you are getting a lot of sympathy on here which I suspect feeds whatever martyr syndrome you've got going on.
I suspect your husband is 'stuck' as well. If you aren't getting better, he's never going to be able to live his life either. He can't leave, whether because of guilt or fear of what you'd do, and you won't leave because you are dependant on the 'life' you are living.

You are not stable, that is clear. Whether that 'began' 8 years or not, no one here knows, but you're not helping yourself and your 'therapist' certainly isn't either.

You need more help and you most likely need more specialised support so please seek it out. You should take advantage of any assistance SS offered, Do it for yourself, no one else.

Hi Op I have read every one of your messages. I work with individual with MH diagnosis very day and the impact of trauma is certainly real no doubt about it. You are grieving the like before you breakdown which will look wonderful with rose tainted glasses ( but in reality there were still challenges) and the looking back is stopping you moving forward. I would suggest you read up a little about recovery,what is meant by MH recovery. It’s not a life absent of challenges, of symptoms etc but living a GOOD life despite these challenges. YOU DESERVE TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE , yes it won’t look like the one before but it can still be a happy one. What happened to you was awful, you as an child didnt deserve it nor as an adult howver in the kindness why possible you need some level of ( as unfair as it seems) Of acceptance of what’s happening. You can’t change the things that have happened but you can start to change your THOUGHTS about it. Going over and over and over on the why ‘s won’t help. Considering changing Therapist and plan actions with them. Remember you deserve to live a happy fulfilled life!!

I’m not talking about her psychotherapist in particular, just commenting on the general recovery process.

It’s not clear why you’re being so obnoxious on this thread.