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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

409 replies

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 05:02

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

OP posts:
CormorantStrikesBack · 02/08/2024 06:30

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 06:10

honestly I'm not totally sure what I think. I don't trust my judgement entirely. I would say the behaviour and relationship is in a terrible place but I am not sure I would say he is abusing me. He looks after me in lots of ways, cleaning, getting shopping in etc.

Show quote history

And this is what a lot of people in abusive relationships say. They just don’t see it.

he financially abuses you to a point you had a breakdown.

he verbally/emotionally abuses you. It also sounds like you might emotionally/verbally abuse him?

how much are you minimis8ng stuff both in your posts here and also to yourself? Just because you love him and just because sometimes he is lovely to you and kind does not mean he’s not also abusive at other times.

i can see why your family are worried and I don’t think going NC with them/isolating yourself from potential support is a good idea. Though I get if they’ve been abusive in the past that complicates things. But currently they seem to be looking out for you.

have you got children?

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 06:30

BonifaceBonanza · 02/08/2024 06:27

@LucyLoo1972 report your last post you’ve included identifying info

Hi sorry can you tell me where and how I can take it down please?

OP posts:
Avidreader12 · 02/08/2024 06:29

It doesn’t sound like a nice relationship if you’re clear your husband behaviours contributed to your breakdown and he is still abusing you then why are you continuing? You are angry and that doesn’t make a nice calm environment to live in. You say you love him but you have been describing him in a bad light to family and in therapy. Why not take space from both him and your family so you can live in a calmer environment.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 06:29

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 06:27

thank you - I do and have been in private therapy pretty much for the last eight years. it was being in that that made me see that some of my husbands behaviours even back then were not healthy especially the hoarding and procrastination and extreme frugality with money - not spending when we needed to on important things.

Show quote history

and I've gone form one extreme to another - a complete inability to ask for my needs to be met or even see them clearly to anger. my breakdown is os severe my daily functioning has gone from very very high flyer and juggling huge amounts to some kind of terrible freeze state unable to do anything.

OP posts:
BananaLambo · 02/08/2024 06:28

It certainly sounds like a toxic relationship and clearly neither of you are happy. Your family a rightly worried about you want want to make sure you are safe. It will have taken a lot for them to do this.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 06:27

BonifaceBonanza · 02/08/2024 06:24

You need to some long term regular therapy to help you recognise what’s healthy behaviour and what isn’t, both in yourself and others

thank you - I do and have been in private therapy pretty much for the last eight years. it was being in that that made me see that some of my husbands behaviours even back then were not healthy especially the hoarding and procrastination and extreme frugality with money - not spending when we needed to on important things.

OP posts:
BonifaceBonanza · 02/08/2024 06:27

@LucyLoo1972 report your last post you’ve included identifying info

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 06:25

Avidreader12 · 02/08/2024 05:54

Your family reported concerns the state acted on them because they have a duty of care. Yes it might feel like an overreach but it sounds like it was done from a place of kindness. You

Im not completely sure it is from a place of kindness tbh. My father has a vested interest in believing [name redacted] behaviours were the main factor in my breakdown because he doesn't like that the doctors and the neuroscience seem to suggest that extreme violence in early chapter has had a major impact - I mean. even the fact that I never rowed or disagreed with my husband in our marriage prior to the breakdown would seem to be rooted in that.

OP posts:
BonifaceBonanza · 02/08/2024 06:24

You need to some long term regular therapy to help you recognise what’s healthy behaviour and what isn’t, both in yourself and others

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 06:21

Borninabarn32 · 02/08/2024 06:13

In all honesty, you don't feel like a reliable narrator. I think his perspective and actually probably your families, would be very different. Seems like you're being abused left right and center while also exploding with anger at people.

You've been slagging your husband off to your family, accusing him of abusing you, so they've done what you do when someone says they're being abused and reported it.

yes - I don't even feel myself like a reliable narrator tbh. its like I don't trust my judgement after getting os mentally unwell. before I had the breakdown I wasn't even Abel to speak up clearly to my husband about the things that were very difficult fro me and honestly many of them I just could not see at the time. its ike my brain was doing a weird thing by keeping me blind to it in some way which my theorist says may have been a form of dissociation learned in childhood to avoid dealing with difficult things. the anger is a very strange thing. I never get angry about something he does, like loading the dishes wrong or something like that, its always about the horror of the whole situation of me losing my mind and how his behaviours contributed to it. But honestly I'm really confused and I do not feel I have my own mind. I can't stress how calm and rational I was before the breakdown - almost unnaturally calm I see now. It freaks me out what my mind has done. I was descending into madness whilst writing a phd passed with no corrections.

OP posts:
CortieTat · 02/08/2024 06:18

It sounds like your family have done this out of concern, your post comes across as very dramatic. If you’re husband is abusive you need to separate from him for your own good.

BonifaceBonanza · 02/08/2024 06:18

Go no contact with the family who reasonably reported a concern when you described being abused by your husband?

The problem here is that none of us reading knows exactly what’s happened.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 06:16

Wormfanclub · 02/08/2024 06:10

OP. You would be better off away from the lot of them. Your family and your husband.

You deserve to live a life free of abuse.

Is it possible to move away from all of them and start afresh?

I have thought if going no contact now with my family. I love my husband dearly as he was the one person in my life that I felt safe and happy with. its hard to describe the marriage as it was before. there were elements even before that put a strain on me but I blame myself for that as I didn't shout loud enough about them or insist that I could cope with life the way that it was. Im not working at the moment which means I don't have income but I do have some money form my mums inheritance. I honestly don't understand what happened in the breakdown as it was like I saw for the first time how difficult and odd some of the behaviour he had was. I mean the approach to finance was utterly insane as I didn't have things I needed and we had a lot of money. that is now just getting wasted. He has an insane amount in his current account and is losing hundred of pounds interest a month for example whilst at the same time he has extreme frugality about tiny things like buying some clippers for my plants saying od you really need that?

OP posts:
Borninabarn32 · 02/08/2024 06:13

In all honesty, you don't feel like a reliable narrator. I think his perspective and actually probably your families, would be very different. Seems like you're being abused left right and center while also exploding with anger at people.

You've been slagging your husband off to your family, accusing him of abusing you, so they've done what you do when someone says they're being abused and reported it.

Mumdiva99 · 02/08/2024 06:12

Sorry I never really say this. But you need to separate from your husband. You need to heal and recover alone.

Your family sound very concerned for your situation. It's not normal for a loving partner to withhold money.

If you separate you will have your own money.

(I was a non earner for many years while the kids grew up - my husband put a set amount in my account to on a set day every month. It was a DD so he never would forget.)

Franjipanl8r · 02/08/2024 06:11

You need to be kinder to yourself. If you’ve had a serious mental health crisis then it sounds like your husband has been cruel rather than kind as a response and social services are right to be involved. Take the help they can offer. Good luck with your recovery 💐

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 06:10

ElliesNextNameChange · 02/08/2024 05:51

This is confusing. It sounds like you feel your husband is abusive (no comment on whether he is or not, no way to tell from thes posts) but also object to safeguarding? What is that you want?

honestly I'm not totally sure what I think. I don't trust my judgement entirely. I would say the behaviour and relationship is in a terrible place but I am not sure I would say he is abusing me. He looks after me in lots of ways, cleaning, getting shopping in etc.

OP posts:
Wormfanclub · 02/08/2024 06:10

OP. You would be better off away from the lot of them. Your family and your husband.

You deserve to live a life free of abuse.

Is it possible to move away from all of them and start afresh?

PuddlesPityParty · 02/08/2024 06:10

Tiswa · 02/08/2024 06:02

With the greatest respect it does sound as if you need the help and support. Yes it may not have been done with the best of intentions from your family but any malicious reporting would be shut down
here you both need a lot of help your husband is abusing you

I don’t think it’s just the husband at fault here! It sounds like she’s equally as emotionally abusive.

BonifaceBonanza · 02/08/2024 06:09

@LucyLoo1972 noones done anything wrong here.

Your family took an understanding from what you’ve said to them which may not exactly match reality. In the same way as what you actually said may not fully match reality. This is the nature of human conversation.

They were sufficiently concerned by their understanding of what you communicated that they sought outside help for you.

You need to really reflect on your situation as it does take a lot for loved ones to make a report like this as they know that in doing so they could lose their relationship with you but they take this risk for the sake of your welfare.

AimieDaisy · 02/08/2024 06:08

Do you feel there is abuse in your marriage?

sunsetsandboardwalks · 02/08/2024 06:05

It sounds like you and your husband would be better off apart. Your marriage sounds abusive and incredibly dysfunctional on all sides.

Onthemaintrunkline · 02/08/2024 06:05

Do you feel a trial separation from your H might eliminate some of the frustrations you are feeling due to his perceived behaviour? Whilst he in some instances might have been supportive, latterly re the hoarding, reluctance in relation to finances to share, and refusal to engage in any sort of counseling doesn’t sound helpful. Indeed these behaviours might be inflaming the whole situation.

You need to take some responsibility, however, regarding the ‘volcano of rage’ you expose him to. He could well be grieving the loss of his quiet, agreeable wife. Not that that gives permission to scream and subject you to extreme verbal abuse tho. Maybe you both need a little time apart without the irritation of each other?

Tiswa · 02/08/2024 06:02

With the greatest respect it does sound as if you need the help and support. Yes it may not have been done with the best of intentions from your family but any malicious reporting would be shut down
here you both need a lot of help your husband is abusing you

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 02/08/2024 06:01

He shouts and swears at me when Ive been angry and full of rage that he didn't take my cross for help seriously before the breakdown and heaped a lot of stress on.my therapist has asked to talk with him and he refuses
So you're both shouting and swearing at each other, but you're surprised he doesn't want to see your therapist who says its all his fault?
What s the extreme frugality? When you were working did he withhold your income?