Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

I did wonder that myself. Seems like she’s banking on inheritance too which makes me wonder if her husband is just future planning.

Op are you good with money yourself?

My friend would probably describe her husband as being like yours, but she's absolutely awful with money, has no concept of what they can afford on their income & will blow big chunks on stuff. If he wasn't reining it in they'd be destitute.

Having read all your posts and not having your husband’s view of the situation, I think you are both dealing with mental health problems. You mention that he hoards things and isn’t communicative.
I also think maybe you and your husband need time away from each other to assess whether you want to remain married? Your relationship has changed from calm to volatile, because all the emotions that were unfortunately suppressed in previous years have now surfaced.
Your husband is also the sole breadwinner which can add stress to a relationship, although it sounds like he isn’t struggling financially? How many times has he delayed sending money to you? Was it a one off? Are you trying to stay with him for financial reasons? No judgement here, many women do.
Your family were abusive to you and you have little contact with them but still tell them about the intricacies of your marriage. Why? Do you have other friends you could confide in instead? Or just discuss this with your therapist instead? Sounds like you don’t trust your family’s judgement or motives.

OP your stories changing. And the music thing is a bit odd - presumably you’re posting from a phone / computer / digital device - why on earth would you not just make a free Spotify account or YouTube it? I hate to say it, because I would normally loathe to come to this conclusion, but it’s starting to read like you play the perpetual victim. I’m sure I’ll get a pile on for saying that but I’m just not sure I believe your narrative the more you post.

Actually I think it’s time to change your therapist as a lot of this doesn’t sound quite right.

You’ve mentioned not transferring money “in time” what does this mean? Also you’ve said withholding money, but only mentioned a plant clipper… I’d say if he’s been financially supporting you for eight years, that’s a pretty normal thing to say “do you need it”.

I agree with others that have advised you to leave your relationship.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/]]]]

maybe contact these guys and talk through things with an advisor.

I truly think you have to leave him to become mentally well. Your relationship dynamic is very toxic and he doesn't want to have therapy. You cant force him and you can't go on like this.

Divorce him and then keep having therapy. You have to be free

Your therapist should not be requesting to speak to your husband. Of course he doesn’t want to do this!

any couples therapy or individual therapy for him should be separate.

also. 8 years in therapy is a hell of a lot for you to be still so unsure about everything. I’m aware things can be complex and take time but still.

What does your therapist think?

Please get away from them all for your own sanity. You are worth more than this.

The entire situation sounds like a dumpster fire - you need to get out and be on your own. You both sound abusive and the entire thing is a disaster waiting to happen.

You say your sister abused you? In what way?

It sounds as if the shouting and getting angry is a much needed part of your therapy and something to go through. Maybe you didn’t go through this process as a teen so you’re going through it now. As for reports to social services, getting upset with your family is not going to change things. I would just engage with them. And even if you don’t have a good relationship with them, your family is correct, withholding money is financial abuse.

If husband is verbally abusive, so is OP. She has herself said he shouts at her after she expresses rage that she is not proud of. So verbal abuse is miscommunication and coming from frustration and misery.
Op never said he was verbally abusive to sister, in Op's words he does not engage with her abusive family.

Finances are an issue. Perhaps there is a financial control. But what I understand ready Op's posts that husband is himself depressed or impacted and would benefit from therapy. Op should stop targeting him with rage, if Op's family, who Op has also called abusive, is so concerned, perhaps she can move in with them temporarily while she is receiving treatment, and meanwhile her husband can also seek therapy for his hoarding and stonewalling or whatever issues impacting him. Op is angry that her needs are not met, it could be he is also frustrated with his not being met. Op also said prior to this breakdown, he cared for her in sickness. One thing I don't understand is why Op is calling her family abusive and then complaining about her husband to them when she says her doctors say her childhood trauma due to abusive from father, mother and sister is the root cause of her mental breakdown.
Op you need to have a heart to heart conversation with your husband when you both are calm.

It’s really difficult to see what’s going on here.

On the one hand it sounds like your husband is abusive and everyone, including therapists, agrees it’s his abuse.

On the other hand you have a person who is the sole wage earner, also doing a lot of the work at home, trying to look after himself and his wife and isn’t coping, being told what he does do isn’t good enough, getting blamed for shouting and swearing when he isn’t the one that’s starts it and it’s responsive to his wife’s explosive anger and mental health problems, getting blamed for their wife’s mental health problems despite her having a history of trauma, his wife running to her abusive family if he transfers money late and being told he is financially abusive, is being pushed to meet a therapist who has already decided it’s all his fault and now has adult social services brought in by his wife’s previous abusers because she runs to them. Which for many people would be the final straw.

We can’t tell if he purposely ignores your please for help or simply has no clue how to deal with them. Not everyone simply knows what to do when their partners are having a mental health crisis. People aren’t always amazing at dealing with a partners mental health problem, by magic, just because they are in a relationship. And if he is hoarding and other things, he likely has his own mental health issues going on.

Adult Social Services aren’t over stepping. Whatever is going on in the home you have been telling your family and therapist that he abuses you. Whether that’s real situation or not, that’s what you have been telling them. They reported it. adult Social Services needed to do something.

Wether its him abusing you or you abusing him, you can’t expect to keep telling people he is abusive and nothing ever come from it.

But it sounds like the marriage is not a good situation for either of you at this point.

I mean this kindly, I really do. But there is no easy way of saying it.

Your mum, your dad and your sister all abused you. None are in prison, and you’re still in contact with all. Not just in contact but confiding in them.

Your husband sounds as though he’s cared for you some horrific times but in your eyes, he’s also abusive too.

Is there chance (I’m basing this on knowledge of real situations) that you may be neurodivergent and your experiences of growing up may have been what caused you trauma? It can be truly horrifically traumatic to grow up neurodivergent in a neurotypical world and these diagnoses are very frequently missed and misdiagnosed in women of your age.

The dramatic way you write and the you-centred tone of it just reminds me of things I have experienced personally. Things like not seeing the irony and publishing a post where you subtley allege abuse while also saying you explode like a volcano of rage yourself.

Equally - in the kindest possible way, I have seen first hand what having a therapist can do if any of the above is true. They take the world as it feels to you and they embrace and validate it and make it real. But is it all real? Because normal human emotions get in the way of things and therapy will sometimes/often take a very YOU centred approach to the degree that if you say it or you feel it, then it’s fact. But life isn’t like that. You can also be in the wrong, you can be acting irrationally, but some therapists don’t deal with that, they go into your world and remain there.

I have typed and deleted this so many times as I know I’m going to be jumped on, but sometimes just automatically believing someone doesn’t necessarily help them.

Your husband doesn’t sound abusive. Your marriage sounds awful on both sides. You need space to heal alone. As a side note, your husband sounds like he has some significant mental health struggles of his own that it doesn’t sound as though he’s getting support with.

You put your husbands name in one post. I’ve reported it for you. You can’t delete it yourself, a moderator will.