Page 13 | Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

LucyLoo1972 · 2024-08-02T04:02:02+00:00

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father. I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs. I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically. Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them. AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:54

Fififafa · 02/08/2024 06:56

Having read all your posts and not having your husband’s view of the situation, I think you are both dealing with mental health problems. You mention that he hoards things and isn’t communicative.
I also think maybe you and your husband need time away from each other to assess whether you want to remain married? Your relationship has changed from calm to volatile, because all the emotions that were unfortunately suppressed in previous years have now surfaced.
Your husband is also the sole breadwinner which can add stress to a relationship, although it sounds like he isn’t struggling financially? How many times has he delayed sending money to you? Was it a one off? Are you trying to stay with him for financial reasons? No judgement here, many women do.
Your family were abusive to you and you have little contact with them but still tell them about the intricacies of your marriage. Why? Do you have other friends you could confide in instead? Or just discuss this with your therapist instead? Sounds like you don’t trust your family’s judgement or motives.

yes it was defienelty a mistake to talk to my sister. I was feeling desperate and alone. my husband had been my safe place for thirty years.

and I do think emotions on both parts were suppressed for many years. for different reasons for both of us.

he just doesn't do things very quickly - its a coupe of times but its not withholding money.

no we are not struggling finically. I don't think stying here is predoeminalty for financial read but love. I've made a horrifcmess of both of our lives.

I never ever ever spoke about my husband to anybody before this breakdown.

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RedHelenB · 02/08/2024 07:51

This is where I don't see therapy as especially helpful. Playing the blame game doesn't change anything. Your parents were abusive, does it make you feel better or worse seeing and talking to them. If it makes you feel better there's no point dwelling on the past, it's happened. If it makes you feel worse limit contact. Same with your marriage, would you feel happier amd more in control living alone. No one is perfect, yes it's annoying having to ask for money but so is having someone yell.at you. You might be better off apart.

ThisHeartySloth · 02/08/2024 07:51

I think you need to decide how much money you need per month, and get your husband to set up a direct debit. Then you won't have to ask for individual items all the time.
If you have savings of your own from when you were working, do you have access to these?
I think you mentioned that your husband does the shopping. Are you able to take over this task or something similar? Maybe it will help to have a focus on day to day activities? Just something small to start with.

If your sister has £50,000 of your money, please ask for it. If she says no, get a solicitor involved.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:49

BananaLambo · 02/08/2024 06:28

It certainly sounds like a toxic relationship and clearly neither of you are happy. Your family a rightly worried about you want want to make sure you are safe. It will have taken a lot for them to do this.

im not sure its coming from a totally place of love. they are the kind of people that like to create trouble and my father especially does not like the presence of a man (one who is bigger than him) in my life. my father is an abusive bully not just to me but to many people.

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Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:48

Onthemaintrunkline · 02/08/2024 06:05

Do you feel a trial separation from your H might eliminate some of the frustrations you are feeling due to his perceived behaviour? Whilst he in some instances might have been supportive, latterly re the hoarding, reluctance in relation to finances to share, and refusal to engage in any sort of counseling doesn’t sound helpful. Indeed these behaviours might be inflaming the whole situation.

You need to take some responsibility, however, regarding the ‘volcano of rage’ you expose him to. He could well be grieving the loss of his quiet, agreeable wife. Not that that gives permission to scream and subject you to extreme verbal abuse tho. Maybe you both need a little time apart without the irritation of each other?

yes I think you are right

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CortieTat · 02/08/2024 07:47

It’s very confusing. You said you had had a high flying career and hadn’t been spending anything, but you have no money? Husband is frugal and doesn’t want to pay for anything, so who pays for 8 years of therapy?

If you enjoy listening to music why not listen to it on Youtube, radio on your phone or play the vinyl records you have? You can play it on your computer as well while working. It won’t be the audiophile quality I agree, but if you need that, you said you had vinyls at home (I assume a turntable and a sound system as well?)

Your therapist sounds concerning, he/she should not be requesting to meet your husband, it’s a conflict of interest.

I agree with PPs saying that it’s impossible to tell facts from feelings in your posts.

Waterbaby41 · 02/08/2024 07:47

From family experience - not all therapists are good for their clients. Recognise this and please find another therapist who will help you , not keep you in the past. Hoarding (and includes financial hoarding which is what your husband is doing) is an immensely complex condition which - without help - cannot just be 'turned off'. You both need help.

JMSA · 02/08/2024 07:47

Your poor husband. His is not a life that I would choose willingly.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:45

Singleandproud · 02/08/2024 07:39

But if you wanted a radio why didn't you just stick one in the basket when you did a supermarket shop? Or just use your phone or other devices for free and play the radio through that.

If you had brought a radio what would actually have happened?

He doesn't sound abusive, you both sound passive with your own mental health issues. I know my friends that are married have a spending limit so they can buy what they like under £150 and anything more than that they have a discussion about beforehand.

Good question - and I don't understand why I didn't.

nothing bad would have ver happened. the fear was in my head and not even conscious level which is the tragic thing. there wouldn't have been any shooting or yelling - hey may have been a do you really need that?

and yes people I know have that too and its really good. one of the problems is my husband would never discuss nay thing like that and say we don't need rules or things like as we trust each other.

and 100 percent passive with our mental health. we got away with it because we were both extremely high achieving unit l I broke.

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TheCadoganArms · 02/08/2024 07:43

What 'needs' were not being met by your husband? You reference this a lot, are these needs that you have identified yourself? Suggested by your therapist?

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:42

Gonnajusttakeaminute · 02/08/2024 07:25

OP, a couple of points. It's not clear from what you've said whether your husband is financially abusive or not and particularly you last lost makes it sound like it's possible that when you met him you were both on the same page with frugality and you have had a change of heart on this and now want to be less frugal. That said, if he has £100k in his current account (based on your saying he's losing £400 in interest a month), then obviously you should have enough access to cash that you're not having to ask him to transfer you £30. It's still not clear to me whether he's refusing to transfer you money, or he's just not doing it as quickly as you would like. He does clearly have his own mental health issues, but they in themselves don't make him abusive.

The second point (and you do not need to answer this if you don't want to): you mention extreme abuse from your family and you've also mentioned extreme violence from your father early in life. Was the abuse from your family physical or emotional? Asking not to deny the impact of emotional abuse, but because of the points being raised around whether there is a therapist issue here as well. Extreme physical abuse really leave no room for interpretation at all.

I do think it's right Adult Social Services are involved. I understand it feels intrusive, but you do appear to be vulnerable and there are a lot of people around you who don't appear to always have your best interests at heart. Please try and take it as support, not a criticism of you or your DH.

I am also concerned you might have a therapist who is buying into your narrative here. It's impossible for us to tell but it is definitely a risk. 8 years with the same therapist is a long time. I really think it might be worth trying someone else.

He does have around that in his current account - yes. he doesn't withhold money and never has overtly done that. I have never been a person to spend a lot of money and have never been in debt ever since student days.i have always lived within my means. I guess I feel that my spending hasn't shifted much since student days.wheraas I think it is normal as you advice in life to enjoy some of the fruits of your labours. we are in our fifties. there is no point taking half a million to the grave when we down even have kids and we down have blinds that open properly. he transfers big amounts like 2000 pounds - 30 quid is what I borrowed from a friend when I ran out of fuel.

I agree entirely with you that he has mental health issues (in fact before my breakdown his were more obvious if you know what I mean?? like with the hoarding and he wears ragged clothes like literally rags sometimes and has quirks like bringing home from holidays the paper ice cream cups he has had ice cream in).

on the abuse I am happy to answer. I have 8 out of 10 on the ACE scale if you know of that. there was doemstic violence which was pretty extreme, exposure to porngoraohy at age 5/6, some physical violence to me, alcoholism, mother with mental health issues, attempted kidnap from school. But I know this is not as extreme as some - I cannot remember any sexual abuse to me although my sister alleges that my father abused her.

I do trust my therapist. and I am honestly utterly confused my self why I only began to see the pressure my husbands behaviours put me under. I would never ever describe things before with him as abuse. they were most certainly not. they made life stressful and there were very peculiar pressures with my research which took me back to childhood. there are many unanswered questions and I am NoT the victim here. I failed to exert proper agency in my life as an adult because of the way I was worked in childhood.

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Singleandproud · 02/08/2024 07:39

But if you wanted a radio why didn't you just stick one in the basket when you did a supermarket shop? Or just use your phone or other devices for free and play the radio through that.

If you had brought a radio what would actually have happened?

He doesn't sound abusive, you both sound passive with your own mental health issues. I know my friends that are married have a spending limit so they can buy what they like under £150 and anything more than that they have a discussion about beforehand.

BenchyMcBenchFace · 02/08/2024 07:38

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 02/08/2024 06:33

I mean this kindly, I really do. But there is no easy way of saying it.

Your mum, your dad and your sister all abused you. None are in prison, and you’re still in contact with all. Not just in contact but confiding in them.

Your husband sounds as though he’s cared for you some horrific times but in your eyes, he’s also abusive too.

Is there chance (I’m basing this on knowledge of real situations) that you may be neurodivergent and your experiences of growing up may have been what caused you trauma? It can be truly horrifically traumatic to grow up neurodivergent in a neurotypical world and these diagnoses are very frequently missed and misdiagnosed in women of your age.

The dramatic way you write and the you-centred tone of it just reminds me of things I have experienced personally. Things like not seeing the irony and publishing a post where you subtley allege abuse while also saying you explode like a volcano of rage yourself.

Equally - in the kindest possible way, I have seen first hand what having a therapist can do if any of the above is true. They take the world as it feels to you and they embrace and validate it and make it real. But is it all real? Because normal human emotions get in the way of things and therapy will sometimes/often take a very YOU centred approach to the degree that if you say it or you feel it, then it’s fact. But life isn’t like that. You can also be in the wrong, you can be acting irrationally, but some therapists don’t deal with that, they go into your world and remain there.

I have typed and deleted this so many times as I know I’m going to be jumped on, but sometimes just automatically believing someone doesn’t necessarily help them.

Your husband doesn’t sound abusive. Your marriage sounds awful on both sides. You need space to heal alone. As a side note, your husband sounds like he has some significant mental health struggles of his own that it doesn’t sound as though he’s getting support with.

This is an excellent post.

tara66 · 02/08/2024 07:35

Your therapy does not seem to have help you. You seem to be going round and round in circles. Try not thinking about yourself all the time. Try distractions which you might find more interesting.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 02/08/2024 07:35

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:27

the only money I borrowed off a friend was 20 quid for fuel as I was in the middle of nowhere - so that was necessary. my sister also Hass £50,000 of my money from my mums estate which she hasn't given me so if anybody is withholding money its my sister.

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Op I think there is more going on than you are saying. Everyone in you life is ‘withholding money’? Independently of each they all decided to withhold money from you?

Your sister should only have control of the money if she is an executor. If she was the executor she can’t just withhold the money, indefinitely, for no reason.

What is the reason she is ‘withholding’ the money?

As adult social services got involved is there something like you have been deemed incapable? Sorry I don’t know what the correct term is but have you been deemed incapable of looking after your own finances etc. Officially?

Gonnajusttakeaminute · 02/08/2024 07:34

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 02/08/2024 07:20

This is not normal.

Both of you need help, separately.

All of this screams unrecognised neurodivergence to me. As an aside that would also explain the lack of progress in therapy. If you treat a neurodivergent person as a neurotypical person you (unsurprisingly) won’t get progress because the brains are essentially wired differently. It’s similar to the fact that typically CBT doesn’t work for autistic people.

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This with bells and whistles on. I'm autistic and my one brush with therapy (pre diagnosis) was such a waste of time that I've never been able to try again. Has your therapist suggested you might be neurodiverse? If not, I'd see this as a therapist red flag. You might not be and no one here can diagnose you, but it's something that your therapist should have raised.

Seaglassandchampagne · 02/08/2024 07:34

I think this is really beyond mumsnet but I am so sorry OP. It’s clear that you really struggle to know where to turn and it’s not surprising when both your family and your husband are abusive.

I’m really proud of you for attending therapy and taking steps to heal, and I really hope that one day you are free of all your abusers.

Hello87abc · 02/08/2024 07:33

You saying he shouts and swears when you have rage?? Which I presume is you also shouting and getting angry etc?? If some one was raging at me I’d be the same ?

TheRealSlimShandy · 02/08/2024 07:33

The financial stuff isn’t making too much sense. You said he earns £79k but you had a combined income of £80k.

theres also what, £150k in the bank? Are you sure of this (e.g have you seen it). Because potentially those saving have been eaten into In The 8 years you’ve not been working.

Also OP - you don’t need a radio to listen to music - just use your phone. Stick something you like on right now!

Josette77 · 02/08/2024 07:33

Why does your sister have your money?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 02/08/2024 07:30

I can't compute the elite profession you were in to earn only 10k a year? If he's on 70k a year but when you were also in work we had an annual combined income of around 80K?

BustyLaRoux · 02/08/2024 07:28

@LucyLoo1972 is your DH someone who rigidly sticks to plans or ways of doing this (as these are simply to him the “right” way)? Is he highly sensitive to any form of criticism (either intended criticism or perceiving criticism where it isn’t intended at all)? Does he find it difficult to apologise for things when he is wrong and will instead blame others or get defensive and angry? Does he shut down emotionally when you want to discuss feelings? Does he tend to be focused on his own needs and preferences rather than yours? What is he like in social situations?

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:27

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:25

I don't think he is being financially abusive either in the post breakdown phase and I told the social services that. But I have to state very very clearly that I am the opposite of careless spending. I'm explained that in response to another post. we had an annual combined income of around 80K and we did have tow twenty year old broken radios - they are obsolete. when I am alone in the house I do not feel it is excessive to have a working radio. I sent barely anything. my husband will spend 35 pounds on a bottle of wine. but I can't have a radio?? I always wore the same clothes and we have never been in debt. we have savings of around £200, 000 so we can afford to have a decorator, but that is difficult because of the hoarding. when you are married money is always both peoples money but that didn't seem to register with me. Legally that is simply the case as both of us would find out if we split - everything is joint.i asked permission to spend anything and I didn't nee to do that if I need something especially for work and research was my full time job.

I can't listen to radio on tv when I'm upstairs working. in any case out tv was one of those fat old ones.

and yes I'm cautious of therapy too. I didn't have sexual abuse as a child but the other cause is real because it was documented at the time in court so there are records.with my husband issues that is maybe where more harm has been done perhaps.

and yes I was highly rational - my old was deemed worldcalss and I still get people contacting me about it now to work with them. I did overwork for my phd and that was the immediate trigger. but the breakdown was literally an attack upon myself and my own body and I think that has to come form somewhere?? all I know is I was happy in my marriage and life before and now I feel I have nothing but money sat in the bank I don't even feel I have myself anymore. but my mind was lost before the therapist came along.

Show quote history

the only money I borrowed off a friend was 20 quid for fuel as I was in the middle of nowhere - so that was necessary. my sister also Hass £50,000 of my money from my mums estate which she hasn't given me so if anybody is withholding money its my sister.

OP posts:

Gonnajusttakeaminute · 02/08/2024 07:25

OP, a couple of points. It's not clear from what you've said whether your husband is financially abusive or not and particularly you last lost makes it sound like it's possible that when you met him you were both on the same page with frugality and you have had a change of heart on this and now want to be less frugal. That said, if he has £100k in his current account (based on your saying he's losing £400 in interest a month), then obviously you should have enough access to cash that you're not having to ask him to transfer you £30. It's still not clear to me whether he's refusing to transfer you money, or he's just not doing it as quickly as you would like. He does clearly have his own mental health issues, but they in themselves don't make him abusive.

The second point (and you do not need to answer this if you don't want to): you mention extreme abuse from your family and you've also mentioned extreme violence from your father early in life. Was the abuse from your family physical or emotional? Asking not to deny the impact of emotional abuse, but because of the points being raised around whether there is a therapist issue here as well. Extreme physical abuse really leave no room for interpretation at all.

I do think it's right Adult Social Services are involved. I understand it feels intrusive, but you do appear to be vulnerable and there are a lot of people around you who don't appear to always have your best interests at heart. Please try and take it as support, not a criticism of you or your DH.

I am also concerned you might have a therapist who is buying into your narrative here. It's impossible for us to tell but it is definitely a risk. 8 years with the same therapist is a long time. I really think it might be worth trying someone else.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:25

Borninabarn32 · 02/08/2024 07:09

I don't think from what you've said that he's been financially abusive at all. It sounds like you have careless spending. He has been supporting you for years. And you're wanting to buy unnecessary things, another radio when you already have two and TV have radio, phones have radio, YouTube, Spotify. A decorator is a luxury many can't afford. And when he doesn't give you money the second you ask for it you go and borrow the money off other people. Borrowing money off friends, especially for unnecessary things, is a huge red flag in my opinion.

I really don't think your therapist is helping you, many really do more harm than good. I remember a few years ago on here someone's therapist had pretty much convinced them they'd been sexually assaulted by their family and had no recollection of it. Totally destroyed a person and her families life. I think it was her husband asking for help, she'd become entirely dependant on this therapist, seeing them multiple times a week to unlock this "childhood trauma". You saying you hadn't realised the abuse until this "breakdown" and hadn't realised your husbands abuse until after then aswell is very concerning.

I think it's possible you overworked yourself abit for the PhD then when it finished you were a bit untethered. And ended up with a harmful therapist that rather than get you back moving has broken down every element of your life and your own psyche into abuse, 8 years of therapy and you sound like you don't even know your own thoughts, that's really not a sign of a good therapist. You were once coherent and intelligent enough to get a PhD.

I don't think he is being financially abusive either in the post breakdown phase and I told the social services that. But I have to state very very clearly that I am the opposite of careless spending. I'm explained that in response to another post. we had an annual combined income of around 80K and we did have tow twenty year old broken radios - they are obsolete. when I am alone in the house I do not feel it is excessive to have a working radio. I sent barely anything. my husband will spend 35 pounds on a bottle of wine. but I can't have a radio?? I always wore the same clothes and we have never been in debt. we have savings of around £200, 000 so we can afford to have a decorator, but that is difficult because of the hoarding. when you are married money is always both peoples money but that didn't seem to register with me. Legally that is simply the case as both of us would find out if we split - everything is joint.i asked permission to spend anything and I didn't nee to do that if I need something especially for work and research was my full time job.

I can't listen to radio on tv when I'm upstairs working. in any case out tv was one of those fat old ones.

and yes I'm cautious of therapy too. I didn't have sexual abuse as a child but the other cause is real because it was documented at the time in court so there are records.with my husband issues that is maybe where more harm has been done perhaps.

and yes I was highly rational - my old was deemed worldcalss and I still get people contacting me about it now to work with them. I did overwork for my phd and that was the immediate trigger. but the breakdown was literally an attack upon myself and my own body and I think that has to come form somewhere?? all I know is I was happy in my marriage and life before and now I feel I have nothing but money sat in the bank I don't even feel I have myself anymore. but my mind was lost before the therapist came along.

OP posts: