Page 12 | Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

LucyLoo1972 · 2024-08-02T04:02:02+00:00

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father. I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs. I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically. Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them. AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

Calliopespa · 02/08/2024 08:29

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 05:36

I agree I am my own worst enemy. I am so desperate and I know I've made things worse. I didn't understand the second sentence sorry.

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I think this means that ultimately we can only change ourselves, not others. You may not have liked they way you were treated and, in fact, it may genuinely have damaged you. But you are accountable for where you go from here. You can’t give other people scripts and make them act then out. Together with support from your therapist, you need to decide what you will go to move forward and be accountable to yourself from here. You have strength: you just need to find it. Be your own best friend OP.

Nanny0gg · 02/08/2024 08:29

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:01

I'm honestly trying to tell it as truthfully as possible. I agree it is confusing and I certainly agree I should have taken more resoonsibitly and exerted more agency. I haven't been able to listen to music in the last eight years since the breakdown but at the time I had the free Spotify with the averts but wanted the paid one. I do blame myself essentially for screwing everything up. I was so in love with my husband that I wanted to do things the way he wanted but that wasn't necessary and I see that now. I accept also that I have been very very seriously unwell. my husband is a kind and good person who has found himself in the terrible circumstance that the wife he loved is not recognisable.

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I'm not seeing 'kind, good or loveable' anywhere in this

And after 8 years is your therapist getting anywhere? Are they the right person?

OneLemonLion · 02/08/2024 08:25

Have you had the same therapist for 8 years? I agree with PP who said it’s not appropriate for your therapist to be asking to speak to your husband. I hesitate to comment on medical care but it sounds like your therapist is also telling you how to make sense of events in your life rather than helping you to do that for yourself. This can be very confusing and lead to false narratives/further dysfunction. I have personally experienced this and then later had a very good therapist - seeing the good one felt like I was gradually seeing clearer (like a mist slowly lifting) and becoming more sure about my own feelings/thoughts/boundaries etc rather than simply latching on to a new ‘story’ with tunnel vision. Not sure if that makes sense. But if you don’t feel things are getting clearer after 8 years maybe you should consider changing therapists.

It will be impossible to tell what is ‘really’ going on in your marriage until you have some clarity about your own feelings/behaviour and what is driving them but from what you’ve written you both seem to be trying and both suffering.

Sorry you are going through this.

Sassybooklover · 02/08/2024 08:24

You both have issues. You have trauma from past abuse, that is a contributing factor to the breakdown. Your husband equally has issues, hoarding for one. You both have to take equal blame for shouting/swearing and the anger, you've shown to each other. The relationship sounds extremely toxic. You told your sister of your concerns towards your husband, so she and your Dad spoke to Social Services as they were concerned. Social Services have a duty of care to investigate, any claim. If they don't and something were to happen, they'd be blamed for not investigating! I understand to a degree why your husband won't engage with your therapist, because he's being blamed partly, for your breakdown. It's not any wonder he doesn't want to engage! However, that doesn't stop him from seeking help himself! If he refuses to seek any help, then you are both stuck in a vicious circle. At some point you are going to have to decide what is better for you, staying in a toxic, unstable marriage, or leaving it.

DoesItSparkJoyMarie · 02/08/2024 08:24

I'm so sorry for the abuse you suffered and for your current situation. Your posts resonate a lot with me - I had a very serious breakdown (mid-PhD for me) in amongst generally deteriorating mental health, while living with my ex with whom there were similar dynamics. Now that I'm out the other side (ish), the way thay the relationship and my past interacted to make a perfect storm are much clearer to me. I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this, and that whatever you decide from here it is OK (and actually right and crucial) to centre yourself and your needs.

My family were not abusive on the scale yours were but I also experienced ACEs and absolutely saw my ex as the only one to truly unconditionally love me. This meant I ended up accepting behaviours and a living situation which made me miserable and ill out of fear and guilt, and blaming myself for not being able to adapt. He absolutely did not and does not recognise this - to him the hoarding, living in chaos and extreme procrastination were not a problem and my childhood was making me see him as 'the bad one'. Ultimately, in my situation he eventually did something so bad I had to leave which in some ways made things easier as it was so clear-cut. But I wanted to say that as someone with similar experiences, I had to get out to think clearly. Living as I need to live has brought a stability I thought I just wasn't capable of - I saw myself as an unfixably mentally ill person rather than someone who had suffered a breakdown because of a cycle of interacting factors. Breaking that cycle was what made me wholly well.

Very happy to talk more if you think that would be helpful, and sending solidarity.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 08:23

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 08:22

He has agreed in theory that we can do renovations to the house. so I got Hillarys blinds to come and give a quote and the annoying thing is it was way way cheaper than he thought. he said he would measure and sort blinds 20 years ago becausehe has false economy notions and it works out about 40 quid cheaper per window. and it wasn't just the look of the blinds that was the problem but that they didn't pome os it is constantly dark in the house.

all ym friends live in well maintained and lovely house and are always moving house, extending , redecorating and I have never bothered him with any of that to minimise his stress because he owls very very hard.

but hime actually clearing space for renovations to be done is another matter.

but he doesn't deny that it needs doing so that's a start.

I talked abut going ahead with the blinds order but he made an objection.

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and honestly I should have said 15 years ago id had enough. five years with blinds that don't open when you have spare cash is way too long.

OP posts:

Freddiefan · 02/08/2024 08:23

Has your husband paid for eight years of therapy? Do you think it has done any good?

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 08:22

Timinfuckingruislip · 02/08/2024 07:16

OP what would your DH say if you said today “I want new carpets laid, I’ve had enough”.

He has agreed in theory that we can do renovations to the house. so I got Hillarys blinds to come and give a quote and the annoying thing is it was way way cheaper than he thought. he said he would measure and sort blinds 20 years ago becausehe has false economy notions and it works out about 40 quid cheaper per window. and it wasn't just the look of the blinds that was the problem but that they didn't pome os it is constantly dark in the house.

all ym friends live in well maintained and lovely house and are always moving house, extending , redecorating and I have never bothered him with any of that to minimise his stress because he owls very very hard.

but hime actually clearing space for renovations to be done is another matter.

but he doesn't deny that it needs doing so that's a start.

I talked abut going ahead with the blinds order but he made an objection.

OP posts:

Newnamesameoldlurker · 02/08/2024 08:20

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 08:10

My anger is never about my husband not doing enough ever - I know he is utterly and completely overwhelmed. My anger is always about why he didn't help me when I asked for help and said I was struggling before my breakdown and some of his finical choices during the moths before my submission (if oeuvre does a phd then you will know how incredibly difficult it is to finish work you have been doing for sic years). I needed to pay for some interviews to be transcribed and needed some space clearing in the house os I had space to work and for my books amongst the hundreds and hundreds of books. it was overwhelming. but he didn't help with that and I lost the career I worked for.

im disgnosed with complex PTSD. the rage is when I'm overwhelmed with how on earth did I lose everything and become so delusional I tried to starve myself to death believing id done something wrong and scratching all over my body.

we had around 200,000 in savings which is excessive. that money belongs to both of us. So yes I should have spent it on things I needed. there was no withholding of money but I remember buying a new towel as ours are 25 years old and he told me you don't need a new towel because he likes the hard and scratchy ones.

I do vent out now because for all my life since childhood I never ever expressed my feelings. my husband liked to keep everything so so private I never even said to anybody like avfriemd that I was struggling with anything - like not having children for example that my husband wouldn't discuss with me.

I do need to work on getting my sense of worth from myself- a search for approval is hwy I had to do my work perfectly.

I cry every single day at the pain this has caused to my husband. he relied on me for pretty much everything especially emotional support. and we had such a bond in som many areas.

I think both scenarios are true that you put forward. I also think my husband has had mental health issues which took a toll on me over time. have you ever lied with a hoarder and been working from home stuck in a hoarded house? or not been able to have those that brings you joy when your passion and hobby is design and architecture? before I had this breakdown not one person noticed any mental health issues with me. I know none of my freedoms would have lived as I did but they would have spoken to their husband about things before it got to this. I'm sad I miss our wonderful love we had for thirty years. we were best friends.

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You poor thing OP. It might help you to join the threads about living with an ND partner as lots of women are in a similar position. Is it possible to insist on a joint account to stop the issue of having to ask for money and him delaying?
You're entitled to feel really, really angry at his lack of help at a crucial stage for you. This is not to say it's his 'fault' (as pp have said, it sounds like he has some pretty serious issues of his own) but you're allowed to feel the way you feel. I also disagree with everyone saying your therapist is sinister etc but I do agree with the suggestion that you try someone new who could help you achieve your goals in more concrete ways ie coaching you with role plays in how to be assertive in your marriage (rather than swinging between extreme passivity and rage). You're in your 50s with loads of life yet to live- there is a chance to be happy yet. I wish you so much luck

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 08:17

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 02/08/2024 07:16

I think this is where people are getting confused with your ever changing stories.

You were in an elite profession. Yet you couldn’t afford a premium Spotify account. This just isn’t true or believable. You have both stated and confirmed that this was pre breakdown, when you were working. It didn’t happen.

I genuinely think you are remembering things that aren’t real, and mixing up fact and fiction due to feelings becoming reality.

As an aside, extreme frugality does not = abuse. It is often the result of trauma from poverty (both my FIL and F are the same). Genuine terror around not having enough money, having lived in true poverty, leading to hoarding - needing it in bank accounts (where he can see it) rather than invested - my dad has always done exactly this and as a result his money has never grown or worked for him and he could have been so much better off. But he CANNOT. He needs to see it, know it’s there, reassure himself.

My father causes bloody stress to us all and it absolutely feels like financial abuse in regards to my mum but he truly can’t help it. It’s OCD/anxiety type behaviour rooted in trauma.

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I'm trying to be truthful as best I can. I am trying to make clarifications but I'm not sure where my story is changing?

And this is exactly the thing - of course I could afford a Spotify account, of course. we had hundred thousand savings. but the thing is because my husband likes vinyl records and commented its a waste of money and its crap - I went along with that. it seems like his goal in life was to get through life spending as little as possible. and there are ways that impacts on a partner over time. like never being able to go out to celebrate publishing a book makes you feel not honoured and cherished over time or staying in the crappiest motel and never going to a nice hotel for example.

and I completely agree that frugality does not equal abuse. oddly enough though I was the one who grew up in poverty. that meant I never asked for things because I didn't want to embarrass my mum but I didn't need to ask my husband as it was my money to spend too - when you are married the money belongs to both of you.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 02/08/2024 08:17

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:05

Yes. Im extremely good with money. I went along with his thinking. I have never been in debt since student days. neither of us have. I bought very very little for myself. I am being completely honest here. my husband does absolutely NO planning with money and he is losing 400 pounds a month in interest alone because of the money he has in his bank accounts. I was in an elite profession and I spent barely anything. my friends would even comment that I always wore the same clothes.

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If you were so good with money and had such a good job but didn’t spend anything, where has all your money gone? If you’re not able to work at the moment, are you claiming any benefits you may be entitled to?

Onlinetherapist · 02/08/2024 08:16

@LucyLoo1972 but Lucy, your mental health crises did not destroy your happy marriage. It destroyed your illusion of a happy marriage. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all, either before or after.

Superstar22 · 02/08/2024 08:16

OP, just read more of your comments about therapy. I am a experienced psychologist. You need a psychologist not counselling. They are totally different things. Please seek one out. Good therapy should Have you feeling “quite a bit better” after a few months/ 6 months. It should be active. You should be given homework. Try skills and techniques out. You need someone else. They are not doing their job (or their job is not a psychologist/ CBT therapist) it’s something else.

Boomer55 · 02/08/2024 08:15

PuddlesPityParty · 02/08/2024 06:10

I don’t think it’s just the husband at fault here! It sounds like she’s equally as emotionally abusive.

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Yes, mental health issues can throw everything out of kilter. It’s extremely difficult to live with someone having a MH crisis. It sounds as though both of them are emotionally abusing each other.

It sounds as though the problems started in childhood. The OP needs to continue to get help.

RedToothBrush · 02/08/2024 08:15

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 05:36

I agree I am my own worst enemy. I am so desperate and I know I've made things worse. I didn't understand the second sentence sorry.

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So you need help because you aren't coping. So your family reported it to people who may be able to help you, and you are pissed off?

You are seeing social services as the enemy rather than a service that is there to help support people who may be struggling with day to day life.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 08:10

Thebaguette · 02/08/2024 07:07

I don't understand. Op says she has explosive rage of volcano and get angry with husband for not doing enough - when he has been the sole earner, also doing shopping and household work. If you are doing all that and are shouted by a partner who is not able to contribute to the marriage for whatever reason, if you shout back - would you consider yourself abusive.

Regarding finances, op says she had a high flying career, does she have no saving because her husband has been transferring money but late ( could be on purpose) but where is her money. At the same time op says she realises that his frugality has caused mental stress and contributed to her breakdown, but upto breakdown she had a high flying career? Also, in two different posts she says her father's violence in her childhood along with abuse with abuse from mother and sister is the root cause of breakdown. I am so confused by OP. Seems like op need to work on fulfilling her needs herself. Rather than making necessary changes, she likes to vent out to anyone willing to listen and then does nothing.

Abusive family, indifferent husband, she complains about one potential abuser to the other. She also had rages for not her needs being met when he is himself suffering. Does Op think he had no needs for 8 years? For a marriage to be a healthy one both sides' needs should be considered. If op thought her family's abuse was behind her mental breakdown, why she got upset with her dh to not wanting to engage with them. Would you have same response if op was a man? Seems like Op's situation is far more complex than one party abusing the other. There are two likely scenarios - as she was abused by her parents, she has been OK with low level abuse from husband and only have started to realise now.
Or she has mental health issues due to childhood trauma, and her husband is also impacted by her long term sickness and is not coping well.

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My anger is never about my husband not doing enough ever - I know he is utterly and completely overwhelmed. My anger is always about why he didn't help me when I asked for help and said I was struggling before my breakdown and some of his finical choices during the moths before my submission (if oeuvre does a phd then you will know how incredibly difficult it is to finish work you have been doing for sic years). I needed to pay for some interviews to be transcribed and needed some space clearing in the house os I had space to work and for my books amongst the hundreds and hundreds of books. it was overwhelming. but he didn't help with that and I lost the career I worked for.

im disgnosed with complex PTSD. the rage is when I'm overwhelmed with how on earth did I lose everything and become so delusional I tried to starve myself to death believing id done something wrong and scratching all over my body.

we had around 200,000 in savings which is excessive. that money belongs to both of us. So yes I should have spent it on things I needed. there was no withholding of money but I remember buying a new towel as ours are 25 years old and he told me you don't need a new towel because he likes the hard and scratchy ones.

I do vent out now because for all my life since childhood I never ever expressed my feelings. my husband liked to keep everything so so private I never even said to anybody like avfriemd that I was struggling with anything - like not having children for example that my husband wouldn't discuss with me.

I do need to work on getting my sense of worth from myself- a search for approval is hwy I had to do my work perfectly.

I cry every single day at the pain this has caused to my husband. he relied on me for pretty much everything especially emotional support. and we had such a bond in som many areas.

I think both scenarios are true that you put forward. I also think my husband has had mental health issues which took a toll on me over time. have you ever lied with a hoarder and been working from home stuck in a hoarded house? or not been able to have those that brings you joy when your passion and hobby is design and architecture? before I had this breakdown not one person noticed any mental health issues with me. I know none of my freedoms would have lived as I did but they would have spoken to their husband about things before it got to this. I'm sad I miss our wonderful love we had for thirty years. we were best friends.

OP posts:

Gonnajusttakeaminute · 02/08/2024 08:10

on the abuse I am happy to answer. I have 8 out of 10 on the ACE scale

Thanks OP and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think that makes it pretty clear that this isn't a case of trauma because you are ND (that may still be a contributing factor) but trauma because of childhood abuse. Pretty much no room for debate on whether that was childhood abuse!

Whether or not your husband is abusive, whether you should leave him, whether or not you're neurodiverse, and whether or not your therapist is helping you at the moment are all really hard and intertwined points and Mumsnet really isn't the best place for you to be trying to work through these. Personally, I'd start by talking to your therapist about this because you clearly trust her. If she has any issues with you raising these types of issues with her, it's a strong sign that you probably should at least try another therapist. The other people to talk to are the exact Adult Social Care team who are now involved. You have social services wanting to help you - use them!

Cincin22 · 02/08/2024 08:09

@LucyLoo1972 The reason why you are so confused and I'm sure you had the breakdown, is because your life before was completely fake and your brain could not handle it anymore.
Your trauma had caused you to abandon all your own needs for the sake of getting along and one day you obviously could not handle the dissosiation anymore. You husband can be both things at the same time: caring and abusive. Those things can and do coexist.

Your relationships are not healthy. Your husband does not sound emotionally healthy either. Refusing joys in your life, refusing to spend on normal things and even refusing music.

The only way you can recover is to move out and start finding out your own needs, boundaries, joy and who is it that you are. You are not able to do that in the same house with him.

You might find out you like dancing, listening to rap music and singing out loud, dressing up and wearing big dangly earrings. I don't know?! But in any case, you are frozen bacause there's no joy in your life, and you are stuck in a situation that prevents you from being you. Your own person, whose needs, desires and likes are your own priority.

It's perfectly normal to want all those things: decorators, new carpets, better cars etc. Life is for LIVING.

Superstar22 · 02/08/2024 08:08

There’s so much here. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through.
please find a therapist to give you EMDR. This is what you need for the traumas you have suffered.
Please stop sharing your worries with your sister who you say is an abuser. Work with your therapist to create boundaries for you and your husband… eg you need to ask for X amount of cash available and he needs to provide it, you BOTH need to stop shouting at each other etc

also, you keep telling how how the marriage was before the episode. But, it’s going to be like that again. Because too much has happened. So you need to let that go. That was BEFORE and this is NOW. You need to live with what is going on now. Stay present and make your life better now. It doesn’t matter if you were married to the most amazing man & you were the most perfect human on the planet. That’s gone now. You are here, now.

deeahgwitch · 02/08/2024 08:05

sunsetsandboardwalks · 02/08/2024 06:05

It sounds like you and your husband would be better off apart. Your marriage sounds abusive and incredibly dysfunctional on all sides.

I agree.
Why stay in a marriage with such toxicity ?

You only get one life.

I hope there are no children involved.

Lovelyview · 02/08/2024 08:05

You are recognising that you need to take agency in your life. It's not too late to do this. As others have said both you and your husband sound neurodivergent and you have suffered extreme trauma and mental ill health. So, given that you have agency in this, can you articulate what you want to happen going forward? It sounds like you feel you need to ask your husband's permission to buy anything. That shouldn't be the case. Would he accept paying a fixed sum each month into your bank account by direct debit? Can you get him to agree that he won't criticise your spending habits? Maybe in return you could promise not to criticise his inefficient use of a current account rather than earning interest. Can you get the money your sister owes you?

It sounds like you and your husband are both suffering. Can you start treating each other with kindness rather than anger?

Like others I'm not sure your therapist is helping you. Maybe you could do with someone who can help you set goals to move forward rather than keep analysing how your past is affecting you.

I really hope you find a way to have a happy life op.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 02/08/2024 07:58

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:48

yes I think you are right

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About what,? The reluctance to share finances/financial abuse isn't there, op has just said that, and that he'll transfer 2k a time to her.
Like pp I have concerns about the 'therapist' are they registered with the BPS?

GiveMeSpanakopita · 02/08/2024 07:57

It sounds to me like both you and your husband are going through severe mental health issues. Neither of you are coping.

Your posts show evidence of a disconnect with reality. For example, your husband earns £70k but is also losing £400 in interest per month due to having money in his current account - that would make him a millionaire not a moderate wage earner. And other things you've said indicate a disconnect wiht reality.

Neither of you are well and I think you need to address that first, and yes I think you do need outside help.

Timinfuckingruislip · 02/08/2024 07:57

You sound like you’ve become extremely passive. If he’s transferring you thousands of pounds, why have you not just purchased the radio you want?

frankly your therapist sounds almost sinister - perhaps it suits them to keep taking money from you and keeping you “trapped” in this cycle of helplessness.

PuddlesPityParty · 02/08/2024 07:56

LucyLoo1972 · 02/08/2024 07:01

I'm honestly trying to tell it as truthfully as possible. I agree it is confusing and I certainly agree I should have taken more resoonsibitly and exerted more agency. I haven't been able to listen to music in the last eight years since the breakdown but at the time I had the free Spotify with the averts but wanted the paid one. I do blame myself essentially for screwing everything up. I was so in love with my husband that I wanted to do things the way he wanted but that wasn't necessary and I see that now. I accept also that I have been very very seriously unwell. my husband is a kind and good person who has found himself in the terrible circumstance that the wife he loved is not recognisable.

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So you did have access to music? So what on earth was the other post about?