Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

I mean this in the kindest way possible but it sounds as if you would really benefit from support from SS. Your therapist will work on your trauma and mental well-being but SS will help in terms of how the finances are being managed and other pressures you have mentioned . Don't see it as a bad thing, take the help if it's offered to you.

I know I'm just another random person on the Internet, but it does read as if he preferred you when you before you tackled your abusive background, when you were doing everything to keep him happy, not challenging him on his hoarding, miserliness and controlling behaviour.

You've been thorough a breakdown, but you're not broken, you're dealing with trauma and finding your voice, and standing up to hom, so he's making you suffer, and I think your family see this.

You are amazing - you built a great career, you completed a PhD, you have relationships with friends and family. You have overcome so much, you need people around you to help you grow, to thrive as your authentic self now that you have faced up to the incredibly difficult childhood you have had. Your husband isn't supporting you, or celebrating you for your bravery in addressing your awful childhood experiences. You need to put yourself first to help yourself to heal, so perhaps a break from him would be best for now.

You should be so proud of yourself.

At times he transfers money at others he withholds it.

The reason OP is not free to buy the things she wants is because she is controlled by him. It’s an index of how money is used as control even though they’re not short of it.

Buy another house and do it up to how you like and want it, live separately and I suspect that you will be much happier.

Both of you have issues. You are so entwined in his issues you can’t even begin to fix yours. Simplify your life. I think it’ll make all the difference.

Either divorce and do it alone or if you can’t quite get to the mental place to do that, get him to agree that the only way to save your marriage is by living separately and then just dating. He has to transfer half the savings to you though, to make this work. You can’t be financially dependent on him, or dependent in any way.

You aren’t going to get better with him holding you back.

@Cyclebabble I’m so sorry you had all that. My ndn had Lewy Body, such a difficult condition. 💐

It sounds to me that you need to separate, temporarily at least, from your husband and get a
dIfferent therapist, and to get your mental health sorted.Then you can look at things more rationally and build an equal relationship with your dh if that is what you want.
I can't really see from what you have said that your dh is abusive. I mean you can't heap an out of control volcano of rage on someone, and then call it abuse when they et angry in response!!!
Also it is not financial abuse when you are not earning and your dh transfers your spending money a day or 2 late, and objects to you spending a lot of money on luxuries.It is very easy to spend money when you haven't earned it yourself!!

He transfers her a few thousand pounds at a time. Unless that’s once a year, that doesn’t sound like financial abuse.

it’s also not clear about the notes - OP said she was a high earner at the time but due to his frugal ways said he’d transcribe the notes (and didn’t). That doesn’t sound that far from someone’s DH saying they’ll put a shelf up to save money and then never does (a common complaint)

what is clear is how passive the OP has been in all of it. For example - having thousands of pounds but not just buying the radio she so wants.

Well I’m not sure. It sounds as though you can’t move on. Maybe going back there is exactly the exorcism you need. Would it helps to have a different therapist? Someone you could revisit that with afresh and perhaps isolated from later issues?

Your sister and father have a negative past with you, they may think it’s easier to blame your husband than take any responsibility for past problems. So leave them out of your life for now.
You and your husband seem to have a lot of problems and I think separation is your best option for now.
You can then interact independently with Social Services and your therapists. Your anger, past issues, anything you want to talk about will be heard by neutral people who have no agenda.
Your husband needs to engage with therapy separately but that’s his choice. He might choose not to and want to continue with his life as it is, even though you wouldn’t be in it.

Only way I can see you having a life with any chance of resolved issues. You’ll start in one place but as you move along the path with professional help you’ll see options on where and how your life progresses.

My DH's family made a safeguarding complaint to social services. He was in the early stages of Lewy Bodies dementia and I am now his carer. The claims were completely baseless. That I was controlling his money- he could not recall the PIN numbers and could not remember what had been spent where. That I had been verbally abusive- I had not, and that I was restricting him seeing his family (he did not wish to see them). It added enormously to an already stressed situation and social services were not helpful or sensitive. For example turning up unannounced and insisting on speaking to him alone and then me in the middle of the day (I still work as best I can). The police were also involved in this process. I felt dirty having a Police officer turn up and ask if I was abusing my husband. I undertook a DSAR to understand the nature of the complaint. I did not get all of the information, but enough to understand most of it. In frankness even though there is no evidence to support it, the complaint remains on file and it cannot be removed. I feel as if I am marked for life by this.

Frugality is a red herring, unfortunately some posters have fallen for it. This is just financial abuse, just as it is just verbal abuse. This is a toxic relationship between 2 very damaged people.

He is limiting her money supply when he fancies in order to control her. In the case of her PhD transcripts - to scupper her education/career.

The extravagant declarations of love and clinging codependency are very typical of women in abusive relationships.

DF and DSis may not have done it from a good place but it’s no bad thing that this was reported nonetheless.

OP has switched abusive family for abusive partner.

I think you need to be with someone more mentally balanced than your DH. I am sure you love him and it will be hard to leave, but you can put him first or yourself first - if he's not open to moving forward himself, he will continue to hold you back.
I don't think you ABU to resent your family prompting social services to contact you given your history with them but I think it is worth exploring what help they can offer you now.
I agree with another comment that you should find a therapist who can help you set goals and move forward. Exploring the past is all very well but there's time for that once you've sorted out your current situation. You need time, space and independence in order to heal and begin to see things with more objectivity.

Hold on a moment. You said your family were abusive, particularly your father? And you chose to share problems in your marriage with them?

It sounds to me as if you need some time on your own to sort out your own feelings.

From one perspective your husband is abusive and your family have reported him to SS out of concern and love for you.

From another he’s struggling to support his wife with her mental health problems whom he doesn’t ‘know’ after her breakdown. Your abusive family have seen another way to stick the boot into you by reporting you to SS.

The truth is doubtless somewhere in the middle.

One thing I would suggest is being careful not to give a big label to behaviour too quickly. Being late to transfer money is annoying, ungenerous, and unhelpful, but it is not necessarily financially abusive. Responding angrily to an angry person can lead to regrettable language on both sides, but I think it would have to be sustained and unprompted to be real verbal abuse.

I hope you can get through this. I’d be very careful about what you tell your family in future apart from anything else.

Yes I think that could be right Op.

Could you self refer for in patient CPTSD treatment at a private facility? You sound like you could do with getting some time away to think about what you want to do next

Yes a sea of red flags

it sounds like you have never been a fully developed individual person in your own right everything is all externalised dependent on other people

how was your therapist helping you to build that sense of self, self-esteem? Your confidence?

to untangle yourself from codependent relationships? To process trauma bonding? To learn how to live alone as a functional adult without delusions of gods punishment?