Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

Surely the mental health professional should be working with your GP, or at least have a copy of your medical notes from the time of the episode prior to your initial consultation? Let alone years down the line? They can’t appropriately assess best therapeutic approach without them. You as the patient cannot reliably provide them an accurate objective description of what happened, as evidenced by the constantly changing narrative in this thread alone.

Did Social Services not visit you initially at your home following reports to them of concern for yourself from a third party? They can’t possibly assess risk to yourself by having a pre arranged meeting at a separate location? I reside in a devolved nation so perhaps process is different wherever you are?

It seems a very strange situation indeed. Presumably your GP prescribes your anxiety medication & is aware that you are under the care of a therapist privately. Hopefully SS & the GP will link up for a synced approach?

Mirabai I'm not a psychologist and I suspect we are reading the same posts different ways in terms of what's being said, as I see a great deal of vacillating between different opinions, saying one moment it's very much her 'fault' and beating herself up over things, while at other points saying he caused the loss of her career etc, then saying the breakdown was actually caused by her father, but I think at the end of the day all of it comes down to struggling to communicate a difficult intertwined situation that she's continued with for a long time, so it's unsurprising if different people see different things in it, but yes I agree she's only really now realizing just how serious his problems are as well as her own.
Whatever any of us think I hope the comments of strangers are more helpful than harmful and help the Op to see there can be many ways of seeing the same thing.

The saying about the need to put your own oxygen mask on first, in order to be able to even consider helping any one else put theirs on, comes to mind.

I think you need to come to terms with the idea that you and your husband are and always have been, two quietly dysfunctional individuals with a range of serious MH problems you have both been hiding from, who found happiness and comfort with each other until it all went wrong for you, and you are now trying to blame him and his dysfunction for yours, because you don't really want agency even now, though you can see you need to take it.

I agree with the first point but not the second. I don’t see evidence of her blaming him, quite the opposite, she blames herself and minimises his dysfunction. That’s tied into needing to believe in their relationship. I think she’s only slowly realising quite how screwed up he actually is.

I can’t say I’ve been in this kind of relationship but we’ve all had our shit to face.

Emotional unavailability is one of the hardest things to deal with. You did mention the stonewalling and not being able to discuss kids or plan your life etc which you rather glossed over. That is major problem in a relationship. Stonewalling is recognised as a form of emotional abuse, as it devalues the partner and renders them powerless. It’s a form of control. And it’s very damaging. It doesn’t sound to me like you’re ever really been heard in this relationship - DH is entirely self-focused and attuned to ensuring his needs are met and that they always trump yours.

I think you need to come to terms with the idea that you and your husband are and always have been, two quietly dysfunctional individuals with a range of serious MH problems you have both been hiding from, who found happiness and comfort with each other until it all went wrong for you, and you are now trying to blame him and his dysfunction for yours, because you don't really want agency even now, though you can see you need to take it.

You created a fairy tale because it allowed you to overlook everything that might not have been perfect. It's easy to do, we are brought up to seek fairy tale endings and those of us with terrible beginnings and lives are particularly desperate for them.

Lots of people will be happy to say because his MH condition is hoarding, that this is somehow a particular MH condition that is just so appalling in their eyes, that everything can be blamed on it, and everyone else is therefore entitled to 'victim who did no wrong' status.

Others will be happy to say his dysfunction whatever it is, is the problem, and you are just the eternal victim of men.

There very much are men who are coercive and seek to control, and there are men who control by actions not actually intended to control others, and unsurprisingly there are also so many women doing exactly the same things, so I am wary of the 'her dysfunction = poor once perfect now damaged woman victim' vs 'his dysfunction = nasty calculating controlling knows exactly what he's doing, man predator.'
It's a comfortable get out, but wont serve you in a better future life.

I believe you would easily have had a breakdown in other circumstances too, because I hear all the signs that say say eventually the fragility of your created to please persona/ personality would have become overloaded.

I may be biased here, as your story resonates painfully for me as the equally dysfunctional partner on the receiving end of the 'perfect' high achieving partner who's entire persona was actually entirely a construction to deal with ASD and what happened when they broke, but couldn't let go of their 'perfect' self image bit of that persona, because owning imperfection and knowing who they really were, was entirely unpracticed and frightening for them and not what their wider family wanted either.

I thought he was utterly amazing wanting visibly disabled me and so accepting of me LP'ing my large brood of children and step children, and no dodgy vibes around them, running my own business in a male industry, and keeping it all together despite a truly horrendous past, and journey.

He appeared to be just the most amazing wonderful unusual hard working bloke who understood that I came with much baggage, and incredibly wanted to be part of the chaos, but was respectful of my barriers over my children.
However I wanted it, was good by him, he was the one coming into the set up.
Everybody told me how lucky I was, and how amazing it was that someone in my position had ended up with him. I made sure he knew what he was getting, expecting him to bolt, but he didn't, despite me being in the thick of all sorts.

Everybody who knew him, confirmed that what you could see was what you got. He just really was just a lovely, lovely easy going man, used to the realities of both disability, and the concept of stepping up to the plate for children automatically, who was available because he'd found women a bit difficult to navigate when younger, and was now steeped in work, with retired parents.

He, I, and everyone, believed it, and those who might know more stayed silent and hoped I'd make more effort to look like some sort of catch visually. He loved that I was as was, and I loved that he saw past so much. Our own quiet fairy tale match for over a decade despite the odds, so I passed over the occasional weirdly out of character incidents. Few and far between, and who was I to expect perfection?
What happened to that man? He broke, burnt out trying to be this created personality of perfection that would be approved off by all 24/7, and never acknowledging who else he really might be.

You quiet rightly acknowledge that actually the main issues in your relationship where caused by your husbands already known personality and habits, and your failure to behave like a grownup and have agency, and that this is likely to be down to what your family did to you as a child. But... you still want him to be responsible for all that didn't work for you. Think about that, because I'm not being nasty, it's a big part of why you are stuck.

I think you need to look very hard at the difference between facts and feelings.
You are taking so many of your feelings and seeking to lay them at the feet of the person you feel should be your care-taker, rather than where they appear to originate from, and saying you feel he should have been a different person than the one you have always known him to be, because that's what you needed, therefore that's what he should have provided, because you gave him what you believed was what he wanted. There is so much fitting of 'evidence' to tell your story as you seek to re frame your life. Some will have relevance, but a lot is trying to make a simpler narrative that allows the fairy tale to be the 'real' you and him, still.

I would suggest you are and always have been ND, and have tried to be the person you thought others wanted you to be, until you burnt out as a result and that ultimately is the narrative, regardless of what went on that caused you to behave in specific ways.

Now you are coming to terms with who you really are, and who he really is, which is exactly the same person he's always been, but that means accepting your fairy tale was all about feelings not facts, just as your re-framing of the whole deal now is. If it sounds harsh I apologize, but I've lived through it long term, and seen it happen with another couple which ended tragically.

I can talk to you about the hoarding aspect if you want (later - as it's a subject I have a lot of knowledge about) but I'm afraid that even if your DH was able to accept intervention with hoarding as the symptom of his MH difficulties, and transform the living situation, you both would still have much bigger issues going on that need properly resolving.
You absolutely need better help moving forward than you've been receiving professionally.

Why is your dh tidying up when SS have already seen pictures of the hoarding. Does he think that a bit of tidying is going to have them forget what they have already seen
Is he so arrogant to think he can gaslight them into thinking you have over exaggerated the extent of his hoarding and suddenly make the photographic evidence disappear

Hoarding is a mental illness but being able to tidy up his hoarding indicates something else
It does sound like it was done on purpose and he didn’t care what you thought. It again is that constant drip drip drip of poison.

This is just absolutely incorrect and I would like to see any research to suggest otherwise.
He is almost certainly tidying the hoard because attention has been drawn to what he is normally blind to, and reminded him that hoarding gets heavily judged.

he knows it is likely that it's about to be seen by others outside those he trusts and is feeling very deep shame.
It is an absolute standard response of every hoarder about to be judged by others coming in to offer their opinion on the symptom of their mental health condition.
Being able to tidy an already tidy, or untidy, hoard, doesn't indicate anything sinister about the person with the hoarding disorder. It indicates they are aware they are about to be judged, for what they generally already judge themselves heavily for.

Being unable to tidy it in any way when potentially about to be inspected, does indicate some things to a professional.

I suppose you have to ask yourself

If you had lived on your own and never met your dh

Would you have had a breakdown

I honestly don't know why you would question the veracity of my account of my childhood abuse. In the 1980s so many children were abused and nobody was arrested. Although my mother tried to get me to state my father sexually abused us, I personally have no recollection of that at all. although I was exposed to pornography at a very young age

I do think you need to understand what abuse is and the fact that there are many types of abuse

You say your father didn’t sexually abuse you but then go on to say you were exposed to pornography at an early age. So unless this pornography belonged to another person your father did sexually abuse you.

I think you have rigid ideas of what different types of abuse are and if anything falls outside those narrow boundaries then it isn’t abuse

Hoarding just adds anxiety to those that live with it.
Why is your dh tidying up when SS have already seen pictures of the hoarding. Does he think that a bit of tidying is going to have them forget what they have already seen
Is he so arrogant to think he can gaslight them into thinking you have over exaggerated the extent of his hoarding and suddenly make the photographic evidence disappear

Hoarding is a mental illness but being able to tidy up his hoarding indicates something else
It does sound like it was done on purpose and he didn’t care what you thought. It again is that constant drip drip drip of poison.

Until you start seeing your dh as he really is then you will remain in a life never lived

Can you do some research on abuse and the different types of abuse and the ways abusers keep you in their life.

Of course the abuser isn’t going to abuse you everyday because you would have left years ago. They will have periods of time where they are nice to you to pull you back in and you think everything has changed but then subtly the abuse starts again

Imagine that every single time your dh brought something into the house to add to his collection of stuff he instead slapped your face

How many slaps would it take for you to see he is abusing you.

Everytime he has kept you short of money, he instead put his hands round your neck and strangled you till you passed out

How many times till you saw the abuse

Everytime he told you that buying something was a waste of money and you didn’t buy it he instead punched you in the stomach

How many times before you realised you were being abused

none of the things my husband is doing are criminal so I don't know what they could actually do

I think you need to look up what is and isn’t criminal behaviour

Coercive control, where you don’t recognise that you are being abused is a criminal act

If everything was fine and your dh had a clear conscious why is he tidying his crap

I think the roof slates needing to be replaced are an almost perfect parallel to your life

Your roof was fine, like your life was

Then you marry your dh
2 roof slates become loose

After years of being fine (but slowly being abused by your dh) you had a breakdown after buying a duvet.

After years of being fine despite multiple down pours, the rain gets into the roof beams.
After one more downpour the roof collapses

You dont see that fixing 2 roof tiles for a few pounds will save you thousands

You don’t see that your Dh’s abuse has cost you thousands in a career cut short

Any chance that you were at a higher level than him, more intelligent and he wanted to be the man of the house, the main earner and his ego couldn’t take your career

I honestly believe he never ever intended to ham but only to protect me and love and cherish me. I do believe that and im honestly quite shocked how much people think he was abusive especially before the breakdown. I know his behaviours had an impact on me but I blame myself for that in being insecure and hypersensitive although I didn't realise that at the time.

When people have mental health problems they don’t necessarily mean to harm other people they just do.

There are 2 versions of your relationship with your DH: the rose-tinted one - we are so in love and he’s been such a support to me, friends think we have a great relationship etc; and the reality which comes out in little drips - he is a hoarder with a drink problem who downloaded his day on you every single day, controlled his environment and you to such an extent that you couldn’t have blinds, music or a tidy desk to work at. You were his support and your friends didn’t know how you put up with him.

As others have said your bar is so low after your childhood that not actively hitting you is seen as a win.

Someone who really loved and cherished you would consider your needs. They would ensure you had blinds, music, a clear space to work, approve of your paying for a typist for transcription, get a cleaner, take you out on your birthday etc. The sad truth is you don’t actually know what real support feels like.

I think you have created an airbrushed version of your marriage which is understandable after the childhood you had. You want to believe you survived your early life and found love and security. The problem is divergence between this narrative and the dysfunctional man with mental health problems who prioritises his needs over your own and uses you as a tool in his significant control mechanisms.

So I think one of the reasons you are “stuck” is that while you have done a lot of work on your childhood you cannot face honest engagement with the reality of your marriage. It’s very difficult to fix your own mental health issues when you are enmeshed with someone who has their own that they are not dealing with, and you form a key part of their coping strategy.

Conceiving that your DH a may be part of your problem may be terrifying and threatens the one secure thing after your breakdown. But until you recognise that this security is actually quicksand in which you are sinking, you cannot get yourself to place of true safety and recovery.

Your posts, the way you write, the running round in circles and using the posters here as a sounding board to endlessly relive your past, the way you are contradicting yourself (in one post you had a breakdown because you couldn’t live in the hoard, in another post it’s no biggie, just a bit of stuff here and there nothing to see there really) all suggest that you are very vulnerable, have limited insights into your situation despite extensive ruminations, and are in need of external help.

I really hope your family pushes SS more and will not drop this. Your husband is a grown up man so I assume not matter how much you try to shield him he will have to meet SS at some point. From your own posts - he’s a hoarder and a plonker. These features are neither desirable in a partner, nor helpful for your mental health recovery.

It sounds like you are over worrying about your family’s reactions especially your father. Firstly you admit you are unwell, as such you are probably not able to fully judge and maybe are overreacting the situation, social services are able to judge they can deal with your fathers bullying if that is how he continues to act. Frankly what your fathers reactions and behaviour is irrelevant it is not for you to worry about that now. If you are your husband agree social services meeting is not necessary tell them. Continue to see your doctors and take any medication. They are closer to you then any amount of stranger replies on the internet. Help your husband with the hoarding if that has caused you stress in your home take positive actions by small steps can you clear space a little at a time so you have room to make your own desk space again or a small chilled out study space, surrounding yourself by things you love? Small positives steps make change happen. Your husband sounds like he doesn’t know what’s for the best hence his reluctance for therapy. I would have a joint 2nd meeting with social services to see if they can bring an outside help or if you all agree you don’t require their involvement. With your history with your family I wouldn’t discuss things with them for now let the dust settle and concentrate on practical matters. Sending hugs

is still very difficult whilst my husband refuses therapy and I am still so lost and unwell.
Sorry @LucyLoo1972 this 'therapy' for your dh, is it a separate private therapist for him, or is this him to see your therapist, who's saying Its all his fault?

I’m not sure what you are hoping from this thread as you have gone into extreme detail of breakdown which I understand happened 8 years ago and your husband and you have got through all that. How did the meeting go with adult social services? Are they returning to check up on you. If you have said their concerns regarding your husband were unfounded what is it now you are hoping to achieve? A calm living environment rather than raging at each other is preferable. You keep referring to the past what is happening now? Is your communication between your husband and you any better from the intervention by social services?

Very good points