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Original poster

Why does old friend do this?

114 replies

Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 01/08/2024 23:35

I had a very good friend I worked with for over ten years, we talked daily, saw each other outside work, supported each other through terrible times and also had huge laughs. She was really important to me and I considered her one of my best friends. She ended up moving back home, so obviously distance changed things a little between us. I always was the one trying to keep in touch more. She’d send the occasional message and come to visit where I live maybe once a year and make a big fuss about how we’d meet up and she’d message me, but she never did. Contact got less and less and I felt so hurt about receiving only the odd comment on a photo on Sm, that I just cut her out. It was painful at first, but gradually I got used to it, I didn’t engage on Sm, never messaged her etc and gave short, but polite responses to any Sm comments she made or messages she sent. Now as awful as it sounds, I no longer have any interest in her and don’t see how we’d ever have anything in common now.
Recently she’s messaging me all the time, very nice supportive messages, I’m just wondering why, our friendship is clearly dead and it’s too late to decide to make an effort, now it just feels awkward to me and like it would never be the same. I have a big group of amazing friends now and just don’t understand what is the point for her.
What does she want now when she didn’t bother for years and I did?

OP posts:
Tandora · 02/08/2024 00:40

Scottishshortbread11877 · 02/08/2024 00:38

Unless there is a clear falling out then I would consider her still to be a friend regardless of fluctuating contact levels. She knows you well and you have history. I would still be interested in updates on my friends that I don't have as much contact with as I used to. You can't be expected to message daily now as you haven't been colleagues for 5 years. Expectations can be adjusted as circumstances change. In answer to your question though she may not even be aware that you were so offended from her lack of effort. You should have told her.

This is what I think too!

Scottishshortbread11877 · 02/08/2024 00:38

Unless there is a clear falling out then I would consider her still to be a friend regardless of fluctuating contact levels. She knows you well and you have history. I would still be interested in updates on my friends that I don't have as much contact with as I used to. You can't be expected to message daily now as you haven't been colleagues for 5 years. Expectations can be adjusted as circumstances change. In answer to your question though she may not even be aware that you were so offended from her lack of effort. You should have told her.

Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 00:38

@EmeraldRoulette I think I was so hurt for so long that recently it’s as though I’ve completely passed through that and feel…nothing anymore and it’s a relief to not feel hurt or not even that sad, which is sad itself I suppose! But that’s what lack of effort/contact will do I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️
It just feels awkward when she contacts me now, I have nothing to say and no interest anymore
I wish her the best though

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 00:34

@Time40 But me always being the one to make more effort and feeling hurt by the lack of effort or interest in my child etc has just killed it for me. With all other friends (majority who I wasn’t as close to) they all make/have made more effort than this. I last saw her when my Dd was around 6 months, she’s 6 now! That’s not a very close friend

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 02/08/2024 00:34

@Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast Because when I have tried to talk to people about it, they normally blame lack of time and say I haven’t done anything wrong.

maybe when kids are older, they’ll reappear?

Are you in that headspace where you feel like saying “where the hell have you been, and why do you expect attention now?”

Time40 · 02/08/2024 00:30

Its 5 years of me always making more effort

So how long is it since she moved away? Five years is nothing! She probably does still consider you to be an important friend, and now she has simply got more time, and wants to pick up again. If you liked her then, I'd just start to be in more contact and revive the friendship - you'll probably find it feels like it always did. Having lots in common doesn't go away just because you haven't seen someone for a while.

Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 00:27

So what to do, just answer politely but that’s all?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 00:27

@Fifteentreefrogs She has definitely noticed the lack of contact…must have

OP posts:
Fifteentreefrogs · 02/08/2024 00:12

I think the point is that she hasn't realised how you feel and still considers it a friendship obviously

Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 02/08/2024 00:00

*All just gone, not fine

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 01/08/2024 23:59

@Fifteentreefrogs Its 5 years of me always making more effort 😂I don’t or haven’t had that in any other friendship and we were very close, I was very hurt, now I’m ok, but now she shows up. I’m not angry at all anymore, it’s all just fine for me, which is a real shame as I did consider her a friend for life. I’m just curious about what the point is on her side now.
For the record, I’m chilled in friendships and totally understand people being busy etc, o am now with my Dd, I’d still recognise others efforts though

OP posts:
Fifteentreefrogs · 01/08/2024 23:52

I always wonder at how high some peoples expectations are regarding friendships.. and how they expect other people to just know what the expectations are without communicating them.
Did you ever actually tell this friend how you felt?
It may just be that she had a lot going on at one point.. it may just be that now she has more time to contact you so she does.. it may be that she never even noticed you withdrawing slightly and just thought you were busy like her.. rather than thinking you were angry or hurt.
You could accuse her of not caring about the friendship but you could also look at it the other way and think that you did not really care about the friendship as if your expectations weren't met you just withdrew and didn't bother to verbalise any issue and now harbour loads of resentment. You say you just don't care any more but you are writing a post on mumsnet about it. It sounds like you are still angry at her and still haven't at any point actually communicated the issues to her.
Long distance friendships can be hard. Remember that people don't always view friendship as a concept the same way you do. To her you may still be close friends as you've not actually said anything to her about how you have been feeling have you?

Original poster
Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 01/08/2024 23:41

@EmeraldRoulette Why do you wonder if some people are going to do that to you?

It’s like she only made occasional effort for the last few years and has suddenly remembered who I am-so odd, for me though, it’s just gone now. It’s like when you get the ick for a guy, but for a friend

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 01/08/2024 23:38

I don’t know the answer but I wonder if some people are going to do that to me. She’s bored or lonely or something. I mean no disrespect to you of course.

mum has had people do this to her.

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