Why does old friend do this?

Do other people not have friendships that rise and fall depending on circumstances? I have my best friends but even then I probably only talk to them every month or so.

I disagree with most of these posts. For whatever reason she couldn't even find a few minutes to send a message. Yes you could have told her you were hurt, but she could also have messaged to say she had a lot on and sorry if she went quiet for a while.

It sounds like you did your bit to keep the friendship going but got nothing back. You've moved on, made your peace with what happened and have new friends. I don't think you have to pick this up if you don't want to. Send her one message to say you're glad she's well but after not hearing from her for so long you've built a life without her in it. Wish her all the best and then leave it.

You sound bitter and resentful, and I'm.sure you feel justified in that. But I suspect this is more misunderstanding and poor communication. Good friendships can go years without meeting up. I recently caught up with old colleagues that I hadn't seen for 10 years, we all immediately clicked and slipped straight back into the good relationship we had all enjoyed.

You could be honest (but gently)with her and explain you felt hurt. Or let that hurt go and rekindle the friendship.

I think it was a bit unfair if you to slowly fade/ ghost her without telling her what was going on - I mean she doesn't know you don't want to be friends does she? Maybe she's a bit lonely atm or going through a tough time that's why she's reaching out, talk to her maybe.

I think we all have difference expectations of friendships - this sums it up quite nicely for me ….

Either:

a) The friendship was important to her but she unconsciously relied on you to do the maintenance, not understanding how you perceived that. She has realised she wasn't pulling her weight, and is making an effort to rebuild the relationship (I admit I have been this person). Or...

b) She has noticed that you've lost interest and her ego requires that you re-engage. She will make enough effort to get you to do so and then, having established that you are still "available", will lose interest and drop contact again (I have been on the receiving end of this one).

Impossible to know which, but if she was really a good friend in the past, I generally give them the benefit of the doubt.

I think you're being unfair here. The level of friendship you had before was intense, that was never going to be maintained once moving away. But her having 4 kids and moving and settling into a new life....sometimes things die down a bit. But true friends would still be friends.

You don’t think that maybe having 4 kids took her attention a little?! Wow 🙄

So she moved away to a new area and has 4 children to settle into schools, nurseries, presumably make new connections in the area, possibly start a new job and fit in there and you’re pissed off because she didn’t prioritise you? You sound very spoiled and selfish tbh. Try seeing it from her point of view. Now that she and her family are settled she’s trying to make more time for you. And she didn’t disappear completely during this time, she still kept in touch as frequently as possible. It’s not like she completely ghosted you or did anything bad to you. I think you are being very unfair to your friend.

I'd feel the same as you OP. The fluctuating contact I'd be fine with, but not coming to my area repeatedly, promising to meet, and then not.

I'd answer her if you feel like it, but not put myself out. As to why is she in touch now - at a guess she's at a loose end for whatever reason.

My God. Life happens, and it can be so busy - we have losses, challenges, and sometimes don’t have the energy to consistently pour the same level of intensity into a connection -
i guess I just don’t have the same requirement for friends that you do - I can’t even imagine being this way.

so from my perspective , YABU. But carry on, I suppose.

is this called object permanency? For some people, it’s out of sight , out of mind - for others, I guess a bond remains no matter the amount of contact. 🤷🏻‍♀️

*making a effort

She may not have realised/been busy and has allowed things to drift. And has recently noticed so is my sling sn effort.

If you don't want to build the friendship again then don't. But it might be easier to be honest and say you were hurt when she pulled away after moving and see what she says.

Does she have children? It’s interesting she seemed to keep her distance when you had yours. If she doesn’t have children maybe be a bit sensitive to that and connect the two. If she does, maybe she really wanted another but circumstances meant she couldn’t, or she tried and something tragic happened that she kept to herself. Just a reminder not to take things personally and assume it’s about you when everyone has stuff going on in their lives that they don’t necessarily put on social media.

@Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast

I last saw her when my Dd was around 6 months, she’s 6 now! That’s not a very close friend

That's exactly where I disagree with you - as I said, five years is nothing. In my world it's absolutely possible to have a close friend and not see that friend for five years. Life can very, very easily get in the way. I think the problem here is that the two of you have different ideas about acceptable ways to maintain a friendship. You're a person who needs lots of contact, but your (now ex?) friend is fine with long periods out of contact.

You should tell her. Just say, listen I know we used to be close but I feel you let me down and I don’t think our friendship is salvageable. I wish you the best but I’ve moved on. Otherwise, she won’t know. And as much as you say you don’t care, you’re lying to yourself. If you genuinely didnt you wouldn’t be on MN posting about it. It’s ok to be hurt and angry. You feel she abandoned you and let you down when you believed you were as important in her life as she was in yours. If you don’t want to rebuild your friendship then reply to her and tell her that and truly move on with your life. Speak your truth and hopefully get the acknowledgment you need to get closure and move on.

I just mentioned daily messaging as that's how you stated your friendship used to be and it was almost like you were expecting that level of contact to be required to maintain the friendship. Did you message her when she was in your area to see what her plans were to plan a meet up? She may have been offended that you didn't invite her over for lunch when you knew she was in town? Did you ever message her to say you missed her or go down to visit her ?

FWIW I find that very relatable.

probably worth mentioning though, in my case, there are no distance issues and I did raise my feelings about it. That said, I do understand why you didn’t talk to your friend about it- it you can see how people feel about you by how they treat you.