Why does old friend do this?

No wonder we have endemic loneliness in our society. Even if you have managed to make some friends that may not even help you since the definition of friend apparently includes people who can't be bothered to interact with you for long periods.

You lost me at I felt so hurt about receiving only the odd comment on a photo on Sm, that I just cut her out.
She wasn't giving your public photos the attention you wanted so you cut her out.

I agree with you.
I have three very good friends who all live hours away so we barely physically meet up or see each other for various reasons (cost/time/family/work etc) but we arent so ignorant that we can't reply to a message!

And the whole "she moved house/has 4 kids" nonsense. Its been 5 years of never bothering to message. Wtf, has she been unpacking the new house for all that time?!

Everyone is busy. If people want to make time for you, they will. If they cant be arsed, they wont. I cant be bothered with folk who cant be bothered with me. Its that simple.

People dont have to message every day or within a set time frame. But its not unrealistic to expect a reply in a day or so surely?

I’m absolutely shocked at the amount of people who think this is ok for a friendship. Friendship works both ways and for the entire of 5 years effort is only one way and people of mums net think it’s fine for the person not making an effort to just return to someone’s life if biazzare.

ive found you can have best friendships that are time specific. Both parties enjoy each others company but when one side moves job/area/finish uni etc the friendship slides away. It’s sad but it’s life.

It sounds like you're overthinking this.

She's had 4 children. I can't even imagine how you have the time to take a piss with that many kids, let alone message everyone back constantly.

Perhaps they've got a little bit older and she's starting to feel like she has time to message again?

I have a few friends from work who I was close with maybe 14/15 years ago. 1 sometimes doesn't message back but she has 3 dogs and 2 little children. Then all of a sudden she will get in touch loads. The other one messages every few months. When we speak, it's like nothing has changed.

Life get busy. People are working, cleaning, trying to look after kids, taking kids to a variety of clubs, school. It's so difficult. Not to be rude, but it's so, so much easier with 1 child. It's almost impossible to imagine how hectic life can be with more kids until you go through it.

It does sound as if you're not happy with this though, so perhaps best to just respond politely to messages and leave it at that.

You ghosted her and she’s texting you to ask why? Isn’t that only to be expected?

PP saying they often don’t see friends for months- yes, this is completely normal in the age we live in, but 10 years with not seeing someone and only the occasional comment on social media? That isn’t a friendship! My best friend from school lives 5 hours from me and we recently met up after not seeing each other for 4 years- as both have small kids and a lot on- but we’d kept in touch- messages maybe every month or so sometimes less as life is busy, the occasional little present if we knew one of us was low, occasional phone calls. Nothing intense- but it maintains that friendship.

Completely see why you were hurt it went from what felt like a very close friendship to basically nothing. I could let that go for even a few years or so if someone moved and had little kids or other things going on- but 10 years? No. For the friendship to change- to being contact less often- of course that’s normal, but this wasn’t that- this was super close, to zero, and now random contact again with no explanation for that? I think she’s curious about what’s going with you and wants to find out, but I think if you let her in again, she’ll likely go back to the same lack of effort, which carries the risk of hurting you all over again. I’d just keep it polite but short in your responses.

To me that would be more of an acquaintance that I talk to now and then. I do value this as I think it takes all sorts of different relationships to make for a rich and varied life. However if they started out as a friend they'd gradually stop feeling like one as the absence period got longer.

I have friends I don’t see for years and then chat with and pick up when our lives have space. If you don’t want to still be friends that’s fine, just say so. Honestly if she’s got 4 children and two of them are under 6 she’s probably just been busy and thought you would understand.

She misses your friendship and wants to reconnect. She moved away, got busy and lost touch, it doesn’t sound like it was anything personal, just life was life-ing. If you don’t want to continue the friendship that’s absolutely your prerogative, but I have friends who I don’t see from time to time and we pick up as if it was only yesterday. Life is too short to hold a grudge for something as trivial as you’ve detailed, but if you can’t move past the fact contact was lost, then you should gently let her know that you’re hurt and you’re hurt beyond recovery.

For me if a friend seems to have lost interest I will usually send a check in message like is everything okay, have I upset you at all or are you just mad busy etc. I take what they say in response at face value and won’t make much effort again if they don’t. Mostly people are just busy getting on with their own things, sometimes will say they’re busy as an excuse and you don’t really hear from them again but I think sending one check in is fine. I once thought my friend was ghosting me and it turned out she was separating from her husband and hadn’t told anyone yet so appreciated being asked head on as it gave her the chance to say it without her having to be the one to tell someone

It seems like you’ve made up your mind OP - you don’t want to talk to her about stuff in your life, so fair enough. I think people tend to fall into two camps, those who don’t see the point in maintaining friendships throughout lower intensity periods and want a steady flow of activity from their friendships, and those who are a bit happier to go with the ebbs and flows of life, and pick up where they left off if someone goes a bit quiet for a while. I’m personally more the latter, but if you’re the former, that’s not ‘wrong’. You feel you drifted apart driven by her and that’s fine. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to her much then don’t, if you don’t want to be polite then don’t, she will soon get the message if you’re not close enough to discuss it head on anymore

I don't really get what sort of conversation you can have with a friend that seems to have lost interest. Are you supposed to confront them for their lack of effort or beg them to continue being friends with you? I suppose if they gave reasons like being too busy with work that might give some closure.

I'd rather accept it for what it is and withdraw with some dignity.

Maybe reply but name it with her- that you are surprised that she initiating contact again and enquire if everything is ok?

I've always thought friendship included a level where you could drop in and out of each others lives and pick up where you left off without any offence, just joy at being in contact again. I have people I consider friends I have not seen for over 3yrs who are in the same country. I would never think time or distance stops that

Op didn't phase her out, she contacted her the same amount as the friend was contacting op.
If the friend doesn't like that then she shiuldnhave been more considerate. 5 years of always being the person who reaches out gets very old very quickly. As the op did, I'd assume that she didn't want to continue the friendship.

Things have moved on now

You felt hurt and rejected then but never told her. That didn't give her a chance to explain any mitigating circumstances so you don't know what happened.

It could be someone from both your past told her stuff about you and she believed them or whatever.

Or she had an illness she kept private but knew you'd see through her sham so avoided you. Or that she was the one who felt rejected by you.

I'd tell her how you felt and feel now and see what she has to say.

It could be that you've totally misjudged her and going forward with this friendship in a potentially less close way that you were originally is the way forward.

Or it could be it's run it's course. You won't know til you try.

I haven't seen one of my best friends for about 5 years - we live several hours apart, both have children. We message when we can. I recently apologised to her for taking so long to respond, and she told me not to be daft, that we were family and it didn't matter how much time apart we had, that wouldn't change.

I understand your feelings, but I think you're unfair putting this all on her. People have different expectations for friendships, and you can't blame her for not meeting yours if you never told her what they are in the first place.

Perhaps when she moved away she concentrated on.making new friends. Perhaps they're no longer friends now.and she's reminiscing your old.friendship? I'd.actually.message her asking if she's okay,.as you've not heard much from her from the past.5 years? See what her answer is.

100% this. It's normal I have friends I don't speak to often but their still friends and I will always be there for them but as an adult your focus goes on family, work and day to day life. It's not like when your a teenager and have to see your friend all the time. This is how adult friendship works.