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Why does old friend do this?

114 replies

Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 01/08/2024 23:35

I had a very good friend I worked with for over ten years, we talked daily, saw each other outside work, supported each other through terrible times and also had huge laughs. She was really important to me and I considered her one of my best friends. She ended up moving back home, so obviously distance changed things a little between us. I always was the one trying to keep in touch more. She’d send the occasional message and come to visit where I live maybe once a year and make a big fuss about how we’d meet up and she’d message me, but she never did. Contact got less and less and I felt so hurt about receiving only the odd comment on a photo on Sm, that I just cut her out. It was painful at first, but gradually I got used to it, I didn’t engage on Sm, never messaged her etc and gave short, but polite responses to any Sm comments she made or messages she sent. Now as awful as it sounds, I no longer have any interest in her and don’t see how we’d ever have anything in common now.
Recently she’s messaging me all the time, very nice supportive messages, I’m just wondering why, our friendship is clearly dead and it’s too late to decide to make an effort, now it just feels awkward to me and like it would never be the same. I have a big group of amazing friends now and just don’t understand what is the point for her.
What does she want now when she didn’t bother for years and I did?

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Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 22/08/2024 16:48

@WhatNoRaisins Nah

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Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 22/08/2024 16:47

@Sheeplesss Yes I think so, I can imagine when she noticed though she be shocked that I had

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Sheeplesss · 22/08/2024 09:50

OP, she is suiting herself for whatever reason.
Perfectly reasonable to delete, archive, mute or simply not respond further to her.
The friendship is fully dead.
Well done for moving on.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/08/2024 09:49

Maybe she's bored and sending messages to different people on her contact list is something to do.

Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 22/08/2024 09:41

@rentersleaf Yes, but then came again to where I am, didn’t mention it or arrange to meet up, but then posted about it afterwards…and met up with a different old friend from here, so she obviously has the time/effort to do that. This is why I wonder what the point is messaging me etc

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rentersleaf · 22/08/2024 06:47

I'd assume she's neglected the relationship, noticed your lack of interest due to this and has upped her attention as she doesn't want to lose the friendship.

Totally up to you whether to reciprocate. There's a risk once she gets you back she will drop off again

WhatNoRaisins · 22/08/2024 06:41

I wouldn't feel bad unfriending this person. Loads of people regularly go through things like Facebook friends and delete people that they haven't interacted with in years.

Glassoak · 22/08/2024 00:58

princessconsuelobananahammock · 02/08/2024 09:13

You don’t think that maybe having 4 kids took her attention a little?! Wow 🙄

This?

Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 22/08/2024 00:42

*Went anywhere

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Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 22/08/2024 00:42

Well…after the odd messages she sent that never even sent anywhere, a friend told me she’d been over for a holiday where I am for a couple of weeks and now home…it’s definitely not a friendship anymore and tbh it has no point to it, I feel like just taking her off my social media/u following/unfriending, because really, what is the point?
Should I do this/would you?

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Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 09/08/2024 22:34

@MadameMassiveSalad I’m not a needy or intense person at all, but barely any effort/contact in 5 years is pushing it for (supposedly) v close friends 🙈

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MadameMassiveSalad · 09/08/2024 20:48

I don't really understand your neediness.
Sometimes friends come and go.
That's life.
If you have a deep connection with someone it doesn't really disappear just because you see them less.
You sound intense. Quite all or nothing. To me.

Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 09/08/2024 17:10

She hasn’t messaged again after the last couple of messages anyway, my responses were nice but I didn’t ask questions/lead them to have more messages as I would do in the past…I did what she’s mainly done before basically

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Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 09/08/2024 17:08

@WhatNoRaisins Exactly, I was considering deleting Sm for a bit recently as some friends have done and I did think she wouldn’t have any way to contact me etc as others friends do with WhatsApp

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Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 09/08/2024 17:07

@Humannat I don’t think I’m being petty at all

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Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 09/08/2024 17:06

@YouMustBeHappyNow Yes I think that’s it, also off school for the summer and granted probably has more time, but a simple message/check in takes minutes only throughout the years

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YouMustBeHappyNow · 09/08/2024 17:05

I think she's feeling nostalgic and/or in need of the affirmation you used to give her for some reason. I understand why you feel the way you do. I would too.

WhatNoRaisins · 09/08/2024 16:53

To me someone that dips in and out for long periods is an acquaintance. Not always a bad thing, I think you need different relationships and one thing I really missed during lockdown was the odd conversation with a now and then acquaintance.

I wouldn't consider someone I'd had no contact with for multiple years a friend. I know a lot of people routinely delete people on Facebook after 2 years of no interaction.

Humannat · 09/08/2024 15:05

Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 01/08/2024 23:59

@Fifteentreefrogs Its 5 years of me always making more effort 😂I don’t or haven’t had that in any other friendship and we were very close, I was very hurt, now I’m ok, but now she shows up. I’m not angry at all anymore, it’s all just fine for me, which is a real shame as I did consider her a friend for life. I’m just curious about what the point is on her side now.
For the record, I’m chilled in friendships and totally understand people being busy etc, o am now with my Dd, I’d still recognise others efforts though

It sounds like she also considered you a friend for life and is totally unaware you were feeling this way?

I find this quite petty, me and my childhood best friend had 2 years of no contact at all in our early twenties and it was horrible, she was going through some stuff .

JollyPinkFox · 09/08/2024 14:22

idk why some of you need there to be a clear right and wrong. If i don't speak to someone much for a while I still consider them a friend unless we have a big falling out. Maybe not a close one but some people are just more low maintenance. If that isn't for you that's fine but other people aren't wrong or 'not friends' just because that kind of friendship isn't for you. I don't have time for people getting aggy that I didn't like their post or leave a comment etc that's too much for me.

Whalewatching · 09/08/2024 11:47

I don’t think you’re unreasonable op, but neither is your friend. You’re just not in the same page friendship wise. I have some friends that I’m in very regular contact with and others that really do dip in and out of contact. I think there’s room for both as I have had periods in my life where for all sorts of reasons I haven’t always been totally available.

You need regular meet ups and contact and she’s a dipper (4 kids, relocation etc - it’s not surprising!). Try to let go of the resentment and anger as I don’t think it’s personal. Life is busy.

Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 09/08/2024 10:24

@WhatNoRaisins Ridiculous isn’t it, that’s why I was shocked when she messaged and wondering why 🤷🏻‍♀️I mean, you don’t wonder that when friends normally message do you

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WhatNoRaisins · 09/08/2024 10:07

I mean you might as well take your favourite celebrity and claim to be friends with them. If friendship doesn't even require any interaction then what's the difference?

Yes there isn't a universal definition of friend but come on, any term used too broadly inevitably becomes meaningless.

Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 09/08/2024 09:12

@WhatNoRaisins Not a friend, is it

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Chocolatewafflesforbreakfast · 09/08/2024 09:04

@Demonhunter No, only receiveing that, nothing personal, message replies to me etc, I’m not bothered about sone quick comment on a post, that’s not keeping in touch in my view

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