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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU about parents moving away

107 replies

Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:16

So back story, I have a 3 month old DD and a single mum. I moved to where my parents are located when I found out I was pregnant because I wanted to be close to my support network.
Both of my parents seemed really happy for me to be moving to them and excited for them to be around DD when she was born.
fast forward a few months and they’ve just announced they are going to move to the Isle of Wight.
They moan when they haven’t seen DD in two days, but they are moving like 8 hours away now?
AIBU to be annoyed by this? I feel a little smacked in the face by it, I can’t fathom opting to move that far away from my DD and granddaughter at this age if I was to have one in future?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 21:15

Thanks everyone I’m feeling validated by being a bit annoyed and upset! Will try reiterating again that we won’t be able to visit often and that they should visit in winter as @Interl0per has recommend and see what that does.
They seem keen to move before winter though so perhaps it won’t change much.

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 01/08/2024 21:14

It does seem strange. I would have a blunt conversation with them, kindly.

Do they really not want to see you and their grandchild anymore?
If they expect you to visit, be clear you won’t.
Do they realise that as they get older, you won’t be near for any support or care?

TizerorFizz · 01/08/2024 21:09

@Kakakate We have friends living in IoW. When we visit it’s limiting in terms of where to go and what to do. There’s yachting activity around Cowes but otherwise it disappoints me. It’s only passable if you are into sailing. It is expensive to get the ferry all the time too.

Also, your parents are younger than me and I wouldn’t live there. Twilight years? Absolutely not. I think you must tell them visits will be very limited. I guess you are in the north at the moment. I would have to say choose between seeing grandchild or IOW. Cannot have both.

gmgnts · 01/08/2024 21:09

I think it's very hard on you. When I was about 20, my parents retired and moved a 10-hour train journey away. Although I dutifully visited when I could, it seemed that they didn't really care about seeing me much. My DD has now moved considerably more than a 10 hour journey away from us, and I feel hurt and abandoned all over again. Some families clearly don't want to feel particularly close. I find it very sad.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/08/2024 21:06

Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:40

Early 60’s. It’s difficult because I understand they still want to have a life, I just think it’s difficult for me but also I feel guilt for my DD that she’s only got a small family anyway and now she’s not going to be close to her grandparents.

Show quote history

Have they said why they are moving? Early 60s, I presume they are still working, so was it for a job opportunity? Or are they retiring there?

I think going on repeat that you won't be able to visit often is all you can doSad.

ThankTheLord · 01/08/2024 21:03

Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:40

Early 60’s. It’s difficult because I understand they still want to have a life, I just think it’s difficult for me but also I feel guilt for my DD that she’s only got a small family anyway and now she’s not going to be close to her grandparents.

Show quote history

It sounds very upsetting.

Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:57

Iloveacurry · 01/08/2024 20:56

I’d be upset too. Besides, would you want to spend every holiday in the IOW? You probably want to go somewhere else occasionally!

exactly 😂

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 01/08/2024 20:56

I’d be upset too. Besides, would you want to spend every holiday in the IOW? You probably want to go somewhere else occasionally!

Teacherbee85 · 01/08/2024 20:55

I can't understand that at all, OP. I'd be delighted to be a grandparent and want to be close and involved.

Very odd behaviour. I'd be hurt too.

letsjustdothis · 01/08/2024 20:55

What's their reason for moving? I could understand if they wanted to go to Spain or something, but really IoW 😂

Dearover · 01/08/2024 20:52

Do they have any idea how much it costs to go to and from the mainland? Current prices for a weekend on the Island with a car are running at around £150. In the summer it costs around £90 for a day return (impossible with an 8 hour drive regardless)

MillyMollyMandHey · 01/08/2024 20:43

Do you think the reality of being ‘your support network’ in old age was a worry for them?

RaininSummer · 01/08/2024 20:43

I would be upset by that too although it never happened to me as I lived almost 300 miles from family anyway. My parents did talk about moving to Spain though when my kids were small and I did have to point out that visits would be sparse because I wouldn't have been able to afford it in school holidays very often. They didn't go in the end for various reasons but that was one of the factors. Make sure they understand that you couldn't visit often without making it sound like emotional blackmail.

Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:40

ThankTheLord · 01/08/2024 20:37

That's really hard for you.

Perhaps paint out the reality that they might see you a couple of times a year, unless they come back up to visit you.

How old are they OP?

Show quote history

Early 60’s. It’s difficult because I understand they still want to have a life, I just think it’s difficult for me but also I feel guilt for my DD that she’s only got a small family anyway and now she’s not going to be close to her grandparents.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 01/08/2024 20:39

SoOriginal · 01/08/2024 20:25

I’m sure they don’t want to move away from your DD, but I imagine they’ve lived their life for their family and want to enjoy their twilight years.
It’s a shame they didn’t realise it before you moved nearer to them, I’ll admit that would annoy me after I’d intentionally moved closer to them.

Edited

Shame if they want looking after at some stage. So many people do this. I used to work in the NHS by the sea and the amount of lonely people with families hours away was epic. They nearly all regretted moving there.

ThankTheLord · 01/08/2024 20:37

Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:36

I have raised it in a soft way but it’s a bit of head in the sand response of “it will be fine you can do holidays here”

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That's really hard for you.

Perhaps paint out the reality that they might see you a couple of times a year, unless they come back up to visit you.

How old are they OP?

Interl0per · 01/08/2024 20:37

I think you're totally reasonable being upset about this.
I do suggest encouraging them to take an extended trip there in November/January, before deciding to buy.

Firstly, they'll see what it's really like for the off season (most of the year!), and you can have a frank conversation about how you can't just visit.
It might be enough for them to reconsider for themselves.

Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:36

ThankTheLord · 01/08/2024 20:33

Have you told them OP?

Raise it in a soft way....8 hours away...no way! That's like more than a day's worth of travelling, so if you had a weekend....you would get to sleep there, and then come home on Sunday?! 🤣🤣

Edited
Show quote history

I have raised it in a soft way but it’s a bit of head in the sand response of “it will be fine you can do holidays here”

OP posts:
Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:35

Pippa12 · 01/08/2024 20:33

My Dad moved abroad just after I had my first child. It really made me sad that my children wouldn’t get my lovely dad as often as I’d hoped (not for childcare) and I feel so sad that he misses their birthdays and big life events.

You get used to it. Naturally we’ve drifted apart, still speak on FaceTime every couple of weeks but the kids call him ‘Grandad (insert country) and it really stings every time.

No advice, just solidarity that it’s really shit.

Thank you. How did you feel when it happened?

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 01/08/2024 20:34

The Isle of bloody Wight? Well goodbye parents then. How are you going to travel 8 hours then take an expensive ferry. My DS is 41 and I wouldn't move to Scotland, a place I always wanted to live, because it was too far away from him.
Their expectations of you travelling to see them there are extremely unrealistic and I suggest you tell them that.

ThankTheLord · 01/08/2024 20:33

Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:31

Yes, this is part of the reason I’m feeling annoyed, they’ve mentioned me visiting regularly with DD when they move but I don’t think travelling solo with a young child that far in a car and then onwards is going to be feasible

Show quote history

Have you told them OP?

Raise it in a soft way....8 hours away...no way! That's like more than a day's worth of travelling, so if you had a weekend....you would get to sleep there, and then come home on Sunday?! 🤣🤣

Pippa12 · 01/08/2024 20:33

My Dad moved abroad just after I had my first child. It really made me sad that my children wouldn’t get my lovely dad as often as I’d hoped (not for childcare) and I feel so sad that he misses their birthdays and big life events.

You get used to it. Naturally we’ve drifted apart, still speak on FaceTime every couple of weeks but the kids call him ‘Grandad (insert country) and it really stings every time.

No advice, just solidarity that it’s really shit.

Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:32

EmeraldRoulette · 01/08/2024 20:31

Do you think the plan was already made when you moved?

They have mentioned about moving somewhere in future in a pipe dream way before but if they had any actual plans they didn’t tell me

OP posts:
oObyeOo · 01/08/2024 20:32

It’s pretty shit of them to announce this now and not to re you moving. Where do you live now? Would you want to move back to where you came from, or to IoW?

Original poster
Kakakate · 01/08/2024 20:31

Interl0per · 01/08/2024 20:29

It's really not that easy to commute to/from IoW, especially with young children. This was a problem in my family when I was young.
They may not realise this, if they've got the summer island in their minds

Yes, this is part of the reason I’m feeling annoyed, they’ve mentioned me visiting regularly with DD when they move but I don’t think travelling solo with a young child that far in a car and then onwards is going to be feasible

OP posts:
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