AIBU about parents moving away

Yet my eldest DD has moved over 200 miles away but no one seems to think that's an issue. Surely should work both ways?

My partners offspring both live in different countries. One 6 hour flight and one 12 hours away. So if they have kids then he's hardly ever going to see them

I hope they know the car ferry can cost £350 plus in the summer. If they want to see you, hope they’re paying for you to visit, if you can face that awful journey. The ferries were in chaos yesterday with two boats out of service and FIVE hour delays. Imagine that with a baby. They are entitled to move wherever they want obviously - but the IOW isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, for many reasons. I would be upset they were moving somewhere with such an expensive barrier, especially as you moved to be near them, but ultimately they can retire wherever they want.

Oh op I sympathise with you.

my parent has done something similar, although my children are older .

she has moved to the coast about 100 miles away.

now she complains that she doesn’t see the children as much, and gets quite annoyed at me if I don’t make the trip over during half term ect .

half the problem is there isn’t enough space for us to stay at hers , it’s quite a distance to go there and back in one day - I have done it a lot but it’s hard work - so it’s a hotel job in the holidays which is obviously expensive

I also worry that the next decade could see me having to make the journey more and more if they need help - luckily atm both fit well and working pt

I am also bloody annoyed that it was my favourite holiday spot to go to , and now I can’t go without sitting with her for the week 🙄

I dunno . I totally get that your disappointed they won't be around but I don't agree that grandparents should live have to lives around where they're grand kids/kids are. I hope to travel when I'm older and maybe live part of the year in a sunnier climate with dh .
If I do that I don't think it makes me selfish . At this stage in my life. The kids are my number 1 priority as they should be but honestly I'm looking forward to the day when I can have a little time back to do my thing for me.

I would also suggest that they consider living somewhere on the mainland near the Ferry if they love it so much. New Forest or Lee on Solent etc.
Most hospital trips involve a trip to the mainland. And a trip to the Island adds 1 or more hours to any journey.

If they haven't spent quite some time there in winter this is likely to be an expensive mistake.

DP
Just to set expectations
I will not be able to visit you in IOW very often sadly as its too far with a young child. You are always welcome to visit us here.
Please factor this into your future plans and if seeing us is a priority then perhaps consider moving somewhere closer. Bearing in mind I've moved to be close to you.

I just cannot believe anyone would prioritise the IOW over a grandchild. It’s bizarre. Just running away and making it clear they don’t care about family. When people get really old it’s a struggle. They won’t get help. You need to tell them! You’ve got nothing to lose. They lose a grandchild. How stupid of them,

Unfortunately i don’t think long distance family relationships are ever the same, no matter how close you were before the move.
DH’s parents also moved to the IOW. In the main its been successful for them, but they had friends already there. The health care has been very good for them - MIL says it’s Gods waiting room, so everything geared towards the elderly population! However anything serious they are shipped off to the mainland. And god knows what will happen if and when they get doddery.
It’s just no one is ever passing to drop in for a cuppa, or anything impromptu. Having to factor a ferry into a trip negates any sort of spontaneous visit, and they do i think find it isolating at times and tourists a pain in summer. There is a lot of social deprivation in parts, like most seaside places unfortunately.
They have next to no relationship with their nearly grown grandchildren and a now very distant relationship with their kids but it is what it is…you are not UR to be upset OP.

Did you move away from them first before you had DD?

A large geographical distance between 'close' family can strain/break relationships.

My husband's mother moved to Lanzarote when our children were small. She said it was only three hours away? We're north of England.

She said that she would get to see the Grandchildren more often as she would send them money for flights and that we could put them on the plane and she would meet them at the airport, every school holiday. It never happened. She said that we could (H and I) visit for two weeks every year - we never did as we'd been there numerous times and had ticked it off our destination list.

When she was sent a picture of her newborn great granddaughter, her first great grandchild, her response was 'isn't she big' - not beautiful, not adorable, not cute, but big. She weighed 6lb 12oz, so no, not big at all.

She came back to the UK a few years ago and now lives 10 minutes away. She thought she could just slot back into our lives. She'd been gone almost 20 years; all through her grandchildren's childhood. They had their own families when she came back to live here. My daughter (now 30) saw her in the town and MIL walked straight past her - didn't recognise her own granddaughter, despite always having had recent photos and contact through social media.

She came to my mother's funeral and, when reminiscing, mentioned that it felt odd to not even know such things like her grandchildren's favourite food/favourite colour/interests. She thought it was an amusing anecdote.

My husband resented that she couldn't be bothered to maintain a relationship with her own family. We were out of sight - out of mind.

He can't bear to be in the same building as her now. Due to her absence and non contact the relationship no longer exists. The distance that she put between herself and her family all those years ago remains the same.

I think it’s terrible that 60 year old parents who have raised their family dare to want a different lifestyle and want to enjoy sometime together in a different area while they have the good health and opportunity to do something they’d really like! The cheek of it!

I really do feel sorry for you that’s not nice at all. My parents (divorced) and siblings were not very supportive when I was a single parent either.

One parent moved a couple of hours drive from us and took my younger siblings and my beloved grandparent. It was also a coastal tourist town . So I was left in my hometown completely alone with just my child for a number of years, I was only in my early 20s as I had my child as a teenager. . It was then set in stone that anytime they decided they wanted my child for the weekend I had to get DC there and back regardless of if I could afford it or not. My parent stayed with us once overnight in five years, would get the train to visit friends etc but not to see us.

It was really isolating and upsetting and it upsets me to this day that I had that done to me and I was basically abandoned and not wanted.

So a few years later I moved a 6-8 hour drive away for a brand new start. I felt like I had nothing to lose as I was there alone every single day with no company I could go weeks without any contact with any adults just my child. That was 20years ago now and I live somewhere nice, I have a fiancé and we bought our own home a few years back, my child is obviously an adult and regards here as home.

But I continuously get digs and comments about the fact I moved away. None of my family ever visit us anymore, my parent and siblings who moved have never even seen my home and I was so proud that we managed to save up and get a mortgage. So it’s still causing rifts 25 years later and upsets me most weeks as it has always felt unfair. My parent is now nearly 80 and the siblings that live close by don’t really bother with them much and I’m here feeling guilty I can’t see them once a week.

Oh and I was never given an option to also move there and until I met my fiancé I was never allowed to even stay in the house overnight. I was allowed to drive my child to and from but never stay. And now since we bought a home here we are no longer allowed to stay again so to go home and see family I have to save up all year for a caravan out of season as that’s the only dates we can actually afford, my child’s not visited any of them since becoming 18 and the invites to stay in the holidays also stopped overnight.

So I’m afraid I don’t have any advice apart from knowing how it feels and that you won’t also be able to afford to visit 😰.

Sorry haven't RTFT. I think you just need to be clear that you won't be visiting much as it will be ready hard to travel, be specific. So maybe one or twice a year if that. Just so they understand the reality

My mil moved to Asia when ds was five days old. She just presumed she could stay with us three months of the year and that we would regularly visit her. We have never been because of the long flight, cost and because she was always here over the longest holiday. The lack of talking it through with us has destroyed our dynamic. She spent months sitting on her arse in our home critasizing everything we did, while we worked with 4 young kids. Never contributed to her keep or to her part of the chores. Never wanted to be involved with family days out.

She's like a distant aunt now. Never sees us when she does come over now because our new home isn't near a train line so it's not a good base for her.

So my advice is be very Frank and upfront. Ask them how they think they will maintain a relationship and if it involves you driving back and forth be totally Frank. Apart from that what can you do? It's their life of course but sometimes theres a cost. For us it's mil not being a grandparent. She is,a stranger and that time will never come,again. Kids,are grown and she didn't see any of it. Totally her choice to make.

I often dread her saying she wants to move back for her dotage. That's when I move abroad.

My parents moved away and I didn't think it was selfish. We'd grown and left home, made our own decisions, it was time they go to fulfill a dream of their own. If not now, when?

I should add, their decision is coming home to roost in their old age but it's probably been worth it for them, given all they have gained in their good years. It's good they got that.

Tell them how upset you are and be honest. Life is so much easier living near loved ones. I think it is quite selfish to move so far.

I'd suggest you practice FaceTime with them. Tell them you want to make sure that they understand how to do this as it is going to be their main contact with their GD.

Does your DD's other GPs not want to know her?
I'm on the fence tbh. I'm my DD's childcare, but it seems more and more a DD having children means that the maternal grandmother's life has to evolve around them. A full conversation should have been had.

I don’t blame you for being upset at all. As PP have said, perhaps tneh could have raised this sooner (if they’d known). We live in a different country to my family as a result of my husband’s job and unfortunately it is hard - both sides miss out on a lot and goodbyes at the end of a visit get harder each time. Have you asked why now?

I’d be pretty upset too. Without your parents there do you still prefer where you are vs where you moved from? I’d push back very clearly - mum I’ll be a single mum juggling work and childcare, you must know I won’t have 5 hour drives in me very often. I moved here so that wouldn’t be a problem. You’ll be welcome to visit any time you want.

I think it's a natural feeling to feel abandoned -- and more so for a single parent who needs support! My husband and I are a good team but we still struggle from time to time without any family near us (especially when the kids get sick or the car breaks down).

My parents retired 10 hours drive away. I visit every 18 months or so because it's just so far with small children. I'm hoping for once a year when they're school age. My parents are early 70s and seem to be finding the drive harder recently so they come every 6 months. I do worry as it seems every time you talk to them someone's just been at the doctor or is unwell but they love their new house and garden and have settled well into the community.

Of course it makes sense you are disappointed. It seems like this is something they've always talked about though. Did you check with them before you decided to move? They aren't doing anything wrong, but neither are you wrong feeling how you are. Can you have an honest conversation with them about your feelings? Not to change their mind, but it might help you understand it's not a rejection of you and your DD. I'd also be straight with them that you won't be able to visit much and they will need to make realistic plans for when they get older and frailer.

Very similar happened to us too (including us moving closer to them when pregnant and them never mentioning any future moving plans at that point). Guess what, now they're hours away and complain they don't see grandchildren often - shock. They didn't seem to grasp once our children started school us visiting them wouldn't even be an option a lot of the time as it's just not a doable journey in a weekend and we don't want to use all of our annual leave to drive across the country to where they live. No idea what they intend to do as they age and need more support, they've refused to engage in any practical conversations so nothing we can do. Makes me very sad for my children though.

My parents did similar. Tell them it was nice knowing them.

Can you move too?