To not want to invite In-laws other half to birthday party?

Of course you can't invite someone violent to a children's party! Only invite bil and he brings all of his children. If his partners won't allow it, then that's that. No mums need to attend at all.

Op, you're a parent now and it's your job to keep chaos and shit people out of your child's life. Your BIL doesn't get to call the shots as to who is allowed in your home and life. Don't invite any of these nutters and tell your husband to grow a pair.

You're sending out invites a few months in advance and struggling with the guest list. This sounds more like a wedding than a one year olds birthday. The birthday boy won't be able to go on the bouncy castle with the older kids. He'd get trampled.

If I were you I'd scale the whole thing back to grandparents and a cake.

Let someone elses party be the test case for how everyone is going to behave going forward.

Don't invite any of them.

(BIL's partner refuses to meet the kids and has banned him from introducing there son to the twins).

how are the twins and 8 yo old going to attend anything together anyway???

this is nuts and it’s your BILs problem
he needs to get over it and put it squarely back on your BIL.

separately you need to make a decision for the longer terms as this is going to be a recurring issue at every big event you hold. ever.

Your son, the child who the birthday is for is going to be 1 year old.
No one year old needs a bouncy castle.

I'd suggest dialling the celebrations right back and have a suitable party for a 1 year old as there will be plenty of time as your son gets older to have the bouncy castles and all of the other stuff that goes along with it.

Perhaps if the older kids didn't know there is likely to be a bouncy castle, they wouldn't be pestering their parents (BiL and his various women) to attend and the women wouldn't feel entitled to attend. Also, who expects and invitation to a party of a 1 yr old that they are not related to in any way shape or form????

“Yes it is BIL's problem but he is making my husband feel quite stressed over the whole situation ”
your husband needs to be firm with his brother and shut it down “we’ve made it clear that it’s just you and your children invited. The issues with their mothers are yours to deal with not mine, please don’t ask me about this again as we’re not going to change our minds”.

How do they even know about the party?

BIL sounds like a problem here.

Invite bil and kids. If the mothers won't allow the kids to attend without them, then just bil comes. This is his problem not yours.

As DH to ask BIL how he managed/plans to manage his OWN children’s birthdays.

it's hard to work out how many children are involved in this. the 'OW' (aka 'one night stand') has twins and another son with your BIL?! or is the son one of these twins? how on earth did he manage to have 1-3 children and keep them completely secret from his 'partner' for over 8 years? does he not pay maintenance? do they not discuss finances? has he heard of contraception?
i don't see why any of them need to attend a one year old's birthday party.

it's not like your baby will ever remember who was or wasn't there. you can arrange play dates for their cousins to come at other times.

and you'll be busy enough looking after all your guests on the day - you don't need the additional stress of worrying about whether or not someone will turnn up and kick off/ threaten violence....

Your child is only one so you need to set your stall out now or this will be a drama at every party. Your party, your house, your rules. Your brother in law has no right putting you and your DH in this position.

I would NOT invite anyone who has threatened to 'knock out' another guest and who has glassed someone. It's all very well saying don't serve alcohol but the woman sounds full of rage and why should you be on edge. Parties for one year olds tend to be about the adults and there is lots of 'Ohhhh this time last year' and birth war stories - so the 8 year old isn't missing Lazer Tag.

I would say to BIL only children and give the reason why. If his partner gets cross - he has to deal with it. With any luck she will refuse to attend anything else you arrange. Later on, I would invite the mum and twins for a play date so the cousins could get to know each other.

At some point someone needs to act like a sensible adult and say of course the drunk who wants to “knock someone out” at your child’s party cannot attend. Whether or not that offends her or your BIL.

If the adults can’t adult then no one comes, the kids miss out and that’s on their ridiculous parents. By the sounds of it they’ll have an entire childhood of paying for their parents poor decisions, it’s absolutely shameful. But why would you risk any of them bringing violence and arguments to your child’s birthday party.

Of course you tell the BIL to keep away with his messy relationships - what’s the alternative? tiptoe around him and have your child’s birthday ruined? What on earth would your friends think? Can you imagine a punch up at a BABY’s birthday. As a parent I’d certainly not take my child to another of their parties!

You offend the BIL, if that's what it is and tell him not to come with the children if it's going to cause an issue.

When he gets his life in order and the children can join alone without their mothers, then he can bring them.

Don't get involved in the shit show of this dysfunctional family.

just dont invite him or his children

It's a 1 year old's party. Why would alcohol be involved?

Invite children to a children's party. It's an event in YOUR house, so you get to dictate who attends, and how the conduct themselves when they do.

BIL sounds like a wet rag and is not going to step up and make any kind of decision here. So it's up to you to. You speak directly to the women involved. If you want them there or not you tell them. And if they attend you tell them you don't want any kicking off on the day. If someone does start kicking off you and your DH work together to get them to leave your house.

If one decides not to go and as a result their children don't go well then that's that. It's a 1 years old's party. He's not going to have a clue what's going on and there's plenty of years ahead for things to settle down and relationships to build amongst the cousins.

Tell both of these women and BIL your child is not a toy for them to fight over. Either the BIL brings the children to the party on his own or the children do not come, they (the mothers) are the ones that will be excluding their children from being part of the family by doing so. The invite is to a one year old's birthday party, for children, your child's cousins and no one else.

Feel for you OP seems your husband and his brother won't stand up to childish behaviour from these women and will leave it to you.

Your BIL also sounds like a stirrer. Do you have the capacity to just invite the children and no adults including your BIL?

you may not like your brother in laws partner but she is part of your life and from the sounds of it she will be there for a while.

inviting the OW and not her is just going to cause a bigger wedge between you all in the future making family events even worse.

I think I'd ditch the idea of a family party if they can't behave themselves . Have a quiet tea at home for just your small family or a day out. Your child won't care and you can't have this every year so set the tone now.

She's not his "OH" she's the mother of his son and twins

Good grief this sounds messy. I wouldn't invite anyone who has glassed someone.

I wouldn't invite the one night stand lady either - she's nothing to do with your family.

Just invite your BIL if you want and say you need to keep numbers small and don't want glassing lady there.

How is the twin mother his "other half" and the older child mother his "partner"? It doesn't make any sense.

Both mothers are not willing to let the kids attend with just the father

This is his problem, not yours.

They can't just put these rules in place and expect you to adhere to them by giving in to their invite demands.