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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel sad looking at this group of mums.

112 replies

AugMummy · 01/08/2024 16:26

At my childrens swimming lesson today. They’re also in same school as my DD and sane class so I see them out and about all the time. It just makes me feel sad that I’ll never have that connection with a group of women. I was even talking to one of how I was feeling (I get really on nicely with her) she said she knows what I mean as during covid when she couldn’t meet up with her friends (the same group of mums) She felt like that. Individualy they are all lovely and I’ve tried to really get along by inviting for play dates, coffee etc. but then I never feel part of their group and they’ve never invited me as a group. I’ve got to the point where I accept it and just keep to hi and bye and have a conversation when I see them but I accept they have something wonderful I don’t ever have.

I just feel if I had been brought up into a loving and caring family that wasn’t dysfunctional I too could have had that.

OP posts:
andthat · 01/08/2024 17:14

Flibflobflibflob · 01/08/2024 17:06

Ah it’s shit isn’t it, I’ve definitely felt excluded (in one case in a really obvious way which was really quite hurtful).

I don’t really get it tbh, I saw a mum I knew who’s really quiet at one of my kids activities, I was talking to a couple of the other parents and yelled across to tell her to come pull up a chair and sit with us. I am definitely not one of the clique of mums at my school but I try to gather up anyone who wants to be gathered. It doesn’t take much to include someone. Theres definitely a “group” at my kids school which is fine but I’d feel a bit rubbish too if I had to sit near them at swimming lessons too

People want the world to be a nice place but they don’t really make much of an effort to actually try to include others imo. I would go with asking too. I’m really socially awkward tbh and I had to really push out of my comfort zone to go say hi to people (didn’t always work well, I’ve been looked at like I was something the cat dragged in by a couple of parents).

You sound awesome.

Flibflobflibflob · 01/08/2024 17:06

Ah it’s shit isn’t it, I’ve definitely felt excluded (in one case in a really obvious way which was really quite hurtful).

I don’t really get it tbh, I saw a mum I knew who’s really quiet at one of my kids activities, I was talking to a couple of the other parents and yelled across to tell her to come pull up a chair and sit with us. I am definitely not one of the clique of mums at my school but I try to gather up anyone who wants to be gathered. It doesn’t take much to include someone. Theres definitely a “group” at my kids school which is fine but I’d feel a bit rubbish too if I had to sit near them at swimming lessons too

People want the world to be a nice place but they don’t really make much of an effort to actually try to include others imo. I would go with asking too. I’m really socially awkward tbh and I had to really push out of my comfort zone to go say hi to people (didn’t always work well, I’ve been looked at like I was something the cat dragged in by a couple of parents).

andthat · 01/08/2024 17:06

AugMummy · 01/08/2024 16:42

I’m a grown woman but I’ve been feeling really teary about this today in particular. The PP who said I have nothing in common with them I disagree entirely. I have so much in common. I know them individually so I can 100% say I have a lot in common but trying to fit in with an established group is very hard.

So sorry to hear you’re struggling…and for your past experiences.

As a PP said, perhaps start by inviting one of the mums you get along with for coffee and make that a regular thing and grow from there?

Ineedaholidayyyy · 01/08/2024 17:04

Next time you see them, try and be bold and ask them if they would mind if you joined them? Unless they are horrible people ( it doesn't sound like they are ) then I'm sure they will be happy for you to sit with them and chat whilst your kids do swimming etc.

CaraLara · 01/08/2024 16:57

This could be a group of woman who have prior history, or a family connection, or all go out as an 8 with partners. Is this the only option you see as friends for yourself? Are there any other parents you could try and get to know?

TipsyJoker · 01/08/2024 16:56

pillofy · 01/08/2024 16:54

This isn't for everyone, but would you consider simply saying 'hey, mind if I join you/sit with you' next time you see them out?

Would be interested to hear if other posters agree on this though... should people be bold? Or wait till invited?

I would do this

DitzyDerbyBabe86 · 01/08/2024 16:54

Please don’t dwell on this too much, as hard as it may seem. I have been in your position years ago, and although I didn’t feel it at the time, am glad I was on the sidelines of these groups. It may not seem it, but mum groups can be toxic and not all they seem.

pillofy · 01/08/2024 16:54

This isn't for everyone, but would you consider simply saying 'hey, mind if I join you/sit with you' next time you see them out?

Would be interested to hear if other posters agree on this though... should people be bold? Or wait till invited?

Original poster
AugMummy · 01/08/2024 16:42

I’m a grown woman but I’ve been feeling really teary about this today in particular. The PP who said I have nothing in common with them I disagree entirely. I have so much in common. I know them individually so I can 100% say I have a lot in common but trying to fit in with an established group is very hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
AugMummy · 01/08/2024 16:38

Just for context and I really hope I don’t derail my own thread by including this! I’m Indian and grew up in an area where I was literally the only person of colour (well my sister and my parents aside). I got bullied severely in primary and secondary school. I would get beaten up often and the teachers were not exactly supportive. One even referred to me and my sister as “the P**i girls”, (edited by MNHQ)
I corrected him many times and said we’re Indian not Pakistani!

So all my life I have obviously felt different and felt left out. The kids did not include me in anything and I spent my entire childhood alone. My sister is 9 years older than me so we didn’t even have each other to lean on

moving to London I suddenly felt less alone but the group of mums I was talking about are the same religion and culture as me and it makes me feel sad even they make me feel excluded.

I DO NOT look at colour when I’m making friends btw! I will happily talk and make friends with anyone of any race but I just feel I don’t belong anywhere. I had a lot in common with these mums more than I will have with anyone but I still feel excluded. I bump into them everywhere and they are always a group. There’s a community worship thing next weekend and they were discussing what they will be wearing and I’m going to same one but again will just be alone. My husband is an introvert so he never wants to go anywhere. I spend almost every weekend alone with my kids.

OP posts:
OlympicsFanGirl · 01/08/2024 16:36

Just because women have children the same age as you doesn't mean that you have anything else in common or will connect.

Get a hobby, volunteer or a job and you will be much more likely to find like minded friends.

wutheringkites · 01/08/2024 16:33

Have you tried to develop a friendship with the one you get on with?

I'd focus on building one on one relationships and go from there as trying to join an existing group can be difficult.

I do sympathise though op, I had a difficult upbringing and it definitely affects me socially.