To feel sad looking at this group of mums.

Also seriously, my husband and I are both introverts, we still both do stuff with DC together. It’s not about us it’s about DC, and our family unit. You probably just feel like you rarely have adult company. Lay down the law with him on this, he needs to get out with you and the kids, they are equally his responsibility and he has a duty to you too to make sure you are happy and feel supported.

Sometimes it's just habit. You just invite the usual crew. It's a bad habit of course. I would second what was said about looking out for other people in your situation, potentially not in a group and who might like to be, start your own crew!

Ah thats really kind of you, I’m an outsider (also south asian, seems to be a few of us, we could form a clique 😂), I know how it feels to hang about on the edges hoping to be invited in. It’s not always easy but I reach out to anyone too, don’t care about race, social class, country of origin, religion, how you dress etc, if you are nice you can sit with me. I have definitely been rebuffed and rejected and it’s extremely painful but it’s ok because I keep meeting fabulous people too. I’ve also got better at brushing it off (not perfect but better). None of the relationships have moved past school stuff to actual friendship but thats fine too.

Be the change you want to see and all that. OP give it a go, they are unlikely to say no and if you get on with them one on one you have a good chance of being invited to sit with them. But here are loads of people who probably wish someone would just say hi and give them a smile, so look outside of this group too.

I do think those of us with very dysfunctional families or difficult childhoods struggle more, there nothing wrong with you, you sound lovely to me. I have no idea how to fix it but I’m trying to be more authentic and I think that helps.

BTW I have had several people in a similar position to you recommend Meetup as a way to make like minded friends, around a shared interest. I’ve not tried it myself but may be worthwhile looking into.

Lots of people are commenting on cliques, drama, friendships falling apart etc but there is nothing in the OP to suggest these women are anything of the sort. The group I just didn't fit in with at school are still extremely close more than 20 years on. Same applies for some of the groups made at university where I was there but felt like an outsider.

I don't think it helps to try make someone feel better by belittling the friendship the others have. Agree with the posters who have gently suggested that it may be harder to enter an established dynamic (although given common background, I do believe it is worth trying in cases where the OP and others will be same place at the same time). I do believe there is somewhere the OP will find the group that works for her.

You're focusing on these women because they offer the safety of similarity to you and a group, but really existing groups are probably not the people to target to try and make friends. It's not about being deliberately mean and excluding people, but they already have a group dynamic that works, and people who they'll automatically think of first when they're looking for some company. The reality is everyone has limited time, if you're already putting in the time to maintain a good group of friends, you're going to have less time to develop new friendships.

Look for the people who aren't already in a group, and make your own group that works for you. Perhaps you'll have less in common in terms of age of children, or culturally, or whatever it is that you think makes this group perfect for you, but maybe you'll find others who can relate to some of your feelings of loneliness or maybe they also have had difficulty upbringings which affected their ability to form friendships when younger etc.

OP I am white and grew up in a white area but I’ve never managed to ‘fit into’ groups. After a few toxic experiences with groups of girls and women who turned on me and one another, I am more comfortable avoiding groups and just doing things with an individual friend one on one. I second suggestions to make friends individually with other women who may be on the sidelines too. Some of us are just made that way and you might be one of them. I wish you good success in finding individual friends but advise avoiding groups.

Some good advice and support above.
Also your husband is being selfish. You both have children so he needs to be more than a stay in the house at weekends dad. Have days out or go to the park or wherever as a family.

Are this group of mums the 'in' group? The socially desirable people? Because often when people say 'no one' wants to include me, what they actually mean is the elite, top of the social food chain group don't want to include them, and they waste much time hovering on the fringes wanting to be included, when they could be developing friendships with lower profile but lovely people also not part of that group.

This chimes with my experience OP, finally have my foot in the door with a couple of small groups of really nice people and I’m starting to relax into it, it’s been very difficult to find “my tribe”. it doesn’t come across as very kind that these women are not including you when you’re in the same space. We all know what it feels like to be on the outside of a clique. Maybe they are not the right people for you- you sound lovely and very thoughtful. I find singing and dancing with other people an incredibly bonding experience, is there a choir or a dance class you can join maybe?

I can remember feeling like this when my children weee really young. I got to know everyone individually in the end and am now much more confident with school mum friends, however I still probably wouldn’t go and sit down with them if they were in a huge group.

I've also always found it hard to make my way in groups. I've lived and worked in several different countries and when we moved to a new country I'd join, book groups and any other type of womans' group trying to build a circle of friends. I used to think of it like feeding myself into a washing machine!, I'd get spun about by the various group currents, think I was finally doing ok, then in the end I'd just end up getting spat out by the group and would have to start again. The school gate definately never worked. The only type of groups with which I ever had success were sports based ones - golf, horse riding and running.

P.s-adulthood can feel lonely. You sound truly lovely and I’d be your friend!

I can categorically tell you, you don’t want it.

I regret the day I let myself get involved. It sounds like you have the perfect balance of pleasantries and enjoying company but not in the group as a fully fledged member.

you only get hurt in the end. I’m no drama lama but it is, I now believe, impossible for women like this to not turn on each other eventually.

I agree.

You can still try and make friends with these women, but try and find friends elsewhere too.

I never had proper mum friends because there was no one I had anything in common with, other than having kids the same age.
I wish I branched out and made friends with out women or mums from different places instead.

Friendships also take a long time to build and you won’t be as close as they are too each other straight away, as they’ve probably developed it over it a longer time.

Yes not nice op but I have seen it at my daughters sport all good friends then fallouts. So I dont drink at the club now. Im a polite hello leave it at that. How many of them in the group.

You sound lovely, the sort of person who would make such a good kind friend. I am so sorry about the horrible experiences you had as a child and it is not surprising that this has left you with difficult feelings. Would you consider looking out to see if there are other mums who may be feeling left out or who are possibly shy and befriend them

Honestly op, your better off out of it
In my experience, I've often got the popcorn out and watched on the sides as a lot of these friendships imploded. Not all of them , but it happens and there is always a hierarchy to them all , bitching and all sorts
Better to be friends with just one of them and stay on the fringes sometimes.

Sweetheart, I have always been not into groups. And one on one friendships. Not sure what is it with me.....I do not feel comfortable in groups with women unless is something I am doing, hobby, so I have a chance to put my head dow and do something.

For the first time in my life I was in a job where I met people who actually talked to me, asked me for coffee, invited me to the cantine, a genuine group of colleagues who chatted to me....and now I left. Imagine, again alone, me and my little family. I am not sad thought, just tired of office cliques, bitches, politics and so on

I am also South Asian and can relate to so much of what you described. I felt exactly as you did growing up - primary school in particular and was bullied in a similar way. I distinctly remember being told my skin looked like poo when I was in lower primary school. We moved areas half way through secondary to a school which had far more people with a similar background to me but I always felt like I was on the outside. Like you, I would click with people on an individual basis but be the outsider in a group. Add in insecurities from being bullied and experiences of people whispering about you, it leaves a horrible feeling. I have spent all my teens and most of my young adult life feeling exactly like you and having countless days of feeling teary and upset like there is no hope at all.

Things seem to have fallen into place a bit better since having children but I always make the effort to speak to anyone who is slightly on the outside and hope no-one ever feels like I used to when they are around the group of us who have become friends over time. I would question whether these women do have a prior connection though? It is easy not to realise that they do. If you are going to an event they will be at (like the religious one), is it possible to ask to meet them (especially if they are going together)? If going with children, say that yours would love to see theirs?

I get this. It's nice to have a solid group of friends and it sucks to see something nice that you don't have.

To be fair I think there is a lot of luck with this, sometimes you come across the right people at the right time and it sticks, so I'd try not to blame myself here.

Befriend us here

Similar thing here, only the group often excluded all sorts and one Christmas excluded a nice mum because her child was in a differnt year group and not a ‘Y5’ mum even though she was generally a nice mum to be around. I stopped hanging round with them and avoided meet ups.

I looked at several mums in the sidelines and we have been friends for 15 years now since the kids were in reception.

Look further afield and make your own group. Others are feeling lonely to:

I often feel like this. For me, I live rurally and moved here only when my eldest was born, whereas these women have mainly lived here all their lives and have some connection at least already. I try to bear that in mind. But it does sting - I try to be friendly and open but I'm always the outsider it seems. I remember spending baby groups very much separate while they all chatted together and then it becomes a sort of awkward spiral (I'm not super extroverted but wouldn't say I'm overly shy or awkward usually otherwise), and now we're all in the same school together too.

I try instead to focus on making other connections - friends from work for example. And as my children get older I kind of hope that their close friends will have really nice parents!

Oh, good that other posters would ask to sit with them. Your community worship thing next week might be a good place to start? I am shy, but I would look to see if there's an empty seat by them and then go over.

I would accept that I might still be a little on the sidelines/not necessarily know the in-jokes or topics of conversation, but still be quietly smiley and really positive.