To feel sad looking at this group of mums.

Absolutely, very defeatist to say you can only make closer, life long friendships earlier in life. I would say that a few of my closest friends were made in the last 5 years and I'm 50. My mother is almost 80 and her ride or die bestie is someone she has known for a few decades but only gotten really close to in the last decade. Friendship is wonderfully surprising and can happen at any age or stage, don't give up OP. You sound so lovely.

Oh that’s disappointing, and it does seem like they should be more friendly. Maybe they’re just not very nice people.

I’m now remembering how awkward those times of watching swimming lessons can be, and who sits where, and feeling like you’re the only person without someone to chat to, and not being sure where to sit when you first arrive. It’s almost as bad as being 14 years old in a school canteen!

Im sorry you’ve been through so much. The way people treated you when you were little was vile and not your fault.

Personally, I struggle in groups of women, always have.

Don't get me wrong, I love women, but I just don't enjoy socialising with them in large groups.

Aiming for friendships with individuals you have something in common with and feel comfortable around is (imo) a better goal.

@EI12

I've made proper friendships past uni. In fact, all I'd my most valuable friendships have been made since then.

Hello OP, I don't have any advice as I have similar issues and don't know what the answer is but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you've been through so much. You sound lovely and I'd love to be your friend! Unmumsnetty hugs to you xx

I never feel good as part of a group of women... I always feel like I'm the weird one and expect people say things behind my back and get really para.

I've sort of just learnt to live with it. I remind myself that what other people think of me is none of my business. I have no way of knowing and there is probably an equal chance I'm over thinking it. Apparently finding it hard to fit in with a group is a sign of neurodiversity, i have some other markers of adhd so do wonder about that too...

Sorry not sure if it's helpful but you aren't alone!!

I'm so sorry you had such horrible things happen to you as a child.

I remember finding it hard with mum groups. I used to go to a toddler group where some of the mums would go for lunch every week at each other's houses just after the group had finished. I remember feeling quite left out and wanting to know if they all knew each other from a particular NCT group, in which case it didn't seem so bad to not be in that group, or whether they had just met each other some other way (I think it was the latter as I'm sure not all the children were born at around the same time). Several of my mum's closest friends were people she knew from baby groups which used to make me regret not having a group as well - though now that my children are older, I think about this much less.

"I don't think people form real life friendships at school gates with other mums. "

@EI12

I completely disagree. I think it's really common to form close friendships with primary school mums .

I don't think people form real life friendships at school gates with other mums. You form friendships in childhood and uni and keep them? Or, rather, you try not to lose friendships you have formed before becoming a mum. I have met wonderful colleagues in adult life, but friends, none. I kept my old ones.

I too was bullied at school and I’ve never really managed to be part of a group of female friends too. Sending hugs op

Just echoing others, that you sound really great. We relocated for work 2 years ago and I now have zero friends. I know people from my work, but despite my efforts volunteering etc, I do not have one friend. I do invite people out, or suggest meet ups, but everyone else has a full diary, I do not. If you lived near me, I'd happily meet up.

Luckily I have one old friend from where we used to live, and she is always up for meeting up every couple of months.

Is there a school PTA? If there is, they’re likely desperate for new volunteers and that can be a nice way to get to know other mums and feel like part of a group.

Sometimes it takes time to find the right therapy for you. You don't always get the right help the first time x

I think @orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements is right - when you have unprocessed trauma, all your relationships exist through that filter and you can’t be as happy in yourself.

Tackling that is hard and scary, but the rewards are worth it. It’s so much easier to make and keep friendships when you’re in a healthy and resilient state of mind.

oh, and btw I am coming from white European but immigrant background and have grown up with zero exposure to my own ethnic group outside my family, which somewhat led me to developing an idealised view I was fed growing up. Then, when I started meeting more of them (or us) later in life I realised how much I didn't fit with them; it was mindboggling as living in London I developed friendships with such a diverse group in general that this was odd, and I am still not sure what the reason could be.
Do not sweat race, ethnicity and religion side too much, as it gets you feel even more inadequate. "These are supposed to be MY PEOPLE" but they are not.

Oranges and Lemon’s post says it very well. Perhaps your lack of confidence from a bad childhood is still affecting you lots now and you could benefit from counselling.
You mention you are seen as pretty - this can be a reason not to be embraced by the group. Groups of mums can be super competitive about everything. Try not to be too sad. Keep trying with the friendly one in the group but beware the group as a whole. Good luck.

Don't apologise for sharing too much. Please stop that. You are entitled to speak, to take up space, and to write as much as you like. You're no more or less important than any other poster on here, or anything other person you meet. Please don't ever forget that or let anyone tell you otherwise.

OP I think you need some therapy or some counselling of some kind. I too had a horrible childhood and it does affect you into your adult life. It hinders my ability to make friends too and guess what - I'm also weird AF! but trust me, all the best and most interesting people are! I bet you too are really fun and interesting underneath all that anxiety and self doubt.

But my overwhelming advice to you would be please try and seek some help to work on yourself and heal from your difficult time because you can't really move on from that and learn how to navigate the world properly until you do.

Agree with this. Having just had my oldest child leave primary and been part of a group that became increasingly cliquey, bitchy and introvert I can see the pitfalls. This mums groups kids started bullying every other child in the year and the mums would get together, sit and slagg of everyone else's kids as apparently there's where perfectly behaved. It became a smaller and smaller group and the kids became more and more disliked. Personally I stay clear of mum's groups now.

My advise is to focus on building one-on-one relationships and become the magnet that brings those singular (?) friendships together to form a new group. It may work in some cases and not work in others, or not work for all the time for every friend but you have a good chance of creating your own group at the end.

At the end of the day each participant in this friendship group didn't know the others at some point, and someone kind of consolidated them (pack-leader figure or similar).

I know what you're getting at here but humans are generally social creatures and real life friendships are important to the vast majority.

OP start your own group! I bet if you look around there are others feeling like you. Organise a few one on ones and then expand from there.
And/or like others have said be bold and join in with the others. Maybe if you’ve cooled it to hi/bye then they think you’re not interested. Good look OP